Greengables suggested that I post this question over here.

My whole story is in my sig and some of you might already be familiar with it. In short, my W filed for D last month and we are currently trying to negotiate temp orders for a separation. We have two children; DD5 and DS3. My W is amenable to me remaining in the house and she will look for a home elsewhere within the county (hopefully nearby) assuming her lawyer doesn't gum it up.

Initially she seemed okay to joint physical custody with me and we tentatively agreed on doing alternating weeks. She is now unsure of that and fears that it might be too difficult for the kids to be away from her for a week at a time. In her words, she's "...not sure if it's in their best interests.". I counter with the question, "Why would having to spend a week with me not be in their best interest.?" I am purposely rephrasing the question in an effort to show her two perspectives here. It's not like they're going to be away with other relatives or friends. I am their father. Also, it is my hope that my W and I can be accommodating and amicable - to continue to work together and cooperate as parents. For instance, just because it's her week, I would be happy to pick the kids up from school/daycare if she got caught late at work. I hope that I can call on her for the same. Likewise, I know that many D'd and separated couples continue to engage in family activities from time to time for the sake of the kids. It gives them comfort to see mom and dad in the same place.

I have spoken at length with my IC (clinical psych who has also worked with kids), and he is of the mind that as long as my W and I can get along, the kids will be fine. And while it might be difficult for them to separate from their mother on my weeks, as long as they know that she's still "around" and available, they will adapt and get used to it. In his mind, establishing a routine is important. I asked him if it would confuse the issue if we continued to interact with each other during the other's off-weeks and he said no. The kids might need to be reminded who they are going to be with that week, but that again, they will adapt to it.

Also please bare in mind that I have been working very hard for the last 3 months to really step up and be a pillar in my childrens' lives. I was always around before, but I wasn't as engaged in the everyday routine stuff. I would make dinner and give them baths, but now I make it a point to either drive them to school or pick them up. I make their lunches, I get them up in the morning and feed them breakfast, etc... Not 100% of the time, but at least half of that if not more. My W admits that I have stepped up "bigtime", even if she is skeptical of my motives.

For me, her announcing a desire to D was my wakeup call. I'm not doing this to change her mind (though I hope that someday she might). Rather, I am doing this to show my kids that I can be a place of strength for them when it comes time to let them know what's happening. I want them to know that I will always be there to love them and support them. That I can take care of them and tend to their needs just as well as their mother can. It's not a competition for them - I hope that's not how it sounds. I just know that they will compare their lives in both places and I don't want to come up short in their eyes.

Also, I am a bit selfish in a way. I can't stand the idea of losing them for half of their lives as it is. But I want at least that. Standard protection of 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekend along with every other Wed (or whatever it is) just doesn't cut it with me. That's NOT enough!!!

Are there any other suggestions? Any other way to block out the calendar that would give me equal physical custody (in writing!), but assuage my W's fears about the kids having to cope with not sleeping in the same home as their mom for a week at a time?

Any input is appreciated. Thanks!

If you can continue to communicate for the benefit of the kids, you can effectively co-parent.
There are some who say younger children should not be away from their mother for an extended period of time.

For the 50/50 custody arrangement, the split week works very well for many people. One friend uses this and they live within a mile of each other and it works out well.
Instead of Sunday to Saturday. There is a way to schedule it so each parent gets a full weekend with the kids, but neither goes more than 3 days without seeing the kids. This works by putting a "transition day" in the center. The transition day can be any one you pick.
Week one
Mom: Monday
Dad: Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday
Mom: Friday, Saturday, Sunday
Week two
Dad: Monday
Mom: Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday
Dad: Friday, Saturday, Sunday

I know another family which does the 50/50 but splits the weekend. I like to travel, so that wouldn't work for me. I want a whole weekend. They switch on Saturdays or sunday mornings.

I don't know you, but remember that 50/50 means that you are fully responsible for them when they are in your care. You do all transportation, all laundry, all clothing, all activities, doctors visits, etc. Don't dump all responsibility on mom and take all the "fun days". It doesn't work that way.

My X and I have what amounts of 50/50.

I'm the custodial parent, but the agreement was written in such away that she has very liberal visitation rights (approximatley 50% of the time).

This was accomplished by working out the concept together AND then having the lawyer draft it up. It was her idea to go 50/50 with time. My idea for me to be the custodial parent since I have a bigger income and the kids are on my insurance.

Like you mention, the prospect of having them every other weekend did not cut it with me. Let me suggest you continue to work this with your W in an amicable manner. Stick to your guns on what's important, and give in what's not. This is your one bite at the apple. I'm told to "re-do" custody arrangments further down the road can be very difficult.

How does it work? The weeks I have them are very busy with parenting and such. I am able to work from home those weeks, so that helps. The weeks I don't have them I'm learning to fill the time constructively (hobbies, work longer hours, etc).

It was very difficult for me emotionally when she took the kids away for her week (I had to remind myself it was just a week). It's been a year now, and I still feel a twinge of bitterness when she comes and gets the girls on her weeks.

Good luck.

HL

newly - That alternative schedule is a good suggestion. My W might think that it's too disruptive to make multiple transitions during the week, but I would need a really tangible reason before giving up on the notion. I feel the same way about alternating weeks as well, but at least this gives us another option. And believe me, I am well aware of the difficulties in taking care of them. I have been doing it pretty steady for the last 7-8 weeks. It's a challenge, but it's for my kids. I don't mind. And despite what my W thinks right now, I was pretty active in the DS prior. I think that I understand what it takes.

Hardlesson - The kids will remain on my insurance and I make a little more than my W, but I will be happy for her to be primary. In a joint arrangement it just gives her the right to determine residence. And even then, I can prevent her from moving out of the county.

And I have heard the same thing about having one shot in these custody arrangements. I will NOT agree to less now and then hope to negotiate for more later on when the odds are really against me. Though times have changed, I still think that family courts favor the woman.

Can I ask you how your specific arrangement works? Do you guys alternate weeks? I'd appreciate any information on the mechanics of your situation please.

Seabird,

My XWH and I have 50/50 custody with our four children. The children were 9, 7 & 6 when the separation of agreement was drawn.

This is how our schedule works:
Mon & Tuesday kids are with XWH
Wed. & Thurs. kids are with me
Fri., Sat. & Sun we alternate

The kids had no trouble adjusting to the schedule. XWH & I live 2.5 miles apart, so it works well for us. The children take the bus to my house on my days and to his house on his days. When my daughter turned 12 last year, she request to live with me full time and sees XWH every other week.


Good luck with your situation!

Im - Interesting arrangement. If I understand correctly, the kids end up spending 5 days with the parent who gets weekend custody. You either get Wed-Sun, or your XWH gets Fri-Tues. Is that right?

My XW and I split week-to-week -- one week on and one week off. I need this week to myself because I have to travel sometimes for my job and I need that flexibility. We also keep the kids together when we trade off.

Thanks Hardlesson. Your arrangement is what would I prefer, but my W isn't seeing it that way right now.

Seabird, the mid-week transitions are very disruptive provided you have clothing at each person's house so that they children are packing and unpacking.

Regardless of the schedule, one thing I do know is kids need more clothes when the parents live apart. All the jeans are at Dad's but the kids are at mom's this weekend. Or if it works like mine, where I do all the laundry, I can't turn it around quickly enough. Just be prepared to keep running out to Target. LOL.

There is an advantage to IMO's version in that if the kids are involved in sports, dance, one parent can be responsible for a certain activity (the other has the option to attend too).

Re: Clothing
My X originally thought I'd buy all the clothes, wash them and return them so he'd have clothes. 50/50 means just that. Each parent provides for the children's care when theyare with them, housing, food, clothing, extras, etc.
And, that also means extracurricular, school field trips, etc.

Being a 1/2 time parent for 7-8 weeks is good, but can you really handle it full time? Be realistic. Are you sure you know all that your wife manages while you haven't been that 50/50 partner parent? My X doesn't do homework, activities, birthday parties, doctors, dentists, counseling, parent teacher conferences or events on "his" time. So the kids miss out. Nor does he feel the need to attend their performances when it is not "his" night. Meanwhile, I'm jumping through hoops to give my kids a normal life with activities all on my time. Think about your job and whether you can handle a busy children's schedule long term.

Green - Did you mean to say that the mid-week transition AREN'T very disruptive provided they have clothing in both places? I have no problem with that whatsoever. I also do a ton of laundry for the entire house (seems like it never ends LOL!). I will not do all of it though. My W will be responsible for doing her side of it. Although if she moves into an apt without an inside W&D, I will be happy to let her do it at the house if she wants.

newly - Please believe me when I tell you that I have been more involved in my kids' day to day activities than my W gave me credit for. I feel there was a lot that I did that she never acknowledged. I have not gone from doing nothing, to doing exactly half over the last 7-8 weeks. Frankly, I feel that I have done MORE than half over the last few months. I am fully aware and committed to providing for my children full-time. I wouldn't be pursuing this otherwise. Thank you for clarifying your concerns though.

"Does Wednesday mean Mom's house or Dad's?" is a decent read for co-parents to be.

Checked out the link ba. Could you offer some Cliff Notes on it beyond what's already on the dustcover please? There seem to be so many different schools of thought on the subject.

click the link, then click 'search inside this book'.

You can view the entire table of contents and a small portion of chapter one.

There are a few examples of parenting schedules in the book and suggestions on how to deal with holidays and other special days or events.

The book also suggests ways to deal with inevitable conflicts that will arise. You are already preconceiving the notion of your STBXW moving out of the area. Or perhaps, even yourself. That possibility is real. Things can and do change overnight.


Take that advice with a grain of salt as it begins with a disclaimer. You won't always get along with STBXW.

Some kids adjust better than others. Parenting schedules can and sometimes do need to be altered as kids age or even depending on how a child is adjusting and coping with the new living arrangement. Courts are well aware of this fact, especially with very young children or special needs children. One parenting schedule may not suit both of your children. Don't assume they will simply 'get used to it'.

Equal time with each parent is not always in the the best interest of the children.

Right now, you are thinking that everything will be fine and 50/50 works well.

As much as I try to limit conflict, my children are stuck in the middle. My X is angry about the parenting time (although I offered more and his fighting led to less). He's angry about where I bought my house, although it was within the agreed upon guidelines. He constantly tells the kids he can't come to events because I moved too far away.
He's never bothered to meet DD's counselor, much less talk to her. My kids can't be involved in activities which may occur on "his" time, and really that doesn't work. I am so tired and sad from telling my kids that they can't do X, Y & Z because I haven't heard back from daddy that he will take them. (Did you know that sports make you sign contracts that you can be at 75% of the games? If he had EOW and refuses to take DD, she can't sign up).
My kids miss out on so much because their dad has 1/3 time.
And yet, I get stuck with all the responsibility. He fills out no forms. He makes no arrangements. I jump through hoops just to make sure DD can attend girl scout events and have someone cover until dad picks her up (after he's yelled at me). (GS events are right after school in place of aftercare). Dad refuses to take DD's to Father/Daughter dances. He can't be bothered to pay day care or summer camp on time, so I take the brunt of it from providers.
Parenting time without responsibility is a joke. If you want 50/50. Fine. Make sure you step up to the plate and take 50% of the responsibility.

And I never really asked if you travel for business. If you do, do you assume your X will always be available to watch the kids for you? How does that work when she has a job, a date, other responsibilities? Will you watch the kids when she travels or has a date?

Many X's are very inflexible, and the cooperation you may have now can quickly erode during a divorce. Plan for a positive co-parenting relationship, but prepare for the worst.

newly - I get it. Thank you.

Newly, I think Seabird will be the opposite of your ex from what I’ve read on his other threads. Hopefully, his wife, who may or may not divorce him, will hold up her end of the bargain.

Here’s the real truth, Seabird, handling the children is a bear when you get divorced. If one person is anal (Not pointing fingers here, Newly), and the other is more of a free spirit, there’s going to be trouble. Me, I’m the list-making freak that has to have arrangements made 6 months in advance. My ex is a free spirit. So, if one of the girls wants to do something, I start investigating, make a list or two, and present options to my ex and ask for opinions. I get nothing back. Recently, I signed up the younger one for riding lessons. She loves horses like crazy. I found a place with a good reputation and cheap group lessons. B never got back to me, so I signed her up. Now he’s pissed.

It is truly easier if there are lines of demarcation. Like you are in charge of the pediatrician, and she does dental. Or you do all of that since its your insurance, but she does the clothing and sports.

If you two can set up ground rules for the children’s activities that may help too. Like only one extra activity per child at a time. Or both children have to do the same activity at the same time. Church could be another issue. Where will they go? Who decides on things like first communion and confirmation?

Since you and your wife seem to have similar values, if not taste, you two have a better chance at co-parenting than some. If your values are dramatically different, the situation Newly and I find ourselves in, co-parenting is next to impossible.

Thank you Green. This part of the board seems a bit insulated from the rest of the forum. I suspect that not everyone has a complete picture of my situation.

My goal is the welfare and wellbeing of my children. I honestly cannot imagine denying them my time or effort because of petty anger toward their mother. I want to be MORE involved in their life, not less. If my W offered me primary custody, I would take it in a heartbeat.

The reason I like alternating weeks is because I think that it will offer us MORE flexibility. A more concrete schedule makes it more difficult to negotiate trading off days I think. It's not my intent to insulate my kids from my W during my time. I hope that she feels the same. And just because it's not my day or week with them, I wouldn't in a million years think to refuse them my presence at a b-day party or school activity or whatever. I want my kids to know that I am always there and available, regardless of where they happen to be sleeping that night.

I will always be a full time parent. Even if they're going to bed in a different house.

There are many different viewpoints, and I am cautioning you to realixe what 50/50 truly means for your entire family. My point is that if you think you can be a full time parent now, and state that is not the way you were, why do you think you can keep it up if you didn't do it when you had an intact family? It's a challenge as you've read on other posts. And as you can tell, in most cases, responsibility gets dumped on the mothers.

My X thought he could handle 50/50 and even demanded for sole custody. Now, he gives up time with the kids, and when he has them he does not focus on the kids. They are just there. And while he has a GF, the kids go where she takes her D.

Be the father you want for your children, and make the right decision for them. It's not about you.

Newly - I agree, there are many different viewpoints. Not all of them converge into a single inconsiderate XH who dumps their kids off on others because he's too busy or self-absorbed. I think that you misinterpreted what I wrote w/re to my involvement with my family.

Though I wasn't part of every element of their day to day routine, I feel like I contributed in other ways that perhaps my W didn't notice or took for granted. From many of the threads that I have read here, many XWs are shocked and dismayed by the amount of extra work they are faced with as single parents, despite their belief that they were already doing the lion's share of the work. I think this will be the case with my W.

I am trying to make the right decision for my children. I believe it is in their interest to have me in their lives as much as possible. I don't think that makes it about me.

Once again, thank you for your opinion and I will take it under advisement. I get the sense that you think I might be dismissing you or ignoring you. What do you need to hear from me in order to believe otherwise?