You seem to be rather popular around here and it was suggested to me to ask your advice regarding the contact of the OWH. I would prefer if my WH did this than myself for a variety of reasons and if you have read or get a chance to read but what is your opinion/advice on how this should go?

On my post: To ANY FWS...who has quit their job, relocated...ect... *DELETED* about 6 posts down on the 3rd page is where Mrs. W asked me to get your advice...sorry I can't just put the link here...not sure how to do that.

I welcome your advice...Thanks in advance...J

Bump for da Pepster! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Mr. W...for the bump...I will too bump again... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I agree IF you are there by his side when he does it

WILL he do this?

I should say:

has he said

"I will do this." ?

No and he doesn't want to either. He will be home soon and I will ask him why but I know he doesn't want to.

jashley, there are 2 main reasons to expose to a spouse. The first is because it is right to tell them becuase they needt to know this information. The second is to make amends. I think your H should do this voluntarily or not at all. He is not a child, and pushing him to do this, when his heart is not into it, helps no one.

I can see how pushing him about this will turn into an unneccesary battle at an inopportune time that will likely only result in the OWH not getting the information he needs.

It is because of this, that I think you should just call him yourself and give him the facts so he can protect himself. With 2 ppl watching from both ends, the affair is less likely to resume.

And this does not preclude your H from apologizing to the man in the future, WHEN HE IS READY.

I see no purpose in turning this into a battle ground, though. Also, trying to force him to do it will give him a HEADS UP that you intend to expose, which will motivate him to call the OW and warn her. When that happens, she will pre-empt you and tell her H that you are a "jealous nutjob" who imagines that every woman is out to get her H. This happens all the time.

The best thing to do is to just call him up yourself and tell the man. Wait a day or two and see if your H mentions anything.

p.s. the man has a NEED to know this information and it matters not who tells him. That is the FIRST priority, not WHO tells him. Anyone who knows the truth is obligated to warn him.

Here is my story , as relates to what you are experiencing

When I said to my H

"You need to go to OW's husband and apologize to HIM for your affair with his wife."

My H said he did not want to "make more unhappiness for anyone else."

I said: "If you do not do this confession/apology .... you're out of here."

no joke

I will NOT have a man in my life who is a coward
who I do not respect
who can betray 2 marriages and think he does not have an obligation to make amends for such despicable behavior

guess what?

I was NOT kidding

I do NOT value staying married to a man who has such low standards

in order for my H to become a man of respect in my eyes he had to do the difficult job of facing the husband he wronged

and if you can remain married to a man that is not in high esteem, well, I guess you and I are not cut from the same material

it is JUST NOT IN ME to remain married to a husband I cannot LOOK UP TO

soooooooooo

if your H will not do this thing ... I think it is because he wants to avoid the painful consequences for himself .... Is this man man enough for you?

it would be a "no-go" for me

sorry hunny

Dang, she's good. AND RIGHT!!!

and the upshot is ....

the courage he mustered those 11 years ago to do this really difficult thing ... has made him the man he is today

a TERIFFIC father/husband/friend/son

we do not do these really difficult things and gain ~nothing~

my husband made a huge step in SELF RESPECT when he confessed/apologized to OM's husband

I hope that much is clear to you

Sorry it took so long for me to post again. We just had a nasty storm rip through and I had the computer shut down...

Anyway...I printed off your posts Pepper and I gave them to WH. I will post his reply as soon as I have one. My reply is "damn straight I want a man with a backbone" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> . Most likely I will repost in the AM as we talk after the kids are down and the computer is shut off at that point. You made lots of excellent points and I admire your courage to do what you did/say what you said to your WH.

My WH is as we speak reading "No More Christian Nice Guy". That book fits him like a glove...I also gave him Lake's response to his NC email. Will be interested to see what he thinks of these posts...Stay tuned! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What we did:

called OW's H

asked him to meet with us in a coffeeshop

he agreed

H & I went to the coffeeshop together ... which I happen to think is important ..... to show OW's H that "WE are a MARRIED couple, facing this pain as a TEAM."

also, no one gets beat up in a public coffeeshop <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

my H confessed
my H apologized

and their friendship ended that day ... but my husband walked out of there with less to feel bad about

KWIM?

Yes, I KWYM. I just really feel that he will not do this. Obviously I haven't asked why, but I am not going to force anything. I don't feel that I am strong enough walk away though if he chooses not to.

Please take this in a good way when I ask...Do you really feel you would have been strong enough to walk away if he would have chosen not to talk to the OWH?

I just want to know- since obviously, he chose the right answer <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. What if OWH tells OW what is going on and OW shows up? Is the standard operating procedure still the same as what you did? No one may get beat up in the coffee shop but what if OW goes crazy and causes a scene? I am not emotionally prepared to deal with her without (as in my earlier posts) whoopin her [censored]??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I would not walk away
I would kick his butt out !

YES

I am not going to downsize my standards

I am a quality woman
and I will not be with a shabby-behaving man

nope
not ever again !

Meekness will not reward you with very much in life.

What are you afraid of? A scene? REALLY? She was screwing your husband .... without a care about you.

Which is worse to handle emotionally? A scene? or adultery?

Let me tell you what frightens me....

the thought of living the rest of my life miserably married to a man I know does not have the juevos to step UP and be a MAN....

I am terrified of staying with a man who cares less for my welfare than his own embarrasment

I am in fear of staying with a man I secretly loathe ... and pretending for the next 25 years

I cannot
willnot
live such a thin emotional line

I will not accept that
not me

This A never went physical as far as is known. He was talking to her on the phone and there were e-mails. He started grumping to her about his wife--words to the effect of I'd rather stay at work than have to go home. He was doing this behind jlashley's back and she stumbled onto some of the e-mails and felt uncomfortable. A friend or relative, I forget which at the moment explained to her that it looked like the beginnings of an EA. She pointed this out to H, and he stopped the behaviors and sent a NC letter. They work for the same company. He is doing his best to avoid running into her and has described the situation to his supervisor who is helping him avoid contact. OW seems to have a rep. in the company for attaching herself emotionally to men even though she is married. Word is that her H is frequently wayward on her.

Does this seem accurate as a re-cap Jl?
Lake

I remain a little concerned about exposure to OW's H. This EA was apparently one where jlashley's H was getting some emotional needs met by OW but he did not explicitly tell her that he cared about her (OW). I do not think there were exchange of gifts. They were talking to each other on the phone as he drove home from work and they were sharing some personal info in their work e-mails. He said things to OW about his home life that were highly inappropriate--grumping about his W. He was way out of line and it was an emotional affair. OF course, OW denied anything was wrong with what they were doing in response to his no contact letter. They all do even if they were [email]scr@wing[/email] in the M bed right??

Anyway, I am concerned that making a big production out of telling her H who is alleged to be involved in wayward behavior himself will not help Jlashley and her H heal. It may just bring back more attention onto H and OW. I don't know what the right way is to expose to OW's H, but I think it should be done in a very low key manner and reference inappropriate friendship that was disrespectful to marriage partners on both sides, something like that.

OW is probably already moving on to other men to get her emotional needs met. I just think there are many of you experts out there who might help with a nuanced way of handling this exposure in this situation that will not set Jlashley and her H back in their own recovery from this EA.
Lake

Yes, Lake, that is about as accurate as it gets. He didn't sent the NC letter as soon as I found MB and suggested it which is why it ended up being so crappy of a letter. He did the typical "out of sight out of mind". And it came back to bite him in the you know what.

He was not at all enjoying your breakdown of his NC email, but I completely defended myself and you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> with your interpretation of what you saw in it. I explained that it wasn't to tick him off but to help us figure out what went wrong with his boundaries.

I am still not sure why he doesn't want to confront OWH. I can't seem to get that answer. I am of the opinion now that it is just the easy way out for him not to and I explained to him that I don't care because I did not put a gun to his head to write those emails to her about me.

Part of recovery is getting those answers ....

here is my guess about this (just a guess)

Your H does not think what he did was waaaaaaaaay out of line ... "not that bad" "not really infidelity" .... etc.

anywho ---- it's up to YOU to set the bar of what YOU accept in recovery

I am very concerned that the door to resuming the A is open --- without the other betrayed spouse being on board

if you let this pass --- and OW's H is not onboard .... do NOT complain when you learn the A never really ended, it just got quiet for awhile

a PART of the reason your H does not want OW's H to know is [color:"red"] he is protecting OW from those consequences [/color] because [color:"blue"] he feels some sense of loyalty TO OW !!!!!! [/color] [color:"purple"] .... and that sense of loyalty TO OW carries more weight than him wanting to make YOU feel safe and cared for during recovery [/color]

be very very careful how you allow yourself to be treated poorly, because concern for you falls behind what H thinks is best for the OW ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />