Most counselors are idiots. In fact they have a higher affair and divorce rate than the general public. Dr. Harley is a marriage and infidelity who has a better track record than anyone else in the business. Just be careful who you listen to. How can you trust your wife? She is having an affair. Just because you haven't slept with the other person (or claim that you have), doesn't mean that it's okay to have an affair. What you are doing is not controlling, it is tough love. It is the same thing you would do if you made your wife go to rehab for some other addiction you couldn't "trust" her to get through by herself. If she doesn't like it, she can leave, but trust me, it's a he11 of a lot better than staying while screwing another man. It amazes me how so many men are so afraid of their wives (I guess I can't complain, I was one of them just 9 months ago). Only when I started getting tough and stopped trusting my wife, did things begin to change.

Find a counselor who is "PRO-Marriage", preferrably one that knows and advocates the MB principles. And avoid ones who are the "Do What Feels Good" type.

Good luck to you with exposure to OMW. Bring hard evidence with you in case she doubts you, which she may.

Be strong.

Jo

So she has a vacation planned with a "girlfriend" when the movie is complete and you trust that OM won't be in the picture? She stayed out to have a drink with the "girls" and you trust this too? This is such a standard cover-up for getting together with an other person. Why in the world would you trust all this?

It almost sounds like she is weaving your semi-knowledge of the situation into her affair-fog. It gives her an excuse to continue her involvement with him.

My FWH did something similar in his EA by dropping her name a couple of times in conversation. It was his way of telling himself that since I knew of the OP, he was doing nothing wrong. He realizes now how disrespectful this was to me and out relationship and is very embarassed by his behavior. But at the time, it all made perfect "sense" to him.

In other words, I am saying, don't look at it as progress that she is telling you half truths about her relationship with this guy. I'm certain that she would not want you to be a fly on the wall when they are talking to each other.
Lake

Are you ready to feel that pain again? Listen to these people, they have all been through the pain of EA/PA. This isn't something you can wish away.

How'd the exposure to OMW go, IBiL?

Jo

IBiL

Well, the drink with the girls and the vacation with same are all very convenient. It would appear that things are likely to be heavier than you were led to believe initially.

Looks like it might just be time to drop the hammer.

Larry

Say IBiL,

Much like most newbies you may be inclined to tell or bring your WW here to MB. Please DO NOT do it.

As long as a spouse's affair (EA or PA) is active, they will not be receptive to the concepts. And even if they act as though they are, you need to keep this place a safe place for yourself UNTIL you and she are in true RECOVERY.

Jo

IBiL,

Can you please offer an update?

Jo

Bumpster for IBiL. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I'm sorry I haven't updated this thread since last week; it's been eventful.

Long story short: I didn't tell the OMW. I know a lot of you who have been hurt by your ex's will be mad at me for that, but hear me out.

I had my counseling session, then met with a friend of mine who lives near the counselor's office. Had quite a few beers, talked to him about the situation, told him what I was thinking. He gave me spare keys to his place and told me that if I needed to get out of my house he'd put me up for as long as I wanted. Then I walked the 3 miles home; good thinking time. I realised that calling the OMW when I'd been drinking would not help to get a clear message across, to say the least, so I put that off until later.

Wife got home late and I had sunk myself into a silent fury by that time, dwelling on how unfair all this was on me. I had a bag packed in the back of the car. She tried to talk to me and I told her that I was just now realizing the extent of her selfishness, and that I had had enough of her not being open with me and of her hanging around with this guy after work. We had a furious row in which I was angry, disrespectful, and very judgmental. We got to bed very late, and very angry at each other. Still slept in the same bed though.

I took the next day off work; her schedule was open until the evening. We had a calm talk about what was said the previous night and she opened up to me, at last. I think she was shocked at how I'd behaved, because she hadn't seen me like that ever before. She told me that she was having trouble dealing with her attraction for this guy, and that she is continually attracted to guys she works with despite the fact that she loves me. Apparently this kind of thing happens during most shoots, but she always has been able to divert the energy into a platonic friendship. She said that nothing physical had happened with him. She also said that she is not physically attracted to me and *never has been* in our relationship. She said it was my personality that attracted her to me. She said that even before we got married she went to a counselor because she was worried that the lack of physical attraction on her part would be a problem, but that she had decided that she loved me enough to put up with that, so she married me.

I had decided at this point that I might as well start into Plan A; being the best guy I could be and avoiding the lovebusters I'd wallowed in the previous night. She invited me to come along that night to the get-together/sing-song the cast had planned that night, to help normalize the situation. So I came along. The OM and OMW were there too. I walked up to the guy and said 'Hi" and shook his hand. I chatted with his wife; small talk. She's a lovely person. The guy played guitar (really well) and we all sang. At the end of the night I took the guy aside, in private, and asked him if we could cut out the [censored], meaning the flirting with my wife. He said he wanted to.

The next night my wife came home early. She said she'd had a chat with the OM and told him there was to be no more flirting. The following day she invited me to the set; I came along and we had dinner together. I watched one of their love scenes being filmed. That was tough. I reminded myself about Plan A and stayed 'up' and loving.

Sunday was our third wedding anniversary. I took her to a beautiful restaurant and we had an awesome meal. She told me how much she loved me. She told me how romantic the anniversary dinner was. She told me that she didn't feel like she had enough romance in our relationship, and that one of the things that attracted her most to this guy was how romantic he was. I said I'd try harder.

Since then she has been feeling 'down', but has been expressing a lot more love for me. She still can't open up to me fully, and I'm not pushing her to. I've just let her know that I love her, and I want us to fix all our problems, and that I'm there for her to talk to whenever she wants me. I've been doing little romantic things for her, and she has been very appreciative. She's been leaving me daily love notes, etc.

I know I'm not out of the woods yet, and until the shoot finishes in early July I'll be terribly nervous, but I've also realized that I can't hold on to anything that doesn't want to be held. I just have to trust her.

She says that things now between her and this guy are just awkward, as they are avoiding each other when they're not in a scene together. She told me of how he'd texted her again to ask if he'd caught her secretly looking at him, and of how she didn't reply to it. She seems genuinely committed to working this out, and even though her feelings are all mixed up, she seems to be taking control and has started to resent the fact that this guy hasn't been more helpful in letting the flirting go. She sent me a text saying that I was too good to be true and how she was lucky to have me.

So I've decided to trust her and try to get through the rest of the shoot by keeping open communications with her and trying to support her, rather than emotionally withdrawing from her and being jealous all the time. When the shoot is over I'll ask her to break all communications with him, and then I'll deal with that situation as it happens. She's already told me that if this guy doesn't show to be a friend rather than just a seducer that she wouldn't want to be in contact with him afterwards. I hope that turns out to be the case.

We obviously have deeper issues in our marriage, such as her lack of physical attraction to me, her need to be validated by other men's attention, etc. I hope that we can get through this crisis and then work together on those issues, as a couple. If we ultimately can't work them out, then maybe we'll part, but hopefully getting that breathing space and working on our emotional needs will help restore her attraction for me. If not I'm sure I'll decided at some point that I deserve better.

If she has a full blown affair with him you can all say "I told you so" and I'll accept that fact and walk away. I'm not going to escalate the situation further unless that happens. I do believe that a PA has not happened yet, and I do believe that she doesn't want it to and is working against those feelings. I'll let you know how this turns out.

Thank you again for all the advice.

One other thing; instead of the trip to Hawaii with her girlfriend, she's going to hang around with me for a few weeks to work on our relationship and then her girlfriend will join us both on a vacation in Mexico.

Eeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkk!!! (That's the sound of believer screaming.)

Them working together, and her telling you she is not physically attracted to you is CRAZY. I don't believe for a minute that she married you while not being sexually attracted to you. She is rewriting the history of the marriage because she is having an AFFAIR.

You are taking a terrible chance by allowing them to "work" together. Not telling the other man's wife is a huge mistake.