Post deleted by jlashley16

Hi JL,
I just caught up on your newer threads. How are you doing with your emotions regarding the OW and the fact that your H can possibly run into her or hear something about her at his workplace? It seems as though you and your H are doing well with meeting emotional needs and re-gaining a level of intimacy. It also sounds like little by little, he is understanding the many ways that his interactions with OW were inappropriate. He may come to understand more and more of the inappropriate nature of it as time passes and he gets further removed from his need to justify or deny his actions.

That is what happened with my FWH and his EA.

Before you go too far into the idea of picking up and moving, why not make one counseling appt from this site? I know it is expensive, but one appointment could mean a lot to you and your H.

It sounds like you are managing your emotions regarding possible contact, or keeping your love busting feelings in check. It sounds like you are feeling pretty good about your H and his commitment to the M and relationship. Is this the case? I really struggled for months with anger and a feeling of betrayal, even though my H readily established no contact and sent a letter within a week of d day.

Has your H figured out what led to the lowering of his boundaries--to say such inappropriate things to OW and to engage in conversations with her so frequently and not share this fact with you?

I see our situations as somewhat similar except that my H did not work with OW. He just contacted her when he found her listed on a reunion type site--old girlfriend. Also, he did not say things about me that put me down, he just said a lot of very inappropriate things to her to flatter her and he was trying to gain her admiration. He wanted her to like hin in a male/female way--very inappropriate sort of kidding on the square sort of stuff. She was only too happy to oblige and was clearly infatuated with him, and was encouraging the inappropriate aspects of the relationship.
Lake

Post deleted by jlashley16

Okay, you were LBing and DJing big time. But that was not what led him to develop a relationship with OW. He had other choices he could have made to handle this situation. I hear what you are saying that he is remorseful and is working on intimacy and meeting ENs. But what is he doing regarding boundaries? What weaknesses does he have that led him to feel ok about this kind of contact with OW? Again, I am not putting him down. It sounds like he is very remorseful and is faithful to you and his family. Maybe you have already answered these questions together.

For my FWH, we figured out a lot about his weaknesses (as well as mine) after the EA. He acknowledged that he dwelled a lot on memories of his youth--I mean a whole lot--re-playing ball games in his mind, re-living old times with girlfriends only changing around activities based on his adult knowledge of SF, etc. He has stopped all of this and feels better for it. I had no idea that he was doing this all these years, I just viewed him as self-directed and self-occupied.

The other thing he realized is that he does not share thoughts and ideas and feelings much with me. This is part of what allowed him to have daily contact with OW and fool himself into thinking it was no big deal. Now, he makes a point of telling me about his day in a conversaional manner. Not a lot, but enough so that he feels he is sharing with me and realizes that this is what married couples do--share. This way, he feels that if something like OW came up again, he would see a larger red flag that something was wrong if he was not telling me about a conversation with a woman.

I continue to glance at his work e-mail every few weeks, just to get a sense of who is talking to him and how they come across. I found one e-mail a while ago from a woman who he is currently working with from another company that sounded inappropriate in the subject line--too informal. I pointed it out to him and asked him to keep track of this and not hit reply, but instead, create a new appropriate subject line. He was fine with it.

Another thing he did was stop any and all private correspondence on his work e-mail address. He moved all of that over to the family e-mail. He signed off of the two reunion type lists that he had been on and has no interest in looking at them any more.

These are the things that he did to correct his issues. Of course, there are things that I did and that we did together, but he was the one who had the EA, so that is why there needed to be focus on him to make some changes specific to him.
Lake

Post deleted by jlashley16

Post deleted by jlashley16

An observation after reading and occasionally posting here for some time - active FWHs are few and far between. Seems like lots of BH/BWs and very insightful & helpful FWWs but not FWHs. Leaves this aspect of A's and recovery underrepresented.
Just an observation, I could be wrong and am many credits short of a MB degree.

V/r,
No Way

Post deleted by jlashley16

jlashley16...

Noway is right, there are very few FWHs that post here...Who knows why...LousyGolfer is one...Patriot is another...I'm not sure of their exact stories as far as NC is concerned...Except that they BOTH adhere to it STRICTLY...

I can tell you that as a FWW that I FULLY believe, understand and adhere to Dr. Harley's outlined EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS regarding NO CONTACT...I believe NC to be the cornerstone to recovery and that without it, recovery WILL fail...See, your FWH must WITHDRAW from the OW, and in order to do that, he MUST be in strict NC...Without NC he will NOT withdraw and the affair will continue on some level...I know that is not what you want to hear, but it is true...You may call it "dramatic", I call it EXTRAORDINARY CARE, as Dr. Harley does...

No, I did not have to leave my job because of OM, he was long distance-an old high school/college boyfriend...I will not, however, be attending my 20th high school reunion this summer nor any others held in the future...I can tell you that at first my husband and I had planned on going...We felt that we could "handle it"...Pretty pompous of us...Of ME...I watched in HORROR as a long time poster here KiwiJ, had accidental contact with her OM and then WHAMO, in an instant, the affair was pretty much back on in full...She might disagree, but what she cannot disagree on is that she was unwilling to tell her husband of the contact (coffee, drinks, some emails, as I recall), and another poster here called and told her husband of the contact (Yep, a call went out from Texas to New Zealand)...Saved them from a huge bullet...I was immediately humbled by this situation...I saw firsthand just what "contact" could do...I immediately vowed that I would NEVER thumb my nose at any of the Harley concepts and would take the PROFESSIONAL at his word...My marriage and family is THAT important to me...I know that yours is too...

I would strongly suggest that you and your husband begin saving for a Marriage Builders Weekend...Mr. W and I just attended the last one...AMAZING...If you decide that you can't do that, then I would check the bookstore and invest in the Home Study Course...Same Materials, sans the weekend and follow up...Well worth it...

Mrs. W

P.S. You really would gain valuable insight by listening to ANY FWSs here (maybe change the title of your post)...There may be some gender differences in affairs, but NOT when it comes to NC and the basic Harley concepts...

CRUD...I just realized I posted that last post to you under Mr. W's name...ARGH!!! I can't wait til my laptop gets back from the shop! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

Post deleted by jlashley16

Seriously, it's a narrow path, follow it to the letter, if success is your ultimate goal...

Mrs. W

I understand...You MUST keep trying, it's simply that important...I'm rooting for you!


Good Deal...I think you'll benefit from that!


You Bet! Anytime! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W