She will not pull out of anything while she is in contact.

It was mainly an EA but got physical. Do you think that makes a difference?

"Shouldn't I try to have us fight this as a team?"

Have you ever teamed up with a crack addict? Your case might be a first here, but I doubt it. Usually the affairees will sell their own mother and kids to continue the affair.

You set the bar and said yourself, if it goes physical its over. Your wife is on that path, she can't trust herself else she'd never have allowed herself to get THIS far.

Thanks again for the responses guys and girls. I'm getting a few mixed opinions here.

I am very tempted to track down this guy's wife and talk to her. Has anyone used that tactic successfully to prevent and EA becoming a PA?

Given that my wife and this man have to be around each other for a few more weeks, the risk is that making the ****** hit the fan now might encourage an attitude of "what the ******, we might as well do it since we're getting the grief anyway?".

I dunno which decision to make. I need to talk to her more tonight and see if she opens up further. If she doesn't I might have to go it alone. I hate this angst.

Larry, I'll try that, assuming I can get her to talk to me tonight. She just called to say she's having a drink "with the girls".

Sorry, didn't mean to invoke the censoring filter. I considered the words innocuous.

Did you check to make sure that's where she really is?

I know you want to trust her. But as I mentioned, she doesn't trust herself and you know that. Have you read the MB book SAA?

And no worries about the cursing and swearing. We all succumb.

Go to bed and get some sleep. Then tomorrow, talk to the other man's wife. That is a very successful way to end an affair. We have seen it work here countless times. Don't tell your wife that you are going to do it, or they will do damage control and warn the wife that there is a crazy man that wants to contact her.

I agree with believer. Do any less and you will regret it.

What is the MB SAA? I should read that before bed.

I appreciate all the advice. Thank you all.

SAA="Surviving an Affair" You could read the Infidelity FAQ's if you haven't already

(SAA is a book by Harley)

Thanks, I'll read it.

Nope, there's no way you can tell his wife with your wife's support. Your wife will tell the OM what you're planning to do, and he will tell his wife that you're some crazed, jealous husband who is all upset over their love scenes.

You MUST take control, because your wife is OUT of control!

Having a drink with the girls is a red flag. Call her and tell her that you are coming down to have one with her since you miss her so much. I have been leaning toward giving her the benefit of the doubt. The having a drink with the girls is causing me to lean the other way.

Larry

Larry - exactly where is the benefit of the doubt here? Where is the doubt? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

She and OM have confessed feelings for each other.

There is no doubt here except for the doubt you have placed in IBIL's mind.

My wifes affair was a nastily entangled one even by MB standards.

Exposure knifed it through the heart. OMs only contact with her after I exposed with proof was to dump her like a maggoty bun.

Affairs breed in the dark. Light will test the bindings of their affair, like Mom switching on the bedroom light tests how serious those 10 year old are about playing "doctors and nurses".

Expose. To OMS W. Now.

We're not saying she won't be mad, but she will forgive you the exposure to OMW.

But as you have told us, you won't forgive her (deal breaker) if it escalates to a PA.

The longer you wait the more likely this will go PA. Tick Tock.

IBIL,

I'm sorry to be blunt with you, but you are doing exactly ALL THE WRONG THINGS to improve your situation. Your trust in your WW is misguided. First of all, do not feel bad for snooping. Your wife has told you she is having an affair with another man. It is your right to protect your marriage. You need to do some snooping to prevent it from going further. Trust me, it will go further if you do not intervene. Your wife has admitted it is like an addiction. It is like trusting someone who is addicted to a gateway drug, not to try cocaine or heroine. Addicts are untrustworthy. And besides, even if they never sleep together, this is hurting your marriage. You need to man up and stand up for your marriage. This includes copying your wife's diary, tracking down OMW, and exposing this evidence to her. I would also expose this evidence to your W's family, so they can pressure her as well.

On another front you need to work on meeting your wife's ENs. Part of the problem is that you need to arrange your schedules so that you see more of each other. Otherwise, your marriage will not be protected, and this affair might not kill you, but the next one might finish your marriage off. It will happen if you don't address this problem, and it obviously is a problem. What are you going to do about it?

If I get out of this mess I'm going to change my schedule to more closely match hers.

I intend to try to contact OM's wife. I think I've found their home number, but I'm not sure. I'll find out when I call it.

My wife will be very disappointed that I didn't trust her enough to handle this, and I dare say she'll feel like I'm trying to control her.

I have a counselling session tonight and I'll do it after that, after hearing what my counsellor has to say about it.

Thanks for replying, everyone. I appreciate the input. Wish me luck. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />