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Quick background for those who don't know. I've had affairs, I decided to stop, my husband is away right now and doesn't know, and I plan to tell him when we're face-to-face. I'm trying to come up with ideas for making things easier for him. So far I've grabbed relevant MB articles and printed them out and put them in a folder for him for latter. I also wrote a letter with all the details should he actually want all the details. I want to save the marriage and I did not wait until getting caught to quit. There must be some way to get that to work for us, right? An aside - I am very envious of FWW who did try to leave and whose husbands fought for the marriage. If that was me, I think my husband would have let me go <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> But getting back on topic, any other ideas to help him get through it when I do tell him?
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Just be honest and don't spin it. There is no excuse, you are deeply sorry, you let him choose what he wants to do. You let him vent.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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thanks, bigkahuna
will do
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I am wondering .... what would your emotional reaction be ~~~ if your H confesses he's also been Unfaithful in the marriage?
Have you considered that?
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Aph,
I wish I had the best words in the world for you, but I don't.
Honesty.
Come from a place of love.
Be prepared to tell him the answer to the question, "Why?", when he asks, because he probably will.
Let him know that it is 100% on you, and not his fault. He will be angry, hurt, and there's no telling what his initial reaction may be. Remember that his initial reaction is only that - and that his feelings can and will change like a rollercoaster right before your eyes. Tell him you are ready to help him and hold him, and tell him that the marriage can be saved.
Tell him to come here.
When he's ready.
Give him the time to grieve that he needs, because he will be aching in a way that you cannot know.
Be prepared for the worst and hope for the best.
Above all, don't back away from the truth - no matter how hard it may be for you, no matter how much you believe it may hurt him more, no matter how much you think it will push him further away. He deserves the truth about his life and marriage, so he can make decisions for himself. But be sure that the truth is given to him with a health dose of loving kindness, and not in any other way. Remember that through the whole night - no matter what else happens, he deserves to be loved through this event in his life, regardless of your "reasons" for the affairs, his part in the state of the marriage, all the rest. Love him through this most difficult day of his life.
He deserves that from you.
And yes, Pep may be right about his having affairs. If that's the case, then both of you may need to be here, and calling the Harleys.
Good luck to you. I hope your strength and love holds both of you up through this difficult time.
SB
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First Aph, I want to second what BK said, you tell your BH EVERYTHING and you MOST DEFINITELY answer any and all of his questions...Complete Honesty...And yes, it will be his decision about whether or not to stay...Remember, you've been making decisions about his life for a long time now without his consent...That's a BIG DEAL...I think you'd be wise to acknowledge that and sincerely apologize... Think about what Pep asked you-Number one, because, of course, it could be true, and number two...Empathy...Try as hard as you can to place yourself in your BH's position...think of all you disregarded about him...his emotional health...his physical health (STD's and even suicide)...the lack of respect...the thumbing your nose at your vows to him as well as your covenant with God...Think of the humiliation factor...Oh man, all this is a HUGE can of worms...There is so much to consider...Empathy will bring you further from guilt (a selfish emotion) and closer to the true remorse your husband will need from you for his healing... Dr. Harley likens infidelity to rape or the loss of a child...It is that BIG...It is the most devastating thing that you can do to another person...Do all that you can to try and understand this... An aside - I am very envious of FWW who did try to leave and whose husbands fought for the marriage. If that was me, I think my husband would have let me go I am one of those FWWs...I just wanted to let you that I understand your feelings on this, but also to point out to you that it is a disrespectful judgement that you are making about your husband...This feeling that you have is about YOUR own self esteem issues...explore those and begin to heal yourself...Just wanted to say "I Know and I Understand"...I have even told Mr. W that before he "Plan A'ed" me that I never really believed he loved me...But that was MINE to own, certainly not because he didn't show me in many, many ways...I just chose not to see them... Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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Pepperband,
then I would have a lot of questions as to why he could have orgasms with her and not me (and not by himself either). But if that were not a problem...
A couple of months ago I would have said, woo-hoo maybe I can convince him to have an open marriage! But I wouldn't want that if it just created greater (emotional) distance between us. So I would be worried. I would not be furious, though, because I did the same and we are apart, after all. Of course if he said he loved her or was leaving me for her, then it would be different. That would crush me.
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Thanks schoolbus and Mrs.Wondering.
I don't know if it's a disrespectful judgement or not, but he seems to deal with every marital problem by threatening to divorce me. He did it tonight as well and I talked about that in a thread over in the Resolving Conflicts forum. I've gone from the depths of despair to rolling my eyes, which I guess in a way is an improvement of sorts.
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I don't understand why a guy threatens to divorce every time there is a conflict. That sounds controlling to me.
That has nothing to do with exposing your affairs. It is just a side issue of sorts.
I will say that my wife and I both play that game, but neither of us is serious. When we reach an impasse where we do not have the tools to continue a hot discussion. one or the other might say, "Just divorce me." That doesn't mean go divorce me, it means we have run out of the emotional energy to continue the discussion/heated argument.
Maybe it isn't the smartest thing for us to say, but it happens.
Larry
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I'm praying for you Aph. Glad you're posting on GQII and other places. It might be good to keep deep stuff on one thread, though.
Ace
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Let him know about this place and how it helps the BS. He will need it.
best of luck
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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Hey M2L,
Good to see you. Do you have a recovery thread about your success and progress?
Sorry for the TJ, Aph.
Ace
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I don't understand why a guy threatens to divorce every time there is a conflict. That sounds controlling to me.
Larry Larry, things he has told me before suggest he has three fears, 1- that he'll get so mad he'll have a heart attack or similar catastrophic medical condition and 2- that he'll be stuck with a "crazy" wife who is always making him mad. 3-That he'll get so mad he'll do something that would make ME want to leave. As for #2 - what he doesn't realize is that even the sanest woman would go crazy if her husband was always threatening divorce <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> But I have another thread on that.
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Aphrodite said: I'm responding to many people here, forgive me but I don't remember who said what...
>For me, there were four people involved. Me, my H, the OM >and the OM's wife. NOT just a married couple.
Ah, well that makes a difference because a monogamous couple was involved.
----
If adultery is simply sex with someone other than one's spouse, then I'd say that without an expectation of monogamy there is nothing wrong with adultery per se. Suppose you became paralyzed and couldn't have sex. Would you really be cruel enough to expect your husband to go without? I sure wouldn't.
What I did wrong was break a promise to my husband then lie to cover it up and not tell him. Simply having sex outside marriage is not necessarily wrong. It depends on the marriage.
-----
As for the effect on children, if there is no expectation of monogamy in the relationship, then there are no ill effects on the children because there is no promise breaking, no lying, no sneaking around. And if I had an open marriage I would not be embarrassed if other people knew because I wouldn't be doing anything wrong. I personally know someone who was raised by parents who had an open relationship and he was not hurt by it at all. He's fine with it, in fact.And they never kept it from him either. It wasn't a dirty little secret, it was just a different subculture. And he's fine with it. Never had a problem with it.
And what would be the point of marriage without sexual exclusivity? Isn't it obvious? Lifelong companionship. Some people believe that exclusivity gets in the way of lifelong companionship because spouses will sometimes get divorced to be with someone else. With an open marriage you eliminate that risk. I understand that most people consider the risk worth it, but some don't.
About sin -- not everyone is Christian or Jewish or Muslim. People have no obligation to follow the dictates of someone else's religion.
As for my screen name - come on, it's Aphrodite! (In Rome, she was Venus) Goddess of love. Who wouldn't want to be the goddess of love? So what if the ancient Greeks had temple prostitutes. Every day of the week and most planets in our solar system are named after Greek gods for crying out loud. Are you petitioning to have the days of the week renamed too? Ooohhh..better not do anything on Wednesday! That's Woden's day!
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pio, oh sorry....Miss "the hand,"
What does my post from another thread about swingers have to do with this one? I've never actually been a swinger myself, nor was I arguing it was a good idea. (Failure to throw stones at someone is not the same as encouraging others to emulate their actions.) If you had opened your EYES you would have seen I was arguing against deception, not against monogamy.
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Aph, here's the thing. Your posts on the other thread showed a very foggy attitude.
If you were in a "normal" place right now you would feel the same as the rest of us about open marriages. I'm in a place where I HAVE to throw stones at people who have no idea what a committed relationship is. Star*fish's post was brilliant.
Believe it or not, I do understand you. I've been in a deceptive A. I was in a deceptive A for 18 months but I still have extremely strong negative feelings about open marriages. I never wanted one, I don't understand how anyone could want one. I just have to leave it to Star*fish again. She said everything I wanted to say.
Aph, if you can be completely honest with your H you have the chance of a real partnership with your H. If you can't even see what fulfilling, exciting, comfortable family life and love is like you need to think about it.
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KiwiJ,
Why are you wasting your breath ... er ... fingernails? This is a person who was bored so started cheating and then got bored with cheating. Fidelity will be her latest lark. And it won't last either once she gets bored with that. This is all a game. And you are taking it seriously? Get real. Don't you recognize a troll when you see one? She is having you on.
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I dunno Pio - she's foggy for sure but I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. She has come a long way in the time she has been here. I have high hopes for her.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Well glory be. I have to disagree. This is a game she is playing. She was bored. This is fun. Eventually she'll get bored with it too.
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Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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