The subject line describes my last few years. Had several needs that went unmet for 5-10 years. Wife and I are both 43 with 3 kids. She has been doing a good job meeting needs last few years as I almost separated two years ago.

But I guess my question is. Even with needs being met for most part, I feel empty towards marriage. Call it growing apart or my love bank got too empty over the years. I have not read too many posts where someone has needs being met but still wants out. I am a very good dad, etc, work around house, do yard, etc. But I am burnt out. I have a hard time saying I love you to wife, I just dont feel it anymore. And it is hard to fake it. And I have a strong need to love someone.

Has anyone experienced this? I briefly separated for month recently and came back. But I am thinking of changing mind. I can not take roller coaster anymore.

Is there a point of no return?

Who is the OP? You sound very foggy.

Why did you go back?

And yes, there are LOTS of stories here about husbands whose wives only meet SOME of their needs. Their mistress meets the others. Which is the path you are on.
We call that cake-eating.

Before you go too far down that destructive path -- study the impact your choices will have on those 3 innocent children. That alone should scare you straight.
A "good dad" doesn't destroy a family over being burnt out.
He FIXES IT. And works hard to fix it.

I don't see much in your post about what YOU'VE done to make things better -- just that you expect your wife to do a better job for you.

Ice,

Are you depressed in all facets of your life? How's work going? How is your health? Getting enough exercise?

You say you are a "great dad". Who told you that? Usually a great dad goes hand in hand with a great family and family life, as in all members of the family like each other and enjoy each others company.

""I can not take roller coaster anymore.""

This doesn't sound like a rollercoaster but more like a flat-line on a heart monitor.

If you are suffering from depression, you should seek medical advice.

If you are looking at a mid life crises, recognize it for what it is and seek help for it from a medical source.

""And I have a strong need to love someone."" DO NOT SEEK HELP FOR IT THIS WAY!!

Unless it is your WIFE you are speaking of.

IMHO

kirk

""""I don't see much in your post about what YOU'VE done to make things better -- just that you expect your wife to do a better job for you.""""

AMEN, LEXXXY!

No, but there is a point of withdrawal. Not fighting, but downright withdrawal from your spouse.

Did you wife have an affair?

IceHouse:

Glad your here.

Life in a RUT?

You made the good first choice to stop here, and hopefully read a little bit to see if you could help your M.

You will be asked: "What have YOU done?"

Why? Cuz your W isn't here. And until she is, we can only talk to you.

What have you DONE to make your M better?

Pick up His Needs, Her Needs. There you will discover the malaise that permenates your M. How your actions and behaviors over the 20 years of your R has created in you a W who is out of touch with you. And what you can do to bring her back. She might not do this. She might stay exactly the same.

But you have changed by that point. Became a better father, employee and Husband. And you can make a choice at that time. Unclouded by your previous lackluster attempts to resolve these issuse in your M.

Many of us have been in the same boat as you. Thought we were doing all the right things, and really working hard on our M's. But we wern't. If only our SPOUSE would try as hard, or change in a way that would make it easier for ME.

Doesn't work that way. We can only change ourselves. Because the person we really want to become is hidden in there somewhere.

And it is way more difficult changing ourselves then demanding that others change to suit us.

LG

LG makes some great points Icehouse.

Actually BE the best father, husband, etc. Stay on the high road. Deal with this marriage and family.

Do not get distracted into an affair. Recognize your vulnerabilities. Don't succumb.

Wrong.......just been sruggling several years with this issue of not having feelings towards wife.

Read Dr. Harleys basic concepts. I am in what he calls withdrawal. I have come to realize it has been many years headed in this direction. If you read the concepts you can see where a person can reach that point.

Here, it is posted below.

What I originally asked or wondered about.....can your love bank get too low for too long where you can not recover even if wife starts making turn around. If his concepts are not correct then please explain. I always found them very common sense based.


Within each of us is a Love Bank that keeps track of the way each person treats us. Everyone we know has an account and the things they do either deposit or withdraw love units from their accounts. It's your emotions' way of encouraging you to be with those who make you happy. When you associate someone with good feelings, deposits are made into that person's account in your Love Bank. And when the Love Bank reaches a certain level of deposits (the romantic love threshold), the feeling of love is triggered. As long as your Love Bank balance remains above that threshold, you will experience the feeling of love. But when it falls below that threshold, you will lose that feeling. You will like anyone with a balance above zero, but you will only be in love with someone whose balance is above the love threshold.
However, your emotions do not simply encourage you to be with those who make you happy -- they also discourage you from being with those who make you unhappy. Whenever you associate someone with bad feelings, withdrawals are made in your Love Bank. And if you withdraw more than you deposit, your Love Bank balance can fall below zero. When that happens the Love Bank turns into the Hate Bank. You will dislike those with moderate negative balances, but if the balance falls below the hate threshold, you will hate the person.
Try living with a spouse you hate! Your emotions are doing everything they can to get you out of there -- and divorce is one of the most logical ways to escape.
When fighting doesn't work, and we are still unhappy, the Taker encourages us to take a new course of action that triggers the State of Withdrawal. Instead of trying to force our spouse to make us happy, our Taker wants us to give up on our spouse entirely. We don't want our spouse to do anything for us, and we certainly don't want to do anything for our spouse. In this state of mind we are emotionally divorced.

I went back because of the kids. I had a weak moment and went back.

Everyone seems to want to jump to mistresses. Nope again. Yes, I read many a post and that is the typical action.

And again back to Harleys concepts......you dont have to tell me if I am being a good dad or not.....the fact is I am in deep withdrawal and that is what I have stuggled years with in regards to kids. But they can also see the fact that I am not happy. That is not a good role model either.

I am certainly not going to try and defend why I think I am a great Dad to you.

Depressed...well....I am usually not, but this issue has bothered me.

You all read Dr. Harleys concepts and understand how a person can withdraw and not feel in love with spouse. So, why can the reason not simply be that. Everyone wants someone to love and to be loved. To think of going through the rest of my life with someone I do not feel in love with is depressing in itself.

So what are you looking for?

No, you did not see that because that was not my question. But lets see, I did buy relationship books, I initiated counseling, I talked with her many times basically pleading that she make some changes in certain areas. On hindsight, she realizes it now and has apologized and wishes I could forgive her.

I am not perfect, I just happened to meet her needs fairly well and over the past many years, what I asked went in one ear and out the other. It was a gradual process of withdrawal for me.

Now what have I done lately, not much. Not as far as kids go, but I feel like I am so far in withdrawal, that when she wants to be cuddly or whatever, I have about zero feeling to do so.

My feeling are what they are. I am not a bad person. I read many of these posts. Many are from regular posters who have been on the board alot. And they still post of many problems in their marriage.

I have grown very sarcastic towards marriage. Sometimes I think we have all been duped. It is expected. If I had not wanted kids and could do over, I would never get married.

They were not lack luster attempts. I bought her his needs her needs many years back as well as other books. I talked slowly and rationally to the best of my ability. Gave examples from the book, etc. I warned her that I was beginning to question if we would grow old together. And that was about 6 years ago.

If you discuss this subject with many of the posters, you can talk to your blue in the face. Many spouses will not change no matter what you try. Usually only when it is too late.

And I agree, you can only change yourself. So you can either live with your spouse the way she is or leave.

I was hoping for a rational discussion of my question. Not the typical assumptions of an affair or whatever.

From reading this sites basic concepts in regards to withdrawal and love bank and the results of a negative balance etc. I wondered if there is a point of no return. I feel like I am there.

What do you and your W do for recreation?

When I say "recreation", I'm referring to an activity that allows you both to "set aside the world" for a few hours and do something that doesn't involve you competing with each other, unless it's just for the fun of it.

You haven't said much about your situation, but I'm betting that's what you're missing. Those times are important, to "recharge the batteries", so to speak.

Icehouse, just hypothetically... if you could walk out the door and never look back, just what is it that you would trade your wife and family for?

I'm not being snyde or sarcastic - just asking the question.

If you walked away from it all, what would you be looking for?

JinGA

I can relate to what you are saying Icehouse.

There is an article called "The Walk Away Wife" by another marriage counselor. I'll see if I can find it and post it.

Because it covers what you are describing. Years of neglect of your needs to the point of not caring anymore.

And that is what I experienced, which led me to my affair.
And that is a destructive path I would advise ANYONE to avoid at all costs.

Your statement in your first post about a strong need to love someone sent chills up my back....

The Walk-away Wife SyndromeBy Michele Weiner-Davis

Did you know that of the over one million marriages that will end in divorce this year, two thirds to three quarters of those divorces will be filed for by women? What is this so-called, "Walk-away Wife" syndrome all about?

In the early years of marriage, women are the relationship caretakers. They carefully monitor their relationships to make sure there is enough closeness and connection. If not, women will do what they can to try to fix things. If their husbands aren't responsive, women become extremely unhappy and start complaining about everything under the sun... things that need to get done around the house, responsibilities pertaining to the children, how free time is spent and so on. Unfortunately, when women complain, men generally retreat and the marriage deteriorates even more.

After years of trying unsuccessfully to improve things, a woman eventually surrenders and convinces herself that change isn't possible. She ends up believing there's absolutely nothing she can do because everything she's tried hasn't worked. That's when she begins to carefully map out the logistics of what she considers to be the inevitable, getting a divorce.

While she's planning her escape, she no longer tries to improve her relationship or modify her partner's behavior in any way. She resigns herself to living in silent desperation until "D Day." Unfortunately, her husband views his wife's silence as an indication that "everything is fine." After all, the "nagging" has ceased. That's why, when she finally breaks the news of the impending divorce, her shell-shocked partner replies, "I had no idea you were unhappy."

Then, even when her husband undergoes real and lasting changes, it's often too late. The same impenetrable wall that for years shielded her from pain, now prevents her from truly recognizing his genuine willingness to change. The relationship is in the danger zone.

If you are a woman who fits this description, please don't give up. I have seen so many men make amazing changes once they truly understand how unhappy their wives have been. Sometimes men are slow to catch on, but when they do, their determination to turn things around can be astounding. I have seen many couples strengthen their marriages successfully even though it seemed an impossible feat. Give your husband another chance. Let him prove to you that things can be different. Keep your family together. Divorce is not a simple answer. It causes unimaginable pain and suffering. It takes an enormous amount of energy to face each day. Why not take this energy and learn some new skills and make your marriage what you've wanted it to be for so long?

If you're a man reading this and your wife has been complaining or nagging, thank her. It means she still cares about you and your marriage. She's working hard to make your love stronger. Spend time with her. Talk to her. Compliment her. Pay attention. Take her seriously. Show her that she's the most important thing in the world to you.

Perhaps your wife is no longer open to your advances because she's a soon-to-be walkaway wife. If so, read the posts on the divorcebusting.com messageboard. Don't crowd her. Don't push. Be patient. If you demonstrate you can change and she still has eyes... and a heart, you might just convince her to give your marriage another try.

IceHouse,

Yes, I think "romantic love" can be rekindled in your marriage.

1. What are the needs you have that you feel your wife is not meeting?

I know what it feels like to have an overdrawn Love Bank. I think it's good that you are here trying to do the right thing for your marriage.

I can't imagine your kids being happier than they are now if you were to be separated from their mother.

What you said about loving and being loved is so true - for everyone.

2. By chance, is there anything you do that repulses your wife?

Just wondering why things go in one ear and out the other.