After 27 yrs of marriage my father left my mother for another woman...this has happened severel years ago..but my sister and I still are coping with it. My father was are moral and church going family man. He is mow married to the woman. He raised my sister and I one way and lived his life a totally differet way...it has destroyed our family..it broke my mother. In different ways this has affected my sister's and my marriages as we both have relationship troubles.. It made me harden my heart toward men...because I honestly thought if my father can do something like this the man who I thought the most of in my life...then I should expect it from any man. My dads stance thru the whole thing to this day is more or less accept it and get on with it...as his life has prospered he made the income and my poor mother has struggled...He never apoligized to my sister or I. He felt he was entitled to be happy and did not need our approval..we never really talked about it...this is the way its going to be and thats it...now I never see my dad but maybe once a year...it makes me physically sick to be in his house... ...he lives in another state than me i moved away several years ago...but my sister lives near him...it is still hard on her to be around him...this has happened 8 yrs ago...and we still deal with the aftermath of it...i do not talk to my dad very often but when we do talk it is nothing more than how is the weather, hope the kids are ok...we have no relationship.. I know this has affected my relationship to my husband...as this all started 6 months into our marriage..

Gabie8 - I think many can relate to what you are going thru. My dad also left my mom for another woman, but he never married the OW. I never respected the way he did things either. He never would admit he was in an A with the OW. He blamed my mom for everything. I was so mad at him for the way he acted I didn't have anything to do with him for years. Our R is better now that years have gone by, but it took time. He's on his 3rd marriage and when he starts giving me relationship advice I have to roll my eyes.

Just know, you are not alone hun.

I know the deception is the worst part of it...i dont have another woman..its a joke a slap in your face...then he marries her ...we did not attend their wedding... his wife is a very strong woman..manipulitive, conniving, very cunning he hides behind her.... they live the perfect life now big members in their church....very nice income...all the toys he could want...while my mother struggles to get by...

gabie,

My father left my mother for a woman my age after 26 years of marriage. But I wanted to comment on some of your thoughts....because I think it's important that you understand that you can escape "victimhood". I know it's hard, and I know first hand how heart breaking it is. My mom also had a breakdown and my sister and I had to put aside our lives for a while to remind her of how strong she really was.


This is about the devastation of marriage and the tragedy that it causes. It is about the consequences of poor, cruel and immoral choices that your father made.


Okay, but while this is likely to be a contributing factor....is that really the whole picture? Think about that for a second.


Your father's choices can't "make" you do anything unless you allow your grief to determine your own choices. There is no doubt that this kind of betrayal cuts to the very core, but if you decide to "harden your heart", then you're allowing yourself to be punished for HIS sins.


Sounds to me, that by keeping the contact to a minimum and avoiding the elephant in the living room is not working to well for you. Why not use some radical honesty and really let your dad understand the depth of your pain and what conditions you have for a relationship with him. But remember, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. If you hold onto resentment, it just poisons you from the inside. But forgiveness.....DOESN'T mean you have to have a relationship with him. Sometimes, we never get the real apologies or explanations that we need. We can't change other people....but we can use good boundaries and protect ourselves from harmful people. Someone who has hurt you with no remorse.....is harmful for you.


Make a choice to honor your own marriage and your own husband despite the dispicable actions of your father. Recognize the unfairness of sticking all men into the same category....especially your husband. If you allow the sins of your father to ruin you life....then you are essentially choosing to remain a victim. Don't do it chere....it's a waste of your precious time on this earth.

I feel your pain, but I have refused to allow my father to poison the rest my life. Destroying my family was enough tragedy for me. I promised myself that my children would never have to meet the same fate....and that I would fight for my marriage. I can't do that if I remain in victim-mode.

What is happening to your mother? You say that it "broke" her. What is she doing (and what have you been able to do) that can help her recapture some joy in her life? Be an inspiration to her. If he's living the high life while she's struggling.....maybe she can go back to court with a better attorney.

I have severed all ties to my mother because of her disloyalty to my father. After his death in 2004 I limited my contact with her to a minimum so that my son could still maintain a relationship with her. The last straw was about 2 months ago when for no reason she euthanized my fathers dog... she made up a story about him having cancer...never thinking one of her children would call the vet...there was no cancer, she lied to the vet and said the dog was constantly incontinent...well, you get the picture. The vet was angry... I was beside myself. After years of watching her hurt my dad with her affairs(and verbal abuse) and then not taking proper care of him when he was dying (so much so that my three brothers and I threatened to have her legally removed as a care giver if she didn't change), the dog was the last straw.
I walked in on her when I was about 6 giving head to my god father....he came over every day after my dad went to work...Monday through Friday... no exception! When he showed up at my dads funeral I had two of my cop friends quietly remove him from the premises before I ripped his head off.
The damage that unfaithful parents cause their children is beyond description. Not only do the children suffer the emotional scars but the actions of the wayward puts the child at a greater risk for sexual abuse...predators sense the turmoil in the child and use it against them.
Okay...I think I am saying too much here.

In the beginning there were many discussions with my father and I .....fight , screaming...crying fits ...begging dont do this. My sister didnt speak to him for almost 2 yrs...he was determined to do what he wanted he felt he sacrificed his whole life...his happiness came first. I have forgiven my dad ...and it is true his actions cannot dictate my life.....but forgiveness doesnt take away the pain.......the realtionship is just the wat my dad wants it...as far as my mom goes she stepped away with half his military retirement. But her health has deteriorated...she has had heart surgery, arthitis, and has gained a tremendous amount of weight ....she also battles depression.

wow medc,

I knew you had a deep well of pain....but the more I learn, the more I understand your "hard-line" approach. I had a very abusive childhood too, so I've had fight back from the damage. It's import to empower victims so that they can escape those nasty consequences you mentioned. There's no way to escape the initial pain, and completely agree that these horrors CAN have lasting effects (and for many they WILL)....but I also believe they don't have to. The people who overcome huge losses and betrayals are those who refuse to protect and empower themselves.

medc......you story is heartbreaking...the damage that people cause to their children with these cruel actions ...cant be undone...i have seen it firsthand with friends who cheat ...the kids always come last.. and the their pain is the greatest...but waywards cant see past their own lust.......

I really am okay after all of that (and quite a bit of therapy)... but yes, it does explain my lack of tolerance for certain behaviors!