I would tell her that you aren't going to accept this. If she wants a divorce, then you will never be a part of her life again. You understand that she feels nothing for you right now, but you've talked to many people who have recovered from this exact same situation. It took time for this marriage to get to this point and it will take time for you to fix it. You are willing to do the heavy lifting by yourself for a long time in the hopes that she will eventually join up with you. There will be no civil divorce though. She is either your wife or nothing to you. You are not prepared to give up no matter what she says. You made a commitment to be with her in good times in bad, and you are weathering the bad times in the hopes they might be good again. After this, stop talking about the relationship and just focus on meeting her needs and avoiding LBs. After several months of plan A, she may START to reconsider. Don't expect immediate payback. This is a marathon, not a spint.

A 6 year long affair with a single man. Has her own apartment in order to satisfy the State's requirement of a 12 month separation prior to granting a divorce. Divorce papers all drawn up and ready to be served. Already accepted a proposal of marriage from her OM. Wearing the OM's mother's rings. Ready to be "free" of the marriage, and oh ya, "the kid will be just fine with a broken home and a mother who puts her 'feeling's' ahead of anything and everyone else." One last thing..."no, there's no other man."

bennetj325 - Does that sound like your wife? Probably not, since that was MY wife.

Hard truth - your wife IS in an affair. All that MAY be going on right now is a "temporary suspension" to "throw off the dogs."

Hard truth - IF you really want your marriage and want to have your wife back, and this will be emotionally really hard, STAY in Plan A for at least 6 months.

Hard truth - There are NO "guarantees" that you marriage can be saved, so you need to protect your assets, both for yourself and for your son. If you can afford it on a solo income, DO NOT sell your house. Stay there and let it be the stable refuge for both your son and you.

Hard truth - as the reality of what she is doing begins to close in on her, especially from others who think Adultery is wrong, EXPECT her to get more defensive and resort to anger, hurtful words and actions, ANYTHING that she thinks can convince YOU to "toss in towel" and let her have her way.

Hard truth - if you want your marriage, contact an attorney and prepare for a divorce FOR CAUSE if she eventually decides to file for divorce. Mortarman can give you some great advice in this area as well as Mr. Wondering. Protect everything from the twisted thinking of spouse that has been "abducted" by the "adultery alien."

IF you want your marriage, the battle has just been engaged. You are fighting some minor skirmishes right now, but like all wars, they are long and it takes time. ONE day at a time. Work on "plan A" changes in you that may be needed because they ARE needed regardless of whether or not you remain married. They make YOU a better, more attractive, more desirable person, no matter what the future may hold.

Want a brief view into the mind of a Wayward Wife?


"My parents are on my back, trying to make me feel sorry for you, telling me that I am not an adult and I am running away from my son and my life, when that is not the case at all."

Of course that's not the case. She is totally absorbed in her FEELINGS, and rational thought plays no part in it. All she is doing is the typical rationalization of BEING an adulterous and the typical justification for doing what she KNOWS is wrong. "It can't be wrong because it makes me feel so good it must be right." Yep. And pigs fly too.


"I am not living the single life."

Of course not. She's living the Adulteress life, the Abandonment of Husband and Child life, the "ME FIRST!" life, AND she is RIGHT....she is NOT single.


"I miss my son terribly, however, I do not want to move back home, I need to do this."

No she doesn't "need to do this." She WANTS to do this. Her TAKER is full action. Ignore statements like this because it's pure "fog" and pure rationalization. LOVE does not focus on SELF first. She'll eventually begin to realize this, but maybe not for a long time, so hang in there.


"my mom cries to me because she thinks I am the bad person and you can do no wrong in her eyes, and well it's freaking ridiculous."

Yes it is ridiculous, but it's straight out of the Wayward Spouse manual, page 1, "Deny anything that says or suggest that you could be wrong in being selfish and self-centered and engaging in a decidely hurtful, perhaps even evil, activity."


"I know what I am doing, I have thought about it,"

Of course she's "thought about it." That's all a Wayward Spouse does, think of ways to justify their behavior and then DUMP it on the Faitful Spouse as if the CAUSE for their bad behavior is YOU. See: Gaslighting (a thread on MB) for more detail.


"I don't feel like a wife to you, I feel like a friend, you love me in a way that I do not love you. I do not desire you in that way anymore, nor have I for a while."

Ahh....the old "feelings" are what define "Love." Fact: feelings come AFTER choosing to act in loving ways toward someone. You are now an "old comfortable shoe" but not the shiny new spike heels to go with her miniskirt and mesh stockings that adds "spice" to her feelings.

Her "not for a while" again shows her adultery has been planned for a long time, looking for those erotic feelings that come with LUST.


"I am not being influenced by anyone, this is 100% my decision."

This is the FIRST TRUTH statement she has made. It IS 100% her choice to be an adulteress, no matter what she thinks might be "lacking" in your marriage.


"It takes 2 to make a marriage go bad."

NO, it takes only ONE to make a marriage go Adulterously bad. It DOES take 2 to WORK at making a good, loving, marriage or to create an "atmosphere" where someone might think "the grass might be greener" in someone else's pasture.


"I love my son with all my heart and whatever it takes to make him happy I will do it."

No she doesn't. She wants to do what she thinks will maker HER happy. She is NOT a "loving mother," she is a selfish, self-centered woman, who wants you to THINK she cares, and wants to fool herself into thinking her actions WON'T have a negative impact on your son.


"I'm not happy being married anymore, this is what I need to do and you need to accept it."

You do NOT have to accept it, so don't. "Happiness" is a feeling, it is NOT a commitment, nor is it Love. It is "desire" masquerading as justification for doing ANYTHING that makes her "feel good."


"Stop trying to "bribe" me back, I appreciate and see all your are trying to do, but like I said before, a little too late, and it shouldn't have taken me telling you that I am leaving you for things to change."

Bribery doesn't work. REAL "Plan A" changes do. And no, her leaving wasn't needed, her being HONEST with you about her dissatisfaction areas was needed, but she chose the coward's way out instead of WORKING to attain what was needed.


"We will always be in each others lives, I will always care for you very much, so we need to work through this like adults, in a cival way, and not fight."

This is WAR, and she has declared it. Her objective is the total destruction of your marriage, with your son as the "prize" that goes to the victor. Do NOT buy this line in her attempt to get you to capitulate and surrender withour a fight.


"I will struggle, but knowing that we can work through all this as cival adults, will make it all ok."

As long as she "Get's he way." That makes it all "okay."

So why not letting her struggle now. Cut off all joint assets and joint access to money. Get with your attorney now.


bennetj325 - She has declared the war and wants it to be fought "her way." Don't make that mistake.

Go back and read the opening paragraph. Things can and will change IF you remain steadfast and focused, committed to enduring all the pain and all the uncertainty, and WORKING the war plan. The marriage MIGHT end in divorce, but NOT because you caved in and didn't do all that you could do. Adultery is NOT acceptable and DIVORCE is not the answer to marital problems. What? Does she think your marital situation is "unique?" "Moral relativism" is NOT a lesson you want your son to learn, so teach him that there are some things worth fighting for.

God bless.

ForEverHers- WOW!!! Its all the things I said to myself but scared to say that too her.

R talks are over unless initiated by her. If she wants the D then she will have to initiate it and I will go down with a fight. All I want is to say I tried my hardest and this was not my fault!

I replied to her email, "I hear you and understand what you are saying. I am not going to challenge you as these are your feelings. However, I see these as growing opurtunities and it takes 2 build a marriage. I am open to discussing them further with you when and if you are ready. Also, I feel you need to discuss your issues with your parents. I can help in anyway I can but for now lets enjoy our son and see where things go. I never forgot what a wonderful person you are and all the joy you brought to my life. I always appreciated all you did for me, our son, and our marriage. I was always proud of you I just wish things were handled differently"

I gave "us" a date to work things out of 3 weeks before I take any drastic steps. I have already spoken to an attorney and the best thing he can say at this point is to make things "stable" before you address custody and financial matters. He said it will make things easier if you can wait and let the initial shock wear off.

I have a game plan prepared for Plan B and another for legal steps. I am just riding the rollercoaster right now. I got bumbed out by her email.

3 WEEKS?!?!?

Tell her you are going to fight for your marriage for AT LEAST one year and see how she responds. She's having an affair and has another man waiting in the wings. She doesn't to be the bad guy and wants you to agree to this divorce so she won't have to feel bad. HOWEVER, she doesn't want to have to wait a WHOLE YEAR to make her relationship with her new OM legitimate, so she'll this will probably strike a huge blow to her fantasy.

Jim- I meant 3 weeks before I begin working on the official custody and financial concerns. Currently we are stil 100% joint, both pay checks get direct deposited and bills are paid from joint checking. She can see our son anytime she wants, stop in on the way home from work and help me put him to bed then leaves. It is all informal right now. WW still labels it as a trial seperation.

She knows I wont make the next move and knows I am this for the long haul.

Latest situation...
This morning WW called and said she had one of her really bad migraines, so bad she might go to the hospital. I said if you need me to take you let me know or if you need anything else let me know. I didnt hear from her so I called to ask how she was feeling and she was already at the hospital and the OM took her and was sitting with her.
She didnt call to tell me she was going she just went and called the OM to take her!
She said she didnt want to worry me. I replied you are still my wife and mother of our son and I have the right to know. WW reply was I will be fine. WW said if I need an update to call the OM. She ended the conversation with that.

Time to vent.....
This put me over the edge, I am ready to skip the rest of Plan A and B and go right for the D. She made it clear she would rather have him there than me! She didnt even tell her parents, I did! She told me not to come there and there was nothing I could do. I am crushed, how could she ignore me like that.

Someone please talk me down or tell me what to do?

Monday morning quarterbacking here .....

if I were you
hearing spouse was at the hospital with an acute medical problem with the nasty OP....

I would drive directly to the hospital
find them

and announce in a very loud voice

YOU ARE GOING TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW
THIS WOMAN IS MY WIFE
NOT YOURS
I WILL ASSIST HER
YOU WILL LEAVE NOW

and stare him dowm
make him leave

then take care of your wife

..... like I said

monday morning ....

but really
step up in an unexpected way next opportunity

When a WS does things and says things that hurt us deeply, we have choices...

Accept what they say and do without question, nod our head and agree that our life together is over and that it is all our fault....

OR...

Simply refuse to listen and pretend it will all go away because they don't really mean what they are saying or doing...

OR...

Attempt to single handedly save our marriage because it is the right thing to attempt to do and make certain that everything we do is toward that end, in spite of what the WS is doing, saying or thinking...


I wonder which one has a chance of saving a marriage...

If my FWW had called me from KY (400 miles away from here) to tell me she might be going to the hospital for any reason, I'd have gotten speeding tickets in at least three states on the way there. BTW, KY is where OM lives, right next door to where she was "visiting" all of the time. I might not have been able to beat him to her, but you can bet he'd remember that he'd get beat if he didn't go away when I arrived.

Just an observation here...

She called and said "I don't feel well. I might need to go to the hospital."

She then called OM and said the same to him.

You called to check on her...
He was already there...

You made a choice.
So did he.
How do you think it might influence her choices?

What's wrong with this picture?

You got mad because she was with him.
She called you and you did what exactly to make LB$ deposits?
You could have been her knight in shining armor.
You instead reinforced her already low opinion of you.
You opted to argue over past hurts instead of showing her how much you love her.
You could have gone to her at once, but were probably busy with something else.

Could she maybe be testing you to see if you really mean what you say?

This Plan A stuff is really hard! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

It was only a 2X4 when I started whittling and by the time I finished it only LOOKED like a baseball bat...Well, maybe it felt like one, but it was only a stick when I started...Just a wee little stick about a meter in length and as big around as my finger...or maybe my arm, my upper arm...just a limb...sort of a timber, really...before I started cutting it down to size...and shape...like a baseball bat... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Does that show intent?

Mark

I am totally with Pep on this one.

This is a WAR and you cannot afford to retreat from skirmishs, no matter how "mad" your foggy wife might get. Time to put the OM "on notice" that things will NOT be "nice and easy." Besides...."in sickness and in health," be faithful to YOUR vows.

Side benefit...you will feel much better for standing "Toe to Toe" with the OM and revealing HIS sick values.

God bless.

Yes he did call and say the same as me but the difference is/was WW is staying with him! He came home got her and took her. SHe told me she'd rather have him there than me. When she told me I was shaking I was so worried for her. I have always been there for her. Now she doesn't want me around.
Man I wanted to be there! I should of gone there and if nothing else sat there silently waiting for the results. She told me not to come, I guess I was too hurt. She told me she was staying with her friend Jen but that was a lie. She is staying with OM.

OM knows this will not be easy as I spoke to him and told him that. When WW told me to call him for an update it was a 2x4 to the head. WW didnt even want to talk to me...she would rather me talk to OM.

I feel like I am losing the war, can't fight if I am kept in the dark. Guess I blew that one!

Don't worry about blowing it. She is just behaving like they all do - textbook case. The affair always ends. He won't be able to meet all of her needs. Stay in Plan A.

Tx, I needed that. I was so hurt all logical thinking went out the window. Plan A is still here WW even said again she sees the changes but she tried to make it work. She said where were these chnages when we tried the 1st time. WW admitted she tried to end contact with OM but missed him too much.

Did my usual snooping and discovered WW and OM now have a joint credit card or WW added OW to her account. Their account name is a combo of their names. WW canceled our family cell phone plan and opened her own.
I fear she is too far down the road........

Plan A is getting harder and harder as I feel like I am losing her. Do I go to Plan B now?

It is only as hard as you want to make it. Are you a quitter? Want to give up already? Every little bump in the road make you want to give in to what she wants? Suck it up guy and do the right thing, and quitting NOW is NOT the right thing.

Larry

How long have you plan A'ed. You should try to go at least 3 months of a decent plan A. Once you cannot plan A any further, then you are ready for plan B, but you need to prepare for it first.

Also, have you exposed these facts to her family?

I think you need to start targeting your exposure at OM. Right now your WW is torn and is experiencing pressure to end the affair, but the OM is free to pursue your W. Make it not worth his while to continue fooling around with her. I would suggest digging up all the info and information on the OM as possible. After all the sayings go, "know your enemy" and "keep your friends close but your enemies closer." Use nuclear exposure and expose this guy to everyone in a position to look down on him. Expose to his ex-wife, family, friends, boss, church, everyone. Up until now he has had no consequences for his actions. Get a PI to help dig up dirt on this guy. He's making your life he11, and it's time for you to fight fire with fire. This will cause some LBing between him and your wife because she won't be able to "control" you and stop making his life difficult. The best way to end the affair is to make OM end it because your W isn't worth the trouble.

really struggling here....WW has said some things and done some things lately that is making me want to give up Plan A. I need some words to keep me going. Her A is growing and I can see it right in front of my face. She is not hiding it and no one else seems to care. I did my best to expose to OM friends. WW family knows, and they are mad but WW doesnt care.
I am starting to question if I really want to fight for her....

Have you exposed the affair to her family?

After having a major LB last night I have no choice but to go to Plan B. I am prepared.....so i tell myself.

The same ol' story, WW asks are you OK? My reply was "does it matter anymore" WW says " I care about how you feel" I say "well OK, your A is tearing me apart and you don't seem to care how it is impacting me, our son, our friends, or our families" WW replies "I care" I ask then why are you doing this?" WW gives the blank stare....then gets up and says "I dont want to argue, you are making me feel guilty and like I am a piece of sh*t" I didn't reply, I just watched her storm out of the house.......

Everyday I come home and something else is gone....WW is taking more and more things to decorate her and OM's new apartment. I have asked her time and time again not to without asking me but WW said (with an attitude)"they are my things tOo and I dont need your permission".

I feel like I am fence sitting now, do I continue to fight or just walk away and file for the big D.

Where are your children staying?

Get her out of the house (legally, via temporary order), get primary custody of the children, order to include OM not being around children, don't allow her to take anything else, furniture, money, etc, split finances and do not fund her affair (give her all of her bills), ask for child support and PLAN B her.