Post deleted by jlashley16

jlashley16...

You are gonna want to kick my heiney...hehehe...But here's the deal...You appear to be looking for the EXCEPTION to Harley's program rather than the RULE...That won't help you...As I told you on the other thread, it's a VERY narrow path, follow it, if success is your ultimate goal...

Anyone that comes here and tells you that it can be done any other way than Harley's will NOT be helping you...Seriously, they won't be...Because EVEN if that ONE person had success (and for how long?), that still wouldn't beat Harley's success rate, would it? Don't look for the exception, rather, follow the rule...Your marriage will be best served that way...

Mrs. W

Or if you want LOTS of replies, ask this question...How important to recovery is NC? THEN your cup will runneth over...

Mrs. W

Okay, I understand. I don't want to kick your heiney! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I am not upset at you in any way, I know that you are only looking out for our best interest, so I will refrain from posting and deal with this minus the help of MB the best way I can because there is no way I can get help for something when we are not able to follow this the way it's supposed to be followed. I cannot force my WH to quit his job and I as I said in other posts, I have no desire to live in the street which is exactly where we would be if he does so. I will delete my posts. Thanks again.

jlashley...Don't delete your posts and don't give up...If you work the program, it WILL work for you...And I KNOW that you've heard "where there's a will there's a way", right?

No, you can't "force" your husband to do anything, but if he wants recovery, I'd think he'd be willing to go the extra mile, wouldn't he? Your marriage and family are that important...Approach it that way...The two of you should be a team in this, k?

Mrs. W

Dr. Harley explains that your career is to serve your marriage and family, NOT the other way around...If the OW works with your husband, then I'd say that his career is NOT serving your marriage and family, right? It only makes sense for a change to occur...

Mrs. W

JLA

When we were a couple of months after d-day Squid would lecture me how selfish I was for being hurt when she continued her job as the most senior referee in her sport in the country ( this was linked directly to her affair).

A year after she voluntarily quit all associations with the sport but for her own local town club. Because it hurt me and her realisation that EXTRAORDINARY measures were required not because I was unreasonable but to deal with teh mess her decisions caused.

Be patient, you are horribly new to this.

Set your personal boundaries and let your H feel his way into respecting them for some short while.

Unless of course you don;t mind contact and so donl't require the sort of recovery Dr H writes about being possible.

Thats OK if you don't.

Give yourself permission as an adult to do what you think is right.

But MB worked for The wonderings, for me, and for thousands of other couples counselled by Dr. Harley. In part because we valued our marriage above our convenience.

all blessings

It makes complete sense AND I completely agree. But we are not at the point where we are willing to risk living on the street and we are in agreement with each other that if he does quit his job without having something else lined up, that is exactly what would happen. It seems like everyone is ignoring this fact. Which is why I don't understand why there isn't anyone who hasn't been where we are in respect to the breadwinner not being able to find work or willing to quit cold turkey without having a job lined up.

Please don't take this as a mean attitude of a response, it's not, it's a plea or I suppose what MBer's will call excuses. We are a one income family and he makes $55k/year which is unheard of anywhere around us for what he does so we know he must commute for now. We never thought he would even come close to this as far as income goes and even though we don't live large or have extravagant debt, we still have a mortgage and vehicle payment and are willing to adjust our bills as much as we can, but we already live pretty frugal.Downsizing would be fine, if we thought we could sell the house although our house isn't that big to begin with 1100 sq ft. No SUV's or minivan's in our driveway. My mom buys most of my kids clothing and diapers for the younger one. I budget for groceries and coupon and do the best I can there. We keep the shades closed during the day to help with the electric bill and I don't go many places to conserve gas.

We are in WV, we are in the panhandle close to DC so we are included in that "metropolitan area" and without a degree and with the construction business being what it is now, he cannot just take whatever job comes his way (and, none have come his way to even negotiate on). We have factored in the costs of what he spends on gas, time up and down the road, etc. and we are in the process of coming up with a figure that he could negotiate to but he HAS applied AND faxed resumes AND made phone calls. So, right now, he has done what he needs to do to find another job except for just walking away from the one he has.

And obviously in the MB book I don't value my marriage enough to be "inconvenienced". If it were just the two of us, I would consider living in my car, but it's not. So excuses or no excuses, I will again refrain from posting unless it's to answer a question instead of asking one and not to reply to what i do and don't value in MBers eyes because if not doing what is suggested, recovery cannot start and I will just be upset with the responses otherwise.

Oh and just a side note, was your WW the breadwinner? Could you survive on your income alone? Or are you a stay at home dad? Did you have to move? Sell your house? Being inconvenienced is having chicken instead of steak, I think living on the street is more than just an inconvenience.

jlashley...

No one wants you to stop posting...No one wants you to be homeless...What we want for you is marital success...And what we don't want is for your husband to stop the job search...I think it's great that he has his feelers out there, I just want that to continue...It's a BIG DEAL...Because here is my GREATEST fear for you jlashley, that you will BECOME divorced AND homeless if you decide NOT to follow Harley's plan...Do you understand and recognize my concern? That is all that it is...I'm certainly not trying to be condescending, I KNOW that is also not BobPure's intent...Careful not to read stuff into our posts that isn't there...We know that you are hurting and very much want to see you succeed...That's the only reason we remain here, btw, to give back if only a small portion of what we were given here...(((jlashley16)))

Mrs. W

Is there any way to make it so the OW has to move to another location?

Is there a way for him to absolutely avoid seeing her at work...transferring to another position?

jlashley,

I know I told you on B's thread that I would back out of your posts, but we are ALL trying to help you in the long run.

BP & Mrs W - OWH has not be told about this EA. I suggested that OWH should be told. MAYBE OWH will "make" her find a new job and then NC will be achieved without your H needing to find a new job.

How about you working part time and then your H can take a "lesser" job???

There is no fast and easy answer and NO I don't want you and the rest of the family on the streets.

WE know your pain and all the crap that goes with it.

Hey there,
relax, honey.

I have read all your posts and I know that you know this the best way. I honestly don't see you hedging that.

I guess I read it different as in asking for help on how the FWS did manage to move and not wind up on the street. Of course their circumstance is going to be different.

Now, that being said, let's see what other options there are- not going against mb and hopefully only as a temporary situation.

Now, did you expose the OWH? If you do, maybe she will leave on her own. That would be one option.

From reading the posts, I am thinking that they don't have much contact. Is there a way that he can talk to his supervisor and maybe have it fixed so there is no contact? That would mean he would probably have to miss all company funtions, but it would keep them out of contact.

This really might buy you some time while he continues to look for another job.

It might be the best plan for him to go in and explain the situation to his bosses. If he is a valuable employee, hopefully they will do something to insure no contact.

Believe me, I would be frantic at the thought of losing everything. I can only imagine how scary that thought is.

hang in there, honey

Mrs. W.

I just feel attacked by his post. BP's wife gave up some of her responsibilities for him. That's great. I'm truly happy that it worked for them. Did they have to move? Did he quit HIS job? That's the part that I am having a hard time explaining. I know BP wasn't the WS so it wasn't his responsibility to quit his job, but if my WH had no desire to job search at all I would be red flagged immediately. I am not in anyway fooled into thinking we are in recovery. I have asked him all the easy questions, now we are into the deeper-requiring-more-thought questions about this EA and we have good days and bad.

I just feel like people who mean well, say that they do and say things that sound that way and then throw in a smart [censored] comment about "convenience" or "do what you want but don't expect any good from it" (got that from another poster who's wife was the WS) and his world wasn't turned upside down in addition to the affair by moving or quitting HIS job.

I understand that the principles must be the same for everyone in order for them to work. That's why my WH wanted me to ask that. It didn't come from me. He is truly seeking advice because he feels in a tough spot. I feel we must be trying since my WS is obviously willing to even seek advice here knowing he will be in the minority whereas there are very few other who are even posting or asking for advice themselves.

I have not felt attacked by your posts at all whatsoever nor Lake's and you both have the right to because we are truly not following the principles, but you chose not to and for that I thank you immensely. Posters like you are the only reason I am still here at this point.

They don't actually work directly together any more. That was why she cried when he was "transferred". They still both work for the same company. (The office she is in is 20 minutes from him) She is Customer Service in the office and he is now training to be Superintendent in the field. The only time they worked "together" (i quoted that because they weren't physically together) was when he was in Customer Service in the field and they were in the same subdivision. They have absolutely no reason to work together now because of where he is and where she is, HOWEVER, the company functions that are given are pretty much required by all. Most of them include spouses ,which we had been to one right after I discovered the emails, but the one last week that he was required to attend, he refused to go, lied about a function with his kids so he did not have to see OW. It did not include spouses and he made the smart decision not to go for us. Found out later, she was toasted and it would have been very ugly for us had he gone.

Well, ahem, YES...by all means this should happen-could really change things for you guys on the job front, not to mention how much better it is to have two people monitoring for NC rather than just one...Also, OWH has every right to know, of course, and NEEDS this information to protect himself...When are you going to tell OWH jlashley?

Mrs. W

M2L,

If I get a job, two kids will have to be in daycare/babysitter or I will have to work nights and give up all time with my WH. We can't even get more than 5 hours a week as it is, much less 15 so if I do get a job, I will be working to pay daycare or lose what little time I have with WH altogether. I am not sure that would be a wise move, but I appreciate the thought. We had talked about that. I have no degree or special skills and am attempting to maybe do something out of the home. I am currently checking into that as we speak.

Move,

He did tell his immediate supervisor last week and Supervisor was glad he did and was understanding. He has told him that if the other office person is not in and something has to be done immediately then he will ask if he (supervisor) can do it or if it can wait until another time when someone else is in the office (there are only 2 of them there).

At the time I discovered these emails, WH had already been transferred to the training job. All these communications occurred when WH was directly in email/phone contact with OW last year. There has been nothing from OW since the NC email was sent on Wednesday. We all agree he didn't score high on that one since it included a congrats on the award before telling her to back off.

We have also since discovered that he has a "nice guy" instead of "good guy" personality and we are working on that too so that he can discover how to properly be the good guy and drill it into his head that I am first, not work. We didn't know being nice instead of good was more harmful than not. He knows that now, it's just implementing it that will be hard. He is very willing to do this and I am proud that he is.

We have learned so much about ourselves and our marriage and how everything was so mixed up. He was able to meet with the male half of our couples counselors yesterday to find out that he had been in the exact situation (for the most part) three years ago. I am thankful for this couple.

Glad he talked to his supervisor. I knew they had a meeting just wasn't sure what all was discussed. That helps that he had that talk.

Now, how about telling the OWH?

Hey if you want to send me an email I have a friend that does something from home and I can give you the info. mbmoveforward@yahoo.com