Okay, I think I have confused everyone so let me just go over the basic stuff of what happened...the shortest version I can post...

I found emails in January of this year that were sent in October of last year from WH to OW when they were working in the same department. He worked in the field and she in the office. Very rarely physically saw each other...office in completely different city. WH was told in addition to other employees that they needed to clean out their Blackberry's as well as their email accounts on the company intranet otherwise it would slow down the Blackberry's. WH is not too computer literate so asked me if I would do this for him. He had 1300 emails to go through. I made it to Octobers and opened the emails because the subject matters looked suspicious and a bit too friendly. However, this was not done until January because I was not aware of the intranet nor had WH been to the site because he had no reason to be on it. I had to help WH login and even find the emails etc.

Once I found the emails...long before I found MB, I approached him angrily and asked him what the you know what they were about? They were the "at it with the wife again" "she's driving me nuts" "I'd rather stay at work" on his part and OW's responses were something like "some of us have to work for a living" (Me-SAHM) and then the names...WH called her "slave-driver" and "boss" and she'd reply flirtatiously "I am not your boss" and so on. Very quick short emails that went back and forth for quite a while.

WH was like a child with his hand caught in the cookie jar. Extremely remorseful and upset that he had hurt me. I vented to a friend who had been through something similar but not until a few months later and she recommended MB. I read lots and lots of posts and showed tons to WH and finally showed him the NC letter that someone (sorry cant remember who right now) graciously posted for him. He decided at the time not to do it because he had not worked directly with her-had already been transferred to another department since about the time I found out about this. I was upset about this (decision to not do the NC letter) but came to realize that his decisions are not for me to make. I can only control me and my decisions. He knew it needed to be done and decided abruptly to do it on Wednesday because after avoiding her for months, she called about the awards ceremony and would not quit calling him. Hence the NC email...Sorry...my short version was not so short... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

The NC letter and the immediate follow up to take fault for the conversations were the only two contacts. There was not another email or contact to OW and this was before we knew about the other guy OW had done this to previously.

Does this help explain it??

I would just like to add that although I am aware of how I feel, I am taking this advice you are sending VERY seriously because I am also aware of the fact that the MBer's who have been posting have either been through what I am going through or have seen it work/not work when other couples have taken/not taken the correct measures to see that their M's are changed.

So from your understanding what was the nature of their A? How long? Was there SF?

The nature was completely emotional. I know there was no SF never even a brush on the shoulder or an accidental touch. They don't physically work together. They communicated by phone/email because he was in the field and she was in the office and they were responsible for communications to the homeowners from their respected places. They worked directly together for approximately a year and a half. I am confident that everything I know about what has happened is true on my WH part.

I want to add in his defense that he adores me, he adores his children and I think my intuition is pretty good. I picked up on this deal before he even knew what hit him and when we found out earlier in the week about her crying over him leaving her dept. and how he wasn't the first one, that was validation in my feelings. I completely think she has already scoped out her next victim. That seems to be her M.O. I know many on this site will disagree with me, but I think my intuition is fairly good and I have been right so far in what it has told me. Feel free to comment on that part if you wish, but know that I am not soliciting advice on that part because I know my reaction at this point is against MB policies.

I think that some (NOT ALL) men are oblivious in comparison with women and their intuition. I completely believe that this OW knew exactly what she was doing and although my WH takes fault for his part, he saw what was going on as just a friendship and nothing more. Although now, he feels and knows quite differently. If there comes a setback, then obviously we are back to DDay and will deal then, but until then, I believe that I am not living in a fog and hope to prove that one day! If I cannot, I will come, tail between legs and share.

However, you wanted to know the nature of the EA and so I wanted to tell you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I will only comment that I think you are right on. I have learned the hard way never to ignore my intuition and many others here will tell you the same. Our instincts told us something was wrong, and we ignored it at our own peril. I sure did!

Thanks ML for the comment. I really am digesting everything I read on this site. It's quite overwhelming at times!

One problem I see is that your husband doesn't have proper boundaries.

His messages to her -

"at it with the wife again" "she's driving me nuts" "I'd rather stay at work"

are HIGHLY INNAPROPRIATE in a work setting, and especially between members of the opposite sex. He needs to keep his home life and job separate.

Also I would work on whatever changes you need to make to change whatever was going on in the marriage to make him feel like. Or was he just trying to get her sympathy?

Also the NC letter just bothers me. I know you explained it, but "Congratulations on the award!" just doesn't sound much like a man who desires no contact from a woman.

I let him know of the inappropriateness of the "congrats" in the NC letter. He was confused because he is breaking off what he thought was a normal friendship. You are correct about the boundaries and although he sees it now, he didn't before and is still learning about what those are. We will speak of this again later this evening when the boys are asleep. I too, thought it quite contradictory...Congrats...don't ever call me again...yeah, sounds kinda misleading...

He is still trying to process what has happened. He avoids conflict at all costs unlike myself who says- bring it on. I am confident that until he does find another job, that he is sincere in his feelings about fixing our marriage. I understand the whole recovery deal that has been posted to me about how it cannot begin until there is no chance for contact and as I said in my last post, my intuition at this point says I need not worry. If we get to a place where I feel otherwise, we deal with it then.

Momentary ThreadJack...

:::::::::::{{{{{{{{{{believer}}}}}}}}}:::::::::::::

Done.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LA

Okay. In the meantime, be sure to spend 15 hours a week doing fun things together, without the kids. Can you manage that?

And I would ask him to take the emotional needs questionnaire. Since he is a conflict avoider, he might not let you know what they are in the normal course of things.

Ok - play that game...it will get you no where.

Mel, Mim and others here have helped me. My wife had an EA for about a year. NOTHING changed for the better in our
M until my wife found a new job away from the OM.

My dday was May 06 - today she wouldn't chit on him if he asked twice and said preaty please.

New job is a must.

I'm not fighting against you, I'm fighting for you.

LA what does this mean? Not familiar with it??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

B-

No, we have not figured out how to manage the 15 hours. He commutes and does not get home til 6 or 6:30 at which time he spends that after dinner time with the kids. I get one hour of "talk" time at night since my biggest EN is communication. Although we know this isn't even close to enough, we truly can't figure out how to factor in all the other hours we need during the week. If I get all his time in the evenings, the kids get nothing. That has been a real struggle to figure out. We did do the EN questionnaire- it was the first thing we did when finding the site. His EN's are admiration/affection. We knew right away that neither one of our needs were being met. Right now, the needs are being met satisfactorily to us both and we have seen a tremendous improvement on both sides.

M2L- I know that you are fighting for me and not against me, but I would really rather not see any frustrated posts from you. I KNOW what you want us to do but right now, it's my choice not to. OWH could be a raving lunatic for all I know. I have to believe that contacting the OWH would be something I had to do if I knew he was a normal loving committed H and right now I don't believe that for a second. Three separate people have told WH that this man has cheated on his wife numerous times, so what makes you think he's gonna care that his wife is lonely? Of course she's freakin lonely...he's screwing around on the side!!

M2L- Right now, I am only replying to the posts that are given me. I am not seeking new advice because of the way I am choosing to handle things. Right now, I wish the NC email had never been sent because I think we were doing better in the MBers eyes than we are now. Nowhere on here am I trying to dismiss my WH role in all of this, nor is he. What I am trying to do is express my feelings of how just up and quitting his job would put us on the street.

You want the rundown---here it is...We live pay to pay as it is and what he makes, he cannot just make anywhere. He has no degree, nor certifications that he can just pick up and move anywhere. We are searching daily for jobs and he has sent numerous resume's and applications out and even made phone calls to previous employers. You cannot get a job if you cannot get hired. He's not freakin being picky about what job to take and what job not to take but a family of four will not survive on minimum wage. It's not about ego at this point, it's about paying the bills. We are not in debt- for the first time in almost 10 years, we have a mortgage and one vehicle payment and the only reason we have the vehicle payment is because his 12 year old truck died last winter. We don't live large. We have a modest house that is sufficient for our needs. I home school our children, everything we do is on a budget. I don't buy new clothes, my children have what they need and anything extra comes from grandma. I am not soliciting pity, just a little understanding. I have said before that I UNDERSTAND that if my choice backfires, then I will deal, and I don't think I am soliciting new advice, just replying to what I see that concerns my situation. If you cannot help, I get that. Really, I do. I take every advice on here seriously and into consideration. I just don't get why you think it's so easy to just sell the house, pick a new state from the atlas and head out on the range. Houses in our subdivision have been for sale for almost a year- foreclosure may be a drastic and wonderful measure for some to avoid stalkers and serial killers, but that's not us.

Our M is extremely important to us whether you choose to believe that or not, it really is. We feel that we are beginning to heal and if it wasn't like that, then more drastic measures would be taken as needed. I am not in some kind of hazy wonderland of happiness. I am being extremely cautious, intuitive and loving a husband who is reciprocating very nicely. The advice that is being given, or questions being asked, I will kindly reply to but not the frustrations.

Sorry, J...that was a drive-by hugging you witnessed.

I haven't gotten to do that on any threads where believer and I were posting...I really didn't mean to interrupt.

A self-centered act, you could say.

May I hug you, too? ((JLashley))

LA

Ok - I will back out of your thread as you wish

I leave you with.... Good Luck

Okay...my WH is sitting here an would like to hear from any FWS's who are male and have done what he is attempting to do in order to save their marriage...quit their job, moved away, anything drastic that worked without living out of a cardboard box.

M2L you are the MALE in this deal. Your wife quit her job, but were you relying on her income to survive if she didn't find another job? I didn't ask you to leave, I just asked you to refrain from the frustrated posts that are rhetorical and will get you nowhere with me...I will put a new post out there to the FWS's and hopefully someone will be able to help. You hiring?

LA: I sure could use a hug! That post made me smile...thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

jlashley,
which state are you in? I know there are lots of houses being built in Texas right now. I could tell you some cities where there is a lot of growth.

Move- We live in West VA. Thank you for the informative reply. What cities are you speaking of? We are not avoiding any place in particular and will gladly check into anything sent our way...

There are lots of places around the Dallas area. They have lots of companies that build houses there. Also north of Austin there is a lot of house counstruction. I am fairly certain Houston would be similar.


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