I am new here and I need some help. My H and I have been married for 13 years and we have 2 boys.

5-6 weeks ago my H gave me a shock. he told me that he had cheated on me one weekend 5,6,7 years ago while I was out of town with his mom. He said he had to get it off his chest because it had been eating at him for that long. I told him that I could forgive him and we could work through this.

Everything was OK until 2 weeks ago. We had a great Memorial Day weekend until Sunday night and He told me he was leaving in the morning. WHAT A SHOCK!!!! I asked him why he was leaving and he states he has not been happy for several years and that he loves me but he's not in love with me.

He has been staying at his mom and dads house for the past 2 weeks. His dad passed away unexpectantly 1 week ago today and that was a major shock. He is an emotional roller-coaster right now-understandingly.

My H states he has already been to a lawyer and the separation papers are "in the mail". He wants a divorce and I think he is moving way too fast.

I have asked him if there is an OW and he denies it. My gut feeling is that there is a OW but I cant prove it and I dont know when he would have time for that.

PLEASE HELP, I WANT MY HUSBAND BACK!!!!!

T&B:

Sorry you have to be here.

Have you read the basic concepts? They were on the scrren just prior to entering the discussion forums.

There is probably Another Woman involved. Might be the same one from 5,6,7, years ago.

Also purchase His Needs, Her Needs (HNHN) from this website. Surviving An Affair (SAA) is a must read as well. The A might have been 5 years ago, or right now, the book helps under both scenarios.

There is a post at the top of the "Just Found Out" Forum about all the abbreviations that we use. And some links to some threads that can provide you some more detailed guidance.

Once again, sorry you have to be here. But, you have come some place that CAN recover your M.

It's a long road, it took you 13 years to get here, It won't get fixed overnight, but there is a very good chance for you to save it if you hang around and learn the MB way.

LG

Your husband is ACTIVELY engaged in an affair. I could say "most likely", but I don't believe that.

Read the books: Surviving and Affair; His Needs Her Needs; Love Busters. Stall with the separation papers. Refuse to discuss divorce, tell him you only do marriage.

Read about Plan A and Plan B.

Your husband was testing the waters by telling you about the 5 year old affair. He was hoping you'd throw him out, then you'd be the bad guy. But you screwed up his plans by offering to forgive him and work through it. Now he comes up with the ILYBINILWY speech. CLASSIC AFFAIR BEHAVIOR!

Don't worry, all hope is NOT lost. His mind may be lost (zapped by brain eating aliens), but the situation is far from hopeless. I gave the same speech to my husband about 15 months ago, and we have recovered and are enjoying our marriage and life together again.

Before you do anything: SNOOP! There are some great posts on this discussion board about the fine art of snooping. If you go at him unarmed he'll just hunker down and go underground and deny everything. If he doesn't know you suspect anything then he will continue business as usual and you'll be able to confirm your suspicions. Most of all...DO NOT TELL HIM ABOUT THIS SITE, until you are actively working on recovery!

lousygolfer:

Thanks for the advise and I hope I can recover my M.

I have read the basic concepts.


T&B

Cathys01:

I am afraid there is OW. I will have to read up on SNOOPING.

I asked him if he had told me about the cheating so I would throw him out and he said "I don't know" which told me that was the reason for telling me.

His mind is lost but I'm not giving up HOPE.

congratulations on your recovery!!!!

T&B

Yeah, he's in an A. I am so sorry.

If you can snoop, do it. Get all the intel you can so he can't deny. If you can't get that info, I would proceed to having a discussion with him, a calm one if possible. Tell him that you know he is having an A and you want him to end it. And that you want to recover your M and that you don't do D. Then I would plan A him.

Is there any way to find out who the OW is? If so, expose the A to her H (if there is one). You should also expose the A to anyone who has influence with your WH. This is done to end the A. It's not done for revenge.

A's tend to show their ugliness with the light of exposure. It is a powerful weapon. Read a little about it and then do it.

Keep reading and posting.

Try to take care of yourself. This is a very hard road, but there is hope for your M. Your WH is lost right now. He's not thinking straight.

MicheleG:

Thanks for the advise.

It's hard to take care of me right now. I have not been eating or sleeping much at all.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.

I keep hoping and praying for us to recover form this.

T&B

T&B,

It has been the hardest thing that I have gone through also.

I could not eat and could barely sleep. I'd wake up after a few hours and want to just die. Nightmares and all. Most people here (BSs) experience this. This is a trauma.

Any chance of finding out who OW is? How about cell phone records or getting a keylogger for the computer?

If you can't then you just tell him that you know there is someone else. He's just lying to himself. Tell him that you can recover, but all contact with the OW has to end completely, now.

Let us know how things are going.

T&B, i am sorry you are here. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is find out the truth. I also believe your H is having an affair and this is why he has left. If you can get that information, ie: her name, age, marital status, we can help you use it as a powerful weapon against the affair. Maybe even kill it.

This is why it is imperative that you find out who the OW is. Can you hire a PI?

I am glad that Michele is posting to you because she did a beautiful job of sleuthing and was able to ruin her H's affair via exposure. She is happily married today.

So, don't give up. We can help you develop a strategy to turn this thing around.

Try to figure out who it could be. Usually the affair (if there is one) is with someone they work with, a friend or neighbor, or someone who is involved in the same activities.

Thanks for all the advise. My H is bringing the kids home today and I am going to try to talk to him again. I know I need to be firm and tough but its not my personality. I want him to know that I believe he is having an A, but I'm not sure and dont have any proof.

I have tried to get Cell phone records and cant because he has his own business and the cell phone bills are mailed to the business.

I just wish I knew who the OW is if there is someone else. I am going to try to snoop.

T&B

Does anyone have any advice on how I should approach my H tonight or what I should say to him. I just hope he will stay long enough to hear what I have to say.

Please Help I'M DESPERATE!!!!!


T&B

T&B:

What to say?

"I'm Happy to see you!,

So nice for you come back to OUR house!

How were the children with you last night! (AND LET HIM TALK, DO NOT INTERRUPT! THEY WERE WITH HIM, LET HIM TELL YOU!)

How about those Detroit Tigers? Jr going to Hendrick Motorsports? Lebron falling on his face? Fill in his favorite sports/recreational/hobby event that happened yesterday or today and then LISTEN.

How's your MOM?

How was work today?

And then let him talk.

Ask leading questions, that let him talk.

Don't interrupt.

Don't go anywhere near:

the relationship,
when he is returning home,
giving up OW,
pulling his head out of his butt,
How could you be so stupid!
What about all my pain!

Because he will just leave.

You can't talk to him about the R or M right now, because he doesn't want to. And he thinks "you talked about it all the time before and nothing changed"

You just be pleasant. Attentive, and listening. Ask general questions, that require more than a YES or NO.

If he verbally attacks you, defend yourself, calmly, or leave the room.

Your new mantra:

"I love you, I want to work this out, and I know that you will make the best choice."

And order HNHN. Today.

And start reading some other threads, Like Bugsmom's. Learn all you can about Plan A.

You need to get your weapons and tools in a row to fight this Affair. And to return your husband to your Home.

You are just a buck private now. You know about the basic concepts, but you need to learn more.

Are you ready?

You came here looking for help. You will get it, but you have to do the work. It's alot tougher on the ground, facing the evil WH, but slowly you will start to gain confidence and the WH will not be as scary. And he starts reacting to YOUR plan. Instead of the other way around.

LG

He has his own business? Do you have a key?
Get over to that office after hours and snoop your a$$ off.

Can you afford a PI?

Does he use a computer? Install a keylogger.

Check out the spying 101 thread.

Get busy girl -- there is an enemy invading your territory!

Don't even bring up the possibility of an affair until you are armed with evidence. If he is having an affair, he will just lie about it. Find out on your own if he is having an affair.

I HOPE I DID THE RIGHT THING!!!

I have not really told H how I feel or what I think. When he brought the kids home today I asked him if he could talk for a few minutes. We went out on the porch so the kids could not hear.

I said I need to tell you how I feel and he said "I want to know how you feel." I told him that I didn't appreciate him walking out on us the way he did, he said "I didn't walk out on the kids" and I said yes you did, it's not fair to them or me.

I also told him that he was moving way too fast and his reply was "HOW DO YOU KNOW I'M MOVING WAY TOO FAST" and I said because you have already been to a lawyer to get separation papers-the day before your dad's funeral. He said he already had the appt and I have not received papers yet. I told himm that I didn't believe in Seperation or Divorce and he said "YOU DON'T HAVE TO SIGN THE PAPERS." THAT WAS STRANGE!!!!

When I asked him why he never told me he was unhappy he said "because I didn't want to hurt you." I told him that he should of told me so we could work it out. I also asked him how do you just stop loving someone and all I got was a sorry.

I then wanted to get the point across that I knew about the A, even though I don't have any real evidence. I said I know why you left and I know what's going on. He said what do you know? or what am I doing? I just kept saying I know what's going on. I just want him to wonder and worry "What does she really know?"

I feel better after talking to him and getting my feelings out.

I don't have a key to the business, so I can't snoop down there, but I do have people watching and snooping.

I asked my boys if they had a good time at daddy's and my oldest son (10) would say thinge like daddy would talk on his cell phone at night for 30 minutes at a time. I don't drill the kids because I know it's not right.

DID I MAKE A BIG MISTAKE HERE OR DID I BLOW IT?

I WANT TO FIX MY MARRIAGE!!!!!

thanks for all the advise, keep posting.

T&B

Calls like that are usually "the calls".

You didn't blow it, just be careful there. If he thinks you know something he may go further underground making it much more difficult to get the info you need.

Keep snooping. What does your gut tell you now?

T&B,

here is what you MUST find out:

1. ow's NAME
2. occupation
3. marital status
4. address

Don't rest until you get this! And don't tell him you are seeking this info. Don't even tell him you KNOW. Don't tell him anything until you have all the FACTS.

MicheleG: My gut tells me there is OW, I just cant get any real evidence.

I will keep snooping.


T&B

MelodyLane:

I am not going to say anything else to him until I have some real evidence or facts.

My oldest son tried calling him at H Moms house where he is staying to tell him goodnight and he was not there. IMAGINE THAT!!! We didn't try the cell phone, don't want to interrupt him.



T&B