This past February '07, I discovered that my wife was having an affair for 2 years. Found the evidence on cell phone records by way of a buisness card I found in an old wallet of hers. This buisness card had his cell number on it, something I was looking for a while. After confronting her on my discovery, she broke down and told me what a big mistake it was and for nothing. A week after D-day, I text message and left a voice mail on the ****** cell phone. My wife told me that he got the message and would not have any contact with my wife, which unfourtantley works in the same place (a hospital). She's a nurse and he's a f-ing doctor. Since then, I've asked her several times to write a NC letter to him with my approval. She has refused this saying that the text messages and voice mail I left on his cell phone was enough. I want to belive her so bad that she has no contact with him but still have this inkling or gut feeling they are still talking to each other. Should I inform him of this and should I let his wife know of the affair? I'm in limbo on this situation.

RobiA,

Welcome to MB'rs. Sorry for the awful pain you are feeling right now.

Your situation is starting from square one here.

First, she does need to write a no-contact letter.

Second, you need to verify that the A has ended. The only way that you can successfully do that while they work together is to have one of them leave the hospital.

Any children?

How long married?

She can never see him again. How is that going to occur in the hospital?

Is the OM married too?

What MB or Dr. Harley material have you read?

RobiA

I found myself in a similar situation. My wife finally wrote the NC letter which the OM responded to as noted below.

"Damage has been caused to each of our families and that can not be taken away. It is time for the healing process for both families to begin and I agree that can only happen with all contact being stopped. There will be no attempts of contacting either you or your husband and I hope that there will be no attempts to contact me or my family as well."

The OM’s response would lead one to believe that he and his family were suffering through the same pain that I was as a betrayed spouse. After about two months of thinking about this, I sent his wife a letter. Busted. She had absolutely no idea what so ever and was thankful that I had reached out to her. I guess what I am trying to say is, contact the other spouse. That will ensure the situation is managed from the other side.

Pat

Let his wife know about the affair. That ought to cool things down. Be sure to have any proof, and then contact her. Don't warn your wife that you are going to do it.

In case this helps you.... I could not locate OM wife’s cell phone # or email address, and they didn’t have a home phone. I ended up sending a letter to her using the post office’s “Restricted Delivery” service. That service requires that the recipient present an ID prior to the post office delivering the letter.

Here is a story I suspect all betrayed spouses will appreciate. The post office tried to deliver the letter on 3 occasions over a two week period, leaving notices on their door step. The OM found the first one by accident, and had to come home early from work every day to see if another notice was left. Finally, he had to travel out of town, a notice was left which his wife found, she went to the post office, presented her ID and they gave her the letter and the previous deliver attempts. For some reason the fact that he was covering up my attempts to contact her, made her even more angry with him. That really "cools things down" as noted by believer above.

I hope he had a stomach ache for those two weeks while he was guarding the mail box.

Pat,
I do know their home address and also land line #. The OM's wife has two children (ages 5 & 3). My wife told me she does not want to involve and hurt the OM's wife and kids and subsequently this will get out in the entire hospital were they are employed. I just don't want the f-ing doctor to do it again and continue to hurt his family. My problem is if I do let her know about the affair (which I have solid proof), this will more than likely spell an end to my wife's employment @ hospital. In all likely have a financial impact on our marriage. Caught between a rock and hard place.

Patlink - Great Idea!! Why don't you post that on General Questions II. People are always asking how to notify the other BS.

Hi, Robi.

Are you more interested in your marriage or her paycheck?

Gimble

Oh please!! The foggy logic of the typical WW at work. Was she thinking about them when she scr*wed the OM???


Boo-hoo.

At the very least the OM's W needs to know. And either the OM or your WW need to find employment elsewhere - it will not be possible to maintain NC if they both work together. Exposure at the office might likely be enough to help one or both of them to leave ASAP.

Too late - she has been involved and hurting OM M for 2 years. That boat is gone



Good - VERY good - hard to have an A when everyone knows about it



Here my friend is where you need to stop giving a chit about this dr and work on your M.



Good. They will have to no longer see each other forever.

Rob,

My husband and his OW's grand plan was that they would happily continue having their sex-for-the-sake-of-sex-affair and I would never find out, and la-la-la-la-la nobody would ever get hurt and la-la-la-la-la-la the whole world including them could live happily ever-after la-la-la-la-la-la.

I found out.

In one instance, the OMW could find out, and be devastated that "everyone else" knew, and had NOT ONE OUNCE of respect for her right to decide for herself what she should and should not know about her own life, her own pain, her own marriage, her own children.

OMW is being hurt by her husband in exactly the same way, right now, that your wife has hurt you. OMW is being betrayed by her husband, right now, in exactly the same way that your wife betrayed you.

The only difference is that she doesn't know it. And isn't being given the chance to make her own choices about her life, because everyone who does know it............

IS CHOOSING FOR HER.

Please, even if you have to take an afternoon off from work, go tell OMW.

She has a right to know.

She has the right to her own dignity.


As far as the NC letter, your WW should write that, and you should deliver it.

And your WW should find employment elsewhere. She owes it to you and your marriage to try to provide the sense of security and well-being that you will need from day to day that not working with OM will begin to give you. It won't be the "cure", but it will go a long way towards helping you feel somewhat safer during her worktime.

Nurses are in high demand. She should be able to find a nice job rather easily.

SB

bump for Rob