I originally posted this in the Emotional Needs forum, but I think now that it would be better here:



I've been married for 3 years to a good woman whom I adore. She has weaknesses. I found out about a month ago that she is in an Emotional Affair with a married guy she works with, by seeing text messages from him on her phone of how he's thinking about her, wants to be with her, etc.

The basic story is that she works with him every day and his romantic advances have created strong feelings in her for him. They been flirting via text messages, looks, etc. I've been reading all I can from "His Needs, Her Needs" and from these discussion boards, but I can't find any advice on what to do to prevent this EA from becoming a PA from which I am sure I will not recover the marriage (I wouldn't want to).

Some important points:
1. Her job requires physical intimacy with this man: she's an actor in a movie and they are lovers in the movie (no nude scenes).
2. She finishes the shoot at the start of July (about 4 more weeks) but cannot leave before that.
3. She has an addictive personality. Smokes cigarettes and weed, and drinks about 4 drinks every day.
4. Our schedules mean that we only get about an hour a day, at night, where we see each other.
5. Sometimes the actors she works with go to the bar after work. He's always there.

I'm going to a counsellor to seek help in how to handle this, as it's very hard to pretend I'm Ok and super loving while I'm really depressed and scared and angry at her.

She is seeing a different therapist, as our schedules make it very hard to go together.

In the last two days we have started discussing the situation openly. Basically I learned to stop Disrespectful Judgements and Angry Outbursts and got her to open up to me by being especially loving to her over the last week. She says that there is very strong 'chemistry' between them and that she's trying to keep her distance.

She says how she knows it's wrong, and how she loves me and knows I love her, yet the idea of giving in to her desires still intrigues her. She even says that the thrill feels like a drug. She also says that she has discussed with this other man how they both have feelings for each other, and that they shouldn't do anything because they are married. He however told her that he wants to have an affair with her. This man keeps hitting on her in romantic ways she finds hard to resist. She seeks his company because she's so drawn to him.

I want her to have no contact with this man but she cannot leave the job early as it would ruin her career for life, so I haven't asked her to. I know that where she is right now in her mindset would mean she would choose the career over the marriage.

I feel like confronting her again with but I think that would only make the PA happen immediately, it would be so destructive. But what can I do? Must I somehow pretend everything is fine and that I don't know it's more severe than she led me to believe, and be superloving and yet risk that it just happens while I watch and wait? How can I even do that when I feel so insecure and scared?

Should I be more pro-active and choose a more decisive course? I have this man's number. Should I call him and ask to speak to him, and ask him to leave my wife alone? Would that help warn him off or would it just escalate the situation?

I feel like I'm sitting on the railroad tracks watching the light in the distance grow bigger as the train comes to crush me, and I'm not sure how to get off the tracks. Or more to the point, how to get her off that mental track.

Can anyone help me please? I feel like falling apart.

If you would rather ruin the marriage than her career, I see a problem.

But you can call his wife and let her know what is going on. That may slow things down.

Expose the EA to her boss and the OM wife. They are to far into this to stop if they are not exposed.

I don't have this man's wife's number. I only have his cell phone number.

Telling the 'boss' isn't applicable. The only boss is the producer and he won't care, he only cares about his movie. Actors have affairs all the time.

I can call him, or I can walk down to the set and confront him in person, but that might lead to unwellcome scenes.

Well, she knows it is chemical and it will fade, I assume.

Like the man says, actors have affairs all the time, it is part of the industry for any number of reasons. That is cold comfort.

Is it possible for you to "Visit" the set? Some males will back off if they actually see the husband. Perhaps you have a mutual friend who can carry the message that if he keeps it up, he is in for a serious time of it.

If you know his name, you can find him through peoplefinder or similar service.

I have one friendly suggestion; tell your wife that you understand the emotions that go on with actors. And that those emotions lead to more heartbreak for the actors and their loved ones than is really necessary AND careers are often side tracked because actors don't learn to leave their emotions at work. If you can do some research to validate that opinion and tell her, she might just decide that the guy is more trouble than he is worth.

Larry

Hi IBIL,

Not good if your wife won't quit her job, because as long as she has contact with him it will feed and fuel their fantasy.

First step, as many have advised, is exposure. They include:

1. OMW
2. OM's FOO
3. Your WW's family (mom, dad, syblings)
4. Church pastor or life coach, etc.
5. Your immediate family
6. Close friends
7. Neighbors

You do this exposure sync'd up so the impact is great. You only really get one good stab at it, so make it impactful.

Question. Does your wife know how you feel about if this become physical between her and the OM that its a deal breaker for you? I"m not saying you should tell her, I'm just asking if she knows.

Jo

Thanks for the advice. I am being understanding with her about how characters bleed into real life to some extent, but she isn't being fully open with me either.

I think what she is doing is hoping it will fade into a good friendship, but is struggling with herself. I can't see I could handle them having a friendship; I'm hoping to work on us and then when the movie is finished asking her to break all contact with him. Unfortunately she has scheduled a vacation with her girlfriend immediately after the movie. I do trust that it's genuinely a girl's vacation, and that he won't be around.

What if I call this guy and tell him that I am going to tell his wife, and I'm giving him a chance to tell her first? They have 3 kids so I'm thinking maybe that looming deadline will dampen his adour? Of course I'd tell my wife what I'm doing when I'd do it.

I don't know if I'd actually be able to get in contact with her, but he wouldn't necessarily know that.

Nope, no threats. Just do it. They will just become sneakier about contact once you only threaten. And do not tell your wife you're doing it, she WILL tell him and then he'll try to perform damage control with his wife by telling her you're some crazy person who has it out for him using some lie as the reason.

Jo

Resilient, I'm hesitant to extend the circle out from the man's wife to our extended families, because I genuinely do believe that my wife is fighting her instincts, and I want to trust her. I do know that she loves me deeply. Just last night, after our more open conversation, we made very intimate and passionate love.

I'd hope that if this man is distracted by his own wife's turmoil that it'd be enough to disrupt the course of events, whereas if I involved our extended families now it might seem like I'm not trusting her at all. As my moniker says, I believe in love and I think she can win this battle, I just want to ease the pressure on her.

Am I being naive?

Certainly if a PA were to happen I'd let everyone know, but it seems premature now.

I think she knows how badly it would effect me if she were to have a PA. I've told her of how deeply hurt I was when I was cheated on by my ex, and how that would be my hardest thing to recover from, and I've often told her of the fact that I really value that she waited for me before having intercourse. I wish I had waited for her.

My wife has a deep belief in God and knows right from wrong, but she's just weak.

I really appreciate these speedy responses. I've so much needed to talk about this.

My next counselling session is tomorrow evening.

Hmmmm. Well, if you believe her every word, then ok. I do believe that I would have a discussion with her along the lines of "I wonder what would happen with his wife and kids if they knew he was hitting on you?"

"Doesn't he have any ethics or honor as a man?"

"Have you tried to witness to him about Christianity?"

"Does he try to take advantage of all the actresses he works with?"

Seeds of doubt <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Larry

Do NOT THREATEN exposure! That is like giving ammunition to the eneny when you're in a gun battle with them!

Just find out how to get in touch with his wife and TELL her!

She has a right to know what her husband is doing.

It's also the most likely way to get him to leave your wife alone, because his wife will probably start watching him like a hawk!

As for your wife's extended family knowing...if she's weak , then she needs support in doing the right thing. When you expose to the family, you emphasize that you and she need their support for your marriage.

Obviously his ethics aren't too high at the moment. I don't trust him at all, yet I haven't had a chance to speak with him.

I'll ask her about the witnessing part. That's a good idea.

She said she asked him if he's had affairs before with his co-stars and he denied it.

I doubt I can get the other wife's contact except through my wife, so I think I'd need her on board to do that. I hate the thought of going behind her back anyway; I don't want to compromise my own attitude towards my wife any more than I already have.

I'm coming to the realization that spreading the honesty around a bit might be the way to fight this situation, but I need my wife on board with me when I do that, I think.

You're underestimating the power of an EA. MB believes an affair (both PA/EA) is tantamount to an addiction (crack if you will). And after years of reading here, I know it to be true.

This situation is an extraordinarily damaging threat to your marriage, which requires extraordinary measures.

You want your wife's permission to expose her crack dealer and take her supply of crack????

Yeah - sure - I bet that will work.

Lady, isn't there a way that I can tell his wife with my wife's support? Do you think I can't even broach the subject with her? I do believe that I shouldn't take control without trying to have her come with me first.

But what would I know.

My wife's affair ended within days of exposure.

Go to Zabasearch. Put in the OM's name and state. Then, do a search for a woman at the same address to find his wife. Heck, you could probably find his wife's name by googling.

You do NOT need your wife on board to do all this. You need to get your ducks in a row without her knowledge if you are going to fight this affair.

If she gets mad, just tell her, "I am doing what I need to do in order to save our marriage."

BigKahuna, I appreciate the bluntness. Was it a PA or EA?

Maybe I am underestimating the EA. I just want to hope that my wife can pull through this temptation without me severely damaging us further by going behind her back at her weakest moments.

Shouldn't I try to have us fight this as a team? I think the fact that she started opening up just yesterday means she's coming through it somewhat. If I turn adversarial now won't I alienate her and prevent us being able to stay close?

A lot of what I have read on here and in "His Needs, Her Needs" says that the first step to fight an affair is to avoid damaging anything further, and to only put in positive energy. I'm confused. Plan A, right?

Sorry if I'm sounding dumb about this. I'm actually quite an inteligent man usually. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

The fact that your wife TOLD you about the situation presents a slightly different slant than normal, IMHO. So this opens up the opportunity for discussion of various things such as lending your strength to help her, etc. Actors have egos beyond imagination. It goes with the territory.

Since she is coming to you with the problem, then she is not only aware of the issues but is also inviting you to be of assistance. I do believe that she is as Christian as she says she is and acknowleges that she is weak, so as a Christian, she is including you in her support mechanism to help her fight that which she knows she should fight.

Thus you can get away with all sorts of moves since you are just "Helping" her, right? I think I would start out with what she already knows; infatuations are heII and don't last very long but while they are active, the consequences of where a person can be driven and what they can do during an infatuation are just awful and hurtful for everyone especially the one who is infatuated.

Then go from there with the seeds. Anybody else think of a few?

Seeds of doubt.

Larry