I'm not sure where to begin. My wife has been seeing someone else and I don't know where to turn. This is not the first affair since we got married in 1994. In the last 13 years she has cheated on me 3 times now. Every time I take her back. I told her this time I wouldn't take her back unless she only had room in her heart for me. I really still love her and can't imagine my life without her. We have 4 kids together and all of them our mine at least. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing taking her back. I really want to hunt the sob who was having the affair with her and break every bone in his body. But that won't solve anything. This time she says she is willing to take counselling and try to fix her issues. I know I need to meet her needs better, but I am so angry and hurt. I had the chance to get back at her the other night when I was out was friends but I couldn't do it. I know the pain and hurt it causes. Am I being foolish taking her back?????

Short answer...YES.

Unless and until she gets counseling and you do some serious reading about relationships and marriage. I would strongly recomment you read the articles here by Dr. Harley, and then get his book Surviving an Affair. Read them, then there are some other books.

You need to understand the dynamics of your marriage, you need to get a plan, and your W needs counseling by a PRO-marriage counselor as do you.

You have come to the right place but there are no overnight fixes. Your anger and pain are understandable. Please post more details about timing, discovery of the affairs, ages of the kids, that sort of thing. It will help those responding to you.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks for your concern. I have 3 boys under the age of 12 and a 2 year old girl. The latest affair I discovered by accident when I picked up her cell and saw some text messages that only a lover would sent to a woman. I confronted her and she admitted to talking to this guy. I had become aware of this individual talking to her on msn as she and a girlfriend were starting a online business and he was the web designer. I didn't like it and asked her not to talk to him as with our history of previous affairs I didn't feel comfortable. She said she understood, but she did what she wanted. I never had any idea. I thought instead of me being an [censored] about it and demanding that she not talk to this gut, I explained to her how it made me feel and asked her not to. After I found out I went away for a week on a work assignment as I didn't think I would be back any way. When I was gone we talked about what was going on. She admitted evrything I think, it can't be any worse than what she did I hope. We started counselling yesterday. I pray it works.

Oilfan, Sorry you find yourself here. I understand you love your wife, but something has to give. This is the third time she has done this to you. If you can I would try and get an appointment with Dr. Harley. Also post over in general questions there is alot of traffic over there.
Take Care

Currently recovering in Cali

I really do love her. I want to extend to her grace and forgiveness. To show her unconditional love is what I want to do. I am strugglling with anger and hurt right now. I would love to hurt the other guy, but I know all that would do is get me in trouble with law enforcement. I hate him, if he were to be hit by a bus I wouldn't care. I sent him an email to tell him to stay away and the thing about that is if your going to mess around with someones wife. At least have the stones to stand up and be accounted for when your called on it. The lack of response only is fuelling my anger towards him. I don't know why I feel like he owes me an answer. She told him I was aware of the situation and that I was pissed. What else was I to be, happy send them flowers! I wanted to kill him. The funny thing is with her I felt sorry for her, I felt compassion. I really hope couselling with a pro-marriage cousellor helps. We are thinking of maybe going to one of the marriage weekends together. Please keep us in your prayers. Thanks

Oilfan,

You need to push for some major changes in this relationship if you are going to take her back. There is a reason that she's been able to do this to you 3 times. After the first time, I would have checks in place to ensure something like this didn't happen again. This includes complete openness and honesty. You have access to her cell phone, all her email password, everything. She is also not allowed to spend hang out with members of the opposite sex without you around. I would also insist on MC and IC. If she doesn't agree to these things, then kick her to the curb because if nothing changes, it will happen again. You should know that by now.

We have had discussions about the honesty and openness. She has given me her passwords and access to the phone records, etc. She was a little uncomfortable with the idea of not having privacy, but she understands its for the best for our marriage and family. Whats MC and IC?

marital counseling and individual counseling.

She needs to understand why she did it and how to keep it from happening in the future.

Thanks, we started couseling on Tuesday. We are both taking marriage and individual. It was hard for me to accept that anything I had done contributed to this situation. It does not excuse her behavior, but I was using a lot of love busters and not meeting her emotional needs. We got married young and have had alot of bad things happen over our married lives. I thought our faith and just dealing with stuff on our own was enough. I didn't want to admit to anyone that I had a bad marriage. I felt over the years when she asked to go to couselling that we didn't need it. My pride has brought me to the place where now I have only the ruined burnt out remains of a marriage. A bad marriage would be a step up from what we have know. We have the chance to hit reset and start a new, we can create something stronger and better.
However, I am struggling with the concept that there is a withdrawl period for her. Its hard to accept that at times she is missing him or secretly longing to talk to him/see him. I've let her know that one email, phone call, text message, etc.. and I am down the road. How long do I give my wife to deal with this. I thought her telling me she wanted to save our marriage it meant she had no feelings for him. I just want her in or out, no more sitting on the fence.

I have a question, after looking around the site. Is it a good ida to get her to write the goodbye letter? I know what I read all looks good, but getting her to send another communication with him worries me.

Call OM

both of you on the phone

you introduce yourself

"This is (your name), I am WW's husband. She has something she wants to say to you.... here she is"

then have WW read a script

like:

"OM

My H and I are completely commited to making our marriage work out. I am filled with regret that I began an extramarital relationship with you. I am letting you know it is 100% over. No more contact, ever. I will leave you alone, and you must leave US alone. There is to be nothing after this call."

then you get on the phone and add:

"Any future contact will be considered harassment. Is that clear?"

If OM is married .... call his wife first .... have a near-identical conversation with OM's wife before you and WW call OM.

Thanks for the info. I talked to her this morning about closure. But we are waiting for the blood/urine tests to come back before we send any letter. She may have picked up something and passed it on, he probably hasn't told his wife about any bugs. His spouse knows about the affair because I called her when I found out his number (she answered). Never thought I would have to take these tests as we were vigins when we got together. She feels guilt and sorrow for what she has done and wants to work together to ensure it doesn't happen again. I don't want to let her off to easy but I know I have to forgive her and not let bitterness and resentment set in. I hope it will be different this time. We both seem motivated to work on our marriage. I need to learn to meet her needs better. Not work so much, spend more quality time with her as a couple, not just sit in the same room as her. There may be a glimmer of hope, we don't really have much else in common it seems. Her actions at times seemed to have killed my soul. I feel dead inside. I know we love each other, but the dreams we had for our future seem clouded over. Its hard to look to the future when making it to next week seems so hard. I'll keep you guys up to date.

There are books that can guide both of you through recovery

Harley's and others

GET at least 1 of them

and for 30 minutes every day, you read the book aloud to each other & then spend 30 minutes discussing what you read.... then drop the subject until the following day

it takes 2 years of dedicated work by both spouses to heal

oilfan,

Your anger is terribly misplaced and permitted to continue , it will sap your psychological stamina from what needs to be done to save your M. I have said it before but your OM has NOTHING to do with your WW's serial adultery

IMO you need to do something OPPOSITE of what you have done before. History does not lie.

She needs to be booted from the marital home and ( for the first time)forced to deal with the repercussions of her actions. She has proven several times that she does NOT respect you.So going to counseling again and patching up an M, that she does not want, will produce yet another OM in your future.

Best of luck. You are a much better man than I.

You know its not a matter of being a better man than you are. I eally can't explain why I haven't left or thrown her out. She is a fantastic mom, I wouldn't be able to care for the kids like she does. I am not willing to just see my kids every other weekend. I want to put my babies to bed like I have done from the time they were born. The company I run has a lot of demands of my time. Me doing the single dad thing isn't a real choice. I could shut down the company and devote myself to the kids until one day I find someone new. Or I can take the time and energy that I would spend on someone new and apply it to my marriage and try to save it. We both have issues that have led to these affairs. I am guilty of a lot of stuff and so is she. Granted the feeling that you can wash the outside of a boot, but not really the inside haunts me at times. But as a Christian I am commanded by Christ to love my wife, to give her the same unconditional love that he gives me. I know this is may seem simplistic but thats why I am willing to keep on trying. We have started MC together, we are both in IC for our personal demons.
You are correct in stating that in your opinion the history never lies. She has serially strayed in our marriage. However the times in the past I blamed myself for a number things. This time is different, we are doig the MC. Last time I was an ostrich and put my head in the sand and buried my hurts deep down. The old addage boys don't cry applied. I felt tha if I put it out of my mind maybe it didn't really happen. I did the same thing when my daughter died 5 years ago as well. I cant say if its going to work or not. But I know I need to try before I get lawyers involved. However, one email, phone call, text message any form of comunication with the other guy will cause me to walk out the door. The real issue at the heart of our marriage is trust. Can I trust her????? I don't know????
I know I have changed my beneficiary of my lif insurance, she no longer has any access to my banking, company books or any thing to do with my finances. Time will see if the trust ever comes back. The MC accutually gave us DrHarleys emotional needs survey today to fill out. Funny, I stumbled across this site by accident and I'm glad I did. I love my wife, I can forgive her because of my faith. The trust and forgetting what she did is in God's hands.

First things first, if she has contact w/ OM, SHE walks out the door, not you.

Secondly, if you expect different results, you are going to have to do something different this time. I suggest following the MB plan VERY CLOSELY. This includes 15 hours/week of alone time meeting each others ENs. If you can't do this with your current job, you need to decide which is more important to you.

I have decided after talking to our MC and my wife that I am going to role back my work. I started my company to ensure that my family would have a stable future. I can't lose them along the road to achieve my corporate goals. I remember telling others that family comes first when we would talk about how far we would go to achieve our goals. Its time to put my words to action. We are trying to follow the MB 15 hrs a week alone time. Its harder than I thought. Not because I dislike spending time with her, but because of all the other commitments we seem to have. We are talking about dialing back the pace of our lives this summer to achieve this. Also I am not going to work 80 to 100 hours a week anymore. I am going to try to limit myself to no more than 50 hrs. Even after all the hurt she has caused me I still love her. Maybe I am being simplistic and idealistic but time will see how this ends. From the resources I've seen on this site, if we commit to following Dr.Harley's teaching and commit to each other we have a fighters chance of making it.

I'm glad you realize that you need to make changes and you are following through with them. Some BSs come on here asking what they can do to save their marriage, and when you tell them they need to work or travel less, they say, "well, I can't do that," and then they wonder why their WS thinks that he/she is not that important to their BS and things will be different this time.

Well its been a month since I found out about the affair my wife had. I thought it would be easier to deal with but struggle I have between rage and forgiveness is still strong. I have made some changes in my life. I spend more time on tring to meet her emotional needs, I work less, I spend more time with her. Today has been a bad day. All I see are flashbacks from the last month. The hurt is stll very real, I didn't do a good job of trying to resist it today. I let the hurt and bitterness consume me today. I have finally been able to stay in the same room with her for more than 5 minutes tonight. I know its a process in getting though this. I hope at the end of the next month it hurts a little less.
She has not contacted the OM as far as I know. I have her email passwords, her msn is set to record chats and she doesn`t know I am able to track all her text messages through the phone company. I have to trust her because its not hard to set up new email and other forms of communication. She said hat the relationship with him was ending when I found out and she has not tried to contact him. He never tried to contact her either. On the upside all the blood and urine tests came back ok.