I Found out that H had a ow since before we married! We married in 2000 and he met his OW in 1999 and started a PA! they have been together for 8 years and he doesnt want to end it. He told me that he will always love her and they are meant to be together and that he does not want kids with me. I am so mad and angry. Is this even worth saving? We have no kids at all and he has already moved out in his own place. What to do now?

Sorry my title is wrong I dont know all the abbreviations yet. I am so upset I meant to type I am upset with H. But his Best friend I am mad at too because he says that H loves his OW and never is coming home and I should just accept it that they love eachother and its not really cheating because they were together before we married! Ugh!

why did he get married then? i don't get it.
is SHE married?

mlhb

divorce him and move on.

I am sorry I am so upset can hardly type. He says he married me because she lived in the midwest at that time and it was a long distance affair but he could not let me go so he married me. That makes me feel worse, he only married me because she lived too far away. I am so upset.
She had a boyfriend but they broke up and now my H has moved out. She is moving in with him I just know it, why would he leave if she wasnt moving in with him?. I don't understand him at all anymore. i thought he was in love.

Everyone is telling me to do that but is that right? Should I just let go because he wants to be with OW now? we are married and he says now he doesnt want to be anymore. its not fair to me!

We can help you grieve the loss of your M... but frankly if you are looking for advice here, divorce seems to be the only real option. Frankly, your M has been a sham from the moment HE said "I do."

BTW... your H's best friend is an a-hole for making that comment.

Dump this loser and find someone that will love and respect you (after you have healed.).

MEDC

no, its not fair. and there is no way to make this fair either... sad but true.

I am so sorry for your hurt.

We had dated for 2 yeas before we married. we met in 1998 and he met her in 1999 he says. they had started an affair while we dated, but he married me and kept it secret. I just found out because I found emails and texts on his cell phone from ow. She lived out of our state. we live east coast and now she must be moving here. They had long distance affair and she traveled to see him and him to see her. I found emails that they even vacation together! I thought he was on buisness tripe but he just lied to me the whole time. I want to know if our relationship meant nothing or is he just in fog? Was he in fog before we married and should I just give up and hand him to her? I invest 9 years in this and now he tells me that he wants divorce!

He is a liar, cheater and poor excuse for a man. Why would you want to stay married to this guy espcially if you don't have children together. You must be pretty young and there are actually a lot of decent men out there who would love and respect you and love to have children with you.

Take him for everything he has under the law and move on.

If you applied MB methods, you probably could have another chance at your marriage.

I would recommend against that, most urgently and strongly.

The only way I could see a reconciliation taking place, and being a good thing for both of you, is if this sad, sick man was completely transformed in every way, including spiritually. God's power is 100%, but the chance of your WH allowing the work that would need to be done is slim.

Make a new life for yourself, keep him in your prayers, and thank God for the blessing of not having children to go through this.

Stick around here and learn all you can, and your future relationships will be much healthier for it.

I'm so sorry he did this to you.

Its just hard to let go and believe that he really never love me. its hard because he kept saying he wasnt ready for kids and I believed him, we kept putting it off because he would not agree to fertitlity treatment. I wanted kids but wasnt getting pregnant. I did want to have kids but we kept waiting and waited for him to agree to start treatment. we argued alot about having kids because I was ready to start. I am not so young thats why its hard to think of starting over. I am almost 40. I am just going to cry my eyes out and let him have a divorce.

I'm sorry but I have to say I am afraid because I make more money than him so he will get eveything he want, divorce, ow, and some of my money and property. I cant even get anything from him because I make more than him. In my state I would have to pay him. I am sick over this.

What state are you in?

Let me start off by saying, I have absolutely no knowledge about laws and how they pertain to divorce, but here is something I wonder about. Since his A started before you were married and continued until you found out at which time he left you, I wonder if you could have your M annuled. He went into this M under false pretense. I'm not sure if you could somehow use that fact to help with the money thing.

Have you seen a lawyer yet?

I live in state of new york.

I havent seen a lawyer yet because I am so scared I dont know what to do. my friend works for a law office and she said she will try to help me find a lawyer. I am just so afraid that he will get money from me.

D&A:

Divorce might be the best option.

However.

He did marry you.

He met OW. And continued to date her, text her, whatever, for all these years.

For whateveer reason, he finally decided it was time to cut you loose.

Is it because the OW is moving into town?

If so, she is putting extreme pressure on your WH to fly right with her.

And that pressure will continue, and OW and your WH may not last long.

Remember, he only ever had her on a part-time basis. But you were around all the time.

And it took him this long to go. He had his reservations about this other woman for all these years.

And something changed, and OW, sensing that he was pulling away, may have decided that moving closer would get him permanently.

And all the rewriting of your Marital history, your being M'ed because you lived here, etc., all fog talk. Really.

He's trying to justify his messed up choices.

Do not do anything rash right now. Stop, Be still and continue to post. We can help you with this.

Read Bugsmom Thread. She had a OW that caught her H eye suddenly, and he moved to his Father House. She plan A'ed him, and seems to be winning the battle.

Not exactly your sitch, but many of the things you need to learn and will learn, if you hang around here, are in that thread. Also, read LilSis original thread. Over 250 pages, but its all in there.

D&A:

You can survive this. Don't worry. Your M may not, but that is up to your H.

You decide to fight? We can be your backup.

LG

You need an attorney because from my short look at NY laws on divorce, custody, child support you may be in better position than you think....

go to link:
NY child support calculator

READ: especially last paragraph about "marital fault may be considered"

New York is an "equitable distribution" state. Marital property acquired during the marriage will be equitably divided between the spouses, based on the following factors: (1) the contribution of each spouse to the acquisition of the marital property, including the contribution of each spouse as homemaker; (2) the value of each spouse's property at the time of the marriage and at the time of filing for divorce; (3) the probable future economic circumstances of each spouse; (4) the length of the marriage; (5) the age and health of the spouses; (6) the amount and sources of income of the spouses; (7) the present and potential earning capability of each spouse; (8) the potential loss of inheritance or pension rights upon dissolution of the marriage; (9) whether the property award is instead of or in addition to maintenance; (10) custodial provisions for the children and the need for a custodial parent to occupy the marital home; (11) the type of marital property in question (whether it is liquid or non-liquid); (12) the impossibility or difficulty of evaluating an interest in an asset such as a business, profession, or corporation and the desirability of keeping such an asset intact and free from interference by the other spouse; (13) the tax consequences to each party; (14) the wasteful dissipation of assets; (15) any transfer of property made in anticipation of divorce; (16) any equitable claim that a spouse has in marital property, including joint efforts and expenditures, and contribution and services as a spouse, parent, wage earner, and homemaker, and to the career and career potential of the other spouse; and (17) any other factor necessary to do equity and justice between the spouses. Marital fault may be considered. Financial disclosure of assets and income are mandatory. [Consolidated Laws of New York Annotated; Domestic Relations Law, Volume 8, Section 236, Part B].

Thank you lousygolfer. I am just so discourage because they have been in affair for 8 years now! I cant help but believe him that he was only with me because she wasnt closer. I read somewhere that affair only last 2 years. But eight years! In one email ow calls herself Camilla and called H Charles! Like prince Charles! I cant believe he could do this to me. How do I fight this? I want to but most people have said get a divorce. i am almost 40 and i want kids. how long do I wait. I feel so scared that any decision will be the wrong one. I really dont know where to turn.