Well, he actually did show up for d's concert tonight. Called and said he was gonna be running late and not to wait for him, he'd meet me there. Took the opportunity of my being gone to pick up some more of his stuff. His closet's a little more empty now. Says he can't do it when I'm here.<P>The concert was great! We were both so proud. It was a medly of show and cinema tunes - lots of love songs. Caught him once or twice looking very sad and stepping away from me. (Unchained Melody was one - that's the song we were dancing in the fron yard to two weeks before he told me he didn't think he loved me anymore. That day he said I was the best thing that had ever happened to him.) <P>Afterwards he asked me to walk around the festival with him. We talked and laughed a little, but he brought up Sweetie once. Bad timing. I had just heard from someone this afternoon that he had her in our yard last Tuesday when he came by. Also took her to our drs. office w/ him. I tried to be respectful, but I told him it hurt that he brought her to our home, my hometown and people confronted me about it. I mean, they have 3 good sized cities b/n there and here, can't they play somewhere else? He started to argue, but I got a little upset and I said I didn't want to argue, I just wanted him to know that it hurt. He apologized.<P>He thanked me for the anniversary card. Said he wasn't sure what we were gonna do about it this year considering... I said, with my brightest smile "Well, I'm married to a man I love very much, so I figured I could do whatever I wanted to do and that's that. Nothing much you can do about it!" He just grinned. Said I had a point.<P>We split a pretzel and he brought up my job. I started talking about what I was trying to do to get a new one and the salary differences from what I was making (that we can't live on now) and he asked if I wanted to come back to the house. We talked for a while about moving and finding a new job. Once again, he said a couple of times "I just need to get my sorry, selfish *** home and help you with the bills, don't I?"<P>I didn't say anything the first time, but the second time I just looked at him for a minute. I told him when we met and I fell in love with him, it certainly wasn't for his money (he was unemployed). He laughed. And I kept loving him and it had nothing to do with what he could buy for me. He said I know. SO, if you do want to come home - and I would really like for you to - I don't want us to try to do it because I need your money, it should be because we want to make it a great marriage. He just looked at me.<P>He's coming back tomorrow morning. To work around the house. He was really nervous tonight - the whole time. I walked him to the door and said, ok, where's my hug, it's the rule. He laughed. You're not getting one. Yep, it's the rule. OK, but I'm not gonna try to kiss you this time. I wish you would, I could use a good kiss. After my hug, we talked awhile at the door and I got another one when he left.<P>He's not the same. He said he's worried about himself - that he's gotten so hard inside. It shows a little too. He was nice to me, but a lot of the gentleness is gone. He says he feels like a robot. He acts a little like one too.<P>It's so good to see him and spend time with him and so hard, too. I thought things would get a little easier with time, but every time I see him, I realize how very much I love him, even through all of this. I hate this empty feeling. It never goes away anymore, whether I see him or not.<P>I guess there's really no point to this post. He was here and I needed to tell someone. I'm just sitting here alone (d's still at festival w/ friends) and crying and I hate it. Wonder if I'll ever get tired of Plan A? Nothing seems to make me lose love for him. <P>Oh, well, thanks for listening guys. I guess that's all.<P>Lori

Last night my H was so sweet, loving me, comforting me. This afternoon he was awful and tonight he isn't coming home.<P>Crying off and on myself, between the bouts of anger...and praying.

Dear Lostva:<BR>It sounds a little to me that the guilt of what's happened is keeping him from getting too close to you now. I really don't think he knows what love is at this particular moment even though it is staring him right in the face. He probably feels like a real snake, just like mine does at times and can't believe that I put up with his sh**. Sometimes I can't believe it either. He's done so much to hurt you and I think he may be feeling a little sorry for himself instead of trying to fix the problem. Don't you feel like screaming inside sometimes "WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU-CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I LOVE YOU AND WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU? DON'T YOU SEE WHAT I'M WORTH?" God I feel like that sometimes.<BR>Sorry to hear that Lor-sounds to me like your H is wrestling with the devil too. Guilt is a horrible thing and it does bad things to good people. Indifference is the devils grip on your H. Hang in there, God is listening to us and I will pray for you guys.

Well, he just called. "Got here and it looks like hell's freezing over so I won't be able to come over tomorrow after all"<P>"Are you ok, H?"<P>Sad "Yeah - is it ok if we do it some afternoons this week?"<P>sure<P>Poor thing. I do feel sorry for him. He's not happy with the situation he's created for himself. <P>Gotta admit, she's smart. She knows that if he spends more time here, he'll think more about coming back. Hopefully she'll start showing what a shrew she can be and drive him away. <P>Thought I'd let you know.<P>Lor - I'm so sorry. It's so very hard to deal w/ this stupid waffling. I wonder sometimes if it ever ends. I'll be thinking about you.<P>Cherub - think it's guilt? I don't know what it is. He seems so very unhappy. And not just around me, but around everyone else, too. Thanks for the prayers. WE all need them right now. Maybe he is just unhappy with himself.

Lostva.....<P>Sounds like that snake "Sweetie" is making H feel guilty for his spending time with his own wife and D. I bet that's why he can't come over tomorrow.<P>I bet he is acting irrational because he feels so guilty about the mess he brought upon himself. Now that Sweetie is pregnant, he feels guilty for wanting to be with his family and possibly leaving her. In addition, he probably feels guilty for what he has put you & your D through. He feels guilty and hopeless all over and can't come to a decision on what the right thing to do is.<P>I'm just speculating but it sure seems this has to do with "guilt."<P>Has your H ever come to the MB site? Or, has he gone to counseling? Gee....my heart goes out for you. I'll say a prayer for you...

Hi Lori -<P>My Goodness!!!! Aren't you just having the roller-coaster day......<P>You could actually look at this day in a very interesting perspective!!<P>It's like he's "dating" you and the "old ball-n-chain is getting mad!!! (TeeHee!)<P>What on earth goes through their heads? I swear that it is only air!!!<P>I know it hurts to think of what has happened and to have to watch him walk away from you.....<P>You've got A LOT of positives here though and I know that you will focus on those!!! MIL will not let you do anything else and neither will I!!!!<P>Please tell me that you are writing all this stuff down!!!! I mean it...you need more money and this could be the ticket!!! You won't even have to pay royalties to Sweetie for her character cuz nobody knows who she is!!! LOL!!!!<P>Didn't hear from your PI friend today, I gather....they probably had to take a long weekend after all the hard work and frustration they've had lately!!! LOL..<P>What's MIL up to....she hear from her daughter yet? She's a pip!!! Hey, do you think that when you and H are back together and OK she would rent herself out to me and come and kick my H's a$$ around a little bit? Heck, she could do a number on his parents for me too!!!<P>What do you think? She might get bored when things calm down there...after all the excitement - maybe she got a good adrenaline rush and would like to keep the blood flowing!!!<P>Get some well deserved and peaceful sleep tonight, will ya!!! Things are not as bad as they seem.....he loves you and I think that you know that!! Whatever the reasons for this mess..they will all come out in time! Sleep...he didn't share a pretzel with her or hug her twice or smile and look at her the way he did with you!!<P>How do I know that? He couldn't if "Hell is freezing over"!!! Gee - sounds like he's having a blast...... LOL!!<P>All will be well.....count on it!!<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

No Trust - Must be the guilt thing. Actually, right after he told me he didn't think he loved me anymore, before he left, we came to the site and looked in Harley's stuff. He was impressed. As late as the weekend before he left, he was saying he thought things could work out and we could fix the problems together and make the marriage great. Even started filling out a questionaire. He had avoided seeing her at work the week before. I know he talked with her once about his staying at home and working on his marriage. She, of course, talked him out of it. Don't know what she said, but he left that day. I've printed off several posts to give him when the time is right. Don't trust my intuition as to when that time IS, though. Agreed to go to counseling at first, thought it was a great idea, went to work one day and came home (on time - must've been lunch) and said he'd changed his mind. He wasn't going to a counselor so that someone could tell him what a jerk he was. Ah, well.....And here we are.<P>Sheba - Look, we can't live too far apart (I mean, the east is the east, right???LOL). PPPPLLLLLEEEAAASSSEEE ship me just 1/10th of your optimism, would ya? I USED to be the one that always saw the bright side, but this year has knocked the wind right out of my sails. I'm afraid to hope.<P>Printing and saving my posts. Hoping to see improvement in my life and my attitude. Journaling, too. <P>OH, I was in self-pity mode and almost forgot. It was her first name that isn't real. MIL got the real one. The two aren't even close. Like - don't even START w/ the same letter!!! I'm not sure how and I'm not sure I want to know. Also got her address. By straight up asking H. "Look, I'm your mother and I need to know where you are, now you'd better give me that address." She's something!! Got an e-mail from PI tonight - found her now. Wanted to know how far she should search (iow - how much do you want to spend). I'll write her back tomorrow.<P>She's plotting and planning. She says she's always thought it was a sin to lie, but.....well, she hopes she'll be forgiven because it's for a good cause. I said "What lies?" Never did answer me. No telling what she's up to. Hey, I know her. She likes excitement - actually would prefer it not be her own son though, so you may be in luck!<P>I sure hope you're right. Oh, well, wait and see, wait and see.<P>Thanks a lot, Sheba. Maybe I will sleep alittle tonite.<P>Lori

Lostva....although you might not see it yet, your Plan A is working. That's great to hear that your H filled out the questionaire. That shows that he is interested in saving his marriage and that he loves you. He's just so confused and messed up in his head.<P>That snake "Sweetie" keeps stirring him the other way...making him feel guilty. She's trying to act like she is the wife and when he sees you....she makes him feel like he is betraying her and running away from his responsibility to her! I swear...such stupid thinking!<P>Funny thing is that Sweetie doesn't realize that she is LOVEBUSTING! Hooray! It sounds like your H is getting stressed out with her. Boy, I bet he is starting to feel remorse & regret for even starting up with her.<P>Hang in there. Keep doing what you are doing. Get some sleep, okay??<P>

I forgot to say that I am glad that your D had a wonderful performance....<P>Did you videotape it?<P>You both must have been so proud!!!<P>AHHHH!!!! - The connections you have!!<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

Lori--<P>I'm so glad to hear H came to the performance (and w/o Sweetie). That's great progress. <P>I'm going to ramble somewhat...I have a weird feeling about this, difficult to put into words. May just be 'cause I'm feeling kinda down myself so I'm not distinguishing feelings well. <P>The PI report should prove interesting next week, now that you have her correct first name. <P>Back to the weird feeling...I gotta hand it to you, you are accomplishing an almost perfect Plan A. I couldn't do it without lovebusting all over the place, off and on. So bear that in mind. I'm just wondering, when he calls the next time and is ready to come over, DO you let him? I realize you want him to feel that warm "coming home" feeling...and yes, I acknowledge, Sweetie is certainly irritating him. But he's not irritated enough NOT to abide by her wishes which we're assuming is no contact with you. I guess the feeling is, if he thinks he can come over whenever it's convenient for him because you're being so nice about it, what's to prevent him from discounting your feelings entirely, and CONTINUING to just "sneak over" when he can get away from her. The other posters are right, the situation has reversed...she's the ball and chain, you're "the lover." There's good, and bad, in that. I worry that you may stay in limbo-land for a long time as a result. He may think well, I screwed up once and left my W for this girl, I CAN'T do the same bad thing again and leave HER. You know?--like two wrongs don't make a right? <P>I'm wondering...(and remember my desperate betrayed brain glitches, corrections to my improper thinking always welcomed)...when he asks to come over next time, are you available? I suppose in a perfect Plan A, you are. I'm not saying be mean about it, but wonder if you might sweetly say his suggestion of timing isn't convenient; you already have plans then, giving him a TINY HINT of his lack of respect in the relationship, and how about Saturday instead (or whenever)? I believe you've ALWAYS been available when it suited him, yes?<P>Maybe I'm totally off base. I'm just worried about you. Maybe it was his confiding to you that the "sh*t hit the fan." It just feels so....what--doubly disrespectful? <P>To coincide with that, you might be able to time a thank you card delivery, thanking him for coming to d's performance, how much it meant to both of you, to be received soon after your scheduling conflict.<P>The ball is in his court, obviously due to circumstances, but it might help if he has even the teeniest glimpse of what he might lose forever if this situation continues. And not when HE was in control of the losing.<P>Yes, I would indeed be a bad candidate for a perfect Plan A. <P>Laura

Hi, guys. I am SOOOOOO stupid! It woke me up this morning! Like someone threw water on me. He said instead of coming today, he would like to come one night this week, would that be ok? Sure. He said I was thinking Tuesday might be a good night, OK? Sure. Said it twice, sure Tuesday is ok?<P>TUESDAY IS OUR ANNIVERSARY!<P>Way to get the ole brain cells hopping, Lori!<BR>I must have an electrical short up there. He joked w/ me 3 times at the festival about the date (he used to always be off by one day!) so he KNOWS what day it is. OK, can't get my hopes up.<P>No Trust - OK, Plan A it STILL is! Mom says she acts like the type that could be a perfect ***** if things don't exactly go her way. I guess I'll try not to do anymore lbing. Yeah, one good one last night. When I was talking about his bringing her to this town and going everywhere with her, including here, and how much it hurt me, he said, well, I have to see my doctor and dentist and stuff. My sorry self went "Why does she have to be with you? I didn't go w/ you to the dr and the dentist, are you guys joined at the hip or something?" Yeah, it was bad. I did redeem myself before the night was over and he did apologize. He never finished the questionaire. We started them, even sat down on Sunday and drew up a schedule to spend min 15 hours per week together - he picked the times and the activities. Ah, but, Monday came, work came, Sweetie came and he left 4 days later. I sure hope you're right. Let 'er love bust!!<P>Sheba - I don't have a video camera. But, yeah, there were connections. We were soooo proud. These kids sounded professional. He smiled a lot and I just kept looking up at him - eyes shining and all - not on purpose, it was just the thing I would've done before. 'Cept during the love songs "Unchained melody, Memories, Somewhere out there, Love Story, a lot of movie theme songs. He'd stop smiling and step a step away from me. BUT, he came back. And d LOVES to perform. She's never sung in public (well, not since she was 7), but she's been dancing for 13 years and used to recitals full of hundreds of people. She hams it up good - smiles constantly, facial expressions. Had people coming over like crazy to say something. We were walking around later and the people behind us were talking "Hey, did you hear those kids? The Cavalier somethings? Those guys were winners - man they were good! I thought we were gonna burst! He just grinned and turned around and looked at the people, smiling.<P>Lucks - I'm sorry you're down today. What's up? I'll look around and see if I can find a post. Oh, Sweeties 22. Looks 15. Oh, I forgot another lb. When I told him someone had told me they saw them, I said they asked if he was with his neice. He laughed, said she didn't look 15. You should have told them yes.<P>I know what you mean. It's all crossed my mind too. And only once have I not been here (went to dinner w/ bil and we remember what a reaction THAT got). We talked once on the phone about being honest. Maybe that's what he's sorta kinda trying to do? I'm handling the comments about her great though. I just don't say anything. I don't take the opportunity to trash her (snapping the rubber band on my wrist!LOL), I don't usually say anything. She's spent a lot of time trashing me. I GOT to say ok Tuesday, though, my anniversary. I don't have it in me not to. You've got REALLY good points. <P>Here's my sorta plan for now. He left and went 3 weeks w/ no contact. I didn't have much time to show how wonderful I was (build that love bank, ya know?) before he left. Then he came by. Stayed a long time, had fun. Cha-ching! Went 2 weeks. Came by stayed longer. 1 week. Came by twice, called 3 times. During this time he's promised more visits and not shown. Never called. Tonight, he called, from her house to tell me not to expect him and make plans for Tuesday. A little more consideration anyway. Started to argue about her being in our town with her, stopped and looked at me and then just went "I am so sorry, Lori. I didn't think. It WAS inconsiderate - and common."<BR>Whoa! Made my legs shake. Asked if it was ok if he came by and did some hunting. (We have lots of property and lots of deer.) I said sure - told Tony he could, too. "Well, you ought to make us do something for it, like help you around here. If we can spare the time to hunt, we can sure spare some time helping you get some of these things done." Now, I won't be in the woods w/ him (Yuk - hate hunting), but he'll stop by to say Hi, just feel it. And maybe help out more to "repay" me. Contact. Which could very well mean a lot more, at least quick visits. And dinner could be on the table....(I know, manipulating, but he did say he would love to have breakfast today and Sweetie can't cook!!! I'm a great cook and he's already told me he misses that.)<P>I figure, she got to him because of lots of contact while I was unavailable (emotionally) because of grief. He may never come back, but he's gonna WISH he had. Keep being nice, keep letting him talk w/out trashing her, keep making him welcome, letting him help w/ this huge yard (he loves working in it and he likes "fixing" things for people). Tear that love bank UP!! Let her keep b****ing. Hopefully withdrawals. If I really do have plans (yeah, right!), I'll tell him, but if not, I think I'll be available and wonderful for a while longer. Hey, that's what she did to get him, right? And once he thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread (ok, I'm sleep drunk here), then I maybe do a little more rescheduling. <P>Man, this sounds too much like a lot of the fishing we used to do!<P>So, whaddya think? I need the leverage first I think - if I can keep this up w/out losing it completely (It IS exhausting sometimes, but most of the time, it's a challenge and I've always loved testing myself.)<P>Gotta go - talk to you guys later.

Lostva,<BR>Hey you, I know you are going through some tough stuff of your own but I just wanted to thank you for your input on my threads. You along with many others are absolutely great. I'm sorry I don't have anything to give right now other than my heartfelt thanks.<P>You are in my thoughts and I hope for the best for you.<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

Lori--<P>Kill 'im with kindness, eh? Hang in there. Your indomitable strength is amazing. <P>Laura

Lostva...<P>It sounds like your Plan A is working and moving towards the right direction. I love that "Sweetie" is Lovebusting. I hope that she lovebusts so much that your H will realize what a loser she really is!

Lucks - strong talk only. My insides are mush!!! Why do you think I'm on here whining to you guys every few days. And you should REALLY pity the people who gave me their e-mail addresses!!!<P>No Trust - I sure hope it's working. My emotions are sure pretty raw. And I figure, she's probably trying to NOT lb too much now, but, in time, she will. And I can't imagine my H being tied down like that. I mean, he was always a home person, but that was because HE chose it - don't TELL him he has to, ya know? He already told his mom that she would never have or be anything and that, if he stayed with her, he wouldn't either, none of his dreams would come true, so at least he's beyond the "all she needs is a break, she really doesn't deserve what everyone says about her." Keep your fingers crossed.<P>Lori

Lostva...I'm crossing my fingers!