Can we say "gaslighting?"

As your last post about her crying over your husband's transfer showed, proof positive that this is gaslighting in an attempt to control your husband and get him to remain in contact with her by "guilting" him into staying "friends."



More GAS. She's trying out for the nighttime crepitation contest.




Don't bet on it. She's looking for "security" that she doesn't have in her own marriage.





Yep, and the whole world is against her too.




And the whole world, or at least your husband, NEEDS her irreplaceable help. More gaslighting. Maybe we could tap into her and add to the national natural gas energy supply. I happen to have just the right pipe and know just where where to drill for maximum collection of natural gas. Just remember, no matches and no lighters anywhere near the source!


jlashley, this should bury any feelings your husband may have had toward this woman. He's getting a look "beneath" the surface of this person's mind, and it's dark and self-centered down there. Perhaps a "plaything" if he is into using people, but not much in the way of a "keeper."

God bless.

FH- Thanks for the reassurance...and the laugh! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> After he heard that from the other co-worker about her crying...he completely gets it now- not that he didn't before, he just REALLY gets it now. He's now awaiting to be stalked...we really hope that doesn't happen, but who knows what her next move will be...and we are confident there will be one.

Have a great day!

My FWH's NC email to OW was not taken very well, either (are they ever?). And I've just realised from reading the previous post that her sob stories in numerous subsequent emails were obvious gaslighting. I assumed she was after some sympathy or regret from FWH that the A had to end. She didn't get it - I made sure of that.

I have listed the email exchanges on my blog (a few more to go yet), if you'd like a bit of amusement. They were really getting to me at one point. I think they've stopped now (none since March), but looking at them as I'm blogging them, they just look so pathetic.

jashley;

Thank god you found the emails when you did.
There is no doubt this woman had designs on your husband.

From what you told us about OW's marriage, it is clear her needs are not being met by her husband. So she had no problem using YOUR husband to fill that role.

And its clear from her email response, that she dislikes having it taken away. There are a LOT of subtle (and not so subtle) manipulations in her communication.

And I truly don't think you have heard the last from her.
Its VERY important that you and your husband remain a united front against her. She will try to come between you to re-establish private contact with your husband.

Keep working on your marriage. And stay vigilant against this threat to your family!

He might want to watch his back at work too. Never know what OW may tell a boss or two to get him in trouble.

Add me to the list of "she will try to contact your H agian." They all do

How did his meeting with his supervisor go yesterday?

He just wanted to give him a heads up that it was going on. There is a meeting tomorrow that is mandatory for both of them but he doesn't think she'll show up. The supervisor was thankful that he had let him know what was going on and I have heard nothing more today but will post when something else happens. Thank you for asking...

Yes, that is why the other co-worker who gave him the info the other day about OW crying is a blessing to us because she is completely out of the situation, knew nothing of what was going on but knew that the reaction that OW had was quite strange knowing WH was married. I am thankful for her!

Right...we agreed that it was literally to her, like WH was breaking up with her because the dynamics of the R had changed.

I will gladly check out your email exchanges...we can always use some amusement around here! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Yes, truly a help from God that I saw those emails. We are very agreed that OW needs to go and our R is doing very well right now. We truly are on the same page I think. I really think the info about the crying really woke him up to finally be where I am in how I really feel about what she is doing. I am SOOOO thankful that I have all of my MB friends to help me see the manipulations by her even when I can't see them myself even though I may be looking right at them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WOW!! The news just keeps pouring in...now I know that some of you veteran MB'ers will be completely shocked by what I am about to say...I can see the jaws dropping- (that's sarcasm <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

WH called the co-worker who has been most helpful in our situation without even realizing it. She has worked with OW for quite a while and get this... WH isn't the first one! OW has done this before. From her (co-worker) experience with OW, she said retaliation hasn't been her style in the past. The way OW was with WH is exactly how she acted with the OM that she "fell" for. Apparently, OWH is a loser who does nothing and she supports him, just bought him a new set of wheels and pays the mortgage on their house. So...some of the office people have told OW to quit her whining about how miserable her M is unless she is willing to lose the loser...my WH just happened to be needy at the same time she did and VOILA!!

Okay...gotta make din-din...just thought I'd share!

The OWH really needs to be told. Maybe that will save some other woman from showing up here complaing about the same ow.

Well, it is debatable who the REAL LOSER is here. It is classic behavior for waywards to DEMONIZE their spouses and manufacture grievances in order to justify the affair. WS are notorious liars.

I second MF, the OWH needs to be told. Maybe she wouldn't be free to pursue other studs in the workplace if someone would bust her.

I wouldn't believe a word a proven liar (OW) says about her BH. You can take that to the bank.

Yeah, I get it about the OW. I understand everything you guys are saying and will print the posts and show to WH. Thanks guys! You have really helped me more than you'll ever know!

I warn you to be concerned about the ADDICTIVE POWER of the OW.

Our posts won't much matter to him I would think.

What matters is that you become clear to him that this is what YOU want and expect him to do.

I encourage you NOT to be ACCEPTING of this situation.

This is a WAR to SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE.

[quote]WH to OW : "Hello, wanted to say congrats on your award. I also need to let you know that there have been some conversations between us that have been inappropriate. I will no longer be able to have personal conversations with you. However if it is work related that will be fine just send me an email. I am sorry it has to be like this, but this is the only way that my wife and I can get our marriage back on track to where it needs to be. I love my wife and my family and this is what I have to do.

Thanks, WH"(/quote)


"I will no longer be able to have personal conversations with you...."---No longer be able???? How about 'I have decided to stop these inappropriate communications'

"I am sorry it has to be like this"---What??? Is he sorry to no longer be able to have disrespectful communications??? What is he sorry about?

"I love my wife and family and this is what I have to do"--You have to pay your taxes, you have to go to the dentist, you have to change a flat tire. You want to make your marriage right or you realize it is disrespectful to your wife and marriage and you have decided to stop the disrespect.

Again, don't mean to put your H down as he seems to be working hard at learning a lot about himself and his M.

"This is the only way my wife and I can get our marriage back on track to where it needs to be.."---Too much information for the OW to know about your marriage and your wife.

I know, I know, many will say that this is petty look back thinking and we all need to move ahead, move forward. But I do think that these no contact letters that are drafted by fog laden wayward or almost formerly wayward spouses indicate something about them and their boundaries and the reasons they got into the A in the first place.
Lake

Lake,

Thank you for your input on his NC letter. I'll print it out and share it with him this evening when we talk. I am not upset by your findings. Most of that I never would have looked at twice and so I am glad that another set of eyes saw as much as you did.

If anyone else has any input on the letter, please feel free to chime in...


Thanks again Lake...J

I think my FWH would have worded his emails to OW in this manner, had I not vetted them prior to him sending them. I pointed out that he was appearing to express regret, and whether he wanted to do that or not, I made it clear that I didn't want him to do that (based on what I'd read here, of course). Even so, some of them did sound as if he was trying to pacify her, and he seemed reluctant to mention that he really loved me and what a mistake all this had been (still in the fog, I think).

I do know that my H sometimes has trouble compiling letters, etc, and tends to put things straight from the brain, without any analysis of how it reads. I had to give him the benefit of the doubt in some cases, as he did not perceive his comments in the same way I did. He just wanted to let her down as gently as possible, after "disturbing her life in such a way". And he did not want to appear to be 'bad' in her eyes, as they did still had one more meeting connected with the project they were involved in. I also think he was worried about what she would be thinking about his sudden turn away from her and back to me, and of course she accused me of pulling all the strings, and that H really wouldn't have wanted to end the A. It seems they all try clutching at straws when As end like this. But, even so, despite his continued attempts at making the end of the A more gentle, she still poured out more sarcasm and venom in her subsequent emails. I think he finally got the message that no matter how gently he had ended it with her, she would still have reacted as she did.

DH-

I know that the NC email was sent abruptly because I had already asked him to send it twice before and decided that it was his decision and I could not control that. When he did send it, it was 6:30 in the AM and he was freaking out because she had called him twice after he hadn't talked/communicated with her at all for a month or so. No doubt in my mind that it would have been worded differently had he run it past me first.

However, thanks to Lake's description of what someone else saw in what he wrote, I never would have pointed half that stuff out to him- so in a way, I am glad that it went the way it did. It shows us where improvement is significantly needed. We can only learn from it.