Hi all,

My husband has a pattern of threatening divorce. I always took him seriously - sometimes getting nearly suicidal - but not this time because it's happened too many times before, and always for a different reason.

I admit I did mess up, but he didn't give me much choice. Here's what happened...

We've been spending hundreds of dollars in storage fees that we really can't afford to spend. Some of it is stuff from when we lived in a bigger place, some of it is from an old business he used to own, and some of it was inherited from his parents when they died. My husband is a MAJOR pack rat to begin with, but his parents stuff he gets really emotional over...and it's not just memorabilia, either. After much nagging, he got rid of some stuff but it didn't help much. All attempts to discuss this with him rationally led to him leaving the house, having angry outbursts, accusing me of not caring about his feelings, even threats of divorce.

Well, sometime back in October we got into a huge fight because I said we can't afford another child and maybe never will. Well he got really upset and threatened divorce because he's older than me and doesn't want to wait much longer for a child. I finally got him to agree to a year of trying to improve our financial situation and if things improved we could get pregnant.

Well he let me empty out one storage unit (we've been living apart this year because he has a job out of state) but that just saved us $60. He kept insisting that another I wanted to empty out couldn't be emptied out. More emotional outbursts. Well I thought, this is ridiculous. We can't afford another kid if we are paying this much in storage fees.

So I decided to empty out another storage unit without telling him. I sorted through everything, was very careful to keep any memorabilia, sold what I could, gave some to charity, called a professional junk removal service to haul other stuff away and the rest I crammed into another storage unit we have.

We were talking about bills on the phone today and he brought up the fee for the storage unit I got rid of. I told him we didn't need to worry about it anymore and told him why. He got upset, said he couldn't trust me and that he was "done" and hung up the phone on me. Well, I've heard that before. So I'm not scared of that anymore, but I'm wondering how I can get him to stop these childish threats.

For the current crisis, I've decided to give him time to cool down, apologize for keeping this from him and explaining the catch-22 he put me in. I also think I should call him out on these repeated threats. How exactly should I handle that? Anybody got any ideas?

Hi Aphrodite,
Just wanted to start off by telling you. I am sorry that you are going thru this stage in your marriage. But i can to relate to what you are going thru.

Unfortunately in my case i was the one who was saying this to my W. Every time i would get mad or didn't agree with something. I would tell her that i was going to leave.Or i wanted her to leave or i wanted a divorce.

Then she gave me a choice either i change or she leaves. But in goes more in depth than just what i told you.There is alot other things that i did to lead up to this.

But not to bore you but i actually stumbled upon this web site. And i have come to learn so much this site/forum.it has been really helpful.

I came to realize from a post that i read from someone else.That you should not bring up something that you are not truly going to do.And since i do not really want a divorce i will not say something that i am not prepared to do.
Also on my part it was an act of immaturity. I was so blind i had cause alot of problems in my marriage. Most of them due to me.

I have not been married that long. But in just the short time that i have been looking thru post and so forth. I saw alot of subjects that i need to change.

Have you told him how it made you feel? Does he say it alot?Also maybe you should bring up to him. But good luck hope to hear from you soon.

angel,

Thanks. I have not told him the full extent of what I went through because I did get so depressed I had suicidal thoughts. I don't think I would have done it, though. But I didn't want him to feel like he HAD to stay to keep me alive. But now that I'm not reacting that way anymore...because the jig is up and I know what he's doing...I think I will tell him how it used to make me feel and that I think this is a pattern of his that is not good for us.

welcome any time. I am happy that i could help. If only i had the answers to my own problems. And as far as suicidal thoughts. Ive been there before. But god put everyone here for a reason. Even if i do not know my reason now. Hopefully one day i will find out. But first you should start living for you self. Then the rest will come in time.

That just alone thoes words divorce is like a knife thru the heart. But the instinct of me just saying things before actually thinking about them has affected my marrige. I didnt say that i wanted a divorce alot. But what i am trying to tell you is. Instincts happen and then they become habits. Which in my case and your husbands case a cycle starts. Cause your use to it. It becomes fimilar so you feel comfortable saying these things.But words hurt. But its a cycle that can be broken. And I have realized that hopefully its not to late to fix my mistakes.I mean she can forgive me. But if he truly does love you he can change that bad habit. And yes it is not a good pattern.
good luck

Well, I sent him an email after waiting a day for him to cool down. A day and a half letter he replies, says he's too angry to read my email and I should just get a job. That's so funny because like I told him, all he had to do was say so. I just needed to know where to look so we don't end up in different states again and now I know. It was also funny because from the context of that email it was obvious that he was reacting as if he hadn't said anything at all about a divorce. I said since he didn't read my last email I had one other thing to say and I reiterated my thoughts on the divorce threats. So I feel better now, even though he's still angry. He'll get over it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am happy to hear that you expressed your feelings to him. And as far as your hb acting like nothing ever happened. I did that also. But you cannot realize what you have done. If you are to blind to open your eyes.

Dear Aphrodite,

I read your first post, and wow, I will attempt to be kind here, but you are likely abusing your husband.

"...accusing me of not caring about his feelings"

Yes, it totally sounds like you don't care about his feelings, and he has a right to them.

"...and if things improved we could get pregnant."
Either make a plan for things to improve and put it into action or don't. The "IF" is completely inappropriate.

"Well I thought, this is ridiculous. We can't afford another kid if we are paying this much in storage fees."
---X=Y = 1 = Cow.

You can afford 10 more storage bins and a bigger house, if you just start supporting your husband and validating his feelings and understanding what it takes for the "woman to make the man" and vice versa. You could read Napoleon Hill's book "Think and Grow Rich" and read the section about how a good relationship can make a man flourish.

I realize that I'm making some assumptions with my reply, but it sounds like you are being very selfish and inconsiderate, and if you would take the time to truly understand your husband, things would turn around for you.

"So I decided to empty out another storage unit without telling him."
That is so incredibly obnoxious and rude of you, you should be on your hands and knees in gratitude that a man would stay married to you...and guess what...I bet your husband will stay married to you. But my guess is that if you don't recognize that YOU are a big big part of the problem, he will actually divorce you and feel much better about himself as a result.

"...I can get him to stop these childish threats."
His threats are not "childish." You are belittling him...again..and likely...as USUAL.

How awful.

I'm glad I read this, because it makes me think that my own problems aren't as bad, because my wife is at least not as disrespectful as you have presented yourself to be in this post.

I urge you to read as much as you can about "abusive behavior" online, and then eliminate those behaviors from your own character. I also urge you to read about how you can be the kind of woman that a husband would love to build 50 houses for...build bridges and own 10 storage units, and take you on trips, and love you till you can't be loved anymore.

Sincerely,
D--

PS -- Love love love YOURSELF, Aphrodite...I just noticed you mentioned suicide. Dear dear person...you'll be fine...there are some tough truths in my post. Hang in there!

D,

Abuse? LOL! You must be some sort of woman-hater.

I don't know about you, but money where I live does not grow on trees. We were temporarily homeless for a month and had to stay with friends because we couldn't afford the rent at the last place we lived (but we WOULD have been able to if we were not paying storage fees!) My husband is still living with friends and has been for nearly a year because we can't afford to pay for two different residences. But you know what? If we weren't paying $500 a month in storage, he would have his own place. (He's working a contract job out of state until July.)

>"...and if things improved we could get pregnant."
>Either make a plan for things to improve and put it into >action or don't. The "IF" is completely inappropriate.

The if part is not entirely up to me. He has to find a new job before his contract is up or we won't have enough money to raise another child. And I'm not selfish enough to bring a child into the world that I can't afford to take care of properly.

"Validating my husband's feelings" is not going to make employers interested in his resume. I understand his feelings about memorabilia so I kept all that stuff. But 10 office desks and equipment from an old business he'll never use again and 2 refrigerators that haven't been turned on in years? A huge pile of garden tools that were old and rusted? Half-filled boxes of old bills and junk mail? Empty boxes? Boxes and boxes of purchase orders from his old business? How am I supposed to "validate" his feeling that he can't decide between that crap and his family?

Even if we did get rich, I still wouldn't want to waste money on storage rentals. Everything in storage depreciates in value overtime. It's throwing money in a hole. We may as well take a big pile of money and burn it.

And yes, the habit of threatening divorce every time there is a problem IS childish and even HE realized that because he stopped doing it once I called him on it. And that's not belittling HIM, it's belittling behavior that any sane spouse would find totally unacceptable.

I feel sorry for your wife because apparently if she's ever displeased with something you do wrong she'll be pegged as "disrespectful" and you'll threaten her with divorce, because after all according to you there's nothing wrong with that.

And although I violated POJA by emptying out one of our many storage units, he violated POJA when he refused to do that himself many years ago. I never agreed to spend that much money on storage fees in the first place. The decision about what to do with that stuff should have been a JOINT decision but he refused to find a solution we could both be happy with.

i agree that it is not abuse. But money does not grow on trees. Cause where i live everything is over priced in general.I feel that now matter what his spouce and kids should come first. Even i neglected that for a little while but i realized what i was doing wrong and fixed it. And currently am still in the process of it. no child should be just brought into this world if the kid cannot be properly supported.He should just keep all of his famliy's stuff and throw everything that he is not going to ever use away. Then maybe you could have another kid. And i not trying to be funny but if you are considering throwing money into a pile and burn it. Can i have half?
j/p
I also must agree that it is childish to keep threating divorce. I was doing that and i realized that it is not right. Cause if you do that it does not give your spouce. Security and plus i would not like it she said that stuff to me.

Money is very easy to obtain. You are wrong about money. You calling me "some sort of woman-hater" is abusive.

I think you are contributing greatly to the problems in your life. You are speaking from a scarcity mentality, and until you change that, you will have scarcity.

"Validating my husband's feelings" is not going to make employers interested in his resume.

Yes it is, and your seething negativity is preventing you from seeing that. Wow. It's uncomfortable just posting here.

How am I supposed to "validate" his feeling that he can't decide between that crap and his family?

Have you ever even asked him how he feels about that stuff and what it means to him? And if you have, do you just start preaching and telling him that his feelings are inappropriate or stupid. God, my heart goes out to you and your poor, unfortunate husband.

I happen to have a money tree, and I can pluck as much money from it whenever I want. Also, it wasn't given to me, I planeted it. I tended it. I watered it and sheltered it when there was an early frost. Now, I have a money tree. And yes, money does grow on trees for me, and it can for you too.

There are 9 months of pregnancy, if that doesn't give you enough time to prepare financially, I feel you live in some kind of self-imposed prison. 9 months. Geeze. You can build entire businesses in that amount of time...in your spare time.

Aphaeresis I definitely feel for you. My W is a major packrat and it has caused us serious relationship problems. I have refused to pay for storage though because our problem isn't a lack of space, its too damn much stuff - most of it useless, untouched for years, stored in the garage, basement, closets, every drawer, cupboard and virtually every horizontal surface in the house cluttered or piled with stuff. I despise this so much that I can only conclude that crap is more important to her than our relationship.

If you and your H have financial troubles and are spending $500 per month on storage something is VERY wrong - that is truly sick. That could be a house payment!

Both your H and my W are pathologically addicted to material things - they need professional help.

As for you D-- I don't know what goofy world you live in or whose multi level marketing scam koolaid you are drinking. If money was that easy to obtain there would be no poverty. Having a positive outlook is important but it isn't magic. If you have had good luck in life then count your blessings and cut some slack for people who haven't. Or offer up actual advice instead of meaningless drivel like "I have a money tree I can pluck as much money from it as I want". What a load of crap.

Why don't you try one of the many B.S. Money-making crapola tactics online?

Things like:
* affirmations
* the science of getting rich (James Allen, Napoleon Hill, etc. etc. etc.)
* affirmations
* learning how to change your reality
or maybe:
* affirmations

"If money was that easy to obtain there would be no poverty."

Just because something is easy, doesn't mean that everyone is doing it. Also, it doesn't mean that there isn't someone preventing you from doing it. Another thing is: "how can people do something they don't know how to do?" Sure, opening a bottle of wine is easy, but why don't you give that bottle to someone who's never even seen a bottle opener before?

Getting the picture?

New age koolaid...slurp it down folks...don't get lost though. If it don't hurt and it works, use it.

How about this for a start:

www.milliondollarbookshelf.com

I put affirmations up there 3 times, because it's ridiculous how well they've worked for me with regard to money. You need to find your own path, and I find it important to find info that doesn't seem like a load of crap to you.

Hmm...maybe I'll apply the affirmations thing to my marriage.