All-
Thank you all for your support and suggestions! WW said she notices the differences (Plan A) but too little too late. She said it should not of taken her to leave inorder for me change. She said it is time to move on and I need to accept this as well. She is throwing in the towel.

I could go to Plan B but I think she might like that.

Good reason to continue your Plan A. She will probably even get angry at your changes, but she will notice and she will be thinking about how it might be if you two were to reconcile.

If there has not been a previous affair and this is an abhoration of her normal character, continue your Plan A.

Do not base your plan on the actions/reactions and especially the words of your WS. That would be the end of everyone's Plan A if they let that thwart them.

See my sig line. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hey where did my sig line go? I'll try again.

Ben,

Stopping now, IMHO, is the wrong move.

If she admits to noticing the changes then your PlanA IS working!

As Weaver said, do not listen to everything the WS says. They are trying to get you off your plan.

This is a test whether she realizes it or not.

She is looking to see if you are as determined as you SAY. She needs to see by your ACTIONS that you are serious and that the changes you have made are permanent.

My WH said the same thing to me in Feb. I am still in plan A.

Hang in there!

Ben:

Catch the towel.

And then play catch with her.

When you decide to throw in the towel, THEN thats when the M is over. Not when the WW thinks so. Because she isn't think straight right now.

Listen to Bugs, she is the Plan A Goddess!

LG

Stick with plan A and don't let her shake you, stand strong. My W said the same thing about it being too late and told me to move on. My W has filed for the big D and still blames me for the break down of the marriage, go figure! But I've learned that it's not all my fault and she's going to take her delusional attitude into another R.

weaver- "but she will notice and she will be thinking about how it might be if you two were to reconcile."
Man I wish she thought about that....or does she but she "talks" herself out of it.

I am dam determined.....no LB's recently Meds are helping the judgments and outburts.

I just wish WW were aroud more to experience Plan A in full force. All I want is a chance.....

The only thing going right now is she hasn't taken any steps forward.....attorneys etc etc.

Ben - how about a recap?

Your marriage isn't over until you decide it is. It took me from August to last month to save my marriage.

Ben:

You state:

"The only thing going right now is she hasn't taken any steps forward.....attorneys etc etc. "

So your STILL IN CHARGE!

Work the plan!

LG

Ben,

I would repeat what Jim just said.

The hardest part of Plan A is just doing it without expecting it to show instant payoff.

If she won't commit to saving the marriage: Do Plan A.

If she won't agree to meet your ENs: Do Plan A.

If she If she won't agree to counseling: Do Plan A.

If she wants to continue to spout WS-FOGSPEAK-Alien-Babble-Blah-Blah-Blah...: Do Plan A.

You do Plan A until YOU are at the point where YOU can no longer do it and are in danger of your love for her turning to hate...Then you do Plan B.

You do Plan B until they drag you kicking and screaming from the courtroom after the divorce is over...If you still want her, you wait two more years before beginning another relationship.

It ain't over till YOU say it's over.

Mark

Plan A is still in action, I will do it for as long as I can. WW and I had a nice talk 2 nite, not about "us" but about life in general. No LB's no outbursts no anything I think I scored a few deposits even.

WW sent me a text message stating it was one of the nicest talks we have had in a while and that she enjoyed it

WSs do not enjoy "us" (read:relationship/marriage) talks, so it's probably best to avoid them at this stage unless absolutely necessary.

This is the wife's email.

"Listen, I know this is really hard for all of us, but this is what I need to do. My parents are on my back, trying to make me feel sorry for you, telling me that I am not an adult and I am running away from my son and my life, when that is not the case at all. I know you think that I am living it up, but all I do is go home, eat dinner, take a bath, watch tv and go to bed. I am not living the single life. I miss my son terribly, however, I do not want to move back home, I need to do this. You need to accept this, my mom cries to me because she thinks I am the bad person and you can do no wrong in her eyes, and well it's freaking ridiculous. I know what I am doing, I have thought about it, and yes, it will and is a tough decision, but John I don't feel like a wife to you, I feel like a friend, you love me in a way that I do not love you. I do not desire you in that way anymore, nor have I for a while. Yes we do have fun together, but I need more than you can give me. The feelings are not there, I need to move on. I am not being influenced by anyone, this is 100% my decision. Just please understand that it is hard for me too, but this is what I want. And stop making me feel guilty and trying to make my parents feel like it is 100% my fault and I am a terriable person. It takes 2 to make a marriage go bad. I love my son with all my heart and whatever it takes to make him happy I will do it. We need to do things in his best interest, I know, and unfortunatly, staying married isn't going to do it. I'm not happy being married anymore, this is what I need to do and you need to accept it. Stop trying to "bribe" me back, I appreciate and see all your are trying to do, but like I said before, a little too late, and it shouldn't have taken me telling you that I am leaving you for things to change. We will always be in each others lives, I will always care for you very much, so we need to work through this like adults, in a cival way, and not fight. I told you that I will never speak badly of you, I hope you would do the same for me. I feel like I am your friend, not wife, and things have been that way for a while, I am comfortable with you, but not in our marriage. I will always treasure our 10 years together, but I need to move on with my life. I know it will be very hard for me, I will struggle, but knowing that we can work through all this as cival adults, will make it all ok. Please don't talk badly with my parents or yours, and please don't blame all of this on me. I know your trying, but now you need to accept this and work through this."

I'd simply tell her that you didn't talk badly about her to her parents...you simply told them the truth of what's going on. That you asked them for their help in recovering your marriage. The observations they made about her 'not acting like an adult' were their own. They came to that conclusion based on her present behavior.

As far as the rest of it, let her know that you do accept that there were things that you did that contributed to the state of the marriage, you acknowldge that and have made LONG term changes in yourself to make sure that those never come back. As far as it 'taking her telling you that she was leaving'...how well did she really tell you what was wrong before that what the problems and issues were in your marriage?

My wife said the same thing...our MC did a great job of derailing that train by simply asking her "When did you TELL HIM, EXACTLY, what was wrong?" followed by "OK, give me examples of exactly when and what you said.". She COULDN'T...and she was forced to see that she couldn't expect me to change what she never asked me to change.

I'd finish up with letting her know that you ARE trying to handle this as a 'civil adult'...you're working and fighting to save your marriage! That IS being civil. There is NOTHING civil in divorce.

Just my thoughts at least.

Well, she is just spouting off what they all say. Wish some WS could at least be original.

Is your wife working outside the home?

I think you need to start thinking about gettting custody of your son, and child support. Although she says she will do whatever is best for your child, it is obvious that running off with another man isn't. She doesn't see that, so you need to protect your family.

I know right.....I have read in so many other posts that a WS says the same thing my WW is saying. I think Plan A has impacted her to some degree. I also too think she expects me to "take the next step", which I won't! I thought the same thing, doing whats best for DS but have an A is not best for him.

During our last "LB sesssion" I asked why would you want to raise our child in an appt. Whats best for him is for us to reconcile and rebuild. I will never say that again! However, that was before I started plan A.

I want her to shake this 'friends' concept and let me meet her EN's and show her how things can be.

As long as she is having an affair, she won't shake the friends concept. Your best bet is staying in Plan A until the affair ends. But I would take steps to protect the family financially.

Does she work outside the home?

John,

You have this backwards. You will need to take the lead and do all that she will allow you to do as far as meeting any of her EN. As time goes on and you wear on her (by meeting her EN) then she will lose the "friends" feelings and start feeling the "love" thing agian for you.

Ok so she is not at home with you, but will she go to dinner with you and DS? Nothing too heavy maybe pizza? You have to start adding to her LB and the little things add up over time.

Ben,

You can tell her, without it being a LB, that you will NOT be friends if you D.

My WH said time and time again that we should be friends.

NOPE! I do not need another friend, especially one that would treat me the way a WS does! I need my H. You need your W. Nothing wrong with stating that as your truth!