That's prety common. Another way to look at it is that she notices the difference but doesn't trust you to believe it might be real. Additionally, by telling herself that you won't change, she further rationalizes her A behavior. Treat this comment like water off a duck. And yes you were childish. Three steps forward one step back. But you are still making progres.



The first part was good. Should have left off the last sentence. Would have been even better. Why? Because in the first part you talk only about your feelings which is valid. At the end you told her it was all her fault. So you took what could have been a positive and immediately turned it to a negative.



Ask her what she thinks might be a solution. What would she recommend? This was an opportunity and you shut it down by taking offense. Understandable but you missed a chance here.



Problem is you have already fired a few salvos across her bow before you do. If you want to come here and vent then come here and vent. Don't come here looking for absolution for venting to your WW.



Do you? Since you did have your own A, did you tell her that you do, in fact, understand and you will do anything you can to help her through it? A's are selfish. WW's are selfish. Of course she is only concerned about her feelings. I guess you really DON'T understand.



Duh?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



She is with you! [waiting for Justuss edit] Idiot!



Go apologize for your childish behavior. Tell her that sometimes this is just really hard on you and that you reacted badly and are sorry.

Pio,

Thanks for breaking this down for me!

I will go apologize.

PLAN A is ALL ABOUT YOU. Do not expect ANYTHING..not one thing from your WW...

PLAN A is about being the best HUSBAND that you can be and meeting HER PRIMARY EMOTIONAL NEEDS...

It's all about GIVING and not RECEIVING anything..

And yes, it is very, very difficult and emotionally draining...

I used to have to leave and go on drives in my car...in order to get away from my H..of course, he would use this as an excuse to leave himself...

I did PLAN A for about 6 months..probably too long..PLAN B for about 3 months..some FALSE RECOVERIES in between PLAN A and PLAN B..now HAPPILY RECOVERED for 4 years in September...

Swade,

I guess I need a life because I've been thinking about this all night long. I'm not sure how to try to get this across to you. Okay let's put this comment in the context of the situation. You were having a "fight" with your wife.

Anytime you are in a fight, you naturally go into defensive mode. So you take this comment as WW attacking you. All men do. It's a genetic defect. Nothing we can do about it.

What you and I never understand is that women communicate differently than men. I don't think she was attacking you at all.

But that's not exactly my point. My point is that even if we take this comment out of the context of the argument, swade still would have felt attacked. I sensed this last night when I posted but I hadn't thought it all the way through. My comment at the time was right but I didn't understand why.

Let me try to clarify further. Say you and WW are having breakfast.

WW: Oh, good morning dear.
S: Good morning, shnukums.
WW: I've made you breakfast.
S: Oh thanks! I'm starved.
WW: How are you today?
S: Feel great! How about you?
WW: Well, actually I feel that your anger issues are driving a wedge in our M.
S: Oh yeah?!?! Wuh...wuh...well this toast is burned!

Okay. Different context but I'll bet my pension that swade circles the wagons, locks and loads and then goes on the attack.

I know it sounds a bit ridicules but I do have a point.

I don't think WW was attacking you. I feel WW was trying to open up to you. I believe she was trying to tell you something that she has been holding inside. Not every negative thing your WW says about you is a personal affront. I think she is telling you "I've been thinking about our M and how we can improve it. If you're interested, can we consider your anger issues?".

IOW. LISTEN to everything she says. Don't feel like you have to counter every point. THINK about what she is trying to tell you.

And you know what? Unfortunately you will need to do this every day for the rest of your life. You will need to learn the difference between attack and communication.

Women!

You know? One of the keys for me is that she did NOT say "your anger issues destroyed our M". She spoke to you about something that you still have. The M may have problems but you two still have a M in her mind. This was a very positive statement IMHO. She hung a high fast ball right over the middle of the plate. You swung and missed. You should have knocked it out of the park.

Mimi_here, Pio

I have had plenty of time today to think about last night given my WW has been shopping for the better part of 7-8 hrs now.

My overall theme is: I need to change my behavior or to be more accurate - allow God to change me from the inside out!

I KNOW I need to change to be the H my WW needs!

I am more determined now to listen more and react less!

Plan A = self improvement, self-control.

Its a real eye opener to realize how difficult (certainly my case) it has been to simply control myself (emotions)!

Thanks for your MB support -- It appears I have been easily distracted by my own thoughts as flawed as they have been --UUGGHH!!!

First) Just learn to listen.

Second) try to figure out if the wax is only in your ears or fills the entire space between the two.

No.

You know you need to change to be the kind of H ANY woman would want.

Once you can truly grasp the difference in those two statements, only then will you truly understand Plan A.

You are not a chamelion. You are human.

Just found out that WW sent some lingerie pics I took of her yesterday to her OM!

Should I just let it go or confront her on this!

I am still in plan A but Damn, its frustrating!

Then again -- if I confront her, she will go underground!

I need to get the keylogger sw for her computer!

You can get some really good software now for managing digital photographs. Next time you take a photo, use software to add 30 or 40 lbs before giving to WW. Let OM chew on that. If WW complains, just remind her that the camera "adds lbs" but she really doesn't look that heavy in person.

Tonight I came to MB first before saying anything to WW!

Should I just 'let it go' and log it in my file or tell WW how hurtful this was to share with OM?

We went out to dinner with family and she could tell something was bothering me, but I said I did not want to talk at dinner in the restaurant.

Judgment call. The downside is that you give away your source and will drive her underground. Other than that, yes I would confront her with it. That is hardly a WW in withdrawal or trying to stop an A.

If you confront her, what is your demand? What are you willing to do if she refuses to send OM boudoir photos.

As far as not talking, I think that is a mistake. You are wanting her to know that something is wrong but then you refuse to tell her. Learn to act better or just stay home. Plan A is not abbreviated PA (passive/aggressive) FYI OK?

And I've got plenty more TLA's where those came from BTW.

Well I guess that will teach me to let you children play without me for a few days. I've been DJ'ed from here to kingdom come.

swade,

Have you called OMW?

Pio,

I need to get a PI to find her for me -- the phone numbers I had were old!

I did confront WW tonight and I told her I was hurt she shared pics with OM. Not to mention that once its in cyberspace -- it's there forever!!!!

I also told her I am not going to be in a M with the 3 of us! As long as 3 in picture and no NC, our children, myself, and herself are being damaged by the A.

I also said I would NOT live in a M like this and be 'played' like this -- living here and playing with OM on the side. Either go NC with OM or leave and find another place to live, becauase I need to protect myself and the 3 children.

She said she would go NC -- I will suggest the letter format to her!

She said she has been praying that God would help her stop this A, and she sees my snooping on her computer as His intervention! So, she said she does not hold my computer snooping against me!

She asked me tohave patience with her and don't take it personal as she goes through an emotional downturn with what we MB folks know as the withdrawal period.

My WW also frealizes that if OM can cheat (while married) with a married woman, he could also cheat on her!

Nonetheless, I still plan to expose to OMW.

In light of the above occurrence, would you think it beneficial to share some MB principles (withdrawal and importance of NC) to WW?

Thanks!

I still think you need to keep WW away from here...for the time being...

Do give her a copy of SAA.

Now is time for you to get tough BUT AVOID LB'S!!!

She said she will stop the A. She is now accountable for everything. So the rules have changed a bit.

You had still better bust your butt to be the best H you can be but you now longer have to tiptoe around her contacting OM.

Tell her you will help her in any way you can but her violating NC is a deal-breaker.

Write out the NC letter. She signs it. You send it. She does not need closure. She does not owe OM any explanation. She is a married woman. The only one she owes anything is you.

Congrats. This is a major step.

Now, she will be tempted to violate NC. What steps is she willing to take to ensure NC? Will she change cellphone number? Get a new house number? Change email address? What?

You can POJA all this but she needs to take extreme measures.

Oh and you thought Plan A was difficult to this point? Fasten your seatbelt and ensure your seatback and tray table are in their full, upright and locked positions!

And stay on OMW or tell WW you wish to confront OMW and save the PI expense. Let her read SAA before you do that.

If you give her SAA, I would tell her you want it finished in 2 or 3 days and then you two will make a date to sit down and discuss it.

I also recommend The Road Less Travelled by Scott Peck. My WW said it gave her a lightbulb moment.

I just want to reiterate because this is SOOOO important. You are STILL in Plan A. You still have a WW. Your M is NOT in recovery. Your WW owes you absolutely nothing - except NC.

NC is something she has now signed on board with. It is her obligation to maintain it. It is her obligation to be 100% transparent because you are going to monitor it.

For the moment:

She does NOT owe you love
She does NOT owe you an apology
She does NOT owe you an explanation
She DOES owe you NC.

You still have a very long way to go. Don't forget that.

Now you need patience more than ever.

There will come a time later on when:

She WILL give you love
She MAY give you an apology
She MAY give you an explanation
She WILL maintain NC

Do you think you could live with that?

swade,

I just reread your thread from the beginning. I recommend you do the same.