Ahopefulone....I found you at last! It took me over thirty minutes, but here I am. I don't know a darn thing myself...I have fallen into a well. I like your spirit and I just wanted to let you know that.

I'm pulling for you. I tend to agree with everything awomanoffaith has said. I dare not offer advice, but I'm familiar with the silent treatment. It's what I used to do to WH. He LOVED it I think. It allowed him to revert to a little boy. Example: "Well, I'm already in trouble...she's already mad and not talking to me....so I'll just get home late."

My heart goes out to you. To paraphrase others, "He is deep in the fog." You probably caught him while he's at his deepest point and he's scared and ticked off about it.

Did you read Surviving An Affair? I had to purchase it so that I had a study guide. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> It was so helpful. I still have so much more to learn, but you need to get a handle on things NOW.

Like my cheap WH would say, "Business is business, but now we're talking about MONEY!"

I do so hope all of the experts here help you. I don't know what I'd do.......I believe you are SMART and resourceful. That checking account situation is probably going to bite him harder than you, since you've started to protect your finances.

I will say a prayer for you tonight. I think you are just so special and worthy.

Well everyone, it hit the fan last night.I took a BetrayedCajun Spice to Plan A (BC you are my hero! I just discovered how to make cajun jack salmon, now I know what love is!). In a nutshell here is last night:

He is still living in the basement and won't talk to me. I asked him if he would go to this crisis marriage weekend with me and he said he's done that and it doesn't work. I asked him if he would go to counseling and he said no, it won't work. He said he is just not ready to talk to me, why do I always have to have everything my way.

He has been living in the musty basement and not talking for six days, now a day or two I can appreciate, but darlin, I'm a grown woman and do not need to be punished! ....and WON'T be!

I lost it! I said you are 45, not 15. Living in the basement like a mushroom is not solving anything. You are my husband. I married you because I love you and planned to love you for the rest of my life. I cannot make a marriage work by my self. We have both made mistakes and are both angry. But when you run around talking to all these women you give them power that should be mine. I am your wife. We are one. There should be no secrets at all. We should be the keepers of each others secrets.

If you want to live this way that is fine. I don't and I won't. So you will need to leave. He said he didn't want to go but wasn't ready to talk, I said that's too bad, you have created an unhealthy environment in this home and it's time to deal with it or leave....very soon.

When he said he didn't want to leave I said of course you don't! You come and go as you please, don't have to talk to or be accountable to anyone and have a great place to live and if you feel like looking at them, two people who love you dearly. I don't really care at this point if you want to leave. I want you to. I will not live like this anymore.

So, we'll see what happens. He is a stubborn s*!t! He will dig his heels in now and not talk and not go just to pi$$ me off. That's what lawyers are for. Nuts, I really didn't want to go there. But I don't know what else to do. This is not working and I don't play this game well....I don't like Monopoly for the same reason....too darn long with a bunch of pointless details...but I digress...

At least I'm not crying, I've lost 5 pounds, and only needed to lose 3. Getting my hair done tonight. I will be fabulous with our without this man. God is good all the time and ALL the time God is good. It is in His hands. AMEN

Ok pros, let me know how deep I stuck my foot in it this time.

First of all, quit making excuses for him. I would agree that it is honorable for a man to “cool off” before he speaks, but not for days on end! I know your excuse – I have used it too. One of the first things you need to learn is to QUIT making excuses for your H. You are not helping him, or yourself. He has had plenty of time to cool down, and yet he still refuses to speak. That is not right. I strongly suspect that he is pushing you to get angry, blow up at him, and say a bunch of horrible things, so he can later say, “see – this is why I had to leave. She says horrible things”

I am proud of you for finally confronting him! I think you did a great job. You were calm, and prepared. I loved this part:
“When he said he didn't want to leave I said of course you don't! You come and go as you please”
Good for you! You are right on the mark here. He needs to understand that you love him, you want to make your marriage work, but you will not tolerate this behavior. He does not get to come and go as he pleases, spend money whenever, and continue to carry on “conversations” with OW.

I still don’t understand fully what has happened in his A with OW. But his behavior just screams out that something is not right. He KNOWS that talking to this OW is wrong. Period. It is wrong to have secret conversations apart from your spouse. He has been carrying on private conversations with women for years, and now he is being called on the carpet for it. That is why he behaving like a child. He is pouting, hoping to get his way.

I hope I don’t sound too harsh – I DO think there is hope for your M. But I also want you to gain back your strength, so that you can build a GOOD M. Not the so-so R you have had in the past. You know what the red flags are. You just need to bring that stuff out into the light. Quit hiding, and hoping it will all go away. Quit making excuses for him.

I suggest you continue to stand by what you have said to him. You will not live this way. You both need help to build a better M. you need open, honest communication, just between the 2 of you, with NO OW in the middle. If he can not do that, then he needs to find another place to live.

You are doing really well. Taking care of yourself, looking good. Good for you. I would suggest that you keep yourself busy. Invite a girlfriend over to watch a movie. Play music. Laugh. Cook great meals. Show him what a great home you have. And show him that you and your son will not be catering to his moodiness. He is the one carrying on with OW – not you. You do not need to hide in shame.

I hesitate to say that your WH is in “the fog” like so many others. I am sure there is a lot of fogginess there – after all, he refuses to quit talking to another mans wife – even though he knows how mush it upsets his own wife. But I am afraid there is a lot more going on here than just the typical fog.

What happened with his first M?

P.S.
trust your instincts here:


You NEED openness, and accountability. you are right to desire it. But you can not do it alone. He has been caught. He knows it. And he is hoping this will all just "blow oever" and the two of you can go back to doing your own thing, living as H and W, but carrying out seperate lives.

where do you think his money goes - when he says he has an old debt to pay that is none of your buisness? Do you think he has a child that you don't know about? Don't you think you have a right to know?

WOF5. Yup dear, my backbone is in fine shape and I think it has definately given him something to think about.

The money .... a child would be my guess, already have someone looking into that.

I've been talking with a woman who councils marriages with her husband, it is really helping and I'm learning so much.

Bingo on the excuses BTW, that was hard to hear but well aimed, thank you and OUCH! Point taken.

I'll let you know how it goes. He is stubborn as a dead, concrete mule! So that little diarabe of mine probably bought more couch time....and I doubt he'll leave, but might just to spite me. I'll keep you posted and thank you for your input.

Um, I've heard that before!



passivce-aggressive behavior, watch out!


Good for YOU!

Well, he is still a mushroom. Lives in the basement and barely speaks. It's not quite as tense as it was but we have such a long way to go!

I spoke at length with a woman from church. She and her husband facilitate the Dynamic Marriage workshop. She has really started me thinking in some interesting ways. Like when I complain about some behaviour in my H, she tells me that he is definitely wrong to be doing that but why is he doing that, he won't stop or change until you get to the why. I'm learning a lot. So whenever I feel like checking out of this relationship and getting on with a peaceful life....she opens a window for me with a different view.

I know that it is not God's will that any of us divorce, I also realize that there are cases where that is the only option. My H is running from God. Historically, that has not been a very successful endeavor, either you submit to your Father or destroy yourself. My prayer is this: That my H come to/back to a saving relationship with God, that our M is not restored but completely rebuilt into a thing that glorifies God and is a living testament to his power and mercy and that my H and I begin a ministry helping other marriages out of the pit. God is mighty, he can do this! Please keep me/us in prayer.

He finally came out of the basement and back to bed but things are very ... thin. I walk on eggshells trying not to make him mad....and he seems to always be on the edge of it. He isn't willing to change, doesn't think that it is inappropriate to be friends with other women, is out 5 nights a week and that's just the way it is, deal with it, this is who you married. Won't curb his spending even though we sink deeper and deeper and I'm going without. We have a free night on Saturday and he wanted to bring his son over (he lives out of town) I reminded him that we have a date that night and perhaps he could give up one of his skating nights .... NO.

I know he is running from God...and that is never successful. But I don't know how much more of this I can take. I have an appointment with an atty tomorrow just to explore my options. I know my H would be shocked to the core! He really believes I would never leave him....I never wanted to. But I don't know how to live like this. I need someone who will work with me. Not a 45 year old man who acts like he is 15.

Should I tell him after the fact that I have seen an atty and am looking at divorce as an option because I just can't be married by myself? He seems to have a need to control things (everything is in my name so all that he can control is the emotional climate and the few $$ he brings in) but I need a partner, and a lover, and a friend, and a love.

Don't tell him anything. Anything regarding D comes via your lawyer. If he wants to talk M and rebuilding and stopping his affair and that is what it is then he talks to you.

Ok, so how do I get him to talk. He just won't. As far as he is concerned nothing is wrong. If I would just relax and stop bugging him things would be fine....but they are not fine. Things settle down but never get resolved.

aho,
please read the links in my sig line below, especially the first one. I think you will find what you are looking for. Many of us here are struggling with the same thing.
Mulan

WOW! Did you ever hit the nail on the head! So how do I deal with this? I really love this guy but I live at an arms length in illusions. That makes it very tough to plan, grow, resolve issues etc. How do I do this?

Would it help to have him read "The Boomerang Relationship"?

Why do you walk on eggshells? What are you afraid of?
why is he even allowed to return to YOUR bed as if nothing ever happened? Is it ok with YOU for him to come and go as he pleases, sleep with any one he wants too, carry on realtionships with OW and tell you that it is non of your business? is that what you wnat? Becuase the more you put up with this - and walk on eggshells around it - the more you are telling him that it is ok. Totally acceptable. No wonder why he won't stop. Why would he?

do not warn him that you are talking to a lawyer. He will freak out and cut you off from any money. You need to get some money put aside for yourself - fast. You need be ready to secure your home at a moments notice. Think of what you would need to survive for at least a week, and then start acting. Have canned goods, boxed meals, whatever food you can store up - becuase he is getting you further into a hole! You need to be prepared, so that if he suddenly stops coming home, or suddenly quits putting any money into the account, at least you will be able to feed yourself and son.

Ahopefulone - my heart truly goes out to you. You need to good friend to put an arm around you and tell you that You Can Do It! I am not talking about divorce - I am talking about taking your own life back - yoru self esteem. re-gain your own life, and then, if he wants to be part of it - Great! When you gain back your own power - you will be able to say "if you wnat me - you need to get help. Period."

You ask if having him read a book would help? It may - but be honest with yourself. How can you get him to read a book when he is gone 5 nights a week? If you could get him to read a book - then you could also get him to do a lot of the things he should be doing, to protect his wife. But he won't do ANYTHING to protect you. So why would he read a book?

You can not make him do anything. BUT you can do a lot for yourself, and your son.

start today. Start small. Find ways to fill your cupboards with food. Start changing your bedroom around, to make it a retreat for you.

Eventually, he needs to get back out of your room. If he is going to come and go as he pleases, won't committ to having a date with you, and won't stop having relationships with OW, then he needs to go back to the basement. you are his WIFE and worthy to be treated with respect. your feelings count. You have value. He is hurting your feelings, and that is not right.

Do not let this "blow over" it is not right.
I think you have been at this for so long, that you have forgotten what a M is supposed to be like. So let me tell you right now- this is NOT right.

Sister - you are showing your son the wrong way to treat a woman.

aho - take the time to read (and re-read) the MB thread on P/A behaviour. It's in my sig line below. The information you're looking for is in there.
Good luck.
Mulan