OK...so a few things you must know. 1) I am not married, but engaged. 2) It is a long-distance relationship due to my attending grad school 700 miles away from him. If either of these will make my post unsuitable for this forum, I am sorry.

Now for the story...

I had an affair, which I deeply regret. It lasted a month, and was with my (then boyfriends) friend. It was mostly emotional, but did reach physical status (kissing) at one point - most of the contact was through phone and email, as I had returned to school and OM lives in the same town as my BF. I lied about it repeatedly, and only admitted to it when confronted directly. It took me several weeks to admit to everything.

Once I had finally come clean, I cut off all contact with OM. I haven't had any communication with him in 5 months, and feel no desire to.

I don't expect this to be easy. I screwed up big time, destroyed the trust I had been given, and lied about it on top of everything. However, I deeply regret my actions both for what I did, and for the damage I have caused. I love my fiancee, and know that I will never do this again.

However, I am confused by several things.

You may have noticed that I refer to both "boyfriend" and "fiancee". These are the same person. He proposed AFTER I came clean about my actions. I am amazed and greatful...yet baffled. Most days seem great, we speak regularly and make plans for the wedding and for him to move out here, but when something sets him off the affair is once again front and center.

(For example, last night I fell asleep with my phone beside me, he had said he would call me when he got home. My phone rang at 12:10 am, and I answered it only to be accused of sleeping around. This was due to the fact that he had called me earlier and my phone did not ring - I have very poor service, know for a fact that it wasn't turned off, and am telling the entire truth about my whereabouts.)

I understand how and why he would be upset, and that he has no trust in me. But how/why do we keep moving forward, if this keeps happening? Is it all pretend on his part?

Secondly, he is now friends again with OM. This makes me very uncomfortable, but I feel that I have no right to request a change - after all, it was my fault. I want to tell him that this bothers me...should I?

galia,

""Secondly, he is now friends again with OM. This makes me very uncomfortable, but I feel that I have no right to request a change - after all, it was my fault. I want to tell him that this bothers me...should I?""

One of the major points of the MB principals about rebuilding your relationship after the EA or PA is NO CONTACT.

People are advised to quit their jobs and move to another state to keep the NO CONTACT. They are instructed to send a NO CONTACT letter to the OP and promise NEVER to see the OP again. THEN the marriage or relationship can start to rebuild.

How the HECK will you be able to keep the NC when your soon to be H and OM are good buds again? AND WHAT IS YOUR soon to be H THINKING ABOUT?? He should be very upset with him. Sounds wacky to me....like maybe he is taking the whole thing too lightly with the OM but coming down hard on you.

Now he is accusing you of sleeping around for not answering your phone? Has he become more emotionally abusive to you? And does he think maybe this is his right to do so? So then he be-friends the OM again???

So if you complain to him about it, he can then be more abusive and belittle you further, and re-hash the same accusations.

This sounds like something that can only get worse, specially if the OM is still in your line of sight.

IMHO

kirk

Kirk, thank you.

I read your post repeatedly (actually tearing up a bit now). I feel that my soon-to-be H (STBH) blames me for it all, but not OM. STBH spent all this past weekend with OH, working on his car and hanging out. Last night, the phone thing happened after STBH was going home from OH's house.

However, I have a hard time deciding if I am blowing this out of proportion. I mean, I am 700 miles away, I guess I don't really know what is happening back home. And I can't expect the realationship to improve with phone contact only...

I will be going home for a few days next weekend - when I've seen STBH in person, everything has been great. I don't know if the stress of distance and plans is just adding to this?

This "Friend" is not a friend to either of you.

Your Fiancee needs to see this. Your boyfriend experienced two betrayals: You betraying him by being with his friend, and his friend betraying him.

No question, he should end the friendship because it is a fraud.

Real friends don't interlope into other friend's relationships.

Resilient,

What you say makes perfect sense...but should I just wait for him to realize that? Or should I say something? And how would I say something regarding OM without sounding like I'm trying to run my fiancee's life?

Bring him here.

You're truly remorseful and want a good marriage, right?

MB can help both of you.

Jo

I want to make this R work, and I want to make sure that there is no possibility of an A ever happening again. I will try to get him to MB, but I fear that he will be very resistant.

How old is your BF?

I suspect that, because there was no sex involved, it's a bit easier for him to handle than a full-blown A.

BTW - Your story strikes a chord with me. Years ago, before we were M'd, my GF had an A while she was away studying. It was very short as well - about a month. But there was sex involved, and I know that affected me much more than if had been just emotional or even if there was kissing involved.

Here's something to consider: His proposal may have been a knee-jerk reaction to the news of the A - an offer made partly because he was more afraid of losing you rather than anything else. A good M requires love, trust and commitment, and right now the trust is missing from your relationship. Don't get M until you're sure it's returned, and if it doesn't appear that it's returning, you may want to reconsider the engagement.

In my case, I waited until I thought I could trust her again - and she still ended up cheating on me 12 years later <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. Took MB to make me realize that the cheating was all about her failures, not mine.

ManInMotion:

He's 24, I'm 23. We've been dating for 6.5 years now - a lot of it has been long distance, because of my schooling, and this is the first and only time I even considered an A. Not that that makes it any better.

I am sorry to hear about the similarities between our situations, although I must admit that your story makes me even more determined not to be "that person." I have done more than enough damage to him, to our relationship, and to my own self-image - it will not happen again.

I have no doubt you mean that.

But what are you going to do to figure out why it happened in the first place?

IOWs, why do YOU think you did it?

Sorry but I just don't see the point. Why begin a new marriage with this baggage? Marriage is hard enough as it is.

That makes our stories even more similar.



If you really want to do this, simply telling yourself that it won't happen again is not going to work. You need to understand why it happened in the first place, so you can take steps to ensure it never happens again.

Why did I do this?

Well, in addition to the obviously selfish nature of the deed, I felt attracted to OM not because of physical qualities but because he was easy to talk to. We shared many of the same interests, ones that my BF did not share. However, I know that this means that I need to work on what my BF and I do share, and let him know that although he hates to talk on the phone, that communication makes me feel closer to him.

Since this event, my BF has taken an interest (of his own free will) in one area that I am passionate about, and I am making an effort to learn more about his interests. (Although I may never be a true history buff, I have discovered that I love the life stories involved in the historical documentaries he loves, for example). We have also found new, mutual interests.

Ok, I seem to have wandered off the topic of why I did this. Basically, I liked the genuine-seeming interest OM took in me and my life. It was that feeling like when you first start dating someone - everything about them fascinates you. I felt like the center of his world, which was a feeling I had been missing.

How do you avoid another affair?

Avoid close relationships with members of the opposite sex. Do not spend any alone time with a member of the opposite sex. Do not flirt with members of the opposite sex. Do not share anything personal with members of the opposite sex. If is man is trying to start up a friendship with you, there is a 99.9% chance that he wants to sleep with you (the other 0.1% chance is that you are very ugly but have a hot friend that he wants to sleep with instead of you). These are universal truths that you have to accept. Men and women CANNOT just be friends without risk of that friendship escalating into an affair (emotional or physical. Emotional affairs can be more damaging than physical affairs. It is MUCH easier to keep members of the opposite sex at a distance than to keep a friendship from developing into an inappropriate relationship, especially when you and your spouse are having problems. Who would you go to for help? Your opposite sex friend. You would be sharing intimate details with him and meeting each other's emotional needs. This would cause you to develop "feelings" for that person. It is best just to make precautions from that ever happening.

Jim,

It's sad to think that any friendship between the sexes is dangerous...but I believe you. I don't currently have any male friends, so I will keep it that way.

Thank you.

Somedays my BF says he wants to save our relationship, and some days he says that he doesn't think it's worth it. The good days are more often than the bad ones, so I think that's a good sign. I know that this has to be his choice - he's the one who was hurt...but is there any way I can help him? Can I make it easier for him to deal with day-to-day?

Well, you live 700 miles from him, so there isn't much you can do. It is very important to spend at least 15 hours a week with him. You will continue to have problems as long as there is so much distance between you. When you are around him make sure to meet his top ENs and avoid LBs. Have you identified what his top ENs are and what his top LBs are. I can tell that Honesty is pretty near the top right now. Also, stand up for yourself and don't take his abuse. If he wants to yell at you and ask you the same question over and over, politely say that you aren't going to engage in this and hang up the phone. This way, he will learn not to drain your love bank.

Jim,

Thank you so much for your advice. I'm going to try to get him to go through the ENs with me, so I know exactly what he needs most. Standing up for myself has always been difficult for me - I know this is something I need to work on. I always back down/hide/cry/whatever, rather than being calm and firm.

Thank you!

Ok, so this probably doesn't matter to anyone but me...but I'm excited so I thought I would share. Yesterday, my BF sent me a birthday present. And it was perfect! I feel like he really thought about it, and knows what I like...that little bit of attention makes me so happy!

Ok, so...Is it possible/reasonable for me to do a modified plan a? I know that this is used by the BS when the A is continuing, or during withdrawal...but wouldn't it be a good plan in order to foster a better relationship?

On another note - how would I discuss my needs for conversation and affection, while avoiding being interpreted as saying "you never do X or Y"? I tend to avoid tough conversations because I do not do well with confrontations (raised voices have always made me cry), but I want to be able to discuss important issues calmly.

Suggestions?

no, this is not reasonable

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