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Marriage Builders Forums Our Archives Archived Read-Only Posts Inactive: General Questions GoingCrazyInCT needs the pros' help

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Re: GoingCrazyInCT needs the pros' help jmwc95 #1890111 06/11/07 11:24 AM
Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 61 G GoingCrazyinCT Member
GoingCrazyinCT Member G Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 61	Thank you Thank you Thank you I will look into the General Disc. II now and see what I need to do. I know that just hiding in the clouds in hopes of the M working out even though she said she wants to still see him is impossible. I saw how she got regarding my mother knowing and she thought we agreed not to tell anyone about the A. That's not what I agreed to... I just didn't want to tell her that I was going to expose her. And yes, we had some pretty serious issues prior to the A beginning. Some of which made her want the M to come to an end. This is more like the exclamation point to end it. I do not want to loose my wife. i love her too much to let all of this fall apart.

Re: GoingCrazyInCT needs the pros' help GoingCrazyinCT #1890112 06/11/07 11:42 AM
Joined: Nov 2006 Posts: 4,222 J jmwc95 OP Member
OP jmwc95 Member J Joined: Nov 2006 Posts: 4,222	GCICT, NOW is the time to really put the pressure on this affair. I would do some digging and find OMW, OM's family, and OMW's family and expose to them as well as OM and WW's employer. Expose to your W's family as well. OM and WW don't want you exposing now because they knows that this will kill the affair. Right now they is trying to "cool it" until his W is out of the hospital and your wife gets a D, so the timing will be a little better. Strike now while the iron is hot. Your W will want nothing to do with you for a while. That's fine. Continue to plan A and as long as there is NC with the OM (because of pressure you put on the A to split OM and your WW up), you will get your chance to rebuild your M a few months down the line. Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story

Re: GoingCrazyInCT needs the pros' help jmwc95 #1890113 06/11/07 11:47 AM
Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 61 G GoingCrazyinCT Member
GoingCrazyinCT Member G Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 61	I know that the OMW is in the hospital for a transplant and will be there for a while. OM has not had much of a marriage with a sick wife. I got all this from emails and other sources. She isn't even coherent enough to let her know. As for the employer, I'd hate to see my WW get fired, but know that it needs to be done. As for her family, I will be having time with them this weekend. Looks like exposire time will be ASAP. I will try and stay in the house but I know she will use the old "call the cops" routine, etc to get me out. Just wanted to make for a happy home, but hard with OM still in the picture and not wanting to end it (just like my WW)

Re: GoingCrazyInCT needs the pros' help GoingCrazyinCT #1890114 06/11/07 11:53 AM
Joined: Nov 2006 Posts: 4,222 J jmwc95 OP Member
OP jmwc95 Member J Joined: Nov 2006 Posts: 4,222	Quote I will try and stay in the house but I know she will use the old "call the cops" routine, etc to get me out. This is what you need to buy a voice activated digital recorder at radio shack or circuit city for $100. When she pulls that stunt, you get your recorder, and then get her on tape saying that she is making this up to get you out of the house. Then you play the recording for the cops. She gets hauled off to jail instead and gets a much needed dose of reality. This has happened to quite a few people on this board. Mr. Wondering is a lawyer and he is good at this type of stuff. You might just want to post something up on this forum asking him for advice. Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story

Re: GoingCrazyInCT needs the pros' help GoingCrazyinCT #1890115 06/11/07 11:56 AM
Joined: Jan 2005 Posts: 2,715 O Owl Member
Owl Member O Joined: Jan 2005 Posts: 2,715	OK...I've tried sorting through your thread some, and you've said you exposed...but the only person you've exposed to is your wife and OM? Exposure means telling her family, and yours. Telling your friends, her employer, etc... It means going to these people, tell them that she's having an affair, and that you're asking for their help in getting her to end the affair and work on your marriage. Its asking them to take a stand with her to help her see what she's doing wrong. Its NOT telling her what she already knows. Quit worrying about her "getting fired". Part of plan A is letting the wayward wife suffer the 'consequences of her actions'. Having an affair with a co-worker was her action...one of the possible consequences might indeed be getting fired. How will calling the cops get you out of the house? Have you threatened her? Have a history of domestic violence? Heck...if you're convinced she's going to take that route, why not save the trouble and call them yourself, about her??? Don't be afraid of taking action. Taking NO action is your biggest risk here...inaction will almost certainly end your marriage. Read up on plan A, plan B, etc... And start working your plan...HARD.

Re: GoingCrazyInCT needs the pros' help Owl #1890116 06/11/07 12:03 PM
Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 61 G GoingCrazyinCT Member
GoingCrazyinCT Member G Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 61	Never a moment of domestic violence or threatening. I think she justs wants to flex he home ownership musscle. she just emailed me sauing "I really wish we could have talked this all out sooner. Even up to a week ago could have made a huge difference in where we are today" When i asked her politely what a week would have done... she emailed back "woulda, coulda, shoulda............ never mind Mike. I still don't think you completely understand.

Re: GoingCrazyInCT needs the pros' help GoingCrazyinCT #1890117 06/11/07 12:11 PM
Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 61 G GoingCrazyinCT Member
GoingCrazyinCT Member G Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 61	Just off the phone with WW... she said that had I not let the whole world know about our dirty laundry then we could have had a chance to work this out. WW only just slept with OM a week ago. Had we been able to talk things out she might not have gone that far. I told her that I will not be drinking abd will be 1000% supportive of our marriage and will put every effort into rebuilding it. WW said only time will tell. First bit of compassion I've felt in a while. She just is devastated that "everyone Knows" meaning my parents and her brother whom we are very close to.

Re: GoingCrazyInCT needs the pros' help GoingCrazyinCT #1890118 06/11/07 12:17 PM
Joined: Sep 2003 Posts: 27,069 San Diego County B believer Member
believer Member B Joined: Sep 2003 Posts: 27,069 San Diego County	Good job. They are always angry after exposure, and say things like now you've done it, we could have worked on the marriage, but not I want a divorce, this is the last straw, blah, blah, blah. She will get over it. Hang tough.

Re: GoingCrazyInCT needs the pros' help believer #1890119 06/11/07 12:19 PM
Joined: Feb 2007 Posts: 691 J JustKim Member
JustKim Member J Joined: Feb 2007 Posts: 691	Fairly typical fog speak. Your W is saying this to prevent further exposure - to derail you further. The more you expose, the quicker the A ends. BS: Me, 43 FWH: 50 EA/PA with My Friend Jan-Apr 06 DDay: 4/29/06 NC: email 5/1/06 Recovering

Re: GoingCrazyInCT needs the pros' help JustKim #1890120 06/11/07 12:31 PM
Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 61 G GoingCrazyinCT Member
GoingCrazyinCT Member G Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 61	Thanks... I will most likely expose this week towards the end. After the exposure date... is that when Plan A goes into effect? Cause I am already trying to be the perfect husband without argument etc

Re: GoingCrazyInCT needs the pros' help GoingCrazyinCT #1890121 06/11/07 12:47 PM
Joined: Aug 2005 Posts: 4,554 M ManInMotion Member
ManInMotion Member M Joined: Aug 2005 Posts: 4,554	Quote I know that the OMW is in the hospital for a transplant and will be there for a while. OM has not had much of a marriage with a sick wife. I got all this from emails and other sources. She isn't even coherent enough to let her know. What about OMW's parents, and family? I'm sure they'd love to know what the OM is up to. ManInMotion =========== (see "MiM's Story" for more details)

Re: GoingCrazyInCT needs the pros' help GoingCrazyinCT #1890122 06/11/07 12:49 PM
Joined: Aug 2005 Posts: 4,554 M ManInMotion Member
ManInMotion Member M Joined: Aug 2005 Posts: 4,554	Quote she just emailed me sauing "I really wish we could have talked this all out sooner. Even up to a week ago could have made a huge difference in where we are today" Fog-speak. She's desperately trying to guilt you into not doing any more exposure. ManInMotion =========== (see "MiM's Story" for more details)

Re: GoingCrazyInCT needs the pros' help GoingCrazyinCT #1890123 06/11/07 12:53 PM
Joined: Aug 2005 Posts: 4,554 M ManInMotion Member
ManInMotion Member M Joined: Aug 2005 Posts: 4,554	Quote Just off the phone with WW... she said that had I not let the whole world know about our dirty laundry then we could have had a chance to work this out. WW only just slept with OM a week ago. Had we been able to talk things out she might not have gone that far. Do you honestly believe that she only slept with the OM a week ago? Or talking things out would have prevented her from having an A? It's likely lies, lies and more lies. Now that exposure's started, she's trying to weave another story to explain what she thinks you know and what she thinks you're exposing. She's also trying to place the blame on you again: "it would never have happened if we had only talked" (real meaning: if YOU had talked to ME). Don't take the blame for her A! ManInMotion =========== (see "MiM's Story" for more details)

Re: GoingCrazyInCT needs the pros' help ManInMotion #1890124 06/11/07 01:06 PM
Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 61 G GoingCrazyinCT Member
GoingCrazyinCT Member G Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 61	Not sure what happened to my initial reply... but through email and phone calls, I know they were planning for their 1st encounter. That happened a little over 1 week ago when she was suppose to go to FL to think. The months prior to this she has been kissing, hugging and touching him. She feels this is not affair behavorior, just being dishonest. I'm torn being in the cross road wondering if I listen to the fog speak and see if it gets better or deal with the consequences and expose expose expose. I feel either direction I go si the wrong one.

Re: GoingCrazyInCT needs the pros' help ManInMotion #1890125 06/11/07 01:10 PM
Joined: Jan 2005 Posts: 2,715 O Owl Member
Owl Member O Joined: Jan 2005 Posts: 2,715	Quote Just off the phone with WW... she said that had I not let the whole world know about our dirty laundry then we could have had a chance to work this out. WW only just slept with OM a week ago. Had we been able to talk things out she might not have gone that far. This is almost word for word per the wayward script. We see/hear that EXACT same thing every single time exposure is done. Don't let it bother you any...it's all hot air. Again, we see this virtually every single time someone comes here. She's trying to give herself an "out" of the marriage. Again, don't let it phase you. Plan A should be ongoing right now. That means 'carrot and stick'. Carrot means to work on making yourself more attractive, work on meeting her emotional needs, doing the things that attract her back. Stick means exposure and letting her suffer the consequences of her wayward actions. Do NOT let things get to you right now. Your situation IS recoverable. It's NOT over yet.

Re: GoingCrazyInCT needs the pros' help GoingCrazyinCT #1890126 06/11/07 01:19 PM
Joined: Aug 2006 Posts: 3,862 M Marshmallow Member
Marshmallow Member M Joined: Aug 2006 Posts: 3,862	Why would she call your sharing the news about her "Love Affair" "airing dirty laundry"? Isn't she proud of her behavior? Obviously, she's not! Hugging, kissing, and touching is cheating. Don't let her get away from the truth of her A. It DIDN'T just start a week ago. ~ Marsh

Re: GoingCrazyInCT needs the pros' help Marshmallow #1890127 06/11/07 01:47 PM
Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 61 G GoingCrazyinCT Member
GoingCrazyinCT Member G Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 61	I realize that... She knows that the A is ugly hence why she is calling it dirty laundry because not everyone needs to know. As she said, she doesn't want to see my parents anymore because of this. And she said know she understands why people aren't calling her. I almost feel as though there has been enough exposure and Plan A needs to take effect. BUT, if I need every aspect of exposure from her family to her work to complete this and start the healing... then I will do that.

Re: GoingCrazyInCT needs the pros' help GoingCrazyinCT #1890128 06/11/07 03:21 PM
Joined: Aug 2005 Posts: 5 C ChessBuddy Junior Member
ChessBuddy Junior Member C Joined: Aug 2005 Posts: 5	GoingCrazyinCT, exposure has two parts. One is to reveal the affair and not make it secret. The second is that those you expose to also have influence over your wife (kind of like looking for allies). These people will do one of 3 things usually: 1) Ignore it. - gain: minimal. But they will act different toward her regardless. 2) Try to talk to her - this can only help you. She either will feel quilty that more people know. Or she might respect their input (which makes her feel more guilty) as they try to help. 3) Act "negative" towards her - this also helps quickly end the affair. You are looking for allies to end the affair. Be it family friends or employment. She already had allies (the OM, friends who knew), you had none (you didn't know about the affair). Its time to get some of your own and fight back for your marriage. Based on your situation, I would prepare a exposure letter (see this site for good examples) for her work. By the time you prepare it and continue Plan A, you will probably have a better idea whether it should be sent or not. Her continuing to contact OM would mean immediate sending of the letter. If she asks why, its because she is not listening to you about saving your marriage (as much as you wish her too), so you have to find who she will listen too. [I'm sure some of the vets can word that last part better.] Best of luck.

Re: GoingCrazyInCT needs the pros' help ChessBuddy #1890129 06/11/07 03:49 PM
Joined: Nov 2006 Posts: 4,222 J jmwc95 OP Member
OP jmwc95 Member J Joined: Nov 2006 Posts: 4,222	My WW told me the exact same thing. "Maybe we would have worked things out, but since you exposed, it's over." It is standard WS speak. She is trying to bully you into not taking more action. You see, she knows what she is doing is reprehensible, but if no one else finds out, she won't have to live with the consequences. She doesn't want everyone else to think she is a homewrecker, so she almost feels guilted into staying because if she divorces you, everyone will know it is because she is sleeping with a married man with a sick wife, so she stays so she doesn't have to look like the bad guy. Eventually after several months of NC, she'll realize that there was no excuse for what she's done, and if you continue to meet her ENs, she will eventually start feeling things for you again. I would expose like heck right now. Let your daughter know that her mother is wanting to leave you because she has admitted to sleeping with a married man with a sick wife. I'm sure she won't like to look at her daughter's face after she finds out that she's actually had sex with the OM. You need to put pressure on the A while meeting the ENs your WW allows you to meet. I meant what I said about the recorder. Many angry WWs have tried this stunt to get their husbands out of the house. Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story

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