Hello everyone.

I am experiencing an issue that I could use your help on.

I have been dating a wonderful woman for about six months. My divorce was final about eighteen months ago.

My new girlfriend has expressed to me that she feels degraded because I have not yet introduced her to my eight year-old daughter.

I'm not really sure why, but I just don't feel comfortable introducing them to each other yet. I am concerned about hurting my daughter's feelings after her feelings have already been hurt by the divorce. At what point did you introduce your child/children to the new person in your life after divorce?

Has anyone else had any positive or negative experience in this situation?

I welcome any and all comments, stories, suggestions, etc. in this matter.

Thank you for reading and responding.

Chris

I had the 6 month rule, but waited 9 months before introducing someone, mainly because I didn't feel he was "the one". Amazingly, the kids didn't really seem affected by meeting him, it was just a casual meeting and I still kept the kid time from his time.

You know your kid. There are also many books that help parent's deal with this sort of thing. For some reason, kids seem to take Dad dating far easier than if Mom dates.

Develope an integration plan. Discuss how, when and parameters (ie sleepover, etc.). Keep it light and easy.

A friend has dated someone 6 years, with no integration plan to date. What does that say? Early on, she wasn't ready, but now. It's become a huge sticking point.

Don't rush it.

I introduced my kids quickly to the woman that became my second wife. My kids were completely abandoned by their original mother and so they attached very quickly. Our marriage only lasted 4 months and they were crushed.

I was very hesitant to introduce them to the woman who became my third wife. I fell in love with her in a way that I had never felt before, not about my first two wives. I was sure this was the last one and so much had changed about me as well. I was slow but I introduced them and they quickly latched on. That marriage only lasted 10 months and they are paying the price again.

My kids have been abandoned by not one, not two but essentially three mothers to date. They are in counseling and I doubt they will ever truly be whole.

I don't know if I can put them through that again. Shame on me for putting them through it the second and third times <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I did it at about 7 months. But, first I let the girls know I was dating someone. Both were excited. They're girls, so they thought "Marriage" and then thought "Pretty new dresses for us!" They had been in a wedding as flower girls and had weddings on the brain.

However, two months later and there were problems with the 7 year old daughter. "I don't like M" "You spend all your time with M" (Umm, Every other time the girls were with me for a weekend, M came up for one night. A few hours.) The best was "When we're not there you go out with M." Imagine a 7 year old wailing this.

Lucky for M, he has some money, and my younger daughter loves his swank cars. Alas, she can be bought.

It's better

Chris,

My children were 12, 10 & 8 when I met M, they knew I was dating someone and were ok with it. I made it clear to M that I had no intention of introducing the children to anyone until I'm in a rock solid relationship. He understood and admired my decision. M was introduced to the kids about a year later. It's been almost 2 years now and all is well.

Good luck Chris.

PROS:
* You want to see how BF/GF treats your children.
* Allow children time to get to know BF/GF rather than springing "I'm getting married to some stranger."
* Relationship is about sharing life rather than living separate multiple lives.

CONS:
* Risk children getting attached and then hurt.
* Jealous kids (or X) interfering with relationship.

I personally couldn't consider a relationship becoming serious until I meet BF's kid or BF meets DD. I think many people making the first meeting too big of a deal. The child s/b told that you are dating and casually meet. A new BF/GF should NOT be spending a lot of time with your kids and especially not alone.

I've personally had to cancel some activities with BF because DD didn't want to share that time with me. He scored big points by being understanding. Other times he has joined us or I have joined him and his DD and had fun. For both of us, we had already mentioned the other to our DD's. I introduced him when he picked me up for a date and he introduced me when we met in a bookstore and had coffee. I have also met his XW and encouraged her to let me know if there are ever any problems. Now I would just like for our DD's to meet before mine leaves for college but it will be something short and casual (maybe a movie).

I would say that you don't want to introduce too soon as that can stress the kids if this isn't a solid relationship, but on the other hand, like others said, if this is to go on you should see how everybody gets along. I would think if at this point it might be time to do a low key introduction...I don't think you have to feel as if you are getting married to do this.

CONS:
* Risk children getting attached and then hurt.
* Jealous kids (or X) interfering with relationship.

jealous x interfering with relationship. yup, you hit that nail right on the head.

mlhb