Pio, you are right!

Last night, SF was achieved BUT it was unfulfilling especially for her -- instead of "running 3 miles, I "ran out of gas as 2. Even during SF, the thought flashed across my mind whether she was thinking of OM!

Now I do have doubts about whether she wants to stay in the M or as time progresses "bolt" to the OM perhaps waiting in the wings. My gut tells me I think my WW thinks its a gamble for her to continue in the M.

I want to have a talk with her this morning about her doubts and fears about our relationship! No doubt I want to stay with her and be the husband she has always wanted!

I just don't know how she feels!

Think I should bring up our relationship -- help!

To quote Forrest Gump: Stupid is as stupid does.



NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course her mind is on OM. SF is likely an EN. You need to fill that EN. It might not be pleasant for quite some time. Deal with it. It will get better. This M can work. Don't get in the way.

okay!

I will still maintain plan A!

How about suggesting an MB workshop (for instance next one in Aug) -- or is it too soon to mention this as well?

Pio,

Thanks for being there for me!

Sometimes we BSs can get in our own way! You have saved me from stepping into some of my self-imposed traps!

I must tell you this -- my WW and I had discussed some cosmetic surgery that she wants to perform in a couple of weeks! Something she wants greatly (enhancement) $$$.

I am thinking of holding off on this, but she wants to move ahead as if things appear normal!

What do ya think?

I think the workshop is a good idea. I would hold off discussing it. I sense your impatience again. You are your own worst enemy right now. Things seem to be going great and yet you want to stuff it up at every turn. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I can't say about the surgery. Why does she want it and how long has she wanted it? Being overly concerned about appearance is a part of the wayward mind set. Would she have wanted the surgery if she had not had an A? Has she wanted this for years and just finally got up the courage?

I will say the surgery will keep her home for a while.

What is your concern? Are you afraid that an augmented WW will make her more prone to another A? She has already proven she can have an A as she is. I don't think surgery will change the odds. Do you want to a "less attractive" wife so you will feel safer? If that is your concern, get the surgery. Your W will not commit herself to you in marriage because she isn't getting hit on. I've seen enough episodes of Cheaters to realize that looks don't natter that much. People either cheat or they don't. What will keep your wife with you is establishing an affair proof marriage by using MB principles.

I'm still caught on the surgery theme. Who is this question about - her or your fear?

I'll give you a hint. If it is about your fear, I'll give you an [censored] wooping with this 4x4 I have to my right.

Got it! The surgery is something that she has wanted for awhile, even before the A!

I will get back on track with plan A and try to exercise more patience!

My WW behavior at this point seem to br pretty cool at this point.

I do think I made a mistake by engaging in SF too fast yesterday (SF is not in my WW's top 5) -- I will just focus on companionship and simply being there for her!

She does look forward to her cosmetic upgrade! In fact, she admitted (yesterday for the first time to me) that is why she has never worn anything "victoria secret-like" becasue she was self-conscious about her appearance (after 4 kids).

Upgrade or not, I still love her deeply and want to restore her confidence in me as an H whom she can admire.

The SF situation is complicated. I can't remember if I posted that here or on FL_Blindsided's thread. But I'm near the two year mark and I still have flashbacks at times. I don't think I have gotten to the point yet where I truly enjoy SF without reservation. It is still bittersweet.

Okay this is what I said on the other thread:

SF in my case was also not simple. It is not a switch you turn on and off. There is a lot of emotion to deal with on both sides. I remember going through the love phase, anger phase, resentment phase, the "oh well nothing on TV" phase, anger phase (I guess I liked that one), the abstinence phase and now possibly into the intimacy phase.

There is something about being in the middle of SF which so easily hauls up those mental images of WW and OM.

For WW's part, I'm sure she has phases too although my guess is that she probably substitutes the anger phase for something like a shame phase. I bet we pretty much had the other phases in common though.

Another problem is that our phases were out-of-phase. For example, she might be in an intimacy phase while I was in an anger phase. It is really complicated.

I don't view SF as the beginning of the road to recovery. I view it as possibly even an obstacle to recovery in the early stages. But not having SF does NOT mean that you aren't recovering your marriage. One has nothing to do with the other IMO. Certainly a recovered M would include copious amounts of SF <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

When you say you have flashbacks, are you referring to your WW potentially haiving thoughts of OM whie engaged in SF?

Sometimes, I feel just like cuddling with her and leave it at that for a while with no SF at all!

No. It is hard to explain. They aren't visual flashbacks. They are emotional flashbacks. I have not once in two years enjoyed SF like I did before Dday. It is getting better but sometimes I wonder if it will ever be 100%. This by itself has made me contemplate divorce on occasion.

I will say that I got to the point where I had to stop caring whether WW enjoyed SF or not. (And I do think she does) If she is not being completely fulfilled, it is her responsibility to tell me and help work to do something about it. I'm going to assume there are no problems if I don't get any complaints.

SF is an important part of the relationship and may be what the A damages the most. It takes a lot of time and work to get that back for the BS.

I agree with you here! I feel like recoverng w/o the SF at this point!

Being a FWH, my WW said when I "crossed the line" it "killed" something in her to the point where I do not think she will ever enjoy SF fully again with me -- that's scary, sad and something I will always regret doing to her!

Now, I know somewhat how my WW feels in light of her A!

I think that is taking it too far. Just let happen what is going to happen. Don't force the SF but don't deny it either. Having SF with you will not make her forget all about OM. Time alone will do that. You need to fulfill her EN's. Whatever happens, just deal with it. SF may be painful for you at times.IMO you just need to swallow that pain at those times. Plan A is not always pleasant. In fact, it is hardly ever pleasant. Just do it.

I'm on it boss!!!

Plan A it is -- ought to call it plan S for sacrifice!

But God knows I am willing to forge ahead to not only keep my M but improve it!

Thanks again for your input - it helps and I do take it to heart!

Hey Swade I see you're on line.

How are things going today?

KiwiJ,

Thanks for aksing about me!

I had a "rough" day at work -- seems my mind was just wandering all day! I could not focus! Thinking if NC has been broken (just my own obstacle to overcome)!

I was thinking of my plan A that is in action at this point -- it seems to be working so far, I was just concerned whether my WW has broken NC at all.

I know if I ask her if any contact with OM occurred, it would be an LB. I have not asked her lately and I just continue my plan A.

We do get along pretty well right now -- we talk, share some laughs (its almost as if the A did not even occur).

Tonight, I prepared dinner, cleaned the kitchen, and she came downstairs and laid a nice long kiss on me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

This is what's scary to me -- I know I have to stay on the alert at this time!

Tomorrow we plan to go out on a date for dinner -- any romantic after dinner suggestions (a walk afterward) or should I just keep it to a simple dinner with conversation?

Would flowers be going overboard?

My D-Day was on 28 May, my WW claims to have been in NC at least a week now -- her mannerisms do not give me any false impressions?

I am keeping my eyes open for any NC breaks.


Whew....this was my day!

How are things with you?????

Flowers never do it for me. I know, I know but I'm strange like that. What my H does is get me things he knows I'll love. He gets me books he knows I'll love or silly things like my cuddly toy fox keyring (tiny cuddly toy).

A walk is always good. Holding hands or arms round waists. THAT always works for me. Then push her into a dark doorway and give her a REALLY passionate kiss. Believe me, that will work lol.

KiwiJ,

Thanks for the feedback -- I'll keep the walk and doorway kiss in mind tomorrow!

~ keep you posted!

Good.

I'm sure you guys are going to make it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Anyone (KiwiJ, Pio, ML, BobP,etc....)

This morning - -I told my W I loved her before she left for work -- I subtly noticed that she was not able to say it back to me - she simply said, "you too"!

This also happened yesterday when I spoke to her on the phone while I was at work.

I may need to back off and simply tell her to have a nice day at work! What do ya think?

I am also aware that today is the OM's last day of work (school teacher) for the summer.

He plans to go visit his (2) kids on East Coast during the summer and return to West Coast later in Summer!

I hope my WW can maintain NC and allow my plan A to kick in gear!