Get with a lawyer and file for legal separation. You need to get custody in order and legally keep her from taking anything else. That should put a damper on her entitlement. Then you go to plan B. So, call up a lawyer today, and get working on your plan B letter. Post it here for us to critique before you give it to her. Just suck it up for a little longer until you get these things taken care of.

That's WHY she said those things and will say more of them while she is in her Affair.

I told you previously that she was still in her affair. While it may have gone temporarily "underground" so she could try to fool people into believing she was the "bad" one her, it is obviously out in the open and raging again just like a forest fire that will devour anyone in it's path.

So, the going has gotten tough. Are you go to "get going" or are you going to do what she wants and surrender?

This is your marriage and the mother of your children. Just how hard are you willing to protect, care, and fight for her even when she is being "self-destructive?"

"For better or for worse...."

It doesn't get much worse than Adultery, but we aren't talking about HER vows, are we? We are talking about your vows and whether or not you MEANT them and intend to stand by them.

The answer to your question is not up to us, it is up to you.

If you choose to "fight" for regaining the woman who WAS your wife, instead of the alien that has possessed her and only looks like your wife on the outside, the folks here on MB will help you with everything that has been learned "the hard way," from when they were where you find yourself today.

If you choose divorce, that is your right.

Regardless, it is at least time to "turn up the righteous pressure." Contact an attorney immediately for a Legal Separation and to prepare for a divorce for CAUSE. Be ready to separate all the finances, you take it all because she won't pay the bills, you will have to.

She has CHOSEN to live apart and not try. Previously I said to stay in Plan A for 6 months, but I don't think you are strong enough to do that, so get with an attorney now and make it clear if she asks about it, that you want her back as your wife and the mother of your child, but you are NOT willing to have an "open marriage" where she can have an affair with anyone else, nor will you allow your child to see you "tolerating" a blatant and selfish sin. You will protect things not for yourself, but for your son who you are committed to fathering as a "good and faithful father."

She'll get mad, but so what? Actions HAVE consequences, and she is going to have to start living with all of the consequences, not just the little "feel good bubble" that she's been living in.

If she says she "cares for you," tell her you are not interested in her idea of "care" because rape is NOT very caring, and she is raping the marriage and you emotionally.

One thing a WS needs to see is how deeply they have hurt the one they supposedly "care about." Don't be afraid to let her know that.

Read up on "Reverse Babble," because you are going to NEED to learn it FAST and be prepared to use it every time your wife opens her alien motivated mouth.

From another of your threads:


She didn't turn her back on you, she never was "there." You don't seem to want to admit it, but she has been in a CONTINUOUS affair and only LIED to others to make them believe that she had "stopped contact, etc." You also don't want to admit that it has become a Physical Affair, but trust me on this one, NO WS goes to the extremes she has gone without it have gone Physical. So can you deal with and still want her back?

God bless.

All- WW has ended the physical&emotional A that lasted 9 months. She admitted they were living together and very physical and even discussed marriage with him. All of the lies were exposed, she answered truthfully to what I asked her as I had proof from my snoping.

She moved home this weekend and stated this is where she belongs. She still loves OM and cried to me that she misses him and their lifestyle but realized with me is where she wants to her life with. She wants to start over, start fresh and rebuild our love and mariage.

Plan A made the light-bulb go off but Plan B and a letter from my lawyer made her see the light. After hours of crying (from her) and asking me to help her and make it work I agreed.

Now, what can I do to help her through this? She agreed to my list of "demands" NC, new phone # etc etc.

Do I pretend like this never happened and go back to our old lifestyle? Do we talk about OM? How do I know if we are moving too fast? Do I ask her how she is feeling? What do I do when she is sad? I was hoping/expecting her to be happy she moved back home but instead she is sad that she had to leave OM. I feel like I was her second choice.

If you can afford it please call one of the Harley's for a plan to recove your marriage. If you can't afford them then please find a local MC who knows the Harley principles and will help you use them to build a new marriage and overcome your wife's infidelity.

How about a couple week get-a-way....no pressure...no strings....just go and have a great time somewhere! DATE YOUR WIFE!!! Cut the realationship talk down to nothing, unless she brings it up.

Foot rubs are a nice non-sexual sign of affection...and most women find it hard to refuse them!!! And do them from time to time.....for the rest of your life! Build the love bank, LISTEN to your wife intently, and learn to do it forever. Show her the new found confidence in you, and let the any resentment go.

And BTW, congrats! And welcome to the next stage in this marathon challange in life!
MWIL

You're going to have to 'nurse' her through her withdrawl of OM.

Don't have any expectations of affection or love from her for now. I know you need/crave it, but it won't start to happen until after she starts to come out of her withdrawl for the loss of her relationship with OM.

So, for the next few weeks, I'd plan on taking care of her. Be there for her. Listen to what she says, without judgement. Let her know that you CARE for her. Don't expect anything in return...right now, she can't give it to you.

DO set and enforce your boundaries during this time tho. NC with OM...FOR LIFE!!!! Openness and honesty, how to rebuild trust (and explain to her that this is a PROCESS...it's not done overnight), etc...

Setup your MC sessions NOW...they don't have to start this week, but you need to have her begin to attend them with you ASAP!

Make sure she understands your boundaries. Don't harp on them...unless they're broken. But make your expectations clear.

And like MWIL said...spend some quality time, with NO relationship or marriage talk. Again, don't expect her enthusiastic response right now...that's going to take time.

I'd also suggest both of you go talk with your DR about AD's as well.

The former cheating spouse has the biggest responsibility in the healing process. They hold the key for the healing of you and your marriage.

Your spouse must be willing to make it their mission in life to heal you...no matter how long it takes.

In order for your marriage to successfully survive these are some things that your spouse must do:

1. She must be totally honest with you about everything
2. She must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. She must do everything in her power to prove to you that you are the one that she wants to be with.
4. She must prove her love to you...she must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. She must feel your pain.
6. She must fully understand the devastation that she caused you.
7. She must accept full responsibility for her actions.
8. She must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. She must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.
10. She must reassure you that you will not drive her away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.
11. She must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you.
12. She must be able to tell you how sorry she is and show you.
13. She must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible.
14. She must put her own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first.
15. She must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected.
16. She must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.
17. She must be willing to seek counseling.
18. She must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex... she must establish boundaries and not cross them.

Here is a list of things that YOU must do:

1. Give her the necessary time to prove her love and commitment to you.
2. Be open with your feelings.
3. Ask the questions that are important to you.
4. Don't be afraid that you will drive her away while you are trying to heal.
5. Stop blaming yourself for her actions. You are in no way responsible...even if you are Attila the Hun!
6. You must be able to let her connect with you. (this one takes time)
7. You must continue checking up on her in order to let her rebuild trust.
8. You must be willing to seek counseling so that you do not get stuck in one of the stages of recovery such as anger or depression.

These are just a few of the things that I have thought of off the top of my head. With these things in place, then reconciliation can be successful. It is still a long journey, but with baby steps it can be achieved.

Stay Strong!

WTF..

I agree...BUT...she's NOT going to be able to help him with his healing until she's gone through her withdrawl. She's going to be stuck in that "me, me, ME!!!" phase through that.

After she goes through withdrawl, she'll slowly going to start looking around and realizing what she's done to him. And then she'll start doing her part. THEN she can take ownership and start working on the marriage. But right now, she's not able to focus on anything but her own feelings and pain.

I saw this clearly in my wife. It's mentioned in the withdrawl information here too I think.

Not disagreeing with you...simply wanted to set some expectations for when it would start.

I completly agree!

be prepared with withdrawal and don't take it personally - you'll be able to meet those emotional needs after it wears off. for me the feelings of second best did fade after time as my wife did her best to deposit love units. and i felt that. you are doing great - keep it up.

Well....WW has left, again, 3rd time, she said she was not strong enough to deal with things. She stated she loves OM too much to leave him. I feel I was there for her; but she couldn't make it 3 days! We spent a lot of quality time this weekend but Monday when I went to work she broke NC. When asked why she talked to OM she said she missed him.

She didn't move her stuff out but she spent the night with OM. I don't know what the plans are for the rest of the week.

So, how do I get this work? Plan A, B, or D? I tried to talk to her but I saw it turning into a major LB so I ended the conversation with we can talk later. WW spent the day at his place. She made the commitment to make it work and said she wanted to but it was too much for her.

WW is now talking Divorce as she feels this is the only option left. I told her I am not ready for it as we can make it work but she won't commit to me anymore. All I get is I don't know or I'm confused......

It is time for plan B. This time she gets to realize that she misses you instead of OM. Before I would do it, I would spend the money to talk to Steve Harley to help with your plan B. Get all your legal ducks in a row and then go dark. You can't do this flying by the seat of your pants. I can't stress the importance of sitting down with a pro and discussing your plan.

I would probably push for a legal separation to secure your interests first.