Some years ago I had an affair and I left my husban for him during that time of separation i became pregnant from him wich made me very happy at the time because we both wanter our baby . I was living in mexico and I became very ill due to my pregnancy so the babys father and I decided that it was best for me to come back and have the baby here because the chances of me making it tru the pregnancy were not very high over there. And so I came back. Before I left my husband had taken full custody of out 3 children wich I had no rigths to see and that is what incourange me to start fresh. Any ways i came back and had my beautiful baby. at firts everything seem to be fine when she was born she was really perfect and beautiful. But we found out the day of my realease from the hospital that she had rare disease in her left side of her heart. She was taken to the childrens hospital for surgery and made it tru so strong she came home after a month and stayed with me for a month and she became ill again and she was back in the hospital for another procedure, she was back and forth until her third month when she stayed in the hospital bacause they couldn do anything to save her. God will let her stay 4 more months wich I spend every day at her bed side in fear of the day she wouldnt wake up, but it almost seem that she didnt want to go she was so strong and so happy all the time. That she was even consider for heart transplant and when that didnt happend. Well the surgeon decided to give her one last shot at a surgery he was probably as frigten as I was because they had never seen a baby make it out of surgery in her stage for that matter make it that long. But that is exactly what encourage him to proccede and she made it succefully. But the day after God took her. Lung failure. Not that i dont love my other children but she was just something so special, she was not only beutiful, and she had a way to make people fall in love with her, she was so strong. its been one year since she left and she left this big empty hole in me and her dad and everyone that knew her. I feel like my need to fullfill the life of my baby. was left undone and I have the need to fullfill it.. I dream of having a nother baby to give all this love to but its not that simple due to the fact that I'm back to my husband and the baby wont resemble my little girl she looked so much like her dad. And I can let go of that conection she left behind. Her dad asked me to go back to my family in her memory and try to work it out so that my children would have a family because he would of wanted to give the same to her and that is what drove me back to my husband but the memory of my little girl makes it so hard to let go. What can I do to satisfy this thirst of having a baby that resembles her? Any one that shares the pain of loosing a child migth understand this specific need.

arling, I am very sorry for the loss of your precious child. I have a son that was very ill at age 7 months and is now disabled from it. I cannot imagine the further pain of losing his precious life. No child can be replaced. They are unique individuals. If your H is willing to have another child with you and IF you have worked out the issues within yourself that led you to walk away from your three original children then I would try with my H to have another. However, from your post it sounds like you have not worked out all the personal issue and I can't tell from your post what shape your M is in now. How are your kids handling you returning after that long absence? Have you cut off contact with the xOM? If you have not you need to in order for your marriage to thrive. You owe it to your H to give your M your all.

Ignore it and it will go away ... this "thirst" is irrational

we cannot order a baby from a menu based on looks

what you have expressed is not a need

what you have expressed is a desire

I am sure you would fall in love with any future baby you might have....

I read this books called, "My Year of Magical Thinking" recently. The author did an excellent job of describing the bizarre thinking that accompanies such loss.

It's been years since my son passed. What made perfect sense to me then, seems like insanity today. Just give it time.

Doesn't really get any more "warm and fuzzy" than that now does it Pepper.

Anyway, I know it hurts like He!! to lose a little one. Took my W and I years to get over the loss of our first child.

Faith is right, before you start to try and make a baby again, figure out your M issues first.

Take the time to mourn the loss, nothing can replace a child that is lost.

TH

perhaps I misunderstood her desire

the way I read this is:

she wants a baby that looks like her affair partner ... not her husband

this sure seems irrational to me

but, if you think this is a rational/reasonable desire TH .... I guess we can disagree without rancor

Nice try Pepper.

The woman just lost her child or did you miss that part? There was no argument about what your message was, just how it was delivered. One can tell it how is and still show some compassion while doing it.

Give it a try. It doesn't hurt as much as you think it will.

TH

To the original poster, I'm sorry for your sad loss. I lost a baby at birth, and know the pain is incredibly intense. It also brings up feelings of past losses.

I suggest you find the nearest chapter of Compassionate Friends (parents who have lost children) to share your grief, and read about the normal grief process. I learned so much from listening to others' stories, and how to heal in a healthy way.

Although "replacement baby feelings" are normal, another child will not "replace" your last one. It would be totally unfair to the new child (and your family!) if you did try, as you might resent all the ways in which he or she proved to be a Different Person.

Please consider counseling to help you through this!!

It is critical to address your grief, your marriage, and your living children now. You cannot bring back what is past. Perhaps it adds to your pain to have to face your family whom you hurt through the affair, but you have a chance to show your remorse and start anew with them. Please look at what ELSE you lost before you throw away your second chance.

Sent with a prayer for you,
J

Troubled H,

I am with you on this one. My jaw fell open when I read Pepper's response. It is not what Pepper said but HOW she said it. Arling1002 made one post and seems to have headed for the hills. I can't say that I blame her. I know that Arling is clearly a WS and she has made some terrible choices but she has lost a child. There is nothing worse on the planet than this. It is beyond cruel to survive your child.

From my perspective, with Arling back with her family and seeming to TRY to make things work, I think that she would have been better served by people trying to help her see things from another perspective. She clearly needs a LOT of help and I am saddened that we may not see her back on this site again. She and her family could benefit from the wisdom of the members of this board.

Arling1002, if you read this message, please consider trying to give this board a bit more time.

All the very best.

DeservedB.

i'm sorry you lost your baby. I know its hard to get over that lost.

I'm glad you are planning to go back to your family but as faith suggested above it would be best if you would address your issues first. Your h and children deserves that.