H. is ending his affair and wants to come home. I have come out of Plan B now. We are starting to talk. Ours is a complicated mess. He is in Missouri with his job and I am back in Wisconsin. Yes, he is looking for a new job here, but hasn't found one yet. Yes, he is in counciling, a condition that I insisted upon. Yes, he has ended his affair, but he is just starting to go through the withdrawal. He is taking a week's vacation to be come home next week. I have dreamt of this for a long time, and I want to be happy, but I want to be cautious as well. How do we proceed from here? It is going to take some time for him to get a job back here. There is so much to think about. Do I invite him to stay in the home now while he is here and offer to bring the kids to Missouri on the weekends that he can't come home?

I need some pro advice from here on out...PLEASE!!!

Has he agreed to the conditions you set out? Did you set out conditions? Be careful. And wait for more advice than I can give.

He definitely needs to send a NC LETTER that you read.

This should be NON-NEGOTIABLE.

Yes, I do understand that condition. He is coming back on Sunday and we have many things to discuss...

Yes and Yes..once he writes the letter...

Can you move there?

15 hours a week of undivided time with each other is best for Recovery...

Don't know your story, but I came out of Plan B about 2 months ago. Here is some stuff for you:

~ Has he met ALL of your Plan B conditions? If not, I do not recommend that he comes home. Actually, I don't even recommend breaking Plan B until he has agreed to all of your conditions; but I am assuming he has met all of your conditions, so I will continue. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

~ I did not want my FWH to come home full time right away anyways. Some might disagree with this, (but we are in counseling with Steve Harley (WHICH I HIGHLY RECOMMEND!!!!), and he agreed). You probably want to ease back into a relationship with him. You need time to have some interaction with him and then have time to retract and think about those interactions. That was very helpful to me.

~GUARD YOUR HEART. We went through a false recovery, and that ain't fun. It makes things MUCH MUCH HARDER. Be on guard.

~ Start phone counseling with Steve. I cannot recommend it highly enough. Recovery is not for sissies ~ it sucks and it is very hard. I had no idea what to do after Dday#1, we were fumbling through recovery and it did not go well. Get a "real plan" together.

That's all I can think of for now. If I think of more later, I'll post it.

No, Mimi, I can't move there. I have a job here and the kids schooling is here. In addition, he wants to come back to Wisconsin. His job in Missouri keeps him hopping around from one place to the next and he is never in one place for more than 6 months. It's not an ideal situation for a family or for a married man...

I agree with MF.

DO NOT COME OUT OF PLAN B UNTIL HE WRITES THE LETTER.

I, too, went through FALSE RECOVERIES..PLURAL...

And, yes, RECOVERY IS HARD, HARD, HARD....

Regarding moving back in together, I guess all situations are different 'cause Steve counseled me to allow my H to move back in..HE WAS SOOOOO ADDICTED TO THE OW...could not handle BEING ALONE...

I believe you...truly I do. I know that the road ahead is going to be rough and long and I am bracing myself... I am sort of relieved, but I am a bit nervous as well, which should be expected...

What we don't want to happen is for your H to get RELIEF from the PAIN of PLAN B in order to go back and ENJOY the AFFAIR AGAIN...

He has to be DEFINITELY FINISHED WITH HER...and know that he can't be with you until he makes that DEFINITE DECISION...to never see or talk to her again in his life...

Yes, he knows the conditions about never having contact with her again.

Not just words, X...

THE LETTER...IS A MUST!!!!

Yes, I do understand Mimi.

Well, that was quick. Yes, an NC letter is a must. For some strange reason, if they are not serious about NC, they refuse to send one. It would be very easy to just send one, and have contact anyway, but it is very unusual for that to happen. Mostly they refuse to send one, saying contact is over, it is pointless, they don't want to hurt the OW, they told them over the phone, blah, blah, blah.

The statements above really say it all. Xetta, let me tell you, I really fear that this is all a ploy for your husband to get relief from your plan B. A man will shovel horse manure and work 3rd shift road crew work if that is what it takes to feed and take care of his family. There is a job available for EVERY abled human being in this country.

I am gonna be the party pooper here and really question this situation.

I hope to be wrong, but this smells like false recovery brewing. Why can't he just move home and quit the job in Missouri? I make a large sum of money (probably greater than 98%) of this country, and I'd give up that that job in a second if it meant being able to put my family back together. I might be the only MD I know stocking books at Borders, but I would do it if I had to. HE SHOULD BE DOING THE SAME.

I want to be wrong....what is TANGIBLY different this time? ACTIONS, NOT WORDS....NOT TALK.

Lem

OMG..HOW WONDERFUL..LM AND I..IN TOTAL AGREEMENT!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I happen to agree with you more than you think, but if I let you know that, this board may disintegrate. You and I are needed to cancel each other out Mimi. It is good for the eco system <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LM

Another thing ~ I am still guarded and my FWH understands why I am that way...it isn't something I can help, it just is. I am not sure about this because I only know my sitch, but I believe that this can indicate true recovery.

So, stay guarded. For me, I can't help it ~ like I said, I just am. There isn't anything I can do about it ~ it is a self-defense mechanism. FWH knows he has to take it from there, and so far so good in that arena.

If that helps any...

Me thinks LM is getting 'soft' in his old age. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> 1st Believer is his girl and now he's in harmony w/Mimi? LOL!!
Just kidding. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Xetta,
Gonna tell you that this is the time you need to see actions and NOT talk. WS' are all about talk and very little about long term enduring actions.

So be cautious and don't throw out plan B. That's your safety net. I still keep plan B in my back pocket and we've been recovery since 2003. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Thanks everyone... I am definitely taking this cautiously. I am very guarded right now. I have been burned one too many times and I am making sure that I cover all of my bases. I am not giving an inch without him doing what is necessary to meet my conditions.