Hi here is my problem last year I had an affair on my wife she found out on feb 21st of this year. She left and last month we went to mediation for a divorce and for our son. So the day after mediation we started talking and spending time together and I told her how sorry I was and how much I love her and want to work things out she says she will never be able to trust me again and wants to be friends. So since then we started being around each other and this past sat night she stayed the night I tried to make love to her but she wouldnt and once again said she wants to be just best friends. So yesterday she called me and asked if she could come move in with me this weekend because she stays at her brothers house and they are remodiling so she can either go stay with her friend or come live with me of course I said yes because living with her I can prove that I love her. But she wants to have seperate bedrooms and keeps telling me she wants to be friends. I am so confused about all of this at times I can tell she loves me and wants me and the other times it feels like she wants to be just friends I am very confused and need some advice really bad

How do I get her back I love her so much

Welcome.

Begging, clinginess, and desperation will only make her want to be around you less.

There's a lot you can do but there's no magic formula that will convince her to drop the divorce.

What kind of husband were you before?

Let her move in with separate bedrooms so that you can spend some time earning back her trust. It will take months and months to do that. You also will need to figure out why you were so willing to take the chance of losing your family and jeopardize your son's future for an affair.

So exactly how far would you be willing to go to reconcile your marriage?

Would you be willing to address the character issues within yourself that allowed you to choose to have an affair?

Well I was a really great husband at first then her mother got involved in our life way to much and then my wife got pregnant and after the baby was born things got really bad there was no sex we couldnt comminicate or talk with out arguing and calling each other names then i had the affair which really wasnt an affair because I put an ad online for a woman the woman met me we kissed and groped for a couple minutes then i stopped and told her i couldnt do it and made her leave then the woman tried black mailing me for money or she would tell my wife. So i ignored her and i told my wife i had a crazy customer who was mad at me to try to hide what i did incase she found out so the woman kept trying to black mail me and i still ignored her and now here i am my wife found out and now all i wish is to be with her and only her forever and i am so confused and need advice

I will do anything and whatever it takes to get her back

A premeditated affair! Disgusting. I'm sorry man, but that's just nasty, what you did - and your mother-in-law had nothing to do with it.

Calling each other names? I could never understand how couples do this. What a hateful thing to do, calling your partner names.

Sounds like impulse control is your problem, first and foremost.

Please don't get offended.

GC

Im not just need to know how to make things right and get her back

name calling happens in most relationships... it is part of a persons make up...now what the name is can vary greatly if you get my drift.

impulse control is obviously a problem for you though.

THERE IS NO ACCEPTABLE EXCUSE FOR YOUR AFFAIR.

Let her move in and start finding ways to make deposits into her love bank... do not be needy, clingy or weepy. Expect nothing and give everything you have to recovering. Your wife is hurt and needs to find a way to trust in you again. Be transparent, be helpful and be willing to talk about whatever she needs to do.

Read all there is to read here. Seek out BS like Believer... a BW's perspective will be invaluable to you.

Most of all...be genuine in your remorse for your actions. They are yours and yours alone and you must own them entirely.

MEDC

Sir,

It's up to your wife as to whether she can ever take you back or not. You have committed the ultimate betrayal.

The good news for you is that you are way ahead of many wayward spouses in that you are remorseful, accept responsibility and have a can do attitude ("do whatever it takes"). You can be helped and there are good people here that will offer advice.

thank you but is there hope for me to get her back what are all the things I should do to get her back I dont want anyone else but her

She wants to be friends. Okay. My wife and I started as friends first. Then you need to slowly win back her trust. You need to go at her speed not yours. She resents that you just want to just gloss over you affair and put it behind you when it was a hugely traumatic event in her life.

First order of business. Print off the emotional needs and love busters questionnaire and fill it out how you think she would. Learn to control your LBs and start meeting the ENs that she will allow you to meet.

The quickest way to get divorced is to blame her or downplay it as an affair. Telling her, "it really wasn't an affair because I just kissed and groped her," or, "you weren't having sex with me enough," will just dig yourself deeper. You screwed up and the affair is ALL YOUR FAULT. The marriage had problems before the affair which was partly her fault as well, but the affair is YOUR FAULT.

Your right thank you how long before you got ur wife back mine is moving in with me this weekend but wants it as friends what do u suggest I do to help the situation

My wife ended her affair on 11/8/07. We just had sex for the first time again just last Sunday. Affairs generally take about 2 years to recover from, but you can usually start seeing positive signs after about 6 months of working on the marriage after the affair is over.

I dont really care about having sex with her what I would really love to do is kiss her and just hold her in my arms all night I dont want her for sex I want her and her close to me

She is probably not going to want a lot of phyical contact at first.

Are you willing to work at your marriage over a long period? That is what it is going to take.

You can start by being a good father, and a good friend.

Yes I am willing to do anything it takes as long as it gets me back with her I love her

Then you need to be open and honest with her, answer any questions she has truthfully, spend 15 hours a week with her doing fun things, be a good father, and meet her emotional needs.

And somehow you need to convey to her that you won't start looking for another affair every time things don't go right in your marriage. All marriages have ups and downs, and periods of flatness. The trick is to get through them together.

Well, that just started about two months ago if you are looking for that timeline.