Though I am trying to save my M and my WW, I do not want her to feel all the pressure of this A being exposed. I need to have some "in" with his friends or family to properly expose. Otherwise WW will inform him of the exposure and he will likely cover up the A with his family and friends.

GCIC,

Oh, and another thing. Who gives a crap about BIL's wedding? Are you saying that BIL's family is more important than your family? Thats what I think you are saying. SNAP OUT OF YOUR OWN FOG! Things are getting worse because you REFUSE TO DO ANYTHING THAT WILL MAKE THE SITUATION BETTER! First of all, I don't think BIL will be worrying about his sister while he's off getting laid on the beach for an entire week. Secondly, if he is, IT'S YOUR WW's FAULT, NOT YOURS! Your concern is ending your WW's affair, and up to this point, you have done a piss-poor job of doing so. Sure you have been working on the carrot, but there has been NO STICK! You need to expose your WW for what she is, an adulterer fooling around with another woman's husband who happens to be dying. I'm sure she won't be able to hold her head up high knowing that everyone knows. I don't think seeing OM will ever be the same once she sees the looks on everyone else's face. Make OM's life H*LL! Make your WW not worth his while. I'm sure he doesn't want 100 people HATING him at his W's funeral. If you DO NOTHING, you will GET NOTHING!

I'm getting frustrated posting to you, and I've been trying to help you from the start, but I can't help you if you won't help yourself. It's no wonder your WW walks all over you because you just let her. It's time to MAN UP, and do some serious exposing THIS WEEKEND! NO EXCUSES! I want all of OM's family and WW's family to know this weekend, and if they still work together, I want her work to know as well. No excuses. I'm not going to waste my time with you anymore if you are unwilling or unable to help yourself. You know what you need to do, JUST DO IT! Do you know that I exposed THE SAME DAY THAT I REGISTERED HERE? I'm still married. The longer you go on, the worse your chances will be. I'm done posting to you until you expose. Good luck.

Talk to a PI today. He'll have that info for you by tomorrow. Do it now. Take the day off. Get it done.

Oh, and find OM's parents while you are at it, and expose to them as soon as you are done talking to OMW's parents.

Agreed with Jim. You commented that:

Point blank...you DO want her to feel all the pressure of this A being exposed. THAT'S THE POINT!!!

You want everyone putting the kibash on this affair...you want them to convince her and OM to end it. You want them to have to deal with things in the light of day...not sneaking around trysting behind everyone's back!

Don't tell your wife that you're GOING to expose. Just expose...tell them the point blank truth, explain that you're asking their help to get the affair ended and that you love your wife and want to rebuild your marriage. Do it in such a manner that its impossible for your wife to spin it like you're crazy or something. And do it BEFORE she can put that spin out there...if you tell her you're going to, she WILL take steps to negate what you're doing.

Seriously, you've heard it from a number of people.

QUIT BEING AFRAID!!!

Step up and DO SOMETHING ABOUT ALL OF THIS!!

Now I feel as though I upset you all...
Thanks

Don't any of you remember how hard it is to survice an affair? Don't any of you remember how you felt just before exposure and the aprehensions you must have had?

Has exposure ever not worked and indeed ruined a marriage that could have possible been repaired?

I'm seeking answers here, not ridicule please.

GCIC...

Seriously, you REALLY, REALLY need to do what Jim and Owl are advising you to do...EXPOSE THIS AFFAIR...You asked if they remember what it was like to survive an affair...I can assure you that they do and they are doing all that they can to help YOU benefit from their own experiences...Now I'm gonna give it to you from the other side of the fence so to speak...

I am a FWW...Here's what I KNOW...IF Mr. W would have exposed just to the OM's parents the affair would have ended THAT DAY, in our situation...I AM POSITIVE...What eventually did happen in our case was that I exposed myself to my mom...MY MOM WAS MAJOR PO'ed-We got very lucky there, that is usually not the case around these parts...My mom just rocks...Anyway, she called Mr. W and TOGETHER they came up with a plan...Exposure with a twist you might say...Because my mom had known OM since we were children, SHE called him and made VERY real threats to him, and because he knew my mom he KNEW those threats were credible...Anyway, he dumped me the very next day-AFFAIR O-V-E-R, kaput...Okay, I NEVER advise threats because they do not work in most all cases-our situation was the exception rather than the rule...Better to follow the rule...What I want you to take from this is that Mr. W and my mom took ACTION to combat the affair...And guess what? Today Mr. W and I have a wonderful recovered marriage...And we would have no matter how the exposure happened-IT JUST HAD TO ACTUALLY HAPPEN...No matter how mad I would have been at the time...ANGER YOUR MARRIAGE CAN SURVIVE, AN ONGOING AFFAIR IT CANNOT...Do you understand this? "YES", you say? THEN GET CRACKIN' AND EXPOSE DANG IT...We want you to save your marriage!!! Your WW will thank you one day...I REPEATEDLY thank Mr. W and my mom for saving me from myself...GO BE HER HERO...TODAY!!! Will you do this?

Mrs. W

P.S. No one ever regrets doing the RIGHT thing...Make no mistake about it, exposure IS the right thing...

You asked:

""Has exposure ever not worked and indeed ruined a marriage that could have possible been repaired?""


Impossible to know. Those marriages are over, and we will never know if "exposure" was the cause or THE AFFAIR was the cause. I would bet on the AFFAIR being the cause.

However, we do know for certain that AFFAIRS that are NOT exposed CERTAINLY lead to divorce.

Exposure of my affair was the singlemost dreadful and frightening event for me. I had to face just how ugly my actions were.

And look at your wife's!!! Mine was just a plain old ordinary affair -- your wife is actually stealing a husband from a DYING WOMAN. How ugly is that??? Honestly.

Do you think she is PROUD of this relationship?
Its your job to make sure she can NEVER be proud of this relationship by making sure EVERYONE knows of its origin.
Her family will NEVER accept OM when they know he was screwing your wife while his wife was dying.
So where does that leave her? Do you think she is willing to give up her family for this relationship? I very much doubt it.

But if you stay silent, she will be allowed to spin this into a relationship that started AFTER you had marriage problems, AFTER you divorced, and AFTER his wife died.
YUCK. Are you really going to let that happen??

And YES -- she will be FURIOUS. Temporarily. You will see venom like never before.

But if you don't do this, its like willingly going to your own execution....

GCIC-

I do remember what it was like. I felt powerless, helpless in the face of this disaster.

In my case, my wife was completely set to fly away and move in with OM...WHOM SHE'D NEVER MET IN PERSON!!!

Here's the thing...I knew that if I didn't do something to change the situation, I'd lost her. There was no doubt in my mind. Inaction was my worst enemy, and I knew it. Her mind was already set. So during that week before she was supposed to get on the plane to go meet OM, I exposed. To EVERYONE. Her friends and family. My friends and family. No exposure on OM's side, even my wife didn't actually know anything about his family and friends.

I called ALL of them. I asked them to talk with her, to help her see how what she was doing was wrong, was destroying our family, was in fact DANGEROUS because she knew so little about OM in truth. At first, her sister told her that she loved her and would stand with whatever choice she made, even if she didn't agree with it. Then her sister called her back a few hours later and told her that this WASN'T how she felt. She actually felt that my (at the time) WW was being a complete idiot. That she'd been envious of our marriage for YEARS. She KNEW how good our marriage was, what a wonderful husband and father I was. And that my WW was being an idiot for giving that up.

My wife was FURIOUS with me. How could I have expected my her to listen to her sister...since she KNEW that she was so envious of our marriage. I remember my response to my wife very clearly...I asked her to name ONE PERSON who knew us and WASN'T envious of our marriage. ONE, out of all the people and friends and family. She couldn't. I asked her to think hard about what that might mean, and then walked away.

Here's the thing. Your wife WILL leave you if you don't do something to end the affair. It's a GIVEN FACT. Inaction is YOUR enemy too.

You're afraid of her anger right now. You're afraid that this will push her away. What you're not seeing is that she IS leaving you...go back and re-read your own posts here and see why I'm saying that. She's ALREADY GONE. All you can do is take action to win her back...also known as, "plan A".

Its up to you. I'm not mad or upset with you. This isn't my marriage, its yours. Mine is nicely recovered. I'm offering you advice on how to get there...but whether your choose to do so or not isn't my problem. Its yours.

So, what's YOUR game plan, if you don't like the one that we (and the H's) are recommending?

I just got done reading the emails that WW and OM have been sending back and forth since December 19th of last year. As mentioned this went to the PA side in terms of kissing etc late winter and it took til a few weeks ago when she said she was going to Florida for her to have sex with him.

All the while eary this year we made love, celebrated our 3rd anniversary, entertained at parties, etc.

She has left me and based on her demands will still leave me if I don't do what she says.

One threat she made to me this weekend was that if I messed things up this weekend that I was out. Well, damnit, I almost puked re-reading the escallation of the emails and seeing the number of phone calls.

No I am not ready to be single yet again. And yes I will be kicked out of the house (maybe for a day or maybe for weeks or forever) seeing that she will not want our son exposed to this stuff... but I am through.

Even without OM family's info, I will make it clear to her co-workers (who know him as well) what is going on... that will be the influance there. And I will expose to our good friends, her mom and her brother.

Please wish me luck.

I feel like Rambo.

CGCT, I hope you are not too weary of martial fears conflicting with the advice you are being given (loudly). These people aren't angry with you (at least, I don't think they are), they just want to make sure you understand what they believe is the best action to take. It seems that there are certain steps that need to be taken sequentially to maximize your odds of recovery. In this case, it appears that you are not fully taking advantage of a key step.

Your wife is insinuating how special her A is. And how fragile your M is. How very unique and unstoppable this situation is, so don't you dare try to stop it. And the frustrating part is that you are buying into it. You are buying into how easily she can leave you. Reality is that A's are commonplace, trite, banal, predictible. And this predictibility, based on Harley's experience, has proven that exposure will do more good for your M than harm.

It is your decision to expose or not. But your efforts will need to be exponentially greater if the A does not have that extra pressure on it. And with OM still in the picture, you will have a harder time meeting WW needs. Frankly, recovering from an A is tough enough, the way I see it, you are adding to your already heavy workload by skipping this step. Naturally, that is your choice to make.

Good -- Rambo is right on.

Talk to your son too. He is 13, he has a right to the truth about his life (age appropriate). Let him know you are fighting to keep this family together and even if his mom makes you leave you'll still fight for it!

And really, talk to a lawyer about your rights. I think you can stay home. I guarantee she hasn't looked into it.
So you will be armed with more information than her.
Call an attorney right now for a free consultation. Tell them your marital situation and her home ownership and see if she has any method to force you out.
Forewarned is Forearmed!

She is using her anger to manipulate you into silence. She is threatening to leave you if you don't follow her rules. She wants you to NOT interfere in her affair. She wants you to shut up and sit quietly while she DESTROYS you behind your back. That is NOT REASONABLE!

Stop letting her manipulate you with threats!

You can do this GCIC!~!

GET OM's INFO. It is not that hard to do. JUST DO IT!

OM is not in the position right now to take on your wife.
Think about this. His wife is on the organ transplant list.
Do you REALLY think he is going to disrupt his life to take care of your wife when this all blows up?

He will walk away from her in a heartbeat!
Do not wait for later. Now is the time to do this.
You have GOT to get to his family. And OMW's family.

son is only 10... not 13, but I will try and follow what steps I can to let him kow I want to be in this family.

As for OM and OMW family info... going to have to do some good digging.

Trust me, I remember what it was like, and it was getting my *ssed chewed out by the good posters here that got me to expose. And when you do expose, trust me, she'll say it's over and say every other ruthless thing she can say to hurt you because you RUINED her fun. My WW told me that what I did ruined any chance or reconciliation and started calling lawyers immediately. I was FREAKING OUT. But you know what? She CAVED FIVE DAYS LATER later under the pressure.

Also, DON'T ALLOW HER TO KICK YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE! If anyone goes, it's HER. If she tries to pull any tricks like calling the cops, buy a voice activated digital recorder secretly record her saying she's making it up as the cops are on their way. Then SHE goes to JAIL! That will put a major damper on her ENTITLEMENT! Fight fire with fire! Grab your balls and go! You know what happened to the French when they got on their knees and surrendered. The Germans rolled right over them. They didn't care that they went peacefully. Appeasement does not work.

I have a message in to an attorney in our area to see what I legally need to do.

5 days huh? And what was she like after that?

You're still not getting it.

How is she going to kick you out of the house??? Is she going to physically pick you up and carry you to the door? Beat you until you leave? If so, call the cops for domestic violence, and have HER removed from the home.

She gonna call the cops on you FIRST? For what? Do you have a history of physical abuse or domestic violence? If not, then its her word against yours. If it comes down to it, get a digital recorder and have it on and running in your pocket for ANY interaction with your wife. When the cops show up, play it back for them. Who do you see getting removed in THAT scenario?

Dude...you are GIVING her all the power and authority here. How can she make you leave against your will? How can she dictate to you what YOU will or won't do? What you need to do is take that power to run things back. Start making the decisions on what's going to happen in YOUR home. What you'll tolerate in YOUR life. If she doesn't like those decisions, that's her choice to leave. Without the kids, without any financial support, etc...

See where I'm going here?

Owl --
you may have missed some details, but son is step-son to GC.

and house is owned by WW...GC is not on the mortgage or title.

WW has been threatening to make him leave....

If it's a MARITAL home, most states don't care who's on the lease. It's now marital property. A lawful spouse has the same rights to live there. It doesn't matter who is on the lease.

Just the same as if she tried to sell it during a divorce proceeding. Its a marital asset.

Now, on preventing his son from leaving...that I can't say anything on. This should DEFINITELY be discussed with his lawyer. Perhaps he should request a counselor be brought in to assess his wife's parental competency.

I know she's THREATENED to make him leave. I also suggested earlier in this thread that he talk with the local sheriff's department to find out what can legally be done here. Has that happened yet?

She can't "make" him leave. They are married, and it is his residence as well. It will take a court order to have him removed. There is no need to consult a lawyer for this. You are doing nothing that will compromise your legal standing by exposing and refusing to leave YOUR house. You should call a PI today and prepare to expose this weekend. NO EXCUSES!