I am fairly new to this site, but I just want to say thank you to all of you who have already helped me this far!

It has been a little over six weeks since DD, and I am still having a very difficult time learning to trust my H again. I don't even know where to begin to find the trust. I keep thinking that with time, it will come back little by little, but it's not. Here's a shortened version of my story to help understand where I am now.

I discovered my H had been calling and texting another woman. He was mainly the one calling and texting, but she would also call, or reply to him. I found this info. out from my cell bill. When I confronted him about it, he came all out. He told me that it all began a little over a year ago, and on one occassion he met her at the movie theater where they did have physical contact, but not sex. He said that when he left the movie, he felt horrible about what he did, and it never happened again. But, he still continued to call her and text her, and over time became emotionally attached to her. For two weeks after DD, she did not call him - that is when I realized it was probably more my H doing the calling, etc, and he admitted that was right. I asked him to call her and tell her that it was over, which he did. That conversation lasted only about 5 min., and she texted him about 20 min later saying, "let your wife read this - I have dates pouring in day and night, etc.." I realized that he must not have told her why it was over, and he said that he told her he just had to do what was right for him and his family, and this meant no more contact. I feel like I was made out to look like the bad guy - the insecure, untrusting wife. Anyway, my H and I are working very hard to get through this, and I know we will pull through. We have a very solid foundation, and it was rocked, but we will recover. He said he will not ask me to trust him because he know's that's going to be a hard thing to earn again. I know he is very remorseful. He is a wonderful husband, father, protector and provider, and I can't imagine my life without him. I want to be able to learn to start trusting him - at least a little - again, but i don't know where to begin.

Please, if anyone has any advice, I would be so grateful! I would love to be able to see my H go out for a couple of hours with his friends for a drink, or to play ball, and me trust him, but I just can't handle it right now. How can I help him understand that I don't even want him to go out without me?
Thanks for any encouragement, opinions, stories, advice - whatever. I want to move on for my sake - I'm tired of hurting.

HAS

{{{{{{{has}}}}}}}

You are very early on in your recovery. Your husband had an emotional affair. You are hurt, devastated, and worried that your relationship is on shaky ground.

You will start trusting him to some degree, ultimately. But Dr. Harley says that full trust isn't really smart. Both spouses need to be accountable to each other, because it actually protects the marriage. You need to read this site and look into this concept further so you can understand about trust within your relationship. I would also advise that you and your husband read a couple of books together - After the Affair, Surviving an Affair, His Needs, Her Needs, Not Just Friends, or Relationship Rescue - are just a few that might help you two better understand the dynamics of what has happened, and how you can build better relationships between the two of you to prevent this from happening again.

Keep reading and posting here. It is a great support network. My H had an affair about 19 months ago, and without this site I don't think we would have recovered.

SB

SB
Thanks for the reply. I do need to get a couple of those books for the both of us. Maybe it would help my H understand the complete devastation I felt, and the hard time I am having with the littlest bit of trust. He is very understanding, don't get me wrong, but as they say, "until you walk in another person's shoes..."

I have also been hung up on the idea that my H never told the OW his true reason for ending all contact. For some reason, this bothers me. I have even considered contacting her just to let her know that I am not the bad guy here, and that I do know about their relationship. I don't know how to handle it. Should I just let it go since contact is completely over? Or, should I approach the subject with her? Thanks!
HAS

Has,
Don't approach her. Heck, I want the OW to think I am one bad mamma <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I don't want her cotacting him in anyway at all.

Since he already called her he may not do it, but you could ask him to write the no contact letter. It should just state that out of love and respect for his wife and his marriage, there can never be any conact between them again.

There is a sample in the book surviving an affair. You really should buy and read that book. It is sort of the bible of affair recovery.

Have you had him read Joseph's letter? It makes a big impact on the FWS.

As SB said, you have not been in recovery for very long. You are not expected to have much, ok any, trust right now.

Keep reading here, read the books, post. Spend lots of time with your husband making new wonderful memories and things really will get better.

(((Has)))
hang in there

Thanks moveforward,
I get your point about wanting to make the OW think I AM the bad guy, but part of me doesn't want her to think that she has the upperhand in thinking that I don't know what happened. I want her to know that I know.

A situation presented itself this past weekend that I had a hard time with. My H and I went to my DD dance recital, and there was a sitter at my house for my youngest DD. When we got out of the recital early, I suggested to my H that we maybe grab a quick bite and drink at a nearby pub after we drop my DD and DS at home with the sitter. We were on our way to the pub, and my H asked me, "what would you do if we ran into her here?" I didn't and don't have a clue how I would act. He said that the place I had chose is one of her hangouts. I still wanted to go because she's not going to stop my life. I sat with my back turned to the entire rest of the place so I would not have to know if she was there or not, but my H kept looking and looking. I even asked him to stop once becuase he was making me nervous, and he did for a few minutes, but the rest of the time I don't feel like his attention was on me, but rather if the OW would show up or not. That was a tough night. I feel like I need to put myself in these situations because I am the type of person to face things head on - not run away. I want the healing to begin, but I don't know if my approach is always right. Should I have suggested another place?
thanks!
HAS

Hi has,

I'm very sorry that you are hurting.



This is not a bad thing right now, has.

The fear and negative feelings you are experienced are trying to warn you that you need to protect yourself. Protection is a good thing. No need to feel guilty or bad for having feelings like that.

Instead of reacting to them, maybe you can try to use the distrust and fear to motivate you towards finding a plan to ensure your safety and protection.



Okay. Your H did exactly what you asked him to. It had a little bit of a negative outcome for you. You can learn from that.

Possibly you can do some thinking on the things that would make you feel safer that avoid an outcome like this. Maybe also get some ideas from other people as far as things that have helped them feel safer and build trust.



That's great! Sounds like he's willing and that's wonderful. He will need some specific information from you regarding what would help you build trust because he probably isn't a mindreader. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

One thing for you both to consider is a plan regarding any breach in NC by OW. How would you like him to handle that situation, should it arise, in a way that would not result in your feeling like the bad guy or the insecure wife? The more specific you can be, the better.



And maybe you're NOT ready for that right now. You get to decide what you are comfortable with and what you're not comfortable with.

Maybe you would be more comfortable with those activites under certain conditions, for example...if you went along, or if your H called you periodically. Likely there is a solution that would work for you both and it might just take a little creativity to find it.

Have you told him that you would like to feel comfortable when he goes out to do these things? The way you stated it sounds like an excellent preface to a conversation with him about negotiation!



This is wonderful, too!

Have you read the Basic Concepts of Marriage Builders? They are brilliant and can offer you ways to re-design your foundation so that it has virtually no chance of being rocked in the future.

ah, I know exactly what you mean- we went thru the same thing here. A was over and he did not write a no contact letter. I still want her to know I know- but I had to let that go.

If he tells you that is one of her hangouts, go somewhere else. I know you want to show her you won, but the likelyhood of you running into her is not real good.

Do you live in the same town? I guess you might stand more of a chance running into her than I do. The FOW in our sitch lives a couple of towns over. We go there often. My H says she doesn't eat out or shop at the stores where we go. Of course there is always the chance that she might.

I make sure I look AWESOME whenever we are in her town <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Last year my FIL was having surgery where she works. We had to go. No one in our families knows about the A. She is his old gf from hs and college. We knew that if we ran into her no one would understand why he wouldn't talk to her. We brainstormed together how to handle the situation.

I also brainstormed with a friend on what I would do and say AFTER H left <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Thankfully, that situation did not arise.

Talk it out with your husband. Tell him you need for her to know that the reason he is not communicating with her is because he loves you and he has apologized to you and recommited to the marriage.

I can see how that could cause you both to feel very uncomfortable.

This is the kind of instance I think prior planning could really be useful.

If you both work on a plan together that considers the elements that you would both be comfortable, you could work as a team to decide how to handle it should it occur.

This process can bind you together as teammates and then no need to sit around and play the oft-scary "what if" game...because you will already know "what if", it will allow both of you to relax and just enjoy each other's company.

Thanks for all of the great input! We will definitely have to brainstorm and come up with a plan for when we run into her becuase it is inevitable - she pretty much lives in the same town, or at least hangs out here.
How do you keep moving forward? There are so many triggers for me, and I feel like I can keep them at bay the majority of the time, but sometimes I can't seem to pull through as easy. I feel like I'm taking one step forward and two steps back some days.
I guess if I could have seen any of this coming, maybe it wouldn't seem so devastating to me, but I really did think we had it all. Our couple friends always comment on the relationship that we have, and the amount of trust we had in one another. We prided ourselves on the fact that our trust was a huge factor in our relationship - along with love, etc.
I just hate who I am now on the inside. I hate that I can't trust him anymore becuase I used to without a doubt. I want that trust back so bad, but to be very honest, I don't know if I will ever get it back the way it was. Maybe that's okay though because maybe I left myself too vulnerable before. I didn't want to be a jealous or untrusting person though. I wanted him to be happy. He wanted the same for me. He trusts me explicitly.
Thanks for listening. Tonight he went out with a good friend of his to bowl a game. His friend wants to become a professional bowler, so pretty much lives at the alley. I guess there are worse places to be. This is the second time he's been out without me. The first time was horrible. He had gone with some friends to watch a fighting match, and I was to meet them at a bar after. I wasn't able to get there until they were already there for about 2 hours. I was so disappointed to walk in and find that he'd had too much to drink. To top it off, a female aquaintance of his friend's was there, and at one point, had her arm around my H rubbing the back of his neck and playing with his hair. I couldn't stand it. It ruined my whole evening. We talked about it the next day, and he realized that having too much to drink is probably not in his best interest for several reasons right now. He is not an alcoholic, but likes to have fun, like many, and I am not innocent either. So, I sit here tonight with my mind wondering. Part of me even wishes I could find someone to go see if he's really there. I guess I'll find out one way or another.
Sorry to go on and on. I have no one else to turn to. Thanks for everything.
HAS

Precisely!

I relate to what you said about wishing I could have that trust back. I felt that way in the early days. What I really think I missed was being blissfully, ignorantly naive. Everything feels so much more comfortable and pretty in the land of denial than it does out in cold, harsh reality, doesn't it?

I used to miss it, too, but I stopped. I stopped because reality is there whether I care to see it or not. If I have my eyes shut tightly in fantasy, I don't see it coming. If my eyes are open, I can take precautions to protect myself from it, rather than using the false sense of protection that denial offers.



This is utter disrespect.


Why are you sitting there wondering???

Do you believe it would be an intrusion for you to find out if he's really there and who he is with?

A person who has a problem with their spouse verifying their whereabouts is a person who has something to hide.

This kind of verification BUILDS trust. A willingness to offer you this kind of transparency is something that should be a boundary for you. It is your responsibility to verify that he is worthy of the opportunity of reconciliation you are offering.

I can only sit here and wonder because I have three children in bed asleep. None of my friends or family know about any of this, so I can't ask them for help.

Funny, H just called a few min. ago to tell me not to freak out that his friends OW just called HIS phone tracking down his friend. His friend was not answering her calls, so she intentionally hid her number, and called my H phone.

I know this is not my H fault, but I'll be ...... if there isn't always some sort of drama. I don't necessarily care for my H hanging out with this friend. This friend had an A, and is still seeing OW, and recently filed for divorce. I don't get it. Why?

Anyway, back to the bar scene - yea - it was totally disrespectful. He told his friend that night to "keep you dog on her chain." He should have told HER face to face to back off. I know I would have. I told my H, after that night, I'm no longer misses nice wife. God help the next girl who lays a hand on him.

I don't know how he would act if he found out I sent someone to check on him. Truthfully, I wouldn't care. It's my right. I don't think it would bother him. I think it would hurt him more than anything that I can't start giving him small chances to proove himself.

This weekend, my H and family, and his friend - yes, the cheating friend are going out on our boat. I do not want his OW on my boat. She has major issues, and I'm not ready to deal with those, on top of everything else I have to deal with. But me, being the nice person that I used to be, doesn't want to have to make H tell his friend that he can't go if the OW goes. You know, this is MY TIME with MY H and FAMILY. I'm not going to let them take that away from us. I don't want her going. Period.

Thanks for listening. It helps to know that there are people who have walked in these shoes, and care enough about others to try and help them get through. I am a runner, and I used to say that you'll never find a better group of people to associate yourself with, but I think I've found their competition here. Thank you.
HAS

I hope today is a better day, than last night was a night. I told my H that his friend's OW is not allowed on our boat. We have enough issues of our own to deal with, much less inviting more to come along! He said he felt the same way, and I was relieved.

He made it home in very respectable time, at a very respectable hour. I was glad to see him. I was really hoping to be able to talk with him in greater detail when he got in. I wanted to tell him all about this MB site, and how good it has been for me to have "someone" to know what I have gone through and be able to offer suggestions, advice and opinions. Just "someone" to ask questions to. "Someone" to tell my story to. "Someone" to be on my side, and offer hope. Instead, we made our peace about the friends's OW, and he went to our bedroom to watch TV. Maybe I should have said, "hey, we need to talk." I realize that they are not mindreaders. Would it be so hard for them to initiate a conversation about this whole ordeal every once in a while? Why am I always the one that has to go to him? I know he has told me before that he doesn't want to bring it up becuase he doesn't want to hurt me anymore than he already has, but I told him that I need him to sometimes. I need to know what he's thinking and feeling too. He'll only open up when I initiate the conversation. I guess I should just be thankful that he will open up period, but at times, I feel like this healing is one sided.

Maybe today or tonight we'll get that conversation in? I know it is suggested that we have at least 15 hours of alone time together. I would love to find that 15 hours, and I am going to work on a plan to make it happen. Any advice on including my H in on those plans of getting 15 hours a week together? I think it will kind of surprise him a bit, because he'll wonder where those hours are supposed to come from with all we are involved in. We've got to make it happen though. I feel like every week that we're out from DD, them importance of communication seems less and less important to my H. I need a plan, and I need my H to help me devise the plan.
HAS

Has, just keep reading and learning here. I didn't even follow the MB plan to the letter, but still got through it all. You are still early in this rollercoaster, but it does get better if you stick at it. It seemed as if my whole days were spent crying at one point.

Take care.

Has I can realte to you...as me and my h are going thru a similiar situation. My emotions are all over the place...not to mention the sickening feeling in my stomach. My h is the same why does not like to open up unless i force him too. This all started with us about 1 month ago.. for 1 week he left...then on his own came home..and the emotional roaler coaster started...there were night when i just cried and screamed at him...I have more control over my emotions now but it is still a struggle...becasue it is always on my mind...what is he doing...as he works with the woman i suspect something happened with to what I dont know ....he states nothing happened but 1 phone call and they hung together with another male friend......

Is there a way you can go to the bookstore today and buy the book Surviving an Affair? It really answers a lot of your guestions on trust. It also talks about the 15 hours a week. You can often find them at Christian bookstores.

Your husband sounds a lot like mine. He was genuinely sorry about the A, but didn't want to talk about it. He said he had hurt me enough and didn't want to hurt my by talking about it. He did answer all the questions I had,m though. He just never brought it up and still doesn't.

One of the things I realized and he didn't was this was new and news to me, he had had a long time to adjust to the situation. He seemed to be much further ahead of me in recovery because it was all still new raw to me.

Now as for that 15 hours, what were you doing while he went to your room to watch tv? Some of our 15 hours is spent watching tv together. We talk about the show, etc.

I wish that he would find a new friend. I do not see this man as being a friend to your marriage. Maybe you could engage your husband into doing more and more activities with you and less with this friend. Can you get a sitter and meet him for lunch? A dinner out?

As for your plan and getting him to help devise it. I suggest reading Surviving an Affair together. Then take the Emotional Needs survey. I made us each a list of the other's top 5 needs. I emailed it them to my husband so he would be reminded <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We started out talking about them at the end of every week. We do it more like once a month now. This helps us both know where we are and where our relationship is.

I am going today to buy the book! Thanks! It sounds as if our H are very similar. Mine too, feels as if he has already hurt me enough, and doesn't want to cause more pain.

I never put the whole "time for recovery" into consideration, but you are right. He had already started changing and healing before I had found out. He has had more time to face this demon than I have.

I was in the bathtub when he went to watch tv. I kind of had hoped he would have stayed in there and talked to me. I guess he was probably tired - I don't know. I'm tired too - of feeling like this.

I agree, I wish he could ditch the friend. Honestly though, my H is the ONLY friend he has becuase his W was so controlling. I don't think my H should ditch his friend in his time of need, but I also sort of resent the fact that I need him, more than ever right now, and our M needs him to give it and me 100% of his healing energy right now. I think part of my H uses his friend's disaster relationship as an example of what not to do, but it doesn't change the fact that I need him, and I should be the most important relationship right now.

I hope that I am able to convince him to read the book with me. I should be able to, although he's not much of a reader.
Thanks for the advice!
HAS

I read the book to my husband- while he drove us on a trip - Captive audience, ya know?

Has,
I told you something earlier about you and your husband not being on the same time line for recovery. I have to tell you something funny that happened today that really drove that home for me.

Tonight my husband was getting ready to go to his softball game. I am going in a bit (he is a little ocd about being early - I am not <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ) Anyway, he said I didn't have to go as it was going to be really hot. I told him there was nothing I would rather do. He said I didn't have to. We have had a LONG running joke, long before the A, about his girlfriend being somewhere so I wouldn't go. Believe me for the last two years I have not used that joke. Anyway I did tonight.

I Said not if you other girlfriend is going to be there. He said nope, not tonight. I then said well when was she there? He thought and said about 30 years ago, maybe a little less. Ok - good answer.

So then I was really pushing it and asked him when the last time she emailed was. He said 3, no probably 4 years ago. I started laughing as it has been 2 years.

Then we talked about how I knew the date and exactly how long ago. He said for him he never thinks about her unless I bring her up and he never thinks about the date or the anniversary of anything with her.

I just thought it was funny since we had talked about the timeline in recovery and the differences.

Did you get the book today?

Hi moveforward,

I looked all over online, and even called every bookstore here in town, but none of them had them in stock. So, I decided to order them off of this site!! They said it only takes 2-3 business days to ship - which is perfect!! We are going to the lake this weekend, and I wouldn't have a chance to read on the boat, nor would he - we will have 4 kids on our boat, and 5 on the other. I will look forward to coming home to maybe my books being here! I ordered "Surviving and Affair" and "His Needs Her Needs."

You know, not only do our Hs sound a lot alike, but I think we have a lot in common as well! In my H line of work, he does have to interact with probably just as many women as men. To top it off, the women he does have to interact with need a little more patience and explaining to, so he probably tends to be a little "nicer" to them. Not saying that he isn't nice to the men, because he is a very nice and caring person. Anyway, I always used to joke about his "girlfriends." There were a few in particular that I would refer to in joking as his girlfriend. Sadly enough, the OW happened to be one of them. Now it doesn't seem so funny to me anymore. Maybe one day it will again.

I too, know a lot of the exact dates and times of his contacts with her. He on the otherhand, does not. In fact, when we were on vacation a couple of weeks ago, I think it was the first time that I let him know exactly how much I did know - giving dates and times of calls and texts, and this really effected him. It hurts me a lot, and it hurts him a lot, and we're both just trying to pull through.

As far as my H not thinking about her anymore, I don't think he's to that point becuase he tells me there isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't think about what he did. I can see our relationship being similar to you and your Hs in the fact that down the road, probably the only time he will think about her will be if I bring it up. I don't think he will ever just forget, nor will I, but that's life. He probably doesn't know exact dates, but I do. We've always been like that.

Last night we talked about his friend (the one who had an A) that he hangs out with a lot. He was so understanding when I explained to him that I feel like he is taking time away from healing our M when he's trying to be nice to him. Healing our M has to be his #1 priority right now, and by letting his friend "cry on his shoulder" he's taking away from me and our M. I think he now gets it, and maybe didn't realize in the past, that everytime he goes out with his friend, there is some sort of "trouble" or drama. He totally understood my point. He was also able to help me understand his side of it as well. This friend and my H have one huge common interest - Real Estate. This friend is my H ONLY friend he can relate to with regards to Real Estate. We have invested a lot in it lately, and his friend is the one who helped us get into all of it. It's major for us right now, as well as his friend, and he is the only one who understands my H when he needs advice, or a sounding board. I do see his side. I am willing to accept that because I know it is truthful. I hope my H walked away from it realizing that it's okay to have him as a friend, but maybe needs to be a little more careful in their choice of activities. I think that feeling like this friend was taking away our time caused me to resent that friend some, so hopefully I can let go of that resentment toward him.

I was having trouble figuring out why I feel like it is okay for my husband to engage in certain activities, and others, one in particular, I don't even want him to have anything to do with. I think I would be okay with activities such as sports, either playing or attending, fitness, classes, poker night with the guys, etc. But, the one that I have a lot of trouble with is going out to bars - for several reasons. When he gets into the bar scene, he becomes very irresponsible. Nine times out of ten, he overdoes the drinking (which I have also been guilty of - I'm not an angel either,) he gives into whims extremely too easy - such as other girls inviting him to dance and him not hesitating, driving or riding with someone who has had too much to drink. I don't trust him when he's drunk - at all. I have lost him in the bar before, only to find him on the dance floor - on more than one occasion. I don't trust all of the drunk women leaching on to vulnerable prey. Don't get me wrong, this is not a common occurance. We would go out maybe once a month. After DD, we have been out twice. First time - disaster. Second time - wonderful. He totally controlled his drinking, and therefore his actions, and we danced and had a really good time. I look forward to many more times like that with him. I believe that that environment can become very toxic, and hopefully we have learned to keep it in check.

My H brought up a very good point last night that I do agree with, and that's that in the past I have tended to not accept his need or want to hang out with the guys every once in awhile. He would always go, but I would be upset. My feeling was that I was jealous - I wanted to get out to. I stay at home with my 3 small children, and it was hard to swallow that. I do have friends that I do stuff with - go out to eat, BUNKO, etc. In the past, I didn't do much due to our circumstances - H working late and financial. If I wanted to go out, my H would have to turn dowm work, and I would spend money on dinner or whatever activity, and finances have always been tight. I always saw it as my sacrifice, but I realize that I was sacrificing more than an activity, or chance to get out. So, I plan to work on that a lot (as long as he chooses activities that aren't toxic to our relationship.)

Last night was good. We need more nights like those. We need to reconnnect and get back on the same page, keep the communication flowing, express our feelings, concerns, whatever. We're gonna make it! I couldn't imagine growing old with anyone else. I love him like no other. He is the love of my life.
has

My H and I had a great weekend together - except for one little glich, but we worked it out fine. We went to the lake on our boat which is one of my favorite things to do. Sometimes the constant demands of my three kids (I'm hungry, I'm thirsty, when can we get in the water? where are my goggles, where is my towel, put my life jacket on, take my life jacket off, I need to go to the bathroom, turn the radio station, turn it up, turn it down, etc...!!!! all either while we're trying to anchor down and tie up, or I finally get to sit for a minute) I love taking them, and I know they love going, and that they will have wonderful memories of all of us on our boat.

All I have to say is thank God the OW was never on our boat!! I love our boat so much that it's almost sacred ground to me! Especially now, I look SO forward to having a ton of great times with my H on it. It's almost like it's our escape, and it gives us time to work through things, and just be with each other - except when kids are there, then we have an audience! We do try and get a couple of adult only weekends in. I don't know how well I would handle knowing she was ever on our boat. I don't want reminders of her anywhere around me there. I was actually able to laugh at a dream I had the morning we were leaving to go to the lake. I dreamt that the OW was on our boat in MY bathing suit <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I told my H about it, and he laughed too! I don't understand why I constantly dream about it, or the OW, and I hope that dreams will die soon. The majority of the time, I don't let them bother me. I hope that as time goes on, they will bother me less and less.

I can't wait to see if my books come today! I feel like they will be full of healing advice, and I so desparately want to keep healing. I know what my H did will never be forgotten. I think that part of me will always hurt from it, but not as much as I do now. Although most of who I was is still the same, part of me will never be the same again. Sometimes all I want is the old me and the old us back, but obviously something went wrong there, so I realize that going backward is not the answer. I must live for the future, and deal with the cards I have been dealt. This past year and a half of my life has been extremely hard. As a child, the blows came hard as well, but nothing like these. I just want to take the right steps to make my future much better than my past. I know that the Lord will never give me more than I can handle, and that He is there in my times of need and deepest sorrow. I just wish that He didn't trust me with so much sometimes! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Even though my heart aches very badly as I write this, I do see the light, and I will work harder than ever to get there. I know my husband is willing to get us there too. I know there is still a lot of healing ahead, and pain to get through. I hope that I can come back to this site in a year, two years, ten years.. and tell my story, and say that I am healed, and maybe be able to help someone else. I do have a wonderful husband. He has been by my side helping me through all of this the whole way. He is truly sorry for what he has done, I know this. His words, his actions, his love, his patience, are all there. As he tells me sometimes when I question his motives, "if I didn't want to be here, I would walk. But here is where I want to be." He could have walked out on me, or just not come home on DD, but he didn't. I don't know what I would do without him right now. We've always said that we were meant to be together. He is the love of my life.