Dear MB Friends,

I made this link for a dear family member and friend that I asked to come to Marriage Builders.

He is heartbroken that his longtime friend and mate is having an affair with the O/M and he needs our support, advice and help.

His story is not all that unique, we have seen it many times before, but what is different is that he and his mate have been living together for over 14 years and have a daughter.

He has loved and supported his mate for many, many years, and has told me that he has asked her to marry him many times.

He wants to do the right thing and more importantly he wants his love back.

She is having a long-distance affair with stolen weekends with the O/M.

Both he and their daughter are heartbroken and need advice and support to hopefully reunite them in marriage.



Sincerely,
k.d.'s heartbreak

I am sorry for your family member and friend's pain, BUT I can tell you for sure that MB and this discussion group has provided me comfort and an outlet!

I will have been married 14 yrs in Oct. I discovered my wife's affair this past memorial day -- it was ongoing for month before my discovery!

The folks here have been great in helping me deal with the pain, frustration, anger, shock along with the whole array of emotions ceated by the discovery of an affair!

""He has loved and supported his mate for many, many years, and has told me that he has asked her to marry him many times.""

I happened to notice the part about "he has asked her to marry him many times."

And they are still not married...sounds like because she did not wish to get married....maybe...because, well, because SHE WAS HAVING THIS AFFAIR in the first place...and did not wish to commit to a marriage, when she could just live together.

Wasn't he curious or suspicious when she kept saying NO??

How does she feel about the dealio? Remorseful or defiant?
AND how LONG has this been going on?

The child is hearbroken leads me to believe the mate is of the selfish ilk, looking for her self centered self gratification.

Hope the chap does come here to discuss things.

IMHO

kirk

Hi Krusht,

I understand the reasoning behind thinking she was having that affair before, but it has only been the last seven months that she has been involved with another man.

I can't say what her reasoning was behind the idea of "living with him", versus, "marrying him", but it wasn't that she was having an affair. This didn't happen until the last seven months.

Both of the family members live out of town, and the other man lives in the town where I live, which is where she is from. She and the o/m went to school together and lived in the same apartment complex when she was in high school.

What played out is what Dr. Harley talks about in his books.

The other man was filling one of her most important emotional needs, talking. Talking every single night, way into the night while her mate was sleeping, for seven staight months.

She stopped communicating with us, and we didn't even know when she traveled to our town, which is totally, uncharacteristic for her. She has isolated herself from the only family she has has left, outside of her daughter and long-time partner.

kdsheartbreak,

How can we help your friend? Does he have a specific question? Or does he just generally want to know "What do I do??"

I can't say what her reasoning was behind the idea of "living with him", versus, "marrying him", but it wasn't that she was having an affair.

From my perspective, a relationship between ethical people that qualifies as a "common law" marriage has standing equal to a marriage. Whether he asked to marry her or not is irrelevant. I consider an affair in this situation an affair like any other. There is no reason to think the dedication of the hurt partner (or his suffering) is diminished by the lack of a marriage sanctioned by any religious institution or state.

I believe that if this friend of yours has been a good partner he should push his partner away. Nobody's perfect, but if he has been a good partner he should take the following position:

He is the faithful partner. He should claim all the status and moral standing for himself. Not in a sanctimonious way but in a "I am the prize" way.

Wayward women are like single women. Things don't have value to them if they're offered freely.

How do you get someone to want something?

You show it has value

Then you show them that they can't have it for free.

I'm assuming a lot here. I'm assuming this was a good relationship, and that these people were dedicated to one another.

Of equal importance...

This man must find, then retain, a good attorney, IMMEDIATELY.

GC

Hi KD

In my situation OM and his GF had lived as common-law man and wife for 14 years when he started his affair with Squid.

He had asked her to marry him many times too, but she always refused. Sh etold me that this was because her father had borken his family's hearts many times because of his adultery and she had no faith in marriage as a result.

It didn't save her heart rom breaking when I exposed her partner's affair to her though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

I tell you this because it measn I have learned that while "common law" partnerships do not have the same dynamics as marriages, many of the protagonists involved in them ar every committed indeed.

Rearding your family member, KD, well you know about plan A, exposure , avoiding lovebusters, meeting ENs , loving detachment ad all that as well as anyone on here, and I am sure you are advising this person well.

So what do you want us to do ? Help YOU to help HIM ?

All blessings

Thanks for posting, BobPure.

I do remember you saying that the o/m had a live-in girlfriend for 14 years. Although, I can't remember if the girlfriend had any effect on stopping the affair.

As for helping my friend out with Plan A advice and such, yes I can do that also but, sometimes it is easier for a stranger to say something, versus someone that is a lot closer.

I know he needs support right now. He emailed me yesterday and said he registered on this site. He didn't say whether he found these posts. So, I will contact him and see if he needs further assistance to get here.

I appreciate you responding Bob, and I am sure anything you might offer in support or advice will be an advantage to the b/s. You have a way with words.......

Many Thanks,

k.d.'s heartbreak

I like your thinking, Gray Cloud.



No truer words spoken.

k.d.'s heartbreak

Hi Faithful wife



He is like a blank slate. He is not familiar with any of MB's strategies or knowledge.

I think it would be helpful if he could hear some of the things he needs to do in Plan A, eliminating LBs, Filling ENs, and how and when to expose the affair while still protecting his daughter and himself from the adulter's affair.

Thank you for your help,

k.d.'s heartbreak

Pep's Plan A

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post2995076

Hello all this is my story! I had the chance to go to a close family member nad have them post this for me! I have read all the posts and I think you for your thoughts and opinions. I do love this woman with all my heart and soul but sounds like I need to stop showing it as much and start to live independent from her to show her that I can manage without her while she is doing this to Myself and our daughter!! I will stay as strong as I can and try to ride this storm out as long as I can for us, but let me tell you it is hard, rough and tough!!

FJHD91304,

May I call you FJD?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> I'm glad to meet you but sad that we had to meet under these circumstances.

I understand some of the "basic" info--you are a male person and your wandering mate is a female person. You and your mate have lived together for 14 years and have a daughter together, and you would have married her but she preferred a more common-law arrangement. For the sake of identification, we will call you the betrayed spouse (BS) or betrayed husband (BH) and she will be the wandering spouse (WS) or wandering wife (WW). Your WW is currently having a long-distance affair (A) with OM (other man), and it would appear that not only is it an emotional affair (EA) but it's also a physical affair (PA). She has "stolen weekends" with OM (I assume she flies to be in his city or something like that).

Have you read any of the articles here on the site? Have you read the Basic Concepts? How about How to Meet Emotional Needs? Or How to Overcome Love Busters? After you read those, look at the whole series How to Survive Infidelity. It's a whole series of Q&A's, so be prepared to read up!!

After that, check in with us and tell us what you've learned...about your mate, about what her needs are, about yourself, about what lovebusters you did, about what YOUR needs are...everything. THEN we will point you in the next step in saving your marriage (M)...which I believe will be exposure of the A.

Before you completely shut out the idea of exposing the A, let me point out that we do not mean telling everyone and their mother in a spiteful and hateful way in order to hurt your WW. On MB, exposure means conscientiously allowing certain, select people know about the A who can help support YOU through the rollercoaster of emotions (that would be folks like your friend kdsheartbreak, your family members, some close people at church, etc.) and certain, select people who can help encourage your wife to honor her commitment to you--even if there was no "church vow"--and honor her commitment to be a moral compass for her daughter (that would be folks like HER family members, her pastor, folks at her work who might be "enabling" it, etc.). Part of the fantasy of an A is that its a wonderful "secret" that they share between themselves, and exposure means bringing the darkness of their actions to light.

Soooooo...do your homework, FJD...and get back to us!!

Your faithful friend,



CJ