I agree and I am concerned, but you can lead a horse to water... I know myself how hard it is to risk loosing it all to win it all.... But as an old chief told me you can't loose what you havn't got...

Jim

Boy, is that the truth!

JinGA

So... I haven't written in awhile. WH had a weeks vacation that he spent with the kids and me. He had just recently broken it off, so I knew better than to expect much, but there were some highlights as well as some sticky spots throughout the week.

We did spend some time fishing together, just the two of us and yes, we had a good time. Some joking and laughing which was good. We had our counseling appointment as well, which left us pretty tense. We also saw a movie together which went well.

Right now, things are pretty tense. He is back in another state where his job is and he seems to not be completely honest. Yes, she is gone, but something tells me there is more yet that I don't know. I will continue to keep my eyes open and see what happens. I am being very cautious about this so far, but I am still kicking out a wonderful Plan A that kicks butt.

I just pray to God that he will be strong enough to pull through this withdrawal...

What?!?!? U don't feel safe? Tell him. How?

Ex:

Dear WS,

Howz work? We enjoyed the vacation. Hope you did also.

Been wondering if you noticed anything.....something wicked has been in the air. It seems to be coming from (his direction)up north? Just a hunch but is all ok?

It is making me feel a bit sick to my stomach and weak. I don't like bad hunches or virus'. Which one have you got?

We've been connected so long, I would hate to get more bad vibes. So a true update would be helpful.

Bye,
BS

As long as your H is in another state and not living with you... you cannot be sure the OW or another OW is not in the picture.
You are praying about him coming through the withdrawal and I just see little chance of him making it through anything with having zero accountability while off somewhere else.

OW was as of last night still living with WH.

I am frustrtrated trying to help and Guide Xetta,

She complains alot and I can feel her pain then she just keep movings her line in the sand. I am of the current opinion she is Enabling the WW's cakewalk / A.


maybe someone else can get her attention, she dosn't want t to hear the truth. makes lost of excuses for WW and why he can't comply, needs more time... R emindes me of a co-depandant and a drunk.

Sorry but just real frustrated. she asks what to do, knows what needs to be done, just dosn't have the will to do it. Pity she is making it harder then it needs to be IMHO. She is riding on denigl and that isn't a river in egypt...


Jim

Xetta,

Recovery is not possible if you are not together, AND if your WH is still shacked up with poor little sick OW. This relationship will not stop if the blood supply is not cut off. If your WH even so much as hears OW's voice, you are back to square one.

I'm not saying these things to be mean, on the contrary, this is the reality of an affair situation. YOu will be in this state of limboland as long as YOU allow it.

This is a time for boundaries. What is your boundary on infidelity? If it's not acceptable, how will you enforce YOUR boundary? This is not about FORCE, this is about protecting yourself.

I do understand what you are saying. I do. I have contacted my lawyer regarding a legal question and I will know more when I have the answer. The deadline he gave me is July 1st. She is supposed to be out by then in her own apartment hours away from where he is at. Last night, he did contact me very late and told me that they had a discussion and she may not even be there when he got home from work. Discussion? Sounds more like a fight...

Things are coming to a head. He is coming home this weekend and will be here through July 1st. I will ask him for all the information I require and I will tell him that I am planning on coming to see him the following weekend with the kids. If there is any hesitation on his part, then I will know that she is not gone. I will be calling his bluff...

The question I posed to my lawyer is that if I end this reconcilation period, is this the only and last chance that we get at one? or can we try again if he decides to finally commit to an honest reconcilation period? This is a question that I want legal guidance from my lawyer on. If we can have multiple tries, I may just go ahead and end this farce...

Okay, on the 6th (19 days ago), you promised you weren't going to give an inch until he met your conditions. Has he met your conditions? Has he sent a no contact letter? Has he been going to counseling? Has he stopped having contact with the OW? In other words, what ACTIONS has he taken, or is it all just talk?

I am curious about your conditions, also, not so that I can beat up on you, but to help you see how easily we fall in line with a WS, how easily we give another chance to an active cheater. I did it; I know how it works. It's a waste of time.

Xetta, as long as you are not divorced, you can get back together umpteen times, it doesn't matter. The only problem that I suffered is having to wait a year past any 'overnights' that we may have had, or any attempts at recovery, before I could be D'd. I never cared about the separations, because I had a legal separation agreement.

Ask yourself if you are making excuses for a cheater. (Hint hint, you probably are).

Thanks for chiming in beliver I have been asking the exact same questions and gettin excuses for WH from BS here... and Hung up on when I swing my MB 2x4...

His ACTIONS from my view have been NADA ZIP ZERO NONE NINE NEIT. why should he he is being enabled and she is now making excuses why it is acceptable. see above with the July 1st Bull that WH set. WH is making the demands, setting the conditions. what plan b has that...

Based on my almost daily talks with Xetta, she has told me... OW still living with WH in his appt, (in seprate bedrooms and sorry that dog don't hunt) and WH now wants to July 1. It was before he got home (from there week visit) but she was still there, Then end of the week after he got home and she is still there, Now it is to July 1st...

OW needed Back surgery and WH was going with her to comfort her.

There has NOT been a NC letter written much less delivered.

He has not stopped contact as OW is livin in WH appt.


Actions taked by WH... He went with OW to Hosp to comfort, He has OW in his appt, he got the hearing delayed so he can play longer, Sorry Jen hang up on me again but your being played for a fool and he is cakewalking in the extream.

Jim

Jen,

Have you confiremd OW has moved out yet?

July 1st is his self-imposed deadline. After that, all bets are off... I will want full cooperation or else I am going to end the reconcilation...

Going to start playing hardball...

Well what is the News? the 1st has came and went what is the butchers bill?

Jim

well Xetta is she gone?

WH was to call after he thought she might NOT be gone.
He didnt call as promased did he to say she is gone.

Did he met the SELF Imposed deadline? I am betting not...

OK Pros I need your help here... Xetta needs your help, she won't hear me and dosn't want to hear me... By her actions is buyinmg his foggy BS, she is now making excuses for him. I can't help somone who dosn't want to be helped, Maybe the the pro can get through Xetta's fog...

Just today she told me she did A a good plan b for 3 weeks... I about went nuts and lost it...

I really want to help her but she just dosn't seem to understand... I am too close and need to disengage a little can someone here pick up for me for a bit...

Jim

Xetta,

You are not the first t/b disappointed by a WS and you won't be the last. The loss of not letting us help you will only be yours.

What we say may seem rough but right now others care for you more than the one formerly known as your H. The WS is toxic to your family and any association with the OW makes him more toxic.

We can help you have a healthier POV thereby making yourself attractive to your H and even alluring to the WS but you can NOT be trolling after him and hanging on his every babbling word.

So the question to you is, do you want our help or not? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

This is part of the tough love you hear us talk about.

Believe it or not, we understand.

Hugz,
L.

OK...

So apparently our reconciliation is nothing more than a false recovery on his part. I waited and gave him three weeks since we signed the reconcilation papers and OW is still living in his apartment. He promised she would be out in a week and then he changed the deadline until July 1st. He spent this past weekend with me and the children and he even admitted that he had a good time, but I did suspect that she would still be there and I prepared myself for that, so it was no surprise when I talked to him this morning and she was still in his apartment.

I told him that I can't see him anymore and he will have to make different arrangements when he comes to town next time. I pointed out that I waited patiently for the past three weeks and that I will not be treated like this any longer. I won't end the reconcilation period, but I just won't talk or see him again until she is gone. I am not his doormat...

I am planning on taking myself bowling tonight. I need to throw a ball at his head (head pin) and let out some of my frustration. I am really not surprised and I figured that this was coming. I just need to go completely dark now...

For now...he is dead to me...

I was sort of hoping for good news. Obviously the OW is going to play whatever card she can to hang on to him. But don't be discouraged (although I know how disappointing it is). There are a lot of people that had several false recoveries before the real thing.

At least your husband admitted she was still there. Mine kept saying the OW was gone, and then I would find out otherwise.

Well, this is good news, in a way - you finally laid it on the line!!! As long as you were allowing him to continue waffling, recovery of your marriage didn't have a chance of succeeding. Now it will, as long as you stick to your guns!!! Good for you, Xetta!!

Xetta,

False recovery should be met with a tight, dark, HARD plan B.