Dream - Comments - Words of advice

Last night I had some aweful dreams about WW and OM. I think I got 1 hour total sleep last night. I dreampt of exposure and all the consequences. Unfortunately in my dream once all exposure took place, D was the next alternitive. Everyone was soo PO'd at me for exposing the A.

I just feel like throwing in the towel and moving out, but know once I do that there is little hope in rebuilding the marraige.

I read about how much stronger and better marriages are after surviving an A, but I just don't know what amount of time I need to give to have this happen? A couple of weeks? Couple of months???

A just came out of the darkness on June 9th

Try two years. Better buckle up. It's going to be a bumpy ride.

TWO YEARS???!!!

How in the world did you and FWW survive that length of time?

Here I am thinking by that by the end of summer we'll be into the recovery phase.

Luckily, my story did not go on for two years. However, my wife started her A in July and I wouldn't say that we are fully recovered yet. We just started having SF again this month. But my situation wasn't nearly as dire as others. Dr. Harley recommends 6 months of plan A followed by 18 months of plan B. Most affairs die a natural death by the two year mark, so then marital recovery is possible.

Well, that is kind of what I'm looking for is the quick shock death of the A upon exposure... but if the cycle is around 1.5 - 2.0 years, I'll hang in there.

Puts things in a lot more perspective

Tuesday Night Recap:

W and I had a very nice evening watching a movie, snacking on chese and crackers and fruit, and a bottle of wine. We always use to do this sort of stuff but not in a while. Our son was with his dad for the night. When he called, my W said how proud she was of him while talking to him on the phone and then started to cry. (think she is starting to feel the pressure)

So off to bed we go. Laying there quietly, I ask if she wants to talk.. to which she said no.

A few moments later the venom came pouring out of her. How dare I email her at work saying the name of OM and that they are having an A. I keep pushing and pushing and if I don't stop that I can walk right out that door.

Some other nice things... "Nights like this could have been in our future but you had to push"

"you have 3 chances this summer to redeem yourself starting with this weekend with her family, if that is ok then the wedding, and if thats ok then our summer vacation."

At which time she will decide if I need to move on and have this M end.

I let all of this be and just answered in a sweet calm voice and let her fall asleep.

This morning she let me give her a nice back rub, and she hugged me saying she doesn't want to be mad every day. Then she let me give her a kiss goodbye for the day.

Sound like a typical Plan A night???

Good plan A activity, and you are right about feeling the pressure. She extremely conflicted.


Good job nudging, and then backing off.


Translation: Quit putting pressure on my affair. You are ruining it. I'm forced to threaten you to get you to back off.

Don't let up now.


You just had a night like this last night even though you have been pushing.


Your plan A is working. Keep it up. But keep putting pressure on the affair.

Jim,

Thanks for the interpretations. That is exactly what I was looking for. Anyone else that would like to offer their interpretations I am all ears (or eyes in this case)

I didn't initiate any emails this morning with W and then I got this one...


Good Morning -

listen, I am sorry about losing it last night (I bet you were kicking yourself for giving me your last glass of wine). But I am at my wits end with you and I. I think I got my point across - I hope I did. We need to find a happy medium for now. I hate being angry every day.

are you in or are you out ?

I know I know... the manipulation thing. I'm glad the Plan A is working and I will not back off with the pressures on the A. And this weekend will be a great opportunity to plant seeds with her family.

GoingCrazy--
Exposure is not "planting seeds."

All you are doing is giving her the opportunity to cover her tracks better, deny what you say, and portray you as a crazy jealous husband. If you do not take the opportunity to expose...then she will take the opportunity to start planting her OWN seeds, against you.

Not exposing quickly is a huge tactical mistake.

You will not talk or coax her out of her affair with your Plan A.

I have the email written and the script and phone numbers all laid out right here to begin the biggest exposure... no planting seeds.

I think I'm just weary, as many of you probably were before reading other's stories here on MB, of what the next step is.

I see glimpses of my wife I had before the A began and hate the thought of ruining any chances.

What do you think is "ruining your chances?"

Seriously what is the biggest impediment to having a happy marriage with your wife?????

It is NOT your actions....
It is the AFFAIR!!!!

Until you bust that up, your chances are nil.
Stop fearing her anger...it is manipulating you into silence. She is using her potential anger to stop you from ruining her affair. Does that make any sense to you??

Seriously; who should be angry here?
Not her.

I cannot stand to see a grown man cowered into silence by a wayward wife. Just when you should stand up for yourself, you become paralyzed with fear.

Women have to RESPECT a man to love them. There is nothing to respect in a man that you can turn into a puddle.

Where are your cajones???

She is having an affair. You are entitled to be the angry one. Where is your anger? Why are you willing to take crumbs and cower at her feet?

Lexxy,

Believe me this whole thing is making me totally not the person I am. I have some of the bigest !@#$ when it comes to business and other things, but the fear of loosing everything - home, stepson, wife, friends, life just begins to get too overwhelming.

My doctor that I see every week just told me yesterday that I should just move on and be done. Thinking of firing him because I would much rather save this marriage than throw in the towel.

The aprehensions just get to be so strong, especiallly with so many family events coming up between this weekend and the 1st week of August.

As my WW said, she wanted the M done before the A ever began. I feel that if I expose and show my anger that I will be the one that loses everything and be asked to leave.

I'm not ready to leave just yet. I love my step-son and I do love my W

Good to hear...

Get to a Dr. and ask for anti-depres. It will help you deal with this situation rationally.

As for what your wife said...she wanted the marriage done before the A began. BULLCHIT. ALL WW say such crap. She is not having some "special" affair. Its a plain old one.
She is not saying anything unique.

You need to stop listening to her crap. You definetely need to stop taking those things to heart. You need to develop a filter.

She will say ANYTHING to make what she has done not-so-bad.
She will rewrite your marital history.
You will hear things like "I haven't been happy for years"
She is going to dump on you. She wants you to share in the blame for the breakdown of the marriage. She desperately wants you to agree that the marriage was bad before her affair.

Believe me -- she will begin gathering her support structure. She will begin telling her family that you two are "having trouble" and that its been going on "for a while". She will very likely agree to Marriage Councelling for 2 reasons.
1) She can tell her friends and family that she TRIED to save the marriage. Its very socially unacceptable to walk away without trying.
2) So that she can coax you (and the councelor) that its hopeless. And that councelor will help you "get over it" (its really divorce councelling....)

So you need to EXPOSE this affair quickly. Because it is a public relations battle right now. If you let her start spinning her version first -- you will have a much harder time getting support.

Have you read the carrot and the stick of Plan A???
I'll copy it for you here. That is what you need to be doing. You need to FIGHT for this marriage. And PLAN A is your BATTLE PLAN.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.



You have a plan. She does not.

Get exposure done immediately.

I see what needs to be done, and I did reat the Carrot and the Stick... I do have a plan and one that looks to be successfully implemented before.

I guess the old hope and pray method doesn't really work huh? Be a good husband etc.

Everything you said she would say she has already been saying. Trying to focus blame on me and my attitude over the past couple of years. Indeed re-writing history. But yes, we were extremely rocky towards the end of last year.

Not to a point of her or me having an A though. So yes, my anger and hurt is indeed with her, but I am willing to forgive and recover with her.

Again, my biggest fears are he brother's wedding coming up on July 7th and me wanting to be a part of that and also not throwing this mess into the family at such a happy marital time for them.

At a minimum -- tell her parents.

And her adultery-partners WIFE. Immediately.

You are being fed loads of BS. Seriously.
I have a gut feeling that OMW is not sick.
OM lied to your wife. Or your wife lied to you.
But someone definetely does not want this story told to this woman. Which is why it should be told IMMEDIATELY.

You were extremely rocky at the end of last year -- because she was having an affair. Not for any other reason.

Trust me. I've done this. I was a WW.
I started my affair by telling OM that I was in an unhappy marriage so that I could have his attention.
Then I MADE IT an unhappy marriage so that I could start guiding my husband toward a divorce.

You cannot let your FEAR guide you. You must take action.
Doing nothing will not save your marriage. It might make it possible for you to have an amicable divorce tho -- if thats what you prefer....

Not what I prefer... divorce is the extreme opposite of where I want to be.

As for OMW, she is currently listed on the active organ donor's list and through daily reading of every email, I know that things are on the bad side for her.

Only thing I can do to get to OM's family is to send something to the hospital or through work. I've tried to look up OM's mother and other info but no luck.

So... I don't just want exposure on WW's side, I want his family and friends to know as well.

Well how long have you known about this and what have you done?

This is your family we are talking about, don't take no for an answer. If you haven't been able to find OMW's parents so far, go hire someone who can. Don't put this off any longer. You are just hurting your chances. DO IT NOW! I MEAN TODAY!