If you don't stand up and fight, she's going to feel that it doesn't matter...she can do anything she wants to and you'll never object. Eventually she'll feel that you don't care what she does.

You WILL lose her if you don't stand up and take action. This is a given. Count on it.

The worst that can happen if you fight is that you still lose her. Not any different than taking no action. But, you CAN AND DO stand a chance to save things if you do fight for her.

Get the idea?

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OK...so she threatened your life.

I think that you need to contact the police, right now.

Tell them exactly what she said, tell them that you're scared for your and your son's life, and get a restraining order on her ASAP. Get your lawyer engaged, and see about getting custody of your son RIGHT NOW, so that you can protect and take care of him.

As far as her "doing some things to see if I was policing her"...you know that's pure horse puckey, right? She was doing it because she was doing it...and she came up with that as her LIE to try to shift the blame off of her and onto you. Don't even fall for that stuff.

First off...take active steps to protect yourself and your son. RIGHT NOW.

Worry about 'winning her back' after the two of you are safe. Make taking care of you and him your top priority first!

[color:"red"]
You need to report this incident to the police ASAP. This is a threat NOT to be taken lightly. Will it rock her world? Yes. But it will also let her know that threats such as she made will NOT be tolerated by anyone.

L. [/color]

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Have you reported the threat yet? Do so before you regret it.

L.

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Of course she's not happy at the moment. Plan A your butt off right now.

Does her family and friends know about her emotional affair(s)? I'm too lazy to go back and look.

Hold your ground. Make it clear that if she's going to stay in the house, she's going to remain in NO CONTACT with OM, nor will she continue to cheat on you. If she wants to cheat, she can leave...without the kids.

I'd also set this additional expectation...if she's going to remain in the house, she's going to go with you to marriage counseling. It's that, or leave. She has to make some kind of effort towards reconciliation...or she's out, on her own, without the kids.

Sounds harsh, but there you go.

I did something similar in my case. When my wife didn't fly off to live with OM (whom she'd never met in person), I told her point blank that both of us were going to IC and MC...non-negotiable. She's either there and working to solve the problem, or she's gone.

We're three years plus into recovery now.

You can do this. Right now, its all about plan A. Start making the changes that you can to meet her emotional needs and make yourself more attractive to her. At the same time, keep the pressure on her to end the affair, and do not let her continue to treat you like a doormat.

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OK...go back and re-read up on plan A.

You have to do plan A. There is a thread on the "carrot and stick of plan A". Find it. Read it. DO IT.

You need to follow the carrot AND the stick.

The carrot is all about making positive changes in yourself, in meeting her EN's, etc... The stick is exposure. Which you've not done.

Have you read HNHN? SAA? Read the articles on the side of this website?

I think you've spent all this time trying to prove it, without giving any thought to what you'd do when you DID prove it.

Seriously...look this stuff up, get plan A fired up and running...NOW. Meet her needs...AND expose!

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Do the emotional needs questionairre in HNHN. Do it TWICE...and since she's wanting to stay and work, she should too.

Have her fill it out once for HER needs...what she wants/needs from you. Have her do a second one, outlining what she believes that you need from her.

You do the exact same thing.

Then sit down and compare the results. See how well you knew each other's EN's. Both of you talk and work out HOW to meet each other's top emotional needs.

Talk about the lovebusters. Ask which ones you're guilty of. Identify the ones you feel she's guilty of. Work out plans to avoid both.

There are a host of good tools in the books and on this site.

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OK...so...what, EXACTLY about the new job are you opposed to?

Is there ANY way to take the situation with the new job and turn it into a win for BOTH of you?

Have you considered approaching the most 'neutral' person in her family, explaining to them that you feel she's misrepresenting what's going on, and that you'd like to talk with them so that someone in the family has BOTH sides? Tried to find a way to 'win them over'?

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This alone is enough to make you wonder if you want to stay married to this woman. Wanting you to forego being with your children. When she married you, you had these children right? Did she think they would magically go awawy once you were married. Your WW sounds extremely selfish and immature. Like a teenager with a crush and doesn't like being told what to do. It's like you have grounded her and she doesn't like it. Fight for your marriage, plan B may become necessary before you completely lose what love you have left for her???

I would however ever so quitely began building my custody case including documenting whose taking care of the children while she works, sleeps to recover from work, party's, calls and contacts OM. Do this regardless of the road your M takes.