I spent hours on the phone last night with my BF from childhood that lives in another state. I took a BIG step and told her some of the things that had been going on, including the most recent indiscretion. She was so awesome, not being judgmental about my WH, but focusing on me and what I need to do for myself. We talked alot about our teenage years and the issues that both of us had with our fathers and our insecurities growing up.

Long story short, I feel that I made a shift last night realizing that I am creating alot of what is going on here because I have not given him boundaries and he has not had to suffer for his indiscretions past dealing with my emotional outbursts. So I vowed to myself last night that I was going to start "defining" who I am. I've been someone's wife and someone's mother for alot of years.

So, I went to the book store after work (something I like to do). It was a church bookstore and when I walked in the door, I went to a table that had this small wallet card that reads: Family Man's Creed

In reads "with God's help, I will do my best to...(each statement below has details of what doing this looks like)
1. Praise and Honor God Daily
2. Honor and Respect My Wife
3. Spiritually Protect My Family
4. Emotionally Protect My Family
5. Physically Protecy My Family
6. Be Faithful to My Family
7. Ask the Lord Daily for Wisdom
8. Allow no other Activities to Distract Me

So....this is the man that I deserve to have, but more importantly, I'm going to carry this in my own wallet because I want to be the wife that this type of man would want to be with. So by doing that, I will begin to take care of myself and either my WH will "step up" or I will feel good enough about myself that it won't matter.

Great first step, OUC......glad you were able to open up to a friend.

Define "shift" in specific terms. What action words come to mind in addition to the ones you've mentioned?



This is a super start and it would be good to seek IC to have someone guide you with specific steps and benchmarks to make these changes.

Way to go! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ace

The "shift" felt like I was gaining some peace in answer to my prayers and that my feeling of fear and devestation was disappearing. I really only focused on myself that entire day and even through today as well. I am giving myself permission to begin to create the path to find health and well being for myself. That's a shift for me. I've been so focused on him for the last 5 years that I have lost myself.

I opened up to another friend yesterday at lunch. She is a newer friend, but on a recent trip to a Women's overnight Seminar, we shared some of our hearts with one another and have subsequently spent many lunches together and done some after work events. So...again, long story short, I am beginning to take away the "secretiveness" that I have been creating in this marriage by keeping all of his secrets and allowing that to be ok. I shared in a way that was not offensive to either of us, more matter of fact and really to just state that I am in a place in my life right now where I'm defining what really matters to me and where I'm going to be for the next 10 years.

Interestingly, not saying a word to WH, he began to write me a letter that same night I went to the bookstore. And he mentioned to me that night when he came to bed that he was having some realizations about how he has treated me. His letter began to be about "his" core issues and ended up being about taking ownership of how he has treated me and taken advantage of me by seeing me as weak, etc.

So tonight he finished the conversation about it and for about 30 minutes, he talked about how he had not had both feet in the marriage from the beginning because of his first marriage and a subsequent engagement where he had been betrayed. Talked about how I was more than he could have ever wanted and he figured I would get sick of him soon or see right through him so he kept one foot out so he had something to fall back on for the first few years. Told me that he was ashamed at his behavior and that none of it was my fault. It was a different conversation than we have ever had. I remained emotionless in a sense, I did not feel like I needed to protect him from hurting or needed to take on his pain. And in the end of the conversation, I still stated that I'm in the process of redefining me and I'm not sure that I really know him. And perhaps it is the part of him that remained "outside" the marriage that I don't know and probably never want to know.

He asked me not to give up on him. I still feel strongly about my focus being on me. I was grateful that for once he was honest in his communication, but I do see it as a baby step. I got really excited when he changed his number, but right now I'm feeling peace and calm and not false hope.

Hope that makes sense.

Makes sense to me. I developed the same "gotta take care of me regardless what you do" mindset on D-Day #4.

I honestly decided I could and would go it alone. He saw I meant business and decided to let go of the fog cold turkey....well at least the change seemed like cold turkey.

It's still a rollercoaster, but at least you have some semblence of a beginnng....and it's great that he's reponding. Good for you, OUC......and I believe YOU CAN...good name choice by the way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Read and vent here to get your strength up for the dips in the rollercoaster ride.

Keep it up. We're pulling for you.

Ace