We have been M 25 and half years.
I am 49 and a heart patient and my physical health is not what it was when we married. (I have gained a lot of weight with my heart disease.)

WW is now 45 and I found out has been with 3 other men the last 3 years. 1 man for about 2 years. She used protection only with the married man and not with the 2 single ones.

OP is alcoholic but the pictures I found he looks like a porn star. Before it started their only contact was 1-2 times a week bumping into each other at work. He was smooth and just asked when they could get together. There really was no other discussion at all. She didn’t even know his phone number until the day they got together.

She says that he NEVER met any of her needs but she kept going anyway.

She even went to see him on our 25th Ann. After I gave her flowers, a cake, a card and we discussed dinner plans.

I saw pictures of everything and even heard sound files.
Then I checked her cell phone bills and found that she had been sending pictures and videos to these 3 men she was with.

Full disclosure has taken a month as she denied much even to herself.

She even tried to tell her parents but her mom stopped her and said "it's ok everybody does that." Her sister said "stop telling this. It is nobodies business."

We have since found out that her dad, uncle, and brother all had As. Her uncle joked about it. IT seems that proper behavior doesn't matter to her family as long as it is quite and the neighbors don't know.

She is still in some denial about things that she did and if it affected anyone and although we have the books she has still NOT read HNHN. We have been to a MC and she has her own C for behavior mod but they bounce around from thing to thing.

She says that she will not do it again because "I know it is wrong now."

Still 4 months later we have NO idea what her needs are. Although her BT told me that she is on the Emotional level of a 12 year old right now.

I have no idea what to do. Therapy is not doing much and if it is only physical I can never compete with a guy like him now that I am ill.

???
iwanttoknow

Oh yeah she said that she "Never meant to hurt me but was doing something just for her."

She also said that she "was sorry that I got hurt."

I asked if she was sorry about the A and she said that "He was really good and she wasn't sorry about that."

So she looks all surprised when I doubt that she is going to be faithful now.

Hi,

There's a few things u need t/d 4 u 1st.

1. Read SAA (Surviving An Affair) & His Needs/Her Needs (Harley)

2. Take the EN questionnaire (located in the concepts section above.

3. Call Jennifer C @ MB for some phone counseling and a plan.

Do it in that order.

4. Exposre. This includes letting your children know.

5. Secure your finances.

6. Create a personal support group. Agree to hear their POV and suggestions but only allow those in who are also willing to respect your decisions since they will not all know all.

7. Keep posting here, keep a journal and remember you can't teach a WS anything but you can move forward 4 u.

That's a start. Let us know how u r doing.

take care,
L.

I posted this early this morning because it finally dawned on me that she had skipped worked sometimes and spent the whole night at OPs house. WS works nights.


Sometimes at her job the reception is so bad that it won't ring (LOTS of metal in roof). I asked her if she turned it off when at his house overnight and she said yes.

So it dawned on me how little she cared. I am a heart patient and have almost daily angina. I told her if I had had a heart attack or had gone to the hospital I couldn't have gotten her. She answered "Well sometimes at work the phone won't ring you could always leave a message."

I told her at work I could call the office (land line) or send someone to get her. At an unknown lovers house she would not know until she woke up in the morning.

She sees no difference.

The more I look and ask the worse she looks to me. Almost like she doesn't care about anything at times.



Me BH 49
Her WS 45
M 25 years
3 kids 24,20,17
I mostly feel alone all the time.

Iwant,

I agree with everyone...you need to read the articles and seek counseling. However, I have other thoughts on this.

One, is straight forward, what can or is being done to address your heart situation? What medications are you one, blood thinner, beta blockers, what?

The second thing I think you really need to address is whether it is in YOUR best interest to deal with this and remain married to her? I am not asking for an answer right now, but clearly recoverying a marriage will be very stressful and thus dangerous to you. Ending the marriage will also be stressful, but once over you won't have some of the stresses you do right now.

Now let's hear about the children. What do they know and what do they not know? Also where are they with regard to schooling and plans for schooling?

Your W is continuing her affair it would seem, and she is in withdrawal. I would recommend plan A, but I wonder how effective you can be given your health. If you cannot be I would also suggest that you read about plan B. Plan B is to give YOU peace and allow the A's to end.

Affairs are always hard to deal with, but you have the additional issue of your health and longevity. Your children are owed far more than your W, and what you owe them is to be there for them for as long as you can be. In my mind if that means shedding the stress of an unfaithful W, then I would seriously consider this.

Let's hear about your health, your children, and what you think. Meanwhile educate yourself. The information here is very powerful, but it will NOT affect an immediate turn around. Recovery, once the A ends, usually takes about two years.

Welcome to MB, but I am sorry you are here.

God Bless,

JL

WS claims that she has broken all contact but they do work at the same place in different jobs.

I discovered nude pictures of him and her on Feb 14th 07. I never really like Valentines Day.
It took weeks to get her to tell them it was over and a month to admit that it was not a drunken 1 night stand (her 1st claim). It is 3 years of serial A's. She even cheated on her longtime OP. Again with no protection.

I have lived longer than my Dr thought but my health had finally leveled out.

The loss of sleep is a problem but my Dr doesn't want to add sleeping aids due to my Sleep Apnea. I have (central sleep apnea a central nervous system problem and not an obstruction problem and use a S/T BiPap machine. It signals me to take a breath while asleep. I also have heart failure and diabetes.


The kids know that she has been unfaithful but nothing else.

My main concern is that I do/may have more limited time than my W has. If I can get her strong and safe she will be here for the kids longer than I can hope to be.


The therapist says that to my W it was like a 6th grader passing notes in school.


You are right I know that the stress of this is harmful to my health. But I really don't feel like I have any other choice. My W is the one that will be her with our kids and I need to get her stable and safe so she can make choices.
She has been my world for 25 years and I have to know that she is safe. What she has been doing (going off to meet when nobody knows who she is with or where she is) is not safe. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't stay and help her.

The last week of April I took her to a 3 day Weekend to Remember Christian Marriage Seminar. (It was only 400 miles away.) That snapped her out a little. Slowly she is seeing what she did. She isn't seeing why though.

The 1 week of March I bought HNHN and read it. She still has not read it. I bought Surviving an Affair 2 weeks later. I have learned some and am trying to meet needs but I really am guessing about if they are her top needs. She really doesn't want to think about this stuff at all.

Her family never talks and when there is a problem they hide. I guess that is why she never complained to me. That might be a confrontation. She just withdrew and sought her own pleasure. Her Dad, uncle and brother have all done the same thing. Her brother cheated in and lost 3 marriages.

I have been reading some of the articles and I will look at
contacting Dr. H (I liked the books.)


I am sorry that any of us are here on the board but thankful for someone to share with.

God Bless


Me BH 49
Her WS 45
M 25 years
3 kids 24,20,17
I mostly feel alone all the time.

We were talking today and something that my WS said didn't match her LAST story of her 3 years of A's.

I challanged her on it and dug in. WE started at 12:30 and by 8:30 she finally broke.
She has been telling our MC and her BehavioralT lies about the A's.

Almost 4 months since I caught her and she still covers up things and lies.

She had sent pics taken with her cell phone to get them interested. I asked her several times over the last 4 months if the men took any pictures. She always said NO.

Well THEY made a sex movie. This idiot I am married to let an almost stranger film them. "Oh he is such a sweet man he would NEVER show that to anyone." She told me today.

I confronted her about her selective honesty and she said. "I always tell you the truth about NOW but that was then and it doesn't matter if you know or not."


I loved her dearly 4 months ago but You are right her lies are killing me.


Me BH 49
Her WS 45
M 25 years
3 kids 24,20,17
I mostly feel alone all the time.

Hi IWTK,

The WS's all lie, many of the lies are horrible in both what they cover up, and the impact of what they do to the BS. Many of us on MB have been through a lot, the worst that could happen in a M. You're not alone.

Please keep in mind that everyone makes mistakes. Of all the people in the world out there, you are in the position to forgive your WS for the worst things she could do to someone she loves. At the time she did those things, she was addicted to a fantasy where she probably thought the OM would love her if she did them, but he was someone that didn't care about her and was using her. Maybe ask yourself if it was her taking heroin from a drug dealer and she later stopped, would or could you forgive her for that, or would you leave her? It's much the same thing, only a much more painful thing to think about for a BS.

None of us are perfect. You have to ask yourself if you still love her, to really know what you want to do. If you don't love her anymore, it's an easy decision. If you do love her, it's painful, very painful, but the pain fades over time. Don't do anything in a hurry, talk it over with your WS, take lots of long walks, lift weights, long drives, or go do something else to settle your mind, and see where you want to go with it. Good luck.

God bless,
CS

Did you wife's bad behavior coincide with your serious health problems?

I'm curious because my husband and I went through something similar with his brother. My BIL had a heart attack and then some bypass surgery and his marriage crumbled about the same time.

Both BIL and SIL admit to this day that they were happy and in love before the heart problems came about.

SIL did not cheat but displayed incredibly selfish and insensitive independent behavior (suddenly spending copious amounts of time partying with single women.)

She was always very healthy and took good care of herself. She was always after her H to do the same. I think when he became ill she was angry and resentful because she felt he brought this on himself. Also. this made her look at her own life --her own mortality and what she might have missed out on by marrying so young.

He could not give her the space she wanted. To comlicate things he had developed some suspicious thinking or paranoia (a common transcient side effect from going on the heart-lung machine during surgery) so he was on her case all the time. This just drove her away more.

IWTK,

My heart goes out to you friend.

""Although her BT told me that she is on the Emotional level of a 12 year old right now.""

How about her IQ level? Could there be deep psychological grief problems with her coping with your health problems??

My FWW's mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer and the next thing FWW knows she is emailing OM on the internet, phoning, which progressed to a 2 year PA. She has said that OM kind of filled the void of her healthy mother. Her mother and she were very close, more like sisters, and she spoke to her most every day.

When her mom became ill, the conversations slowed way down, and OM took over the conversations she was having with her mom. Then the conversations advanced to what the OM was looking for in the first place.

Did you and she have an active sexual life before your health issues began?

This is totally way way out there, but could she be easing the pain of your decline by emersing herself in these sexual encounters?

THIS DOES NOT EXCUSE HER, BY ANY MEANS! But maybe might give some reason for her actions.

Don't really know what else to say to you.

God bless you sir!

kirk

By our 20th year of M my wife and I were intimate 5 days a week and more than once on the weekends so 7-8 times a week.

The meds took a little starch out of my system but when we time things around the meds I am fine.

I became depressed so I don't know if the illness or the depression was a part of the cause. She will forever deny that because when she had cancer 10 years ago I was her provider, nurse, driver, cook, maid, and support system.

Her family never talks about anything that isn't happy. They ignore it and hope it goes away.

I agree that my illness is a likely source for why but if it is I am afraid she will go back to him.

She is very fit 5'7" size 10. Yes she does somewhat blame me for my illness even though most of the weight gain was AFTER I got sick and couldn't exercise as much as before.

Her IQ is normal and she went to college (didn't get a degree but went a couple of years).

The hardest part of this was some of the things she said and did the first few weeks after I caught her.

She had A's with 3 men but 2 only lasted 1 time. She told me she was disappointed in one who finished in a few minutes.

The man that she kept for 2 years until I caught her was the one I saw pictures of and he is VERY fit (a body builder type) and could be a porn star down there. She told me how good he was and how he didn't get soft and went for extra servings. She told me how he was so big it hurt but in a good way. And 2 weeks ago she accidentally sent me a sound file attached to a text message of her begging him by name to Put it in her...... and .... Me ... oh baby...

She told me it was an old file and she didn't know anything was on it. Her work can be loud so maybe she couldn't hear it.

She has been VERY attentive and loving for the last few weeks and has finally started saying that she loves me again. She hadn't said that for 3-4 years. She wants to hug and kiss... and she didn't want to do that for years either.

She does act completely different. Maybe she had a breakdown, maybe she was running from my illness.... I don't know.

I do know that I have insecurities now that I never had. I have doubts about if I can keep her happy and at home for good.

She finally took the ENs questions (I have HNHN and SAA.)
Oddly I scored really well with meeting her needs. (I could do better but I did better than I thought I would.) However for a couple of years it was like she never saw what I was doing for her and wouldn't accept anything I did.

Also this is a strange rollercoaster. Ups and downs and emotions I sometimes can't even define. It seems that as I deal with things on one level there is another different level under it that hits me in the head.

I did start sleeping and have slept 5-6 hours a day the last 3 days. That is a good sign.

I also had a really bad day physically and she hovered 2 inches from me ALL day and night. She ignored EVERYTHING else that day. Like she was finally accepting a support role for me now.

It feels good to say some of these things to somebody.

I want to thank everyone for their answers and I am really working hard to get through this and back to both of us being happy.

Me BH 49
Her WS 45
M 25 years
3 kids 24,20,17
I mostly feel alone all the time.

IWTK,

Your last post sounds much better than your first one! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I see by your sig line that the kids are old enough to offer support and assistance. I hope they are close by for you.

Stay happy and upbeat as much as you can.

kirk

Yes things are getting better especially now that she stopped trying to hide things.

Yesterday I was taking care of a little business and then went upstairs and found her reading SAA. I was sooooo happy.

It seems like in so many ways that a light switch was flipped and there is a different person in my house.

For the entire 25+ years of marriage I have bought her flowers every week, told her how pretty she is, I love her.... She stopped accepting them from me. It is like they didn't even go in her ears.

Now little things that I have always done she sees and says hey thanks for doing that it was nice. Like she never knew I did that all of the time.

I am a little concerned about tomorrow at the MC. The biggest thing this week has been that she finally admitted to still hiding things and lying and I don't know how she will take this at MC. She has of course lied to the MC for months now. I am hoping that she will come to understand that advice she gets based on her lies and fantasy are not going to be the right thing sometimes.

Our MC is a 70 year old pastor and the first thing he talked to us about was ENs. I wanted a pastor because I wanted a marriage friendly MC and not one like her BT who as her 1st question was are you here to learn how to get a friendly divorce? I was at the 1st session with her BT and I think that she is on board now. We want my wife to grow, mature and learn boundaries.


I don't want to involve our kids. The know because I threw her out 4 months ago and she told them as she was leaving.
She is home and has been 3 and a half months and I don't want any side taking with the kids. She will always be their mother and I will always be their dad.


Me BH 49
Her WS 45
M 25 years
3 kids 24,20,17
I feel much better now than I did a few days ago.

IWTK,

""She stopped accepting them from me. It is like they didn't even go in her ears. ""

I don't understand why you want to put flowers in her ears!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Have a great weekend!

kirk

Well at the MC today we talked about the 4 main things I found out Sunday and Monday (She has lied about them the whole time.)

I even mentioned the answers she gave me like "Well you could leave a message...."

The MC said point blank that she "was rationalizing so that she could feel good enough about her actions to keep doing them".

In less than 5 minutes in the car on the way home she RErationalized the phone being off on her over night stays.

I asked her if she heard what the MC said. She said that she did. I then asked her why if this isn't rationalizing she didn't say what she felt to or infront of the MC? And she told me that I was ALWAYS dragging her through the dirt and wouldn't stop until she felt like she was filth.

I asked her if I had called her a name or raised my voice and she said "NO you are questioning me about MY affairs".

I really think that if she actively defends some of her actions (she does say now that she should have left before she started cheating) then she is in that mindset and we are not safe.

It seems like unless I talk about only the weather she takes offense and there is a LB.

?????

Me BH 49
Her WS 45
M 25 years
3 kids 24,20,17
I feel worse today than I have in months.