This topic gets discussed around this board often enough, but I wanted to get some opinions about how it's impacting my sitch.

A little background: WW and I are married 5+ years and have a son who's almost 5 now. WW has been involved in an affair with my cousin in Europe for 18 months now. I haven't gone to plan B for various reasons, and my sitch seems to have deteriorated as a result - go to B people!

Now the P/A stuff:

WW wants a divorce and blames me for preventing her moving in that direction. WW blames me for her unhappiness in general, and her depression despite the fact that she was depressed before I met her and has been for most of her life. She has been living in our finished basement/family room for about 10 months now. She has said on more than a few occassions that we are living like we are separated. From my perspective we aren't really - mostly due to expectations she places on me. There are no clear rules in our relationship now because of its somewhat nebulous status. I care about this woman and want to save my marriage, but I don't want to be taken advantage of. I choose to only do for her (and the relationship) what I am able to do without creating resentment in myself.

In my opinion WW watches me with the intention of finding ways to be slighted, maintaining an environment of hostility. The most recent situation goes something like this:

WW is a picky eater and very rarely eats with DS and I. She had an appointment this evening, so I picked up DS, we got haircuts and then went home and I cooked him dinner. When she got home she noted that I had only cooked for the two of us (not because there wasn't enough for her to eat, but because she chooses not to eat what we were eating. Earlier, when we had talked on the phone she had mentioned leftovers. I took this to mean that she was considering them an option for herself. She started talking about how she can't stand being treated like this, and that this was passive aggressive behavior on my part. Now, is it my responsibility to feed her? I'm not her father, in fact I'm barely her husband right now. Could I have planned better with her earlier in the day? Yes, but when I asked her about her thoughts she didn't give me anything. This was by no means an attack on her - there was no message behind it IMHO.

So, is the simple fact that she perceives my actions as somehow aggressive and punishing to her reason to worry about my motives? I honestly don't want to punish her, but I have deep feelings, and of course there's hostility from my end too. It's frustrating to have a label slapped on me (and he came from her shrink where I have no doubt I was being talked about). I intend to continue to focus on my actions, but I can't help noticing this real active victim mentality. Constant vigilance for wrongs against her.

Any thoughts?

Why aren't you in Plan B?

Ya know, MT, I wouldn't waste 2 more seconds trying to figure out the insane thought process of a fogged out, cake eating wayward who is in an affair. That is like trying to make sense out of the thinking of a falling down drunk; an exercise in futility for sure.

Haven't you had enough of this insanity yet? Isn't it time to step up to the plate and take some real action?

Check out this link:

http://www.angriesout.com/couples8.htm

MT....

In my experience, a P/A person is really good at turning stories around or leaving things out, to win favor with other people when discussing situations such as these.

I would have to hear your wife's side of the story too, in order to get a better picture to see if there was any P/A behavior in that situation.

However, like Melody was saying, you cannot reason with a wayward about most things anyway, so why bother with this?

I'm confused. Is your WW still wayward and living at your house? Or is she in Europe w/you cousin? Or what?

MT,

I am confused. Why are you putting yourself through this? What possible good can it serve to keep her around? Given that you are doing this as you are, what the heck are you doing worrying about what she thinks? You clearly don't care for her because you seem to be keeping her around to torture or something.

I am serious. YOu are the one with the power. You are the one that can solve this mess. You are the one that tolerates her, and then complains because she is who she is.

THis is NUTS. She is not passive agressive either. She is plainly stating what bugs her even if it is not logicall to you. You on the other hand seem to be sitting on your hands expecting something to change when NOTHING has changed. What is up with that?

Please think about this. The problem seems to be yours not hers.

God Bless,

JL

Ok, a couple of responses here:

ML: finances are an obstacle to plan b, as is my desire to remain 100% in my son's life. I have told my WW on countless occassions that if she wants to leave, I won't stop her. The door's wide open, but because she can't have everything the way she wants it, she perceives what she calls an absence of options. No real choice. Yes, I've had enough of this and I'm at the point where I need to take some real action steps. I know my WW's actions are not exactly healthy, and her judgment is suspect, but I don't want to discount it because it may provide me with insight that will aide my growth.

Slick50: I have read that page before, thanks, and though I didn't agree with or like all I read, I found it interesting.

Mopey: I get your point. WW is living w/me but in contact with OM via phone or email. No longer from my house though.

JL: I thank you for your candor and taking the time to respond here. I really think this statement is off base, and almost insulting:


First of all, I do care for her, I am not responsible for her feelings. I don't like that she's made herself so miserable, but that's not my job to solve. Secondly, I don't "keep her around". I do no keeping - we are both choosing to be where we are. I do no torturing. However, this is quite often her perspective, that I'm the one with the power to end her suffering and remove us both from this situation. My choice has been to wait this out and to do my best to keep myself open to reconciliation while keeping our son's best interests in mind. What's torture to her is not getting exactly what she wants, how and when she wants it.

Yes, I know I have power to solve this, but she has the very same power. I am not here complaining about who she is, even if I complain about what she's done. I have no problem with her stating what bugs her. I do have a different opinion about the options that leaves us. As for sitting on my hands expecting something to change, this fantasy relationship she has will eventually end, and in the mean time I'm doing what I can to learn from this situation, to grow as a person, and changing my communication habits to be far more direct. A lot has changed even if it doesn't appear so to you. As for "the problem seems to be yours not hers" - yes, I have problems that I'm addressing through this sitch. Her crisis brought about my own crisis, and we each have our own problems to solve through this.