I pretty much feel dead inside right now. She admitted to the affair and it was far worse than I thought it was. It happened about 2 years ago. It started as an EA and turned into a PA. It was with a partner at the law firm she works at. She was a 2nd year law student at the time and got an internship at the firm. (Ironically one of the areas of law the OM practices is sexual harassment.) She says the affair only lasted about 6 months. I dint know if I believe her (not that I trust her about anything right now). I knew something was up at the time and confronted her about it. She of course denied everything and said that he was just a friend. The only real evidence I had was the cell phone bill so I didn't pursue it any more. Fast forward two years to yesterday and I finally told her I need 100% honesty from her or I will never be able to get over it. At first she said it was only a close friendship. Eventually she said that it was only emotional and that they loved each other but it wasn't physical. I didn't believe that for a second. Finally a few hours later she admitted that it was physical too.

Part of me wants to try to forgive her and work this out. Another part of me is literally sick that I would even contemplate forgiving her. My head is spinning just how deep her deception went. I know that she was in the 'fog' during the affair, but how could she do something that would hurt me so completely? I want to cry but all I feel is emptiness.

We've been together for almost 10 years but we only got married 2 months ago. I dint know if I have the strength to save this marriage.

(((((Itadam))))

I'm so sorry that you are here and in so much pain...what you are feeling is normal...

have you been here long, lurking? You should read everything that you can here, all of the articles and order Surviving An Affair, not to mention His Needs/Her Needs!

Please know this, and I know it's hard to understand but this A was not about hurting you, It's an effect of her horrible choices...this was a selfish act on her part...completely about her...

Once again, I'm SOOO sorry for your pain and hurt, you can do this!

Thanks for the support Strivn4Better. I've been lurking here for about a week. I've read a lot of posts in the various forums, but I haven't read the articles yet. I'll read them as time permits.

I know I never would have gotten the truth from the WW had I not found this forum. I just don't know what to do next. I can barely look at her with out feeling sick to my stomach. Is it wrong that I hate her right now?

Sorry you are going thru this.

Take a breath and calm down, your M is not over. You're world was just blown up in your face and you will need tools to help you out. We will help you with the tools and help that you need. Trust us - we know your pain.

The weekends are a little slow here so spend your time reading all you can that Dr. Harley wrote at the top of the site.

Try to eat and get some sleep.

You sitch is the same as many here that have go on to live a happy life and M.

You can do this

I don't think that it's wrong, it's your emotion right now...I hated PODS (pile of dog chit) fro some time after D-day....

I can remember yelling at him over the phone "I hate you! I hate you!" over and over again...but that wasn't the right thing to do according to MB...really bad move on my part...LOL :0

What you need to do it try really hard to focus on yourself and pull yourself together? I understand that THIS WILL BE hard to do, but you need to PLan A...

Plan A is about becoming the best person that you can possibly become! This is about meeting WW's needs! I strongly recommend Bug's thread, she is doing one AWESOME, and I do mean AWESOME job of Plan A...

You can make it through this...the pain will subside and you will be in a better place...

Remember to take deep breathes...LOL...sometihing "I" still have to remember...when you post, do like you did in the last one...break your paragraphs into small parts...easier to read and you will have more people post to you...

Also, on the weekends is pretty slow around here...so just bare with us...

Take care of yourself...I know that it's hard right now, but remember to eat...if only a little at a time...just something...and rest! Exercise is great to do right now too!

YOU CAN AND WILL GET THROUGH THIS!

I actually did plan A (or some variation of it) for the last year and a half. Of course I only found this website a week ago so I didn't know it was called plan A.

On a lot of levels it worked and we were for the most part happy. I could feel that we were 'connected' again. That is the only reason I want to believe her when she tells me the A is over.

On the other hand she has lied and deceived me so much that I don't know if I can ever trust her again. How do I know if the M is worth saving?

She begged me not to leave her, but the thought of them together makes me want to vomit.

Sweetie, this is something ONLY YOU CAN determine...

You need to figure out what you need to stay in the M? Does OM still work with her?

What are the deal breakers for you?

This feeling about wanting to vomit is ALSO normal right now...

What is she willing to do to help you get through this? SO, she has a fear of abandonment? What about MC (marriage counseling)? IC (individual)? What would it take for you to set the record straight? You really need to focus on what you need.

Recovery is a hard road! I think for me, the A, wasn't as hard as all of the lies and the deception. Please read the articles...alot of your answers will be found there...

You will heal, but the process is slow!

lta ~

Does your W and the OM still work together? There must be NO CONTACT between them, ever. That will keep her in some form of wayward mentality and a state of fogginess.

She must commit to NC ever again.

And yes, it is normal for you to feel that you hate her, and for you to feel sick to your stomach...most of us have been on some form or another of the Infidelity Diet. I was vomiting on dday #1.

You are going to be on a total emotional roller coaster, and that is normal as well. Like someone else said, remember to eat, try to get some sleep, and exercise if you can. Also, anti-depressants have been a lifesaver for many of us.

Stick around here, you will get a ton of support and encouragement. It will be slow over the weekend, so do as much reading on the site as you can over the next few days.

Hang in there, we have all been where you are now, and it sucks. Many of us are doing much better, certainly in part to these awesome boards.

(((lta)))

Thanks for the support every body. It means a lot to me.

Yes the WW and OM (married 2 kids by the way) still work together. She told me that the only contact they have is purely business now. Obviously I have no way of knowing if she is telling the truth or not.

If we decide to work this M out we will be moving in the next few months. I want to expose the A to the OMW but it is purely out of spite. I just want his life to be as miserable as mine.

I wish I didnt love my WW. I want to just tell her the hatefull things I feel about her and never see her again. I dont think that is the answer though.

Thanks again for the support and for letting me vent a little.

-lta

You should expose to the OMW but not for spite- because she deserves to know.

She needs to quit her job and move now - not in a few months.,

Don't tell her the hateful things. It helped me to write everything down- journal sort of. I wrote letters to my FWH and the OW- I did not mail them, but it did help me process.

Hang in there

Vent all you want HERE!!!! Not on her! You DO NOT WANT any angry outbursts (AO), love busting (LB), or selfish demands (SD), this is all part of PLan A...winning her love and affection back! Working towards an A proof M...

You mentioned moving...out of the city you are in?

And what you are feeling right not is withdrawal...it's a stage of marriage...DO NOT do what you are feeling...

Do not sleep in the other room, on the sofa, leave, none of this...it's difficult but you can do this...the pain and hurt will subside...

YOU REALLY need that NC letter from your WW to OM...wrote by her, approved by YOU, and YOU mail it...

OMW does need to know to repair their M...yes, you are angry and have full right to be but she deserves to know what she's dealing with too...

Do you know how long that they have been M?

THis is the principles practices here on MB...read, read, read!

Go hire a good lawyer, but do not tell ww. It seems to me that you have one heck of a civil suit going here. Even though you have no definitive proof, except for what ww has told you, a settlement may very well be in the offering to keep om and ww off the witness stand.

You are facing YEARS MORE of the affair if they continue to work together. YEARS. If you can stand about 10 more years of affairland, then I would keep the status quo.If not, you should let her know that continued contact is a dealbreaker.


So, if she were a "recovering" alcoholic, do you imagine she could ever withdraw if she continued drinking but changed the NAME of her drinks to 'business drinks?"


I don't care WHY you tell the OMW, but you must tell her. The benefits will be a higher likelihood that the affair ends. The OMW also needs to know so she can protect herself from your w and her sleazy H.

Do you WANT to save your marriage?

Oh wow, I missed this little tidbit. I think you are right to consider whether or not you even want to save this marriage.

Now you are saying she had an affair 2 years ago when you both were living together; no marriage vows at that time. It lasted 6 months and then what? Did she decide she wanted to work on your relationship?

I know you are heartbroken and I lived with my husband for 6.5 years before marriage. If he had cheated on me prior to the marriage and I had known it, doubt very much I would have went ahead and married him. So, I see how you are feeling. Here it is just 2 months into taking your vows and you find out she cheated. But, has she promised to be faithful, loyal, loving and stick by the marriage vows she took with you 2 months ago?

I do believe it would be in both of your best interests if she looked elsewhere for a job. She should start out by doing that. Am sure she can locate one. It is unfair for her to expect you to go along with her being in contact with the OM now that you know what occurred.

Do not throw away your marriage. If you love her and she you, then it is worth fighting for. Seems she is keeping the vows she made to you, thus far. How did you find out about it?

If I read correctly he suspected but he finally got her to confess...

You have been married two months. She cheated on you while you were dating. That should be an indicator of what you can expect. They say you should stay single after divorce for something like one year for every five years of marriage. In your case, if you do the math, you'll do far less time in solitary than Paris Hilton.

Neither of you have much invested in this M. Why would you want to save it?