Okay so I decided to quit having affairs. But sometimes I almost feel like changing my mind. I"m not saying I'm going to; I won't. But before I could escape my problems and feel better for a while. Now I have nothing to distract me, at least nothing that is as effective at distracting me and feel like I've just crashed. I don't know what to do with myself. Well that's not quite true. There are lots of boring but productive things I could do, but I don't feel like it. It doesn't help that my husband is away either.

Hi, Aph.

Do you not have any hobbies?

There is one thing you could start on right away, and that is to learn as much about affairs, and the Harley's plans for marriage and recovery as you can, and start helping others here.

There is a constant influx of new people desperate for some basic understanding.

If you want to make a project out of this, you will need to keep communications strictly public, and limit yourself to helping others appropriately apply Plan A/B, and provide them with some much needed support and comfort.

There is an idea for you to consider.

God bless,
Gimble

Aphrodite,

Just like some people use drugs or alchol to medicate themselves....you use affairs. Of course mundane things will not be a good substitute for the highs you get from affairs....this is true.

You need to figure out what you're medicating yourself from....as well as a new, healthy...but still exciting pasttimes that you can invest in. I suspect that you have very low self esteem and getting the kind of external reinforcement from other people is something you need....so you're going to have to find your internal strength.

I can think of some ways to help develop purpose, meaning, strength and spirit....and you might be surprised at the "high" you can get from it too:

*Help somebody else.*

Take the focus off of you and give your time and energy to people who have nothing.

It will give you an appreciation for how good your life is, and make sabotaging it all the more tragic.

Affairs are selfish acts no matter why you use them....so reaching out is the cure for selfishness. You've got to raise your consciousness so that you can learn positive coping mechanisms for loneliness, fear, shame, insecurity. We all feel those things....but some of us were never taught productive ways to deal with those feelings.

Spirituality is another way of raising consciousness and feeling good. Explore this powerful side of your life.

Exercise is known to release endorphins and what is good for body, is also good for your state of mind.

The world doesn't revolve around you and your boredom. You don't need a "distraction" you need a "direction". You can't find your worth outside of who you are. Find a new focus instead of a hedonistic distraction.

How meaningful is YOUR life?

Aph,

There's two ways to escape problems and feel better. One way is to use something to take your mind off of problems for a while (distraction). The other way, is to focus on, and solve your problems...that way....you don't just feel better for a while....you really ARE better. Again....the last thing you need is another distraction. You don't need anything to interfere with your focus.

What ARE these problems that you need distraction from?

Okay so I decided to quit drinking.

But sometimes I almost feel like changing my mind.

I"m not saying I'm going to; I won't.

But before, while drinking, I could escape my problems and feel better for a while.

Now I have nothing to distract me, at least nothing that is as effective as drinking at distracting me and feel like I've just crashed.

I don't know what to do with myself.

Well that's not quite true.

There are lots of boring but productive things I could do, but I don't feel like it.

It doesn't help that my husband is away either.

[b]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

can you see it more clearly if we change the substance?

Thanks, all!

Well I do spend quite a bit of time here and in reading marriage books and thinking about how to fix things, but that just makes me depressed because I can't really DO anything about my marital problems right this instant. He wants to stay distant until he finds a job. So I have to wait to apply most of what I'm reading, and I'm not good at waiting. And I do respond to other people's posts when I think I can help. I think sometimes I"m obsessing over marriage stuff too much, though, at a time when I can't really DO anything. I agree I should spend SOME time doing these things but I don't seem to be having much fun lately.

And I do run a very small charity organization but it does not take up much time. About once or twice a month I deposit donations in the bank or transfer them from PayPal, then withdraw them in cash and then send money via Western Union. Sometimes I read and respond to messages from other volunteers online. I suppose I could start lighting a fire under the people responsible for recruiting and fundraising, though.

I have firm opinions regarding spirituality and religion and I have a coherent worldview I'm happy with. So I don't need to explore that further. (And no, nothing about it justifies affairs. I started them knowing it was wrong even according to my own standards.)

Exercise is actually a very good idea. I'm too fat anyway. That's not a put-down; it's just a fact. I lost a bunch of weight but then stopped. So I really should take a walk or something or dance, I dunno. I'll figure it out.

Thanks, everybody.

Perfect advice.

I don't know your whole story, Aph, but I recognize what you're saying and feeling. I have an addictive personality and have used almost everything (except hard drugs, though I did try Cocaine once)... everything... to escape facing myself and feeling bad.

I am slowly giving up each addiction, (though I still struggle horribly with food), and I have learned to be honest with my doctor (I burst into tears the last time I was there), and I'm finally taking some medication for the depression and anxiety. Also, I'm learning to trust people I love to support me...

It is a process, for sure, after a lifetime of addictions and you'll need support (professional, if possible).

Seek help, Aph... begin with a visit to your doctor... one step at a time.

new_beginningII,

Thanks. I'm already seeing my doctor for depression and anxiety. I'm taking meds. They've recently been upped and I was doing fine on them, then started thinking too much about my marriage so this past few days, almost a week have been rough. Weird thing is, things have been better than usual with the conversations I have had with my husband lately so the timing of this latest mood swing doesn't make much sense. Oh, except....my wedding anniversary is six days from now. I'd like to do something special for him but I can't spend any money because that would just make him feel bad that we spent money. Maybe I'll use our card-making software and send him a card.

I'm suggesting you work on YOU...not your marriage.


You don't need his participation to work on your own issues. It might not be fun to begin with....but it is exciting once you get into it.


Sounds like a good thing to begin with. Healthy people learn how to delay gratification. Patience is an indisputably sign of maturity. As small children we find it almost impossible, but it's a necessary virtue as life becomes more and more complicated.


Please, please....don't be one of these people who asks for advice, and then dismisses every thing with: "I've tried that". "I do that". Look at deeper at these suggestions. I'm not suggesting you help people here on MB...or any kind of detached service. I think you need to get your hands dirty. Go build a house with Habitat for Humanity. When that house is built, it will give you a real rush. It's great for the soul. Or mentor a child. When you see first-hand the wonder....it will raise your own spirit. Serve dinner in a soup kitchen. Get up close and personal with REAL need....rather than stewing in your own boredom. Change from "running" a charity...to "being" truly charitable with more of who you are and what you can offer. Up the ante.


Good. Now perhaps you can concentrate on APPLYING that view to your life with more purpose.


Dance is a fabulous idea. I wonder if your husband would learn how to Samba with you?

Aph...

When will you and your husband be living together again? Once you are, is that a permanent arrangement, or will his job require you to be apart more? If so, a career change MUST happen or you MUST be able to travel with him...Without being TOGETHER, your marriage does NOT stand a chance...Might sound brutal, but make no mistake about it, it is the God's honest TRUTH!

Also, where are you on the issue of telling your husband about your affairs? You do understand that in order for the Marriage Builders program to work for you that you will have to do this, right?

Mrs. W

Mrs. Wondering,

We should be together in July, and it will be a permanent arrangement. I don't like being apart from him anyway. I agree that living together is necessary. This was a temporary solution to a temporary financial crisis.

I plan to tell him, just not until we are face-to-face and he no longer has to worry about job-hunting.