Okay let me give you the answer. You tell her that nothing has changed. You will not allow a 3rd party in your M. If she wishes to leave, she can. If she stays, you want a new NC agreement - one that you will supervise. And you follow through.

There is a lot going on here. Your WW's feelings about herself are changing IMHO. She will change from seeing herself as a good person in a bad marriage to seeing herself as a weak, pathetic person in a bad nightmare. You need to be her strength from now on.

Pio -- thanks for the advanced warning!

I need these nuggets of info!

I would not be surprised to see her use her instant messenger on her computer to send OM a note.

I have my software running on her system to alert me.

Excuse me but NC will make her miserable, continuing contact will not.

She won't see herself as anything but a thwarted love story gone wrong for quite some time.

Swade, NC is all that matters. It's essential, it's non negotiable and it's GOT to be kept.

Great that you have the software going. You need to be one step ahead ALL the time. I always see BS's who have the benefit of MB as one step ahead all the time. It can only work in your favour.

Hope for the best - plan for the worst.

What you need to avoid is AO's.

Pio - what are AO's?

Last night and this morning my WW looks like a person in withdrawal!

Before going to bed last night, she read the section in SAA on withdrawal -- boy, she fits that mold this morning!

She is in her own zone and looks depressed.

I simply told her I am here for her.

I will continue to be supportive, but as you said KiwiJ, NC is NOT negotiable! I will see to this!

AO = Angry Outbursts.

Would you puhleeez get a book on TLA's?

Withdrawal is good. It is a sign of NC.

Pio - I will look into getting a book on TLAs once you tell me what they are????

I just received the cell phone bill and I plan to give it to WW to pay!

WW and OM were Txt messaging like crazy!!!

I plan to avoid an AO and kindly tell her to plan to pay for the bill (her viewing it will be self-explanantory) without me saying "I am not going to finance this A".

Due to a quirk of the English language, a rather unfortunate ambiguity results in the TLA being a TLA for either Two Letter Acronym or Three Letter Acronym.

Don't give her the phone bill!

Remember what I said about house training the dog????

Unroll your newspaper dammit!

She's agreed to NC. She's having the worst morning in recent history and you want to do what????

Pay the bill and shut up!

You aren't financing the A. You WERE financing the A. She says the A is over. For the moment it appears she is abiding by that. Now is not the time for punishment. Now is the time for reward.

If at some point she breaks NC - then give her the bill.

You're acting like a little kid. Grow up.

OK - Your point was received!!!

Ouch!

Unroll your newspaper!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

The newspaper you swat the dog on the nose with when he poops on the kitchen floor. That newspaper. That dog poop is weeks old. No point in punishing the mutt now.

Pio,

When withdrwawal had hit your WS, did you still take her out on dates just to show support - or more specifically, were you able to penetrate the depression and sorrowful attitude of WS.

KiwiJ -- how did you feel when your H tried to take you out on dates (if he did) during your withdrawal period?


I also noticed my WW made a cell phone call when I and the kids were at a fireworks show tonight.

I am going to ask her who she called? If it was OM, then I tighten the supervision on the NC agreement or do I tell her to move on until she decides she wants to commit to this M -- Pio is this what you were saying 5 posts ago?

I tried dating but it was a mistake. Being together is okay. Romance is a waste of time.

Yes I would say if she called OM that you need to tell her to pack up. There is no room for OM in your M. She has to make a choice. You can't be tolerant at this point. I suspect she doesn't want to pack up and move out. If she asks for another chance, discuss how she intends to comply with NC.

WW said she called voicemail tonight - (valid)

She also said "she was sick of me checking up on her and asking her who she has called."

I told her I was not holding her hostage and she could leave if she did not like it -- after all we cannot build a new foundation on deceit or secrecy but on openness.

She said she just may leave if this keeps up (we'll see)!

I may have LB'd as I had a little frustration in my voice.

I also told her her kids missed (all of) her in our home!

I also said I was practically a single parent right now with my W being absent (after reflecting on this, probably not the wisest thing to say).

Some rough days ahead -- I am determined to ensure NC is mainatained!

I plan to apologize for my tone but not what was said.

I know I need to think before I react -- I did not handle this converstaion that well.

Swade, after d-day my H took me out on a date for lunch. He dressed up and I was so pleased he made the effort. We had a really nice day and, even though I was still cold and distant, I appreciated the effort VERY much. About a week after d-day he made me breakfast, bought a bottle of champagne and put two red ornamental hearts in the bottom of the glasses.

One night we were sitting outside (it was high summer but DARK) and I went and sat on his lap and we ended up having rather raunchy SF on our patio.

I wasn't ready for it all but I APPRECIATED it. It all made me feel loved and wanted. It was a brilliant Plan A and he didn't even know what a Plan A was.

One day, when I have time, I will post the letter he wrote me. It made our woman MC cry when my H read it aloud in MC but I have to say, I was still too cold and numb to really appreciate it.

But it ALL helped. It ALL made a difference. Hatred and AO's and coldness would have turned me right off.

Edited to add: I was in total NC when we had our d-day. The A had been over for 6 months. I don't know what would have happened if he'd found out during the actual A.

Thanks KiwiJ,

Read my above post and point out where I was out of line!

I missed the post above mine as I was posting.

Look, there's nothing wrong with being honest but you need her to WANT to be at home because home is warm and welcoming and you are a model husband. Not a "pretend" model husband but someone who appreciates her and admires her and desires her and finds her exciting and attractive.

It's not even about you doing the chores and the mundane stuff, it's about making her see how great her life is with you.

Swade - it's almost impossible to make LB deposits when your wife is in withdrawal. The best you can hope for is not to LB and maybe show her you can meet some of her needs.

No WS likes being checked up on but you should still do it. She isn't calling the shots here.

and Kiwi's affair being over on d-day makes a huge difference. Every day of NC makes a difference.

BigK, I agree entirely that it's impossible to make LB deposits to a withdrawing WS but even in my foggy, withdrawn state I really did appreciate it. REALLY appreciated it. It could so easily have been different.

I also agree entirely that the A being over on d-day did make a huge difference. Although, for my H it wasn't "over" if you see what I mean. It was all new and news to him. He had to process it just the same as if it was still ongoing.