I am seeing the theme of alcohol in threads all over this site. Some betrayed ones are using it to cope, on an episodic, isolated basis. But also alcohol as a major part of the lifestyle of the betrayer. I guess this makes some sense, doesn't it? If adultery is an insane act (I believe it is) by previously reasonable men or women, perhaps alcohol helps "resolve" all the internal contradictions. Anyone else dealing with this as a significant problem? How are you doing it, especially those dealing with alcohol abuse in the betrayer?

When the anti-deps ran out, and the therapy ended, I (as the betrayer) drank every weekend for about two months. I wasn't flat out drunk, but it took the edge off. During the thing (affair), I didn't drink at all. My head was so deep in la-la land that I didn't need it.<P>Now that the affair is over and things have settled down and we are healing, my H and I drink occasionally, but not to excess. <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited October 08, 1999).]

doc...<P>My H is an alcoholic. At first, he would just go out with the guys after work. Then, as our marriage deteriorated, he drank more frequently....almost everyday. He is a binge drinker. He told me that alcohol made him forget his troubles. Obviously, it did the opposite.<P>Well, alcohol created our troubles. He lost sight of reality, rationality, morals, sensitivity, compassion, respect and responsibility. He met OW at bar (who enabled his drinking and who is a bar slut).<P>The more alcohol he drank, the deeper our marriage problems became. He almost hit rock-bottom and almost lost me & the kids before he got his wake-up call.<P>Upon exposure of brief affair (lasted 2 months), he immediately ended affair and gave up the alcohol and we got professional help. After giving up the alcohol, he went through a long withdrawal period and was depressed, felt that all hope was lost, hated himself, guilt-ridden, etc. He is finally out of the withdrawal mode. As long as there is no alcohol in the picture, our marriage is great and is recovering.<P>p.s. Our therapist said that the alcohol is the ROOT of our problems.<P>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited October 08, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited October 09, 1999).]

doc,<BR> Historically I drank maybe 1-3 beers a week. Since discovery of my H's affair and especially as he goes through withdrawal I am drinking 2-4 almost daily, sometimes less, never more. Fortunately I have a medical condition that limits my alcohol intake or it flares up. I am not happy about this, but I do find it takes the edge off of my deep hurt, pain, despair and anguish. I am the type that gets happier and less inhibited with alcohol, never more sad or mean. My H went hunting last week and I noticed that I rarely even thought about drinking. I guess that tells me something. I hope we all continue to build strength through other means! Jenn<P>------------------<BR>

Alcohol is the main contributing factor to the decline of my marriage. As with NoTrust, my H had an affair with a barroom slut, which he would not have done had he not been drunk. He freely admits that he would never have seen her had he not been drinking. I don't drink, never have, and never will. I have seen too much of what alcohol does to a person to ever want to be that way. My faith in God is what gets me through this ordeal. My H is still drinking, although he has cut down considerably. He is without a doubt an alcoholic, and his first true love is booze, not me. He is trying to convince me otherwise. I'm not convinced yet. So, to sum it up, yes, alcohol was a MAJOR contributing factor in my H's betrayal.

Unlike some of the replies here, my wife almost NEVER touched alcohol - wine with a meal once a month maybe - till she started the affair. It is therefore "stress-related, episodic" type drinking, but still scary to me and dangerous to her. sigh...

My W also never drank. She doesn't like the taste or effect. She still managed to involve herself with a married man. Go figure. Now I need a drink.

W drinks 1-2 glasses of wine most nights (even when she's working, which is also most nights - yeah, she's not an alcoholic but a workoholic!) I drink 1-2 glasses vodka, not quite the same thing! At least I have been recently, so my threads are probably some of those where the "theme of alcohol" has come into MBF recently. But this IS a recent thing for me, and is largely the result of having seen my W in her OM's car (together with him) several months ago. (Until then, I could at least fantasize that she'd ended the affair.)<P>So, for me, alcohol has become the Great Escape. I will say that it allows me to think about something else other than my W and her affair. Because I have really been totally obsessed with this situation and think about it probably 90% of my waking hours. (I have to say, this makes working extremely difficult!) Anyway, when I drink, SOMETIMES I manage actually to be able to think about other stuff, do some reading, etc.<P>I also have quite a few rules about alcohol. I don't "binge drink" either or go on benders, drinking every waking moment. I always wait until about 7 PM before starting, try hard to limit my intake and not get drunk (don't always succeed, alas, hence some of my more outlandish threads), and DO NOT DRIVE if it is at all possible to avoid doing so (almost always is). I think if you have rules like this and follow them, drinking to escape and/or numb the pain of a personal situation like betrayal/infidelity is OK. Doesn't necessarily make you an alcoholic - before I met my current W, hadn't had a drink for years and years. (Are you a "novacane-oholic" just because you don't want to feel the drill boring in?)<P>Regards and boozings,<P>--Wex

My W's affair did not include alcohol, My One night stand did. I was drunk as a skunk and had I not been, I guarentee that it would never have happend. I find myself drinking a tad bit more than before discovery, Not bad but enough to bring on a slight concern. I do however go for the bottle when I get some bad news regarding my relationship with my W right now.<P> I guess I am a little nore sensitive than before and it seems to take off the edge ( if that is possible ) It also helps me to fall asleep. I still wake up anywhere between 3 and 5 am every day regardless of how tired I am. I am in control of my intake and it is a conscious choice for me to drink, Not a need to drink. If I feel I should stop for whatever reason, I will do so. Anyway, What was your questions again?? <P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

My H is an alcoholic. He was sober for 17 years and during that time, we were very connected and happy. We managed to ride out the storms together. After all that time, he thought he could handle a glass of wine occasionally with dinner. Within two months it was two glasses or more at dinner with an after dinner liquer. Very soon it was beers after work, then many beers, then hard liquor with the beers. Pretty soon it was a quart of vodka a day, throughout the day and while we worked. This began around December 1997. By February 1998, I saw remarkable changes in his personality. He became distant and withdrew a little more each day from me. Suddenly all the damage he was doing to our business became my fault. He began to hate me. By summer he had built a huge case against me. Then one day a year ago, on October 20th, I came home from work and said "Hi, Honey, how was your day". He replied, "I want out of the marriage. I just want to be rid of you." Five days later he met his OW at a party I refused to attend because of what he had said a few days earlier. I thought that this would be a good time to let him go off by himself and think about what he had said to me and reassess. He showed me! He met a woman that he aggressively pursued who lived 1500 miles away and flew out to see her over three weekends in November. She became pregnant over Thanksgiving and had their baby August 20th. The last time he was with her was that weekend she got pregnant. Over Christmas he came home to me and asked me what he had to do to come home. I told him he had to get sober and stop drinking, go through Hazelden treatment, stop seeing her (I did not know about the pregnancy at the time) go through Retrouvaille marriage encounters with me and renew our vows. He did it all, except for the vow renewal. I'm the one holding back on that.<BR>The point is that he NEVER would have done what he did if he hadn't been drinking. He had always been a man of integrity and character. He is horrified by what he has done and the nightmare consequences of his behavior. He never wants to drink again and had been sober since January with the exception of a weekend slip in April when I was out of town. The incredible pain he's in and has inflicted on me is staggering. Amazingly, we are getting through this. His remorse and shame are weirdly gratifying to me. It's healing for me. But, now, I have changed forever. The constant waves of sadness that seem to wash over me several times throughout the day and night are making me crazy. I obsess over this fling and find constant faults with myself I never saw before. What this has done to me is forever. I find there are trust issues that were never even considered before because I trusted him with my life. I can't believe what alcohol did to us and how it has changed our lives forever with not only the horror of an affair that takes away our exclusivity, but the results of that affair are the worst possible pain a wife could ever go through...especially if she's like me and can't have a child of her own with her own husband...but, someone else could, and did. A total stranger.<BR>The alcohol perverted his thinking that I was the enemy and that all those incredible years together meant nothing to him anymore. The alcohol gave him permission to be bad. It made him grandiose, selfish, self-absorbed. It made him want to see if he could get someone else to bolster his own ego.<BR>Now that he's sober and has gone through the withdrawal and shame and yet I am still there, he is grateful and incredulous that the marriage is surviving. I am grateful, too, that we are a success story, so far. We still have issues and now we have one that will torment us for the next two decades or longer, but we are working very hard on recovery. One thing I truly believe...it wasn't me, it wasn't you...it was the alcohol.

Catnip....I couldn't have said it any better....what you wrote about what alcohol abuse can do, is oh so true...

catnip - Your story makes me ashamed of my own drinking. I am faithful to my W and drinking only because she is being unfaithful to me. But still. I hadn't had a drink for years and years until I met my current wife, a wine connosuesse. (However, the hell you spell it!) She talked me into trying a glass. She talked me into a permanent, very deep relationship even as she started seeing OM. Unbelievable. Even so, for most of our relationship, I have scrupulously kept the promise I made to her not to drink alone. Until now. Until I saw her and her OM in his car together stop, and her get out and into her own car. That destroyed me.<P>--Wex

Thanks, NoTrust. I know I get long winded, but then it's been a long-winded love story. If you got something out of it, I am grateful. I get a lot out of just mouthing off! Works for me <P>Wex. I am so sorry. It's hard to believe it has nothing to do with you and that it is their own weakness while using, lack of character while using, their own self-doubts and lack of self worth, inspired by alcohol ...and we end up taking the slings and arrows because we love them. Alanon helped me a great deal through my H's treatment and recovery. I found it amazingly comforting. It constantly reinforced the truth that this was his problem (though the effect it had on me was dramatic) and I could choose to live my life detached from his drinking, and Alanon showed me the steps to do that. I am praying for you.

My H also drank for most of your marriage. He is a beer drinker, usually drinking 4-8 beers a night. He has always had a "compulsive" personality, but I thought I could handle it. But, alas, not to be. I believe many of my lovebusters to him were because of the drinking. He lost his drive to do anything but drink and party, and I reacted by closing myself off emotionally to him. Lovemaking became a chore for me, because he was always a little tipsy and it effected our lovemaking. I got to the point where I didn't enjoy it anymore and didn't want to very often. When he would drink a lot, he would call her and email her and stay online talking to her for hours, letting everything else go. I asked him to stop, the counselor felt he had a real problem, but he cannot. Now we have been apart for going on three months, and I have to say that NOT living with it daily has been great. I didn't realize how much the alcohol had intertwined out lives and created the mess we were in. If I ever look for another relationship, the first criteria will be no drinking. <P>------------------<BR>Susan