The counseling appointment is in his name and I wouldn't be able to cancel it regardless. Our marriage counselor is a woman that doesn't mince words. I sort of want to be there to see her ream him a new (bleep).

And I do realize that the dating issue would just make things tougher in the long haul. It's getting tougher and tougher to stay focused on the goal when you've been repeatedly hurt...

It's getting tougher and tougher to stay focused on the goal when you've been repeatedly hurt...

This pain will only continue and compound with dating, as you will then be pulled into arguments about your dating. Judging from you pointedly asking your WH about dating, I think you are USING it to get back at him; this is not a good tack to pick if you want to save your M. What married person, that you know, DATES?

I'm with believer on this. Plan B.

Yes, you are all right and I know that... Plan B is my best bet for insulating myself from anymore hurt.

"It's getting tougher and tougher to stay focused on the goal when you've been repeatedly hurt..."

That is why the Harleys say that the BS can sometimes be the one who is the biggest threat to the recovery of the marriage. We see folks here who go on and on trying to save the marriage. I did it for over 3 years. But I imagine there are many who give it a good try and love their spouse, but get worn out.

Plan B is to protect your love for him. And I will tell you once it is gone, it's gone. I think when I lost respect for my husband after his repeated lies and helplessness in getting rid of the OW. I just woke up one morning and didn't give a d*mn anymore.

I forget how long you have been doing this, but Plan A needs to be limited to about 6 months.

Sometimes I feel like I am getting too close to that point...the point of no return.

I found out about his affair on Thanksgiving night and had been in Plan A until the beginning of May. I then went into Plan B for about three weeks. At the beginning of June, he asked for the reconcilation papers to be signed. He took a week off from work and came home. OW was supposed to be out of his apartment by the time he returned. He returned on a Sunday evening and it wasn't until the following Wednesday that I found out that she was still there. I had even addressed the issue with him before he left. I had asked him straight up what he would do if she was still in his apartment. His answer was that he would find another place. He didn't, nor was he up-front with me on it. Then he told me that she had an apartment set up for July 1st. So, I told myself that he had drawn this deadline in the sand and I would wait out the next two weeks. He was home last weekend and returned to work on Sunday, July 1st. He told me that he would call on Monday, July 2nd, and he didn't. I contacted him on the morning July 3rd. She was still in his apartment.

I went back to a stellar Plan A after I signed the reconcilation papers. I allowed him to stay at the house (different sleeping arrangements) and we did a load of family things. In addition, we spent time together, just the two of us. And yes, he agreed that we had a good time together and he felt like we were beginning to get back on track. But now I have told him that I don't want to see him until she is gone. He thinks I am over-reacting. He is justifying the fact that the OW is still in his apartment as due to circumstances. It's a lot of wayward bull from him.

So, now it seems that a very dark Plan B is my only option... After this last stint, I called him to find out from him if he wanted to continue this reconcilation period. If he didn't have any intentions of doing so, I was going to start dating. I have been pushed so far that I feel like I am becoming worn out. I don't have any trust left for him...

((((Xetta))))

This would be a very good time for you to step away from the wayward. You are becoming worn out; it sounds like you have done plan A longer than many, and you are exhausted. With that being said, you may want to NOT make any other large decisions that will affect your family, ESPECIALLY dating. Remember, there is more to this than just Xetta, there are the children and the husband that need you to keep it together as best you can.

Give yourself plenty of time to heal prior to starting anything else. Focus all of your time and energy on you and the family, outside relations can wait. I so understand what you are going through right now, and that is why I say to slow things down. Take care of JUST XETTA and family--begin your personal recovery. Work on YOU, to be that Xetta you used to know, but better.

Thanks Silent... I do intend on focusing on myself and my kids right now. You are right. I don't need to be dating. Even if this is the end of the road for us, it wouldn't be fair to the other guy when I am not over the excess baggage of this marriage yet.

I will go dark now. I have to. It will be the only way to protect myself. WH says he cries when he leaves because he feels like he's been stripped of everything. It's really funny though. I didn't strip him of anything. He walked away willingly. When he finally realizes that his fate is in his hands and that only he can change it... but not before then. Not before then...

So, I will go dark to save my own strength and to recoup. I have been through the emotional blender and I have to take time to heal my own wounds... Whatever happens...so be it...

Xetta,

I think you can see the wisdom of going into a good, dark Plan B right now so I'm not going to go into that. What I AM going to go into is "how to do that."

Reprint your Plan B letter and give it to him--of if it's gone now, use the link in my signature "Sample Plan B Letter." Find a reliable intermediary, and if you just can not find someone, I am available to do it for you. You can contact me via email by clicking on my name---it's in my profile.

Also, look at my link called "How to tell when to end Plan B" and it will give you a clue what it will look like when he is really, truly, finally ready to reconcile. I like the way Mortarman says it: Full Surrender. Up to this point you have given him plenty of opportunities to negotiate and end this peacefully, and he has chosen to continue the "war" on your M. Going into Plan B means that the way he gets another chance now is full and total surrender. Not that everything has to be "your way or the highway" but more like, you need to see a genuinely repentant heart and work ON HIS OWN that he initiates that indicates he's ready to end the A and return to the M. He doesn't come back with blame or his own "demands"--it's Surrender!!

Finally, get everything lined up and set up this weekend: finances are separated, clothes and food for yourself, bills in your name, etc. Take care of the practical stuff. Then give him that Plan B letter and come back here to so we can help you get through your own withdrawal. Yes, BS's go through withdrawal when they go into a good Plan B, because they miss their S and sometimes they miss the drama a little too. You will think of a million little reasons why you need to call him or little things you need to ask him about (the water heater, the mower, the oil in the car, etc.). NOPE! No Contact!! Come here instead and we'll talk some sense into ya and get you through those first few days alone--without some other man to date.

You can do it Xetta!! Trust me...I did it, and if I can do it anyone can!! We're here for ya!!



--CJ

Yippee..... 'he feels'.... that's a good sign. WS' have no feelings. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> We get our strength from the weirdest places, don't we?!??!!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

This was a copy of my first Plan B letter:

Dear WH,

I am very sorry for my part in creating an environment that made it possible for you to engage in your affair with OW. This past year had been hard on both of us and I did not handle it well. I was not there to meet your emotional needs.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I have made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet both of our needs. However, I cannot do that until you end your relationship with OW once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing or speaking with you. I will not be there at home when you to pick up the children or when you drop them off. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through our lawyers.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you in this way. You know of the hurt that I feel every time I see you and the utter devastation that I feel when I know you continue to engage in your affair. You come home to me and cry about losing everything, but then you continue to live in the misery you have created. It tears me up seeing you sob and knowing that there is nothing I can do to help you. Simply put, I cannot see you any longer while you are involved with OW.

As soon as you permanently separate from OW, I will be willing to discuss our future together. I would like us to be able to rebuild our marriage together some day. I want us to be able to meet each other’s needs and to avoid hurting each other. We need to rebuild a life that will make both of us happy. The hardest part in all of this was the feeling of losing my best friend. I want to be your best friend again, someone who is always there to meet your needs. And I want you to be my best friend.

I loved you when we took our marriage vows and I love you today, but I cannot be with you or help you as long as you are with OW.

Your Sweet Pea,



Xetta



If there are any recommendations on changes to this letter, please advise me.

I would leave this part out -

You come home to me and cry about losing everything, but then you continue to live in the misery you have created. It tears me up seeing you sob and knowing that there is nothing I can do to help you.

Yes, I can do that...

In addition, I used our lawyers last time as go-betweens, but he has told me that he is going to fire his lawyer, so I will have to come up with another option there...

Jen,

IMHO you neeed to find a very strong PITA Intermeadary.
I know you better then most here and you are going to need alot of buckin up... Aslo personally I would edit your conditions to your B letter

1 OW gone and NO contact with OW FOREVER (he needs to write NC letter you approve and mail)

2 He needs to get a job back in the area. You cannot make it work when he is living out of state.

no more wishy wash cowgirl UP and get er done!

Jim

I see your point, Jim.

Thanks.

I have done some talking with family today and they do agree that I should end the reconcilation period. WH is just wasting my time. I will see him at the counseling appointment to basically hand him my Plan B letter and tell him that I am ending the reconcilation period. I did talk with him this morning and I asked him what exactly did he think my reaction would be? He couldn't say. He didn't know what my reaction would be because he hadn't thought about it. If he hadn't thought about it, then he must not really care and this whole reconcilation is a total waste of my time...

I will leave it open that if he does finally get rid of her, then we can talk about it again, but not before... I won't make that mistake twice.

Get your Plan B letter ready, and post it here if you can. It should definitely state that he needs to unload her before you attempt any kind of reconciliation. Don't let him drag this out any longer. My ex kept saying OW would be gone - he kept that up for nearly a year. It gets old. He even went a whole 12 hours without contacting her.

how are you doing hun?

Jim