Hi all. I have been MIA since school let out because having all the kids all day is driving me nuts. However now I have what I think may be a problem. I have been running with the kids and trying to keep the busy and out of the house so my DH can have some peace while he works from home.

So day before yesterday I asked him was I doing a good job of meeting his EN? He said I want you to talk to me more and I said ok I will do a better job at that. I am sorry for not spending more time with you. I will work on it. So yesterday I try and spend some time talking and being affectionate with him and he was kind of standoffish. I think it was because he was sleepy. He tried to take a nap on the couch and the kids kept waking him up. However at bedtime he was more open. The potential problem is this.

I have recently started going for a walk with my neighbor after we get the kids in bed. Well last night I asked my H if it were ok if I went with her and he said yes just be careful. I said ok and we can spend time together when we get back I promise I won't be gone lone. So then I got ready and he said is she we will call her B coming over and I said why you don't want her to and he said no I don't mind. I said oh ok because I know you don't usally like company. Then later after I got back I asked him if he felt like she was coming over to much and he said no. BTW she is married but her and her H rarly spend time together because they work opposite shifts and long hours.

So later that night I asked him if he found B attractive and he said yes and I asked if he was attracted to her and he said no but he got fidgetty when I asked him this. SO now I am starting to think things and I don't want to do the wrong thing. SO I need to know how to proceed here. It maybe nothing but I don't want to take any chances. I am thinking when he asked if she was coming over that he was looking forward to seeing her and then when I asked if he found her attractive from his reaction I want to be cautious. Please advice. Am I being insecure or do I have a reason to fear? Thanks to all who answer.

DIG,

I learned a long time ago that I have intuition for a reason. The times I've ignored it....have been at my own peril. Your post was confusing....so it was hard to understand who this "B" really was....but I got the gist. The only things you need to do are stay frosty, stop leaving your husband alone with someone he finds attractive and discourage that relationship by revealing your discomfort about it.

Thank you Star for replying. I am sorry my post was confusing tell me what made it so so I can fix it. B is our neighbor who has just recentlly started coming over on a daily or almost daily basis. We have started to walk at night and I know that she is lonely because she besides me and work she hardly has any adult interaction. Her H works two job and she works from 9-6. She think he is unattractive because he gained weight.

I am concerned because I know they(she and her H) are having problems and I know my H thinks she is attractive. From what I can tell they don't spend any time alone other than the other day when we had a get together and she brought him over to her house to show him the work she had done to her yard because my H is trying to get things done in our yard and she was giving him suggestions. I just know that my H is anti-social and anytime he is asking if someone is coming over and it's not because he doesn't want them over it bothers me. If you know what I am saying. Tell me if this explantion is more clear. I know she will be coming over more because of our walks so how can I head off trouble and also how can I let him know what I feel without LBing? My concerns.

DIG, I agree 100% with starfish. Everytime I have ignored my instincts, I paid dearly. Stay away from this woman. She is trouble. A needy woman to whom your H is attracted is nothing but trouble. I would stop walking with her and start backing off.

Don't accuse your H of anything.He has done nothing wrong. Just tell him you feel uneasy about the friendship because of her marital problems and leave it at that. You are NOT insecure, DIG, you are being SMART.

can't you meet her at HER house for the walks? why does she have to come over at all? just meet her there and then leave her there and go home.

as far as your concerns... i dunno what to say... i don't know your sitch, was your husband a wayward before? if so, i understand your concerns. i would be very uncomfortable if i were still with my h and he thought a neighbor was attractive.

however, if he is not a wayward or he once was but truly truly is not anymore, i am not sure what to think. my bf will tell me if he thinks a woman is attractive but i don't think he means anything more than he thinks she is attractive. i know he wants to be with me and i am secure in that. i think my bf just really has a love of women, meaning he enjoys them and likes looking at them,etc. but not in a way that means he "wants" them, he just likes women. i am not threatened by it. i think i am pretty enough and i like how i dress and i am getting back down to my goal weight so i feel ok. in fact, a couple we are getting to be good friends with, the wife and i are getting to be really good friends, we are a lot alike, etc... just bond well. she is a tall slim blonde, very nice, etc.. he has told me before he thinks she is attractive and it doesn't bother me. i don't feel threatened. she has a wonderful marriage to a great guy and i think my bf just thinks she is pretty. he also tells me i am all the time too and that helps.

soooo....
i guess it depends from which direction your h is coming from to know whether or not to be concerned about this.
sorry i wasn't more help.

mlhb

I would not be friends with someone who could not mesh well with my marriage, and this lady cannot. Better to find couples friends that you can enjoy together as a married couple.

DIG:

My thought?

Your H was being honest with you.

This is a serious plus.

Meet "B" at her house, and leave it at that. Don't let her hang around, and potentially put out more "feeler's" to your H. The trip to her Lawn? "feeler" #1.

He allowed that this woman was attractive to him. He might only think about her as attractive. But his hesitantcy to tell you can be interpeted two ways.

1: He is crossing a boundary, by admitting his desire, and that is dangerous.
2: He is afraid to be honest with you in situations like this because he has gotten burned (later) by you in the past.

Both situations require a careful response from you.

His being honest with you is the best thing that can ever happen, and he needs to know that no matter what, his being honest with you will not get him burnt in the future. (Ok, him coming to you a stating: "I'm in an A, and you can't do anything about it, because I am being honest!, Doesn't work that way!)

Flamingo and I can discuss the attractiveness of other people now. Because we are secure with each other... And Flamingo? OMG! She's Great!

So, tell and discuss with him about what you will learn on this thread about this question.

He may think that so far he is being innocent, and so is she. But, he is aware of her, and he understands that she might have the ability to make him do inapropriate things. HE KNOWS this inside. (I've BT,DT, got the Scarlet Letter) Your H hasn't, but he KNOWS she can get closer to him.

Start discussing boundaries with your H.

Understand that an A with this "B" can occur right under your nose. (Read LilSis's FIRST thread)

Make him feel safe in addressing your concerns about "B", and you get stronger knowing that HE recognizes the boundaries....

LG

Ok I have to first say thank you all so much for your very smart and helpful answers. Yes I have to say I can relate to everything everyone had to say here and it was all good advice. MHLB as far as me being secure in who I am doing alot better on that. I feel and look great. I have lost 18lbs and still losing. The thing with my H is that he doesn't tell me I am attractive but since losing some weight more people are telling me I am gorgegous and it makes me feel really good. However he won't tell me and he is the person I want most to hear this from.


Hey MEL!! (Maryam waving) How are you? I understand exactly where you are coming from. Back when I was staying in FL there was this girl I use to hang out with and she had a baby the same age as my baby at the time. She was very needy. Her BF didn't spend time with her and they argued alot. She would call my house when I was spending time with my H after I told her this was when I spent time with him. I asked her not to call after a certain time and she still did. She told me she was into women. She would watch for my H to come home from work and then she come over in really suggestive clothing. I then proceeded to tell her since she couldn't respect my boundaries I would no longer talk to her then she started calling and hanging up. We were getting close to moving in our house our of the apartments we were staying in. After that I got an unlisted number. It was pretty scary and after that I stop trying to make friends with people for a while because I didn't trust myself and I can't just let anybody around my family.

LG HI!!(Maryam waving again) How are you doing?

I have to say yes I really appreciate the fact that he was honest about finding her attractive. It's a very goodthing indeed. However him admitting that won't stop what could be a disaster in the making. He has a problem being open. Just today he needed some time to himself and instead of telling me that he kept responding in short cold answers.

DIG: Mr.DIG are you ok? You have been being cold distant today?

Mr. DIG: Yes I am fine.

DIG: Ok.

This is coming two days after he told me he wanted me to spend more time with him. I asked him why he told me to be more attentive and then when I tried to be he started pushing me away and he said he didn't know. Then the neighbor came by to drop off a table they had borrowed for a party and he wanted me to answer the door and I couldn't because I didn't have on a shirt. SO he got it and then brought it in and he wanted help but instead of asking he said no jerk I don't need any help. I was like I am sorry. I didn't know you needed help all you had to do was ask and I would have done it. Then he wanted to take it down to the basement and he was going to have to take the legs off and he asked me to help and everytime I tried he was doing something else so I said do you want to just do it later and he said yes I will just do it myself since you seem to be in such a rush. Then I asked him if everything was ok and he said I am kind if snippy right now and I was trying not to subject you to it that's why I said I would do the table myself. SO I went upstairs and took a nap and came down two hours later. I came to tell him I was about to go and I would be back soon. He was still cold and indifferent. After I kissed him I said when I get home I hoped he was in a better mood. He said I told you I needed some space and it seems like you are trying to control the the sitch and I was like when did you say you needed space? If you would have said that I would have been happy to give you some space. He said I did tell you that's what I meant when I said I would do the table myself. I said baby I only understand when you are being straght forward not when you drop hints. The next time you need space just say that please. Then he said you are still trying to control the sitch. I said whatever you say baby. I will see you when I get back and I left. When I got home he was smiling so I guess he feels better.

I feel secure in myself and our R for the most part. The only reason I am concerned is because I have seen how things seem to start so innocent and end up going to ****** in a hand basket. I don't want to take any chances.

This is another thing. My mom and all of her daughter B-day is days apart which is starting today and ending on the 19th. They wanted to all meet up at Destin FL so we could celebrate the way you did when I was at home. I asked my DH if he wanted to go and he said no because he would feel like it was a vaction it would be him running interference with the kids whileI talked to my family but you can go if you want to. I did want to go but there is no way I am leaving my H here by himself for the weekend with my neighbor off of the weekends. She already told me she barely sees him outside. So that kind of cause me some concern too. Why is she looking for him outside? What bothers me more is that she is a lot like me. She even told me she had a crush on the CSR I almost had the EA with.

As far as me backing off from her,I need to know how to do that. My kids play with her's almost daily. How can I do this without causing problems between our kids?

I had thought maybe I could just meet her at her house. I don't know though. I do know that I had invited her to the house for the get together at 4 and she was the last persone to leave at 10 that night. It's like she didn't want to go home. What's a girl to do?

I would find some new playmates for the kids and quietly withdraw from this family.


A smart girl does not play with fire. She carefully backs away from it. You have a marriage to protect, DIG.


How about this the next time he calls you a "jerk:"

"I BEG YOUR PARDON?"

Give him a look of SHOCK that conveys VERY CLEARLY that he will never, ever call you a JERK. If you don't respect yourself enough to not tolerate that kind of abuse, he won't either. Don't TOLERATE abuse, DIG. It will not endear your husband to you, it will only make him disrespect you.

Ok I understand the whole notion of not playing with fire. I don't even want to take that chance. My H doesn't really like our kids playing with their daughter very much anyway because he thinks she is a bad influence. She is very manipulative but all kids are like that. They learn real early how to get want they need/want. He feels like our kids are already bad enough without her help.

As far as him calling me a jerk I don't see it as disrespect it's how we always play. I call him thing like bighead, stinky, jerk, and the like but it is done out of fun not disrespect. If I felt like he meant anything more than him playing around I would not stand for it. We crack jokes about each others families and such all the time. It's how we stay close. It's like I play with my siblings. I respect him and myself to much and my kids for that matter to let anyone talk to me in anyway I feel is innoapropriate. I know kids learn more from what they see than what you tell them. For this reason I stand up for myself and try to always do what is right.

Oh I forgot to add this about "B" she is a year younger than me and this is her second mariage and she has kids by three different men. So yeah I think I need to keeo my distance

sheeesh! Ya didn't tell me he was joking, girl!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

DIG..this says it all..she doesn't believe in marriage..and is probably real jealous of you...wants what you have and probably has made a play...maybe only SUBTLE..but your H got the VIBES...

TIME TO PUT AN END TO THIS....

Hey Mrs Mimi!! I missed you too. I was wondering where you were and what took you so long to reply to my post. How are you doing? (Maryam is once again waving)!!

I think you all are absolutely right. I think I am getting these feelings not because I am being insecure but because my gut is telling to watchout. I think I need to just do what I have been doing and just be more into the people inside this house because I know they have our family's best interst at heart.

Mel I am sorry. I guess I should have mentioned that he was playing. Without me mentioning that I could see how someone else could get the wrong idea about his comments. It's all good. I will make sure to add those little tidbits in the future.LOL.

Hi DIG, I just want to say I think you're VERY smart for recognizing this potential danger and threat to your M in time! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Knowledge about infidelity and how “innocently” it can start makes one very “sensitized” to potential A’s doesn’t it?

Anyway, I agree with the others that you should slowly withdraw from “B” and cut her and her family completely out of your lives.

Take care,
Suzet

Thank you Suzet for your kind words. I really appreciate it. I have to say I talked to my DSH last night. I asked him to look me in the eyes and once he did I asked him if he was attracted to "B" and he said no.

DIG: I am sorry for bringing this up again. I just wanted to air my concerns and I really appreciate you taking all of this so well.

Mr DIG: I knew it was going to be a problem when I told you I thought she was attractive.

DIG: Why would you think there would be a problem. Have I ever come to you before with these kinds of concerns about anyone else I brung around you?

Mr. DIG: No.

DIG: So I wanted you to realize it is not because I am being insecure. I think our friend ("K") looks way better than her and I never worried about if you felt like she was attractive.

Mr DIG: No because she stays like a hour and a half away.

DIG: No that's not it she and her H have a good M and I know that even if you were attracted to her that the threat level is low. "B" on the other hand is not happyily M'ed and her hanging around here and you finding her attractive is not good.

Mr. DIG: Well then you should worry about her and not me.

DIG: Not necessarily. All she had to do was come to you when you were vunerable like you were on the out with me at the time and your defenses would be down and she says the right thing to you and you are hooked.

Mr.DIG: SO are you saying you don't trust me. You should know after all this time that me being with you that how I feel should be enough for you not to doubt me.

DIG: SO you have never felt threaten about a guy that was hanging around even though you know I haven't done anything to make you doubt me?

Mr. DIG: No not really.

DIG: So that is not an absolute. I know you felt threatened about the CSR when he came over because of how you would act when he came around.

Mr DIG: That's different. You would talk to him whenever he came over and you were not even talking to me at the time.

DIG: You know yourself that I talk to everyone that comes to this house just like I talked to him. Also the reason I wasn't talking to you is because whenever I tried to you act like you were not interested. No I think the reason youu felt threatened is because you knew it had the potential to become a problem and I am feeling the same way about this sitch. I told you I found him attractive however I think you are way more attractive to me.

Mr DIG: Oh that's so cute my baby is jealous.

DIG: I am glad you think so. It's not being jealous as much as it is being smart. I have seen from the MB board how things start so innocently and then go downhill from there and I am not willing to take that chance.

Mr DIG: You know you should not have to worry about that because I love you.

DIG: Ok check this out what if a woman came along with no kids. She did everything to make you happy and nothing to make you angry and she thought the sun rose and set with you. The only thing she wanted from you is to be with you. Would you be tempted?

Mr DIG: Maybe a little but I have to tell you that woman was you when I first met you. Now we are having this conversation and I know if I were to be with someone else that in ten years that we would be having the same convo that you and I are having right now.

DIG: SO then we understand each other. Right? I just don't want you to drop your defenses and get caught up in something.

Mr DIG: I will not let my guard down.

DIG: I appreciate your honesty and thank you for being O & H with me. i promise I will not bring up "B" anymore. I love you.

Mr. DIG: I love you too.

DIG: Besides I knew I would win anyway because instead having to deal with four kids running around screaming fighting, & making noise you would have to worry about 7 and I know it wouldn't be long before you came back. LOL

Mr DIG: You really were thinking this through huh?

DIG: You are damn straight. I ain't leaving nothing to chance.

So after this I feel alot better about our R after we had this talk. Now my only problem is I asked him the other day what could I do to be a better W to him and he said don't start asking me questions. I think he replied that way instead telling how he really felt because he was afraid if he did that I would want to tell him what he could do to be a better H and he wasn't trying to hear that. So how can we get past this hump? Any suggestions? I am all ears.