I have had some struggles following my affair, and subsequently my H's affair. If you want/need to know, here is Our Story.

I have done well with being kind, patient and gracious. I have made myself attractive and more fun. We are getting better each day, though there are some MAJOR things preventing recovery right now.

My H has finally said that he isn't leaving. But there has been no commitment to work on the M either. He wants me to do all the work, and him to sit back and reap all the benefits. He is unwilling to quit talking to all these women and unwilling to bring me to his birthday party. He is unwilling to read any of the books, or listen to them on tape/cd. He just won't do anything. He doesn't take any responsibility for his A, and thinks there is nothing wrong with his behavior. He won't go to MC, and has stalled on IC for so long I think its a lost cause. He has rewritten our history together and SF is less and less.

While on the one hand, he seems to be making a great effort, on the other he does not ... its mind boggling!

So, what can I do to help move us into recovery?

You can't force him. Patience will be measured in months TFC...not days and weeks. Heck , for some it is measured in years. Go back to the "Grace" post from JL and live it. You are doing well...now strive for better patience and work that plan. Enjoy your time together and have no expectations right now.
I think following this for an extended period of time will help move you in the direction you wish to head.

I don't want to force anything. I know that this will take time. I am enjoying our time together. I have read and re-read JLs post to me ... I am trying my best to live by it.

My concern now is that we have discussed things a lot. He has been talking to girls all along in our M, and has just done whatever he wants whenever he wants. He has explicitly expressed that he plans on continuing to live that way forever ... and I can either be ok with it or leave. I love my H and I want this to work, but I don't know that there are any other options. Are these really my only 2 choices? Is there no way to work into a better partnership where POJA is used by both of us?

if he said this, you need to make some decisions regarding your boundaries. if he truly means this, then there is no point in continuing. if it is just foogy talk, continue doing what you are doing.

This was the attitude that my POWS had/has...he did the same thing our entire M and I was not once comfortable with it...

There was nothing wrong with him or his behavior...not intentions of protecting the M....

I agree with MEDC on setting your Boundaries and figuring out if you can live with this or not...you have more choices then he is giving you!

I see part of this as Bullying! He really doesn't want you to leave...example the last time that you told him to go!

He doesn't want to leave ... he even said if he was going to leave he would have by now. And I don't want to leave. But I don't think its ok to have a M like that either. I want all this disaster to change our M for the better! I want to use all this mess to learn and grow and improve ... individually and together.


This is how my H is. Protecting the M is what I see as the most important thing to do right now ... especially after all that's happened! He doesn't ...

This is not about your husband TFC. Many people have tried to get you to see that. It is about YOU and your boundaries. If you truly believe that this is how he will be for the rest of his life... accept it, or leave. Ask him, point blank..
"H, you said that you will always behave in this way... IS that correct?" If yes, let him know that you will not accept this in a marriage and move on. If you feel it is fog speak, drop it for now. There is really nothing else you can do right now.

MEDC

Oh he said it! And I'm pretty sure that he was dead serious! Something to discuss with my IC tomorrow, eh?

I know that its about me ... but I am at a loss. I know that he will not change his behavior, but I don't want to give up my M! So, what I'm trying to find out is if I have another option ... or are my only options to deal with it or leave?

no, not something to discuss with your IC tomorrow...something to discuss with your H tonight. Your IC has nothing to do with this. I say that as a person that sees an IC 2x per month. What isn't clear about this for you? You have a boundary... it will either be respected or it will not. You can decide to move your boundary lines... but is that what you are prepared to do??? I know I wouldn't accept that in a spouse, even if it meant a divorce I did not really want. You need to decide what you will accept in your life, take a look at what is happening and why... and then act on your beliefs.

MEDC

yes, TFC, there are no other options. If he is "dead serious" and will not change, what other possible option could exist. Either he changes or you change...there is no other way.

Then, if this is the case from my POV, he's bullying you and making idol threats that he will not carry through with...

playing on your insecurities...he has you right where he wants you and he said that he doesn't want to change...

You have no control over him and what he does...

The only thing you can do is work on yourself...at this point you have no way to work on the M either...

like we said before you need to figure out your boundaries...what is acceptable and what is not acceptable for you!

H avoids R talk like the plague and is out of town. That's why I thought I should sort it out with my IC tomorrow. That and the fact that I always push my boundary lines further and further to accommodate my H and my M. I am so desperate to keep him, and I think he knows that. But why? That is the real question ...

Could it be fear of abandonment? fear of being alone? fear of the unknown?

And Yes, he knows that you are desperate to keep him!

I was in the same position at one point, I can relate to you here!

Posting out of care and concern! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I know you are ... and I thank you for that. He knows I'll never leave, I don't think he'll ever leave. I'll change, he won't. We are at a standstill.

I am afraid, and I don't want my DD to not have her parents together, and I really do love the man!

So what did you do?

I left b/c I wanted better for my kids! Staying wasn't going to teach them what a healthy M/R was...

it's been three months and I'm happier now and the kids are happier!