My STBXH is not communicating with our only child- our 11 yr old adopted daughter since November 2006. My daughter called STBXH sister's phone several times in Nov & Dec 2006 (I also called twice to talk to him for daughter's sake) asking for return call but he did not call us back.So we stopped calling since then. He knows our number anyway. I know he is living with OW and 2 OC back in our home country which he kept since 1998. And he may thought it is better to stop communicating with us anymore. He maybe hurt and maybe angry with us because we were not able to reconcile and work on our marriage.

We were separated since 2001. I also had an A during the early years of separation. I regret what I've done up to now. When I found out about the OW and 2 OC in 2005 I came totally clean to STBXH. Up to November last year- there was still hope for reconciliation but after that I don't see hope anymore.

My question is: what will I do? Should I let daughter initiate communication with his Dad? I just hope STBXH & OW will not think that I am still interested for recon- so we are intiating contact. Daughter have a card for Father's Day to be sent though STBXH's sister's address? Daughter has 2006 Christmas card, bday card- but were not mailed- that I am planning to send with the Father's day card.

Our daughter knew already about the OW and 2 OC. She is trying to be very understanding- but not ready yet to see them or to talk to them. I don't know what would I feel if daughter will meet them and OW as well- and fall in love with them and will have family time with them. My gosh--- My daughter is very kind-hearted, very sweet and loving. I know she will accept them positively in due time. And I know I will not hinder that--- but for sure I will cry...

To those who have been through with this- please help me to do the right thing and how to cope up with our situation positively.

Thank you all in advance.

P.S.
-edited year of last communication of DD with her my STBXH should be 2006 instead of 2005
-STBXH lives half the world away from us- he's been back in our home country since Nov 2006.
-I spoke with my daughter just now she said not to mail the Father's day card. She will just write him a letter or a journal and will give it to him when they see each other in the future...
-Okay, I maybe wishing for a good relationship between my STBXH and DD but maybe both of them are not ready yet. Honestly, I don't want my STBXH and my in-laws to think that I am the one who doesn't want DD to contact them. Please give me your thoughts on this. Thank you.

Any comments or suggestions? Please- I hope to hear something from any of you. Thanks.

You are in a no win situation. I clearly remember an employee of mine who found her biological father and attempted to have a relationship with him and she was rebuffed. Not good. It nearly destroyed her.

You daughter loves her father? I would presume so. So she can tell him in a letter. He may very well rebuff her. Be prepared to put her in counseling appropriate for her age.

Larry

The real question here is why would you WANT to advocate communication with her father?

Would you say that a bad father is better than no father? I wouldn't.

Personally, I wouldn't want someone that morally eskew having direct influence over an impressionable 11 year-old, not to mention the fact that she has already been rejected by him.

Larry- thanks for your reply. My STBXH is the adoptive father of our adopted DD. We do not know he bio parents of my DD.

Frozen- Thanks for your thought provoking question. I want to advocate communication with her father because no matter what--- he is still her father. Not a very good one obviously but I know they love each other & DD needs him in some ways- emotionally.

DD is still a minor so I think it is my responsibility to advocate at least. And I don't want to be blame in the end that I hinder contact between them. Sometimes I am thinking of writing a short note to STBXH to ask him to regularly communicate with DD in any way- but I'm not sure if that is the right thing to do- sounds like we're begging?

Any more comments/suggestions? Thanks:)

I am a single mom of a 12 yo, only daughter/child and I really understand your concerns, and I applaud you as well for being so concerned.

When I was pregnant and facing the very real possibility that my DD's dad would be absent because he was at that time acting like a real jerk, having affairs, getting drunk, etc.

I read studies where girls with absent dad's ran a higher risk of making poor choices because of the love they did not receive from their own dad's and they are prime targets of preditors because of this emotional need.

So I made it my life's duty at that time to get her dad to be a dad, and to bond with her. Even at one point going to where he was playing, walking up on stage during the middle of a song and demanding that he give me money for formula/diapers. LOL I also chased him and his girlfriend down onetime in his car and handed him my baby in her car seat and said "your turn", then drove away.

He did end up becoming a good dad to her, so our story ended up okay, although not as good as it would be if we were still together and she didn't have to live in two separate homes with two separate families.

My thoughts are to keep the good communication that you have with her going. And continue to be a stable, loving force in her life. She is going to need you in the years to come in a big way. Also let her take the lead in her communication attempts with her dad. Neither hinder, nor encourage it...just support her and always try to keep the channels of communication open between you and she. Be a safe place for her to go to, as she probably is very sad about her dad's seemingly lack of care for her.

It's sound like you are a fine mom and I just wanted to let you know that.

Is he paying support

ARK