I am so thankfull I found this website and all of the great information and advice. I have posted a few times but never posted my situation. Please forgive me as I am a newbie and haven't gotten the acronyms down yet. I do need some help, advice, and an ear to to bend with my situation.

My DH and I have been together for 8 years an married for 2 years. We have a total of four kids, three mine and one his. All of the kids live with us and we have custody with minimal drama from the ex-spouses. During the whole time my DH and I have been together he has been a truckdriver. He has driven local, regional, OTR with the length of time varying from being home every night to not coming home for a month at a time. I realize this is not an ideal situation but it is our situation currently. He has had two jobs where he did not drive truck but unfortuantely we could not afford to make our mortgage or food with him making minimum wage here in sunny CA. I work full-time and make a great salary which is a plus.

So on to our situation. I am not sure if I should give facts in the order of it happening so thats how I will tell it. The first questionable instance was two years ago during our last few months of wedding planning I went to the doctor with a raging "yeast" infection, well it turns out it was not yeast at all. I was diagnosed with herpes, I have been faithful and knew it was not due to my wandering but I also knew that herpes can be dormant for years. We talked about it and I felt comfortable with his answers at the time so I went on with the planning. At this time the only other "sign" was that he had a "lack" of desire for love making. I allowed for this lack because when he did come home from being on the road I could see he was mentally and physically exhausted. I may have been raring to go and wanting intimacy daily but he certainly wasn't on the same page, I excepted this for the most part.
Approximately I came home to a new cellphone bill in my DH's name but from a different company than we have been using for the whole time we have been together. Of course I call him and he was shoocked I got the bill and he went on to explained that he got this phone to keep in touch with his friends that use this same service provider. he felt I was too controlling and I would get angry when the cellphone was outrageous (IMO) and this would save us money in the end. But the problem I had with it was he was in essence "lying" to me because I felt omission was the same as lying. He agreed to dump the service, pay the bill, and he appologized (sort of). I did keep a copy of the bill and called the service provider to verify the phone was turned off. After that I really thought nothing more about this phone or the bill. So fast forward to May 27 when my DH was home for my DD17 high school graduation. DH was in the shower and his cellphone rang so I went to pick it up and bring it to him and missed the call, the phone went back and I saw that he had a "strange" woman's name in his address book. A name I had not ever heard him utter. I asked him who this was and why would he need to call her? He was telling me it was his friend and a fellow truckdriver/trainer for the company he works for and don't worry its just a friend. Well hmmmm..... it is a woman. All ****** broke loose I am sorry to say. I got mad, he got mad, he was yelling at me telling me I am too controlling, that he is an adult, she is only a friend, and all that goes with that type of conversation. I was just beside myself. Asking the typical questions like who is this, why do you need to spend so much time on the phone with her, etc. At that time I asked him to stop calling her and he agreed to stop. Well, on June 6 I went online to pay our cellphone bill and found that the bill was $80.00 more than it should have been. of course I went into each phone to see who was using the 2100 minutes that are shared between our three phones (mine, his, my DD17). Lo and behold he had used a tremendous amount of minutes and 910 of those minutes were to her phone number. I called him to verify who that number belonged to and it was this woman. I am hurt and angry that my DH is doing this, affair, or not, physical, emotional, whatever I still consider it cheating/betrayal. When I called him on this excessive calling he kept getting madder and madder with the end result of hanging up on each other, him threatening me with divorce, every ugly thing in the book. Amazingly enough on thursday I got the next months bill (I was looking for it too) this bill was 1391 minutes worth of call to this same woman!! I flipped my lid. I asked him again. Why did you continue to call this woman even after you promised to stop? He did not have a good answer for me, just anger. So I found this site. I began reading and decided I would confront her also. So I called her. She was pissy and not nice at all. I asked her to stop speaking to my DH and that he had a wife and four kids at home and she needed to "KNOCK IT OFF." Of course she claimed innocence and she would never do that and ......blah blah blah. I called him and told him I called her and he was pretty pissed. Too bad sucker. So I conituned to investigate her. I found a lot of information. Her first and last name, her age, her birthdate, her address, her husband's name, her previous address, her maiden name, etc. So I told my DH that I had this information and did she tell HIM she was married? Nope of course not. So now we are in the talking stage. He has agreed to go to the marriage builders seminar in SF Aug 3-4, he has agreed to stop ALL contact, he knows I am watching phone bills, watching truck movements (not because I told him, but because he is realizing I can), and we are attempting to heal. But I am also preparing myself I am protecting my assets, I am in essence covering my behind. What next?

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Glad you have found us. I'm also happy that you are going to the MB conference.

The next step would be to call her husband, and inform him of what is going on. That will probably cool THAT relationship. Your husband will be angry, but he will get over it.

I also suggest that he get a different job. Someone who has a difficult time with temptation should not be gone from home as much as your husband.

Wow! You have all the acronymns down pat, going to MB weekend, got vital info on the OW. You have done your homework.

I agree with believer. Take this one step further and expose the affair to the OW's husband. This is done for the protection of YOUR marriage and is usually a crucial step in ending the affair.

I have a suggestion that is somewhat out of the norm. Call him. Often. He obviously has a cell phone. He's on the main roads (truckin') which means he's almost ALWAYS going be in a coverage area. If he is going to be on the phone so much make sure he's talkin' to his Sweetheart. That would be YOU! I realize, you are working full time too but you probably have one or two breaks a day, lunch, to and from work, etc. It really doesn't take much to even send a text message during the work day. "ILU ((kiss))" Don't call him to tell him you are checking up on him, call him to tell him you Love him. Make sure YOU are on his mind, not OW.

It's not my place, but I'll say (post) it anyway. Your name struck me as somewhat odd. Odd in the fact that you listed SM before BM. I am male (and a parent) and I guess I am assuming that a mother would proudly, if not instinctively, claim BM before SM. Stupid huh? Just something that caught my eye.

Welcome to MB.

I have been calling him and texting him frequently sending my love. I want him to feel loved and supported. You are right about my name too, it is strange but I wanted a name I would remember. I belong to two other forums and I use this name on a step parent forum so I repeated it here. I am very proud of all our children. Thanks for noticing.

Ok, I have been calling the number for the OWH but there is no answer as of yet, but I will keep trying.

What I don't understand is how my WH can think I should "get over this" in a week? Is he nuts? I did order "Survive an Affair", and "His Needs/Her Needs".....just waiting for them to arrive.

Sadly, (or maybe luckily), your husband is going by the textbook. Since they are under the influence, they think the BS should just get over it. My ex actually was planning for me to move out of my home, and having the OW move in the same weekend. I found out and nixed that idea.

Keep trying to call the other woman's husband. That is your best bet.

Is the woman also in CA?

What type of work do you do, and can you only do it here?

What other types of work can your H do besides driving?

Have you given any thought to living somewhere cheaper than CA?

You have a really good start to this, and seem to have a really good grasp of what needs to be done. Very effecient! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My DH also seems to understand why I have a problem with him being emotionally involved with another woman, but just doesn't seem to understand the severity of it. I am crush and questioning and he seems to feel that because they were only talking that this is okay. I am confused. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Is the woman also in CA?
[color:"blue"] No the other woman is also a truckdriver and her home is located in Missouri. [/color]

What type of work do you do, and can you only do it here?
[color:"blue"] I am a full charge bookkeeper/office manager [/color]

What other types of work can your H do besides driving?
[color:"blue"] Unfortunately his skills are limited. He has worked close to home previously but has not been able to obtain local emplyment for more than minimum wage. [/color]

Have you given any thought to living somewhere cheaper than CA?
[color:"blue"] I have been giving it a LOT of thought. Moving would be a perfect solution for us, I could then be located to a cheaper area, and we could locate in an area closer to his company terminal. My 3 bio children still have EOWE visitation with their father and I am pretty darn sure he would not allow an out of state move. [/color]


Thank you for the compliment. I am really trying to educate myself for the future of our marriage. I would rather go down in flames trying than to walk away always wondering if I tried hard enough.

You will only be confused if you try to make sense out of what he is saying.

You should be crushed. You should be questioning. You should be extremely NOT OKAY with him talking to another woman like this.

His responses are wrong. Predictable, but wrong. Yours are right on target.

Far-away OW's are much preferred to local ones, in much the same way leprosy might be preferable to cholera.

Even with the possible difficulties with the kids and their visitation, it couldn't hurt to at least explore the possibility of less expensive states.

There are also local driving jobs that could pay quite well, like UPS. I don't know which part of CA you're in, but there are also decent jobs like Panella (which has gone to year-round in some of its areas of operations), and other local and CA-only companies.

It's all just something to start thinking about - he may not be super cooperative at first.

I am definately looking towards the future for his driving a local job and being home every night. I personally am not very comfortable with the idea of taking the kids from their father out of state. But to be honest the marriage comes first and I prefer a local job for him.

Even if, as far as you can tell, the A is over, you should still be in Plan A for now.

You have plenty of time to work on the living arrangement options, decide what you can and can't live with, and decide which areas are boundaries, vs. which would be really nice.

To me, it looks like making a go of it in CA and having him work locally would be your best bet all-round. I would highly recommend checking out daveramsey.com about the financial aspect. If you follow his steps for getting out of debt, you will find yourself able to afford more on the same amount of money.

But for now, do your best to keep pleasant thoughts of you at the forefront of his mind, continue quietly snooping, and we'll see where this thing goes from here.

Hi SM... My WH or FWH (not sure which) drives OTR too. You mentioned that you are able to track truck movements - how do you do this ?? Oh my gosh, I would so like to know !

His company truck has a gps for the company use, but I have no access to it... I think if I put my own gps on it, it may interfere with each other, not one bit sure though.

I would get him a cell phone that tracks if I could get away with it.. My WH/FWH is a sneaky, tricky one... and him being gone for weeks on end, just serves his purpose.

Thanks so much for any answers you can give me... I totally know how you feel - totally....

Best wishes, carnation