Do I still love my wife? That's the question that has been running through my head for the last few weeks. Has anyone felt this during the recovery period. I feel like I fought for the marriage for the last 2 years. I just got to the point where I thought she may be 80% honest about what the A was and the details(She confessed some things two weeks ago). Now, I feel like I just may not love her anymore.

Why do I feel this way? I don't know. I fought for the marriage because I had deep love for her but as time as progressed, I really question if she ever had love for me and if she ever respected me as a husband.

Maybe I still carry resentment for the whole A. I tried to please her throughout our entire marraige. She and even her family told me that I lived my life for her and that I needed to be more selfish and do things that please myself. I always sacrificed for her.

She says she always loved me but just made a mistake. Well, how do you have a ONS with a stranger that you just met. Let him spend the night and then walk around in PUBLIC holding hands in front of our mutual friends. She kissed the man goodbye and then begin a long distance affair via the telephone. Then, on the day of discovery, she leaves the house(even though I was begging her to talk about what I had just learned), tells me she is not coming home and goes to meet the guy where there is more kissing. She tells him that day that she may be falling in love. He happened to be in town on one of the first days of discovery. She did come home and states that they only saw each other briefly and that she came home to avoid anything else sexually.

Anyway, that does not seem like the actions of someone who loved, cherished or respected her husband. She says that after the ONS, she thought that our relationship was over. However, even with that thought, she continued. I guess is was OK to lose me.

Then, we go through 2 years of dishonesty. She was not willing to be open and honest. She says she changed but still was not willing to give me what I needed, honesty.

She has admitted that she keeps relationships on the surface and is shallow. She goes by peoples words and not actions. The OM told her she was cute and she felt that he must love her therefore she felt obligated to have sex with him. She says it was not something she did not want BUT she felt more obligated to please him than to please her husband.

She stated during the affair that she wanted excitement and to party. She wanted to be this PARTY girl to escape her regular life. I still feel she is like that. She is quiet when we are together yet she changes into PARTY girl when friends are around. She says that she likes being loud and crazy acting when around others so they will like her. We have been around other couples the last two weeks and she stated that she did not have a good time. There was not a lot of drinking. We watched a game one weekend and the next was a dinner with a couple that does not drink. We had good conversation but that did not do it for her. She seemed very disappointed that we did not go over another couple who drank until 6 in the morning. She seems to still want this excitement and I don't feel like I do it for her.

I feel like she does not do it for me. Her personality is sooo extreme. Around me she states she wants to be the quiet, peaceful, happy person but around friends she feels the need to be this loud, drinking, attention-grabbing person.

Lastly, I don't feel the passion or desire. She is always tired or sleepy around me but will put in effort around others. She says she just feels comfortable around me and can be herself. With others, she tries to be loud and such so they will like her. When we are together, she does not seem interested in intimacy. I don't feel like she gets turned on by me or desires me sexually. Sex does seem like she is going through the motions or maybe a chore.

This has all turned me off. I want a person who loves, respects and cherishes me. I want a person who likes me for me. I want a person who is excited to be around me and desires me sexually. I want a person who is willing to meet my needs or better yet, wants to meet my needs.

I don't think that is my wife anymore. Maybe she never was but I was willing to live with some of my needs being met some of the time because of the committment we had. Now that is gone.

Did she ever love me? Does she even love me now?

HF

I can relate to what you’re going through. Not only have I not been able to end WW’s A, but by not doing a Plan B, the bad feelings have only grown and even the most disciplined person has a hard time insulating themselves from that. Hence, why the Plan B is very much a gesture of self-preservation if any reconciliation of ending of the A can happen.

I’ve found myself genuinely not liking my WW. It’s sad, almost heartbreaking. But I realize that not only have we drifted apart, but her continued behavior is a most heinous form of contempt, disrespect for me and for our children. From a foundational principle standpoint, I can not and will not be an enabler, or go along with her wicked games.

So I can acknowledge that it is indeed over. You’re in a different state though, and there may be a chance to heal. I’m no expert, but if she is committed to ending the affair and being with you, you now have to capitalize on that and heal—together. How you do that is not something I’m terribly qualified to speak on, but there are ways to do it.

Yes, she has ended the affair. The last time they physically saw each other was back in July 2005. The emotional affair(phone conversations, email, text messaging) ended in December of 2005. 2006 and 2007 has just been about the truth, details of the affair, trying to forgive and recover.

I feel for you too HF. A lot of your story reminds me of myself and my situation. I have a lot of the same quesions that you do. Hang in there man.

Have you tried radical honesty with her? How about showing her this post show she knows she is in grave danger of losing her marriage if she doesn't grow out of her immaturity.

It sounds like you are looking for a partner now and that is what marriage is all about, so use radical honesty with her. That is what a partner would do...give the other partner a chance to step up to the plate.

It's not good to always be the giver because this is what happens when the taker inevitably comes out. We read it over and over on here from BS's.

It is not a question of whether she loves you or not, it is more about a certain level of maturity and wanting to have a great marriage.

Sometimes when one person changes and decides they want a better marriage, that helps both to grow as people and brings great joy to both, the other person will jump on board when they see your positive changes.

Can you show her through actions what your idea of a great marriage is? Can you act the part, if only one sided for now and see if she will end up acting the other part?

That's what I would try.

You know I just read all the responses and your sig/time lines and realize that you probably have done so much of what I just said in trying to save your marriage after DD.

Still, you must practice radical honesty. She deserves to know your feelings and that her marriage may be in jeapordy. She may not believe you though, because you have given so much and she has been allowed to remain immature as far as her part of the marriage partnership goes.