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Ex-FIL died yesterday. Going downhill, but went very quickly. They are cut off people, so I am not typically welcome in their world.
X will have the children for the funeral. They don't know yet, and it is not my place to tell them.
MIL is a wonderful grandmother to my children. FIL was a good grandfather, but with many other offsetting issues.
Do I go to the funeral to pay respects?
What if I believe it will upset my X for me to go?
It was a marriage that never really started.
H: Conflict Avoider, NPD No communication skills (Confirmed by MC) Me: Enabler
Sep'd 12/01, D'd 08/03.
My joys and the light of my life: DD 11, DD 9
*Approach life and situations from the point of love - not from fear.*
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What does "cut off people" mean? Do you mean you have no contact with them?
I would tell X you would like to go, but will respect his wishes if he prefers you not to be there.
If he doesn't want you there -- send flowers, and a nice card to MIL.
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Cut off people: Hmmm. People who do not resolve conflicts but rather avoid contact/ignore family members. Ie. aunts/uncles. As far as I knew, daughter was not talking to or allowing her children to see her father who just died.
Oh, X doesn't return calls typically. Would he return that one?
It was a marriage that never really started.
H: Conflict Avoider, NPD No communication skills (Confirmed by MC) Me: Enabler
Sep'd 12/01, D'd 08/03.
My joys and the light of my life: DD 11, DD 9
*Approach life and situations from the point of love - not from fear.*
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Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
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I'd call your mother-in-law and ask her. Offer your condolences, and say you'd like to pay your respects.
Or just go to the church and sit in the back.
Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
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IMO,if you are not typically welcome in their world,I would say that a nice flower arrangement and card would suffice.That way you aren't there causing concern in some way to ex or the family,especially if you haven't seen them in a long time.
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No church service and no flowers requested.
Hmm. Do I attend graveside service?
I do talk to XMIL. X doesn't talk to me.
It was a marriage that never really started.
H: Conflict Avoider, NPD No communication skills (Confirmed by MC) Me: Enabler
Sep'd 12/01, D'd 08/03.
My joys and the light of my life: DD 11, DD 9
*Approach life and situations from the point of love - not from fear.*
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Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
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If it's just a very private graveside service, I suggest a note of condolence.You knew the man moderately well, and people always like to read about how their loved one will be missed.
Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
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I attended my XMIL's funeral last year.
Helped X by shopping for kids appropriate clothing, got them where they were supposed to be.
My parents and I sent flowers and attended the service.
I think it really depends on the size of the event. Plus my X and I are on speaking terms.
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I offered appropriate church clothing and shoes. Whether he picks them up is in question.
I'm really worried about how the kids will take it. And if I don't go, I won't see them until Saturday or Sunday.
It was a marriage that never really started.
H: Conflict Avoider, NPD No communication skills (Confirmed by MC) Me: Enabler
Sep'd 12/01, D'd 08/03.
My joys and the light of my life: DD 11, DD 9
*Approach life and situations from the point of love - not from fear.*
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Posts: 15,150
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Who cares about what your x wants or needs? What do your children want or need?
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do talk to XMIL. X doesn't talk to me. Then I guess I would ask the MIL if it would be ok to attend.You wouldn't have to sit by X hopefully unless all were ok with it. If no flowers,a nice card would be appropriate. I've only been to one funeral in my life and it was for the mother of a college friend.I recall the graveside service being rather short as opposed to the inside temple service.
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I'd been to many funerals as a child. X is anti-funerals and wouldn't let our children attend the funeral of a very close relative in the past. Now, who knows.
He did pick up clothes.
I'm waiting to hear back from MIL (as the message went through X-SIL.)
On the online newspaper memorials, the first messages were from X-SIL's X-SIL and XIL's which I thought was very classy (more than 10 years later). (They introduced me to X).
It was a marriage that never really started.
H: Conflict Avoider, NPD No communication skills (Confirmed by MC) Me: Enabler
Sep'd 12/01, D'd 08/03.
My joys and the light of my life: DD 11, DD 9
*Approach life and situations from the point of love - not from fear.*
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